Humor N C3 A9omie Quotes

She could read the phone book and make it sound erotic. ~ Kresley Cole

This mountain of a man was learning that his considerable might- which he'd clearly relied on for everything- was futile with her. ~ Kresley Cole

bathroom: (n.) where Americans go to argue about gender while the country goes down the toilet. ~ Sol Luckman

Passion was part of what made us human. I wanted to be more than just a lawyer. I wanted to be a human too! ~ N.M. Silber

I was so comfortable. I was warm and cozy, in that blissful, dreamy place between asleep and awake ...
Until my comfy pillow moved.
And the blanket keeping me warm moved.
I grumbled at them sleepily, and then my pillow and blanket chuckled.
I looked up, trying to make sense of my thoughts, and I saw him.
Cameron.
My pillow and blanket was Cameron; a half asleep, chuckling Cameron. I groaned and let my head fall back on his chest, his arms tightened around me. "I wondered why my pillow moved."
He chuckled again, and I could hear the sound resonate in my ear. ~ N.R. Walker

Hey baby, do you want to hold my Whopper? ~ N.M. Silber

The claim to a national culture in the past does not only rehabilitate that nation and serve as a justification for the hope of a future national culture. In the sphere of psycho-affective equilibrium it is responsible for an important change in the native. Perhaps we haven't sufficiently demonstrated that colonialism is not satisfied merely with holding a people in its grip and emptying the native's brain of all form and content. By a kind of perverted logic, it turns to the past of the oppressed people, and distorts, disfigures, and destroys it. This work of devaluing pre-colonial history takes on a dialectical significance today. ~ Frantz Fanon

Abyssinias
"I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: A huge four-footed limestone form
Sits in the desert, sinking in the sand.
Its whiskered face, though marred by wind and storm,
Still flaunts the dainty ears, the collar band
And feline traits the sculptor well portrayed:
The bearing of a born aristocrat,
The stubborn will no mortal can dissuade.
And on its base, in long-dead alphabets,
These words are set: "Reward for missing cat!
His name is Abyssinias, pet of pets;
I, Ozymandias, will a fortune pay
For his return. he heard me speak of vets
O foolish King! And so he ran away. ~ Henry N. Beard

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be working."
"Of course you should. I'm alright."
"Even F.I.N.E.?"
She laughed. "Especially that."
Fucked-up. Insecure. Neurotic. Egotistical. ~ Louise Penny

Stand your ground!" Stheno yelled. "I've got free samples! ~ Rick Riordan

The End of the Raven
On a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slanting
I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for.
Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found quite craven,
Poe was talking to a Raven perched above the chamber door.
'Raven's very tasty,' thought I, as I tiptoed o'er the floor.
'There is nothing I like more.'
[ ... ]
Still the Raven never fluttered, standing stock-still as he uttered
In a voice that shrieked and sputtered, his two cents' worth
'Nevermore.'
While this dirge the birdbrain kept up, oh, so silently I crept up,
Then I crouched and quickly leapt up, pouncing on the feathered bore.
Soon he was a heap of plumage, and a little blood and gore
Only this and not much more. ~ Henry N. Beard

He pinched the name tag and ran his fingers under the letters. "Can you read this, mate? It says C-H-A-R-O-N. Say it with me: CARE-ON."
"Charon."
"Amazing! Now: Mr. Charon."
"Mr. Charon."
"Well done. ~ Rick Riordan

Rod Cockshutt, Professor Emeritus at N.C. State University called my book, Evidence of Insanity, "an extraordinary achievement" and told me to not change the last 10-15 pages no matter what. ~ Carol Piner

S ... For Stupendous!
T ... For Tiger, ferocity of!
U ... For Underwear, Red!
P ... For Power, Incredible!
E ... For excellent physique!
N ... For ... Um ... Something..Hm, well, I'll come back to that ...
D ... For Determination!
U ... For ... Wait, How do you spell this? Is it "I"?? ~ Bill Watterson

Conservative n.
A person who possesses an underdeveloped taste for tyranny.
liberal n.
A person who believes in liberty, but only for the state. ~ Leslie Starr O'Hara

Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Authors may have very good reasons for staying out of character's minds. What is in their mind ought to be out in the world of their action anyway, just as in Real Life. Inside is already out there, and visible. It is also a reader's responsibility to imaginatively project the inner-lives of characters just as we have to imaginatively project the inner-lives of those most dear to us in Real Life. ~ Nathan "N.R." Gaddis

A little boy, he can play like he's a fireman or a cop
although fewer and fewer are pretending to be cops, thank God
or a deep-sea diver or a quarterback or a spaceman or a rock 'n roll star or a cowboy, or anything else glamorous and exciting (Author's note: What about a novelist, Jellybean?), and although chances are by the time he's in high school he'll get channeled into safer, duller ambitions, the great truth is, he can be any of those things, realize any of those fantasies, if he has the strength, nerve and sincere desire ... But little girls? Podner, you know that story as well as me. Give 'em doll babies, tea sets and toy stoves. And if they show a hankering for more bodacious playthings, call 'em tomboy, humor 'em for a few years and then slip 'em the bad news ... And the reality is, we got about as much chance of growing up to be cowgirls as Eskimos have got being vegetarians. ~ Tom Robbins

There must be something wrong with those people who think Audrey Hepburn doesn't perspire, hiccup or sneeze, because they know that's not true. I n fact, I hiccup more than most. ~ Audrey Hepburn

I couldn't really take a girl from Berlin to live in Leeds. I love it here. I miss the Yorkshire sense of humor and things like bitter and Yorkshire puddings, but I can still get my hands on salt 'n' vinegar crisps. ~ Sam Riley

Hippogriff, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises. ~ Ambrose Bierce

You see, a man's... ahem... is shaped differently from a woman's..." Mama fluttered her hand. "... whatsit. And in the marital bed, he will wish to place his..." More hand fluttering. "... inside yours."
"His ahem goes in my whatsit."
"In so many words. Yes. ~ Tessa Dare

She had so painfully reared three sons to be Christian gentlemen that one of them had become an Omaha bartender, one a professor of Greek, and one, Cyrus N. Bogart, a boy of fourteen who was still at home, the most brazen member of the toughest gang in Boytown. ~ Sinclair Lewis

OY! Stop playing around and lets cook already!"
*smack*
J-just now, that made a really loud noise.."
Do you wanna hear it again?"
N-no, you'll just hit me again!"
Kyo and Tohru ~ Natsuki Takaya

That wasn't me. I'm not a morning person. There's another person inside of me that does all the morning things. ~ N.D. Wilson

First item in the crew roster is given name, so I'll input 'Skippy'. Second item is surname-"
"The Magnificent."
"Really?"
"It is entirely appropriate, Joe."
"Oh, uh huh, because that's what everyone calls you," I retorted sarcastically, rolling my eyes. Not wanting to argue with him, I typed in 'TheMagnificent'.
"Next question is your rank, this file is designed for military personnel."
"I'd like 'Grand Exalted Field Marshall El Supremo'." "Right, I'll type in 'Cub Scout'. Next question-"
"Hey! You jerk-"
"-is occupational specialty."
"Oh, clearly that should be Lord God Controller of All Things."
"I'll give you that one, that is spelled A, S, S, H, O, L, E. Next-"
"Hey! You shithead, I should-"
"Age?" I asked.
"A couple million, at least. I think."
"Mentally, you're a six year old, so that's what I typed in."
"Joe, I just changed your rank in the personnel file to 'Big Poopyhead'." Skippy laughed.
"Five year old. You're a five year old."
"I guess that's fair," he admitted.
"Sex? I'm going to select 'n/a' on that one for you," I said.
"Joe, in your personnel file, I just updated Sex to 'Unlikely'."
"This is not going well, Skippy."
"You started it!"
"That was mature. Four year old, then. Maybe Terrible Twos."
"I give up," Skippy snorted. "Save the damned file and we'll call it even, Ok?"
"No problem. We should do this more often, huh?"
"Oh, shut up. ~ Craig Alanson

Is the journey the destination? Please, no. Let me out of your Volkswagen bus at the next corner. ~ N.D. Wilson

But Herod had already murdered at least two of his sons as though they were enemies. Caesar had made a joke about it: Better Herod's pig than his son - meaning that Herod would kill his son, but being half Jew wouldn't touch a pig. ~ N.Lofts

This social worker lassie turns round n gies us a stroppy look. Ah jist smiles bit she looked away aw fuckin nippy likes. Disnae cost nowt tae be social. A social worker thit cannae be fuckin social; that's nae good tae nae cunt, thon. Like a lifeguard thit cannae fuckin swim. Shouldnae be daein that kinday joab. ~ Irvine Welsh

Go! Go! Go! Go!' said that officer, with an expression as though he considered our Cap an individual of the animal kingdom whom neither Buffon nor any other natural philosopher had ever classified, and who, as a creature of unknown habits, might sometimes be dangerous. ~ E.D.E.N. Southworth

S'up?" he asks. My voice rattles when I answer. "N-not much. You know, reanimated corpses chasing me on a cruise ship. Same old. ~ Alison Kemper

Well," he said after a moment almost long enough to be awkward. He picked up the slices of cucumber and put them on the bread himself, then pulled a plate from the cupboard. Walking back to the table, he said, "Now we can finally have this meal, hm?"

"This meal?" Ceony asked, glancing at his bland sandwich. He took a bite of it without even bothering with mayonnaise. "Any meal I put thought into is levels above a cucumber sandwich. I could have been a chef, if you recall."

"Is that so?" he asked, taking another bite.

Ceony began to cut two slices of bread for herself, but paused halfway through the first. "Would you humor me for a moment?"

"I believe I've been humoring you since you walked through my front door," he replied. ~ Charlie N. Holmberg

Dowist: (n.) blind believer in the stock market. ~ Sol Luckman

Cooper grinned at me. "So, are you going to see me off at the airport? Stand in the terminal lounge, staring out the window, waiting for my plane to take off?"
I snorted. "Um, no. I was going to drop you off at the departure terminal so I didn't have to get a parking spot."
He gaped and narrowed his eyes. "When you get home, do me a favour and Google the word chivalry," he said flatly. "It's spelled c-h-i-v - "
"Shut up," I said with a laugh.
"Or even look up the definition of 'nice boyfriend'. I'm pretty sure it says 'does not drop off loved one at terminal gate' or 'does not tell boyfriend to shut up'. ~ N.R. Walker

Mealtime
"A mousie squealing in a trap
Woke me from my morning nap.
Wasn't he so very sweet
To tell me it was time to eat?"
(From A CAT'S GARDEN OF VERSES) ~ Henry N. Beard

If you feel like you're drowning, don't forget that it is just a feeling; it will pass with love and care. If you're actually drowning, then how are you reading this? ~ Dani N M.

But only in their dreams can men be truly free. 'twas always thus and always thus will be. ~ N.H. Kleinbaum

Joshua walked to the back of the tent.Caroline and Savannah were there but had their backs to him. They were bent over,an he could hear a wailing and he knew it was coming from Livvy. ...The wailing stopped as Livvy looked up and saw her father. Then there was a horrified howl."Daddy!Not dressed!"
Oh!Sorry."...
Livvy, Papa nhas to go help some people. Can I come kiss you goodbye?"
There was another howl."Daddy,NOT DRESSED!"
Can I blow you a kiss?"
Eyes Closed?"
I promise."
He closed his eyes and turned around, than blew her a kiss. He then opened his eyes. "I think your'e kindof cute, actually.
DADDY!! ~ Gerald N. Lund

Monsignor Montan-n-nelli... is undoubtedly all you say, my dear doctor. In fact, he appears to be so much too good for this world that he ought to be politely escorted into the next. ~ Ethel Lilian Voynich

What's a flange?" asked Marcia.
A what?"
A flange. It says here attatch piece Y to the long, upright D, taking care to align holes P and Q with the corrosponding holes N and O in the left-hand flange. I can't see a wrethed flange anywhere. ~ Angie Sage