N.M. Silber Quotes

I hated giving out free legal advice at parties, but at that moment, I would have drafted her will in crayon on a cocktail napkin ...

Well, first of all, hello, I'm Lance Jennings and I'm an actor," he explained to the judge, sounding like he was doing a public service announcement. "I was hired to do promotional work for the Bucket O' Chicken restaurant. I was not informed that I might be verbally abused and attacked in the street!"

"Objection. Nonresponsive," Braden interrupted.

"Get to the point, Mr. Jennings!" Judge Channing admonished.

"I was simply playing my role out on the sidewalk when a cretin with dreadlocks began calling me a murderer. Like I killed the damned chickens myself! I don't even like chicken!"

"He called you a 'murderer'. Did he threaten you in any way?" I asked with a glimmer of hope. Maybe I could at least build a record to support a defense for trial.

"Yes! He asked me how I would like it if someone lopped off my leg and served it with gravy! I was in fear for my life!" There went the glimmer. The chicken was a ham.

There, I saw Adam messing around with a container of tic tacs. I had found the source of the cinnamon taste of his kisses. He looked up.

"Want one?" he offered.

"Sure, thanks," I replied. He proceeded to knock exactly one tic tac into his palm and hand it to me. "Are you sure you can spare this?" I asked solemnly.

"How many did you want?"

"Well, more than one. Who gives somebody one tic tac? Would it kill to be a little more generous? some psychologist somewhere probably has some theory about one tic tac givers and fear of commitment."

"Fear of commitment, my ass. You should be committed, you loon. If you were intended to have more than one tic tac, they would have just made tic tacs bigger. This is regulation sized tic tac, and it should be more than enough to satisfy your breath freshening needs," he said, sounding affronted.

"A tic tac is not merely a breath freshener, it is a candy," I pointed out, voice rising in anger. Who was he calling a loon? "And they make them small on purpose, so you'll think you're getting more, and so you'll run out faster when someone asks for one, and you will give them a few!"

"Why would someone ask for A tic tac when they really wanted several tic tacs? What does that say about their psychology?! Why not be honest from the get-go about what you want?!" he shouted back at me.

" I didn't ask for one! You offered me one, God damn it!"

"And as fo

Hey baby, do you want to hold my Whopper?

Holy shit! That dog had my vibrator!

Passion was part of what made us human. I wanted to be more than just a lawyer. I wanted to be a human too!

And this is your close friend, Drew?" he asked looking at Mark...

"Good buddy... Just hanging out here. Doing guy stuff."

"Talking about women. And sports. And beer. And uh..." Mark added.

"Condoms," Drew added and I rolled my eyes. Brilliant.

Holy freaking moly! Harvard really was well endowed!

Mr. Harris had three boxes of Melba toast, a can of smoked oysters, a wheel of Gouda cheese, two bunches of grapes, a package of smoked salmon, a can of sardines, a bottle of sparkling grape juice and a can of cocktail weenies in his pants. I simply ask you to please use common sense. Thank you.

I wanted to be distracted by thinking about someone when I should be thinking about something else. I wanted to wonder what someone else was doing at that moment, and if they ever wondered what I was doing. If they ever thought about me when they woke up. Or before they went to sleep. The way I thought about them. I wanted THAT.

You've slept with Gabrielle?" Adam asked. "You haven't slept with her too, have you, Mark?"

"No!" Mark answered.

"Good, or I would have felt really left out.

Braden! How the hell are ya?!" said the guy with the teeth, grabbing Braden's hand and pumping it up and down almost frantically. He looked like a demented Ken doll.

"You're looking quite dashing tonight, Braden," said the cold-looking woman in an even colder voice. "Isn't he, Felicity?" she asked the sullen young woman. I had never seen a more inappropriately named person in my life. She would have made Wednesday Addams look like Doris Day.

Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!" "Oh, who?" he asked, pausing. "Oh Adam?" "That's more like it.

Are you guys arguing?" Jess asked.

"Are we?" I asked.

"Maybe a little but that's okay. Couples argue. We'll figure it out and we can have make-up sex later," Braden said, and Bruno yipped.

"Hey, I think the dog knows that word," Mark said, studying Bruno curiously.

"Look who his parents are," Adam said dryly. "God knows what he's been exposed to. He probably needs psychoanalysis.

Jesus, Gabrielle! Are you having a seizure?!"

"Please please please can I keep him mom? I promise I'll take care of him! Oh baby, I'll take care of him!"

"Good lord. She's finally gone around the bend. Can I have your Manolos when they come to take you away?

The music came on and I was amused to hear Pitbull singing Mr. Right Now.

Do you want to fuck me, Adam?" I asked through gritted teeth.
"Is this a trick question?

Gabrielle?"

"Yes?"

"I also like you." I wanted to throw down my phone, jog the two blocks and throw myself into his arms.

"Yeah, well I like you too even if you do put my clients in jail. See you later Mr. Prosecutor."

"See you later Ms. Saucy Mouth.

"Yes?"

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"Yes?"

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I want to have hot, sweaty, monkey sex with you. Okay, perhaps that's too candid.

I predict that I'll be breaking out the 'right to a trial defense' again," I said, trying to not act any weirder than I already was.

"You don't think he'll be willing to plead guilty?"

"Probably not. He firmly believes that claiming to be a complete idiot will get him off."

"You're very funny," he said, leaning against the defense table right next to me again.

"Mr. Pierce, in my line of work, one either laughs or cries and I would rather laugh." Oh Jesus H. Christ! I sounded like a country western song.

I just tried one where my client claimed he was urinating in a back alley. Turns out he was jerking off on a street corner. The prosecution had twenty-one witnesses. They were nuns." She looked pained.

"I understand," I said gently, patting her on the back.

We decided that we should do Shabbos dinner here and we invited the family," my dad said.

"Please tell me you're joking."

"Gabby, sweetie," my mom said consolingly. "It's best to get it over with quickly, trust me."

"Honey, I met them on my first date with your mother." He looked at Braden. "I married her anyway." I saw Braden try not to laugh. "It's okay! You can laugh. We laugh a lot here. It keeps us sane and being sane is what separates us from the rest of Judy's family.

I was incapable of producing
anything coherent at the moment so
rather than throwing out some witty
banter in response I said something like
"Ohgaahaad" instead. Feel free to quote
me.

Ms. Ginsberg. I wonder if you can help me. I have a legal question," Felicity Mason said. Great. I hated giving out free legal advice at parties, but at that moment, I would have drafted her will in crayon on a cocktail napkin to get away from Cole.

I'm not adorable," I said, feeling unreasonably irritated. "Chipmunks are adorable. I'm empowered.

I want more than a one-nighter with a meal plan.

Well, we need to make sure we don't frighten him off. We'll approach him very slowly and speak in quiet gentle tones. Put on some nice perfume and let him sniff you.

Well, I'm going to try. Better to practice on somebody else's kid first."

"Before what?" he asked, cautiously.

"I was just joking." Suddenly, I felt very defensive.

"You're sure your pill is working, right?"

"Yes! Don't worry, If I ever wanted to have a baby it doesn't have to be with you," I said, sensing rejection and fighting back.

"Well, who in the hell would it be with?" he asked, sounding irate.

"I don't know. I don't have a crystal ball."

"I've got news for you, Lilith. If you're going to be bearing anyone's children, they'll be mine," he said heatedly. Suddenly, the baby started crying.

"Now look what you did," I chastised. "You made him cry."

"I didn't make him cry. A shitty diaper made him cry. Now you want to take this on, I'll take it on with you. Bring him over here," Adam demanded, storming off with the diaper bag.