Humor Sexual Quotes

The question is are you okay?" he asked, looking down at her with concern. "That was quite a spill you took."
"I ... I'm fine." Her gaze centered on his mouth. Then, she did the most torturous thing she could have done to a man whose lower torso was pressed against hers and whose mouth was just a few scant inches from those fleshy, pink lips. She ran her tongue across her lips to wet them. And he thought super glue got hard fast. ~ Lindsey Brookes

Accidental sex. He made it sound like I fell down, and there just happened to be an erection in the way. ~ Laurell K. Hamilton

Sam. I've got news for you. Not every childhood trauma can be healed by finding the right penis."
Sam looked devastated. He opened and closed his mouth, eyes wide, then suddenly slumped back against the railing, unable to support himself anymore. "You mean," his voice was barely a whisper. "All those romance novels lied? ~ Anne Tenino

Just FYI," Lenny says, his face still red from the nasty sunburn. "I've got a shitload of condoms in my duffle. Front pocket."
"For what?"
"Listen if you don't know what condoms are for I'm not gonna teach you."
"I know what they're for, shithead. I just highly doubt you're getting any ass on this trip."
"Watch me," Lenny says. "My boy gets action all the time."
"Yeah, I bet your right hand is tired from all that action" I mumble as I walk to the bathroom. "I'm a leftie!" Lenny calls after me.
I try not to wince from thinking about it. ~ Simone Elkeles

As Jack began to climb the stairs, Fiona looked up at her new home. Five stories of stately mansion
rose above her head. Heavy molding around the large windows and doors bespoke a quality and
craftsmanship that was obvious even in the dim night. "Good God! It's massive!"
Jack paused with his foot on the last step. "I do wish you'd keep those comments until we are in bed,
love. I would appreciate them all the more there. ~ Karen Hawkins

What was it you called me? Hell's overlord who wields his lucky pen like it's… what was that last part?"

Enough! Elise's tolerance disappeared in a sulfurous cloud of smoke. "Hell's overlord who wields his lucky pen like it's his staff of masculinity," she ground out, then lowered her head and furiously pounded on the laptop's keyboard.

Luc laughed and the hairs at the nape of her neck prickled. "Staff of masculinity. How could I have forgotten that? You could have just said - "

Her cheeks burned red hot. "I made that up before I knew you liked to beat your lucky pen against the desk."

He turned in his seat and smiled the smile that never failed to raise her body temperature a hundred degrees. "And it was that particular phrase which made your habit of sucking on pen caps all the more bearable."

She glared at him and his smile widened. "Don't make me get up and come near your desk, Lucien Masters."

"Getting up and coming near my desk are the least of my worries," he replied in a husky, Southern rumble. ~ Elijana Kindel

Before I eat your bagel, we should be formally introduced, don't you think? ~ Alice Clayton

Mattie rolled his eyes. "And I've have my fair share of ugly in my life, so I'm kind of used to it".
"You better not be referring to me, sack-sucker". ~ Lila Rose

It is the humor of many heads to extol the days of their forefathers, and declaim against the wickedness of times present. Which notwithstanding they cannot handsomely do, without the borrowed help and satire of times past; condemning the vices of their own times, by the expressions of vices in times which they commend, which cannot but argue the community of vice in both. Horace, therefore, Juvenal, and Persius, were no prophets, although their lines did seem to indigitate and point at our times. - SIR THOMAS BROWNE: Pseudodoxia Epidemica. That ~ George Eliot

I would love to slap you right now, but I'm currently wielding a nine pound ball and I'm afraid that would be called murder. ~ Sara Wolf

I do not love only the women I desire, I only desire the women I love. ~ Carl R White

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel's. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I'm saying? Because on Jack, you don't know where you're going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won't be wearing any pants. ~ Dave Attell

God, come down, if you're really there -
Well, you're the one who claims to care! ~ Morrissey

Well, it's nice to know that the Trolls made it this far south,' Ulath said. 'I'd hate to have to go looking for them.'
'Their Gods were guiding them, Ulath,' Tynian pointed out.
'You've never talked with the Troll-Gods, I see,' Ulath laughed. 'Their sense of direction is a little vague - probably because their compass only has two directions on it.'
'Oh?'
'North and not-north. It makes finding places a little difficult. ~ David Eddings

A wise woman has already a rite
Where she knows right from left.
She usually writes when she's right
And always leaves before she's left. ~ Ana Claudia Antunes

Simon laughed heartily. "I'm afraid the rest of us have to find talents to get our women into bed. Of course once they're there, I have other talents that keep them right where they are."
"Handcuffs hardly count," Christian said offhandedly.
"If you mean the ladies cuffing me to the bed so they can explore Hunt Island," he said, rubbing his chest, " ... then point taken. These hands are capable of making any female climax by the mere brush of a pinky across her bare breast."
"I must have gone to the wrong island," I said with a private laugh. ~ Dannika Dark

Where are we heading?"
"The closest wooded area to here is Kenwood Academy's estate. Good place to hide, especially at night."
"If we're going into the woods, I definitely need to change."
I glanced back at her as we returned to the curb where the cab had dropped us off. "Or you could just go home."
She crossed her arms and avoided my gaze, scowling. "You're sick of me already? That must be a record."
I lifted my eyes to the heavens. Women. "This creature tore out a woman's throat and busted her chest cavity open like a piñata. I don't like the thought of it being anywhere near you."
"Did it ever occur to you that I feel the same way?"
Surprise flooded over me. "No, it…actually didn't."
"I know I'm not as strong or as smart as you are, but that doesn't mean I can't help. We're partners, aren't we?"
"Yeah," I said, and couldn't stop the smile creeping across my lips. "I guess we are."
She tossed a quick look at me and frowned. "Quit it."
"What?"
"I hate it when you do that."
"You hate it when I smile?"
"No, when you make that, 'aw, she does have a heart' face. You look like a Disney prince."
I laughed. "My bad. I'll work on that. ~ Kyoko M.

Do you know, sire, I think that if we live to tell our grandchildren about this war, they will accuse us of making it up.'
-Marielle ~ Tamora Pierce

Will Cato's alien buddies come en masse and invade Earth? He's not sure but he'll try to keep humanity in the loop. ~ John Hopkins

Wynter's Pass was a picturesque region in the north of Vohlfhein, where the Bleak Hills eventually collapsed into the Frozen Sea. From the back of Mr. Buckles, who had been on a slow trot since sunrise, Monch watched the light glisten off of the frozen branches of the evergreens. As the sun warmed the frozen ground, sending the evening's frost into retreat, Monch absorbed the splendor of it all and wondered how expensive the local real estate must be around here. He then contemplated attempting to find an agent that would represent his interests well.

"This land is such a spectacular wonder," the Lion of Ahriman declared. "It would be very much sought after if they could just do something about the bears, the White Orts, the wolves, the bloodthirsty cannibals, the snow manapés, the frost wizards, the northern bandit gangs, the dire lynxes, the similarly sounding but not related pygmy bloodthirsty cannibals, the demon possessed yaks, the dead-soul animated trees, the..." Monch paused for a moment.

"It just occurred to me that this land is really not safe at all. It seems almost everything in it wants to kill me," the Templar admitted. ~ D.F. Monk

Dagmar tried to stand, and Gwenvael caught her hand, pulling her back down. "You can't leave me. I'm tortured and brooding. You need to show me how much you adore me so I can learn to love myself again."
"You've never stopped loving yourself."
"Because I'm amazing. ~ G.A. Aiken

Profanation and violation are part of the perversity of sex, which never will conform to liberal theories of benevolence. Every model of morally or politically correct sexual behavior will be subverted by nature's daemonic law. ~ Camille Paglia

You are unnerving the hell out of me, Valkyrie."
"oh" she frowned, petting her bat fitfully " I must have misread the future for the past." she shrugged. "It happens. ~ Kresley Cole

To knot a sentence up properly, it has to be thought out carefully, and revised. New phrases have to be put in; sudden changes of subject must be introducted; verbs must be shifted to unsuspected localities; short words must be excised with ruthless hand; archaisms must be sprinkled like sugar-plums upon the concoction; the fatal human tendency to say things straightforwardly must be detected and defeated by adroit reversals; and, if a glimmer of meaning yet remain under close scrutiny, it must be removed by replacing all the principal verbs by paraphrases in some dead language. ~ Aleister Crowley

I have a theory that as human beings get older, chemicals are released into the brain to prepare us for the end. Sort of like how the nurse lubes your ass up before the anus-cam. It makes the whole thing a lot easier to swallow. Easier, not enjoyable. ~ Kris D'Agostino

Protestant congregations. These surveys found that, out of about one thousand churches who had been asked about sexual abuse since 1993, allegations of child abuse averaged 70 per week. ~ Joe Klest

The darkest hours bring the most light. ~ Dominic Riccitello

You are so beautiful, I could eat you, he said.
And it was true. Her smile was as intoxicating as the wine.
And he could eat her. ~ Jonas Eriksson

I'd heard that if you saw a Reaper, you saw what you expected to see, what you thought the agents of Death would look like. Personally, I wanted to see little, fuzzy pink bunnies, but apparently my subconscious visualized tall, scary, and skeletal. My subconscious and I needed to have a long talk. ~ Lisa Shearin

Decebel pulled Jen close in a show of gentleness that she was beginning to notice he only displayed to her. "You don't always have to be the strong one."
"That's where you're wring, Dec. I do, for them. Sally, Lilly, and at times even Fane. I have to be the one who believes so strongly that we will get her back that I can be sarcastic. That I have the luxury of bringing humor be it light or dark into this majorly messed up situation. And not that we will just get her back, but that we will get her back whole. There are worse things than death to a woman, Decebel. ~ Quinn Loftis

A true Zen saying: "Nothing is what I want. ~ Frank Zappa

I swear to God, Boss," he said one day. "Ya ain't never been a talker, but lately, if ya'd a had to rub two words together to make a fire, you'd a done froze to death. ~ Eli Easton

McCoy: Representing the High Tier...Leonard James Akaar.

Spock: The child was named Leonard James Akaar? Kirk nods.

McCoy: Has a kind of a ring to it don't you think, James?

Kirk: Yes, I think it is a name that will go down in galactic history, Leonard. What do you think, Spock?

Spock: I think you both will be insufferably pleased with yourselves for at least a month...sir. ~ D.C. Fontana

We are going through a sexual tempest, a bombardment provided by unprecedented exploitation of cheap sex by moviemakers, theater owners, publishers, and producers of pornography. [There is more] openness of talk about sex, acceptance of public nudity ... homosexuality. Sex revolution, no! But sex pollution? Yes!! ~ Billy Graham

I used to have a lot of faith in humanity before the advent of the website "comment" section. ~ Jim Gaffigan

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? ~ Steven Wright

You are speaking of my future lover. Be more respectful. ~ Charlaine Harris

There was a great jagged hole where they had ripped out the fireplace; the wall around it was crowded with faded graffiti explain who loved who, who was gay and who should fuck off. ~ Tana French

Despite the sisters' pretend rivalry and occasional squabbles, they were each other's staunchest ally and closest friend. Few people in Lillian's life had ever loved her except Daisy, who adored the ugliest stray dogs, the most annoying children, and things that needed to be repaired or thrown out altogether.
And yet for all their closeness, they were quite different. Daisy was an idealist, a dreamer, a mercurial creature who alternated between childlike whimsy and shrewd intelligence. Lillian knew herself to be a sharp-tongued girl with a fortress of defenses between herself and the rest of the world- a girl with well-maintained cynicism and a biting sense of humor. ~ Lisa Kleypas