Erudite Funny Quotes

In the presence of a reader of Teilhard De Chardin I feel disarmed, nonplussed, ready to break down in tears. ~ Michel Houellebecq

And so that means ... "
"We have to rob the Henley," Simon said.
Kat sank onto a truly uncomfortable sofa. "Again. ~ Ally Carter

Before Amy and I got serious, got engaged, got married, I would get glimpses of Go's thoughts in a sentence here or there. It's funny, I can't quite get a bead on her, like who she really is. And: You just seem kind of not yourself with her. And: There's a difference between really loving someone and loving the idea of her. And finally: The important thing is she makes you really happy. Back ~ Gillian Flynn

You know what's funny? I don't ever feel the need to escape. I have a strong marriage. I like my life. You hear about these guys having midlife crises - I don't see that happening to me. ~ Harry Connick, Jr.

That's funny. I've always liked Naomi's version of me the best. I'm always much more interesting when she talks about me. ~ Rachel Cohn

The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is. ~ C.S. Lewis

I'm funny at home too, but not deliberately. My wife is usually laughing at me rather than with me. ~ Daniel Dae Kim

The Evil Enchanter appeared in a cloud of smoke. He waved his arms to fan away the fumes, and when he quit coughing, he said, "You've come to rescue no one. Now that you're here, you shall marry me." He waved his arms once, and a priest appeared in a cloud of smoke. After everyone quit coughing, he turned to the priest and said, "Marry me!"
The priest said, "But I don't know you."
"No, no, no!" said the Evil Enchanter. "Marry me to the princess!"
"Oh," said the priest. "That's different. ~ Michael Stearns

I picked up a transsexual hooker named Thor, all six feet of her, at the off ramp to Eau Claire, Wisconsin, as I was driving up north to kill a man. ~ J.A. Konrath

The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter,
It isn't just one of your holiday games;
You may think at first I'm as mad as a hatter
When I tell you, a cat must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES.
First of all, there's the name that the family use daily,
Such as Peter, Augustus, Alonzo or James,
Such as Victor or Jonathan, or George or Bill Bailey -
All of them sensible everyday names.
There are fancier names if you think they sound sweeter,
Some for the gentlemen, some for the dames:
Such as Plato, Admetus, Electra, Demeter -
But all of them sensible everyday names.
But I tell you, a cat needs a name that's particular,
A name that's peculiar, and more dignified,
Else how can he keep up his tail perpendicular,
Or spread out his whiskers, or cherish his pride?
Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum,
Such as Munkustrap, Quaxo, or Coricopat,
Such as Bombalurina, or else Jellylorum -
Names that never belong to more than one cat.
But above and beyond there's still one name left over,
And that is the name that you never will guess;
The name that no human research can discover -
But THE CAT HIMSELF KNOWS, and will never confess.
When you notice a cat in profound meditation,
The reason, I tell you, is always the same:
His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation
Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name:
His ineffable effable
Eff ~ T.S. Eliot

Call me Ishmael. I won't answer to it, because it's not my name. ~ Jenny Lawson

This isn't funny. She was almost killed.'
'I'm aware. You're waiting to see if I will get angry.'
'I already know you're angry. You're sitting very still and you're talking very quietly. You're getting ready to kill someone.'
'I just need a name. ~ Derek Landy

As you look at the first four, the significant thing is that Alboreto is fifth. ~ Murray Walker

There it was, Hema must have thought; it was both the sorry and the thank-you that was so long overdue, and the funny thing was that at this moment, she didn't care. It no longer mattered. She didn't even look his way. ~ Abraham Verghese

I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Folks are funny. They can't stick to one way of thinking or doing anything unless they get a new reason for doing it ever so often. ~ William Faulkner

When you cut it up, put the pieces in your mouth and swallowed them, the British hamburger shaped itself to the bottom on your stomach like ballast, while interacting with your gastric juices to form an incipient belch of enormous potential, an airship which had been inflated in a garage. This belch, when silently released, would cause people standing twenty yards away to start examining the soles of their shoes. The vocalized version sounded like a bag of tools thrown into a bog. ~ Clive James

If this prinicpal thinks blogging isn't educational, he needs his head examined: he should be seeking out every student blogger in the school and giving them special time to blog more - and giving them extra credit besides. ~ Cory Doctorow

...she thought how funny that the first thing you didn't need was the words you said. ~ C.E. Morgan

Somehow we manage it: to like our friends, to tolerate not only their little ways but their huge neuroses, their monumental oddness: "Oh well," we smile, "it's one of his funny days." ~ Fleur Adcock

Young lawyers attend the courts, not because they have business there, but because they have no business. ~ Washington Irving

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners. ~ Bauvard

It's funny. I don't like onions but I like onion rings. What's up with that? ~ Jared Leto

Just so you know,' I explained, remembering my own earlier arrogance, 'if you've ever owned a cat and therefore think you know how to handle a puma, you don't. It would be like playing with sharks because you once owned a goldfish. ~ Peter Allison

She held out a small voice recorder. 'By the way, could you describe exactly how you felt at the moment of impact? I'm writing this short story
'
'Put that away, Hazel,' hissed Mam. 'The poor boy is in pain.'
Hazel persisted. 'Would that be a white-hot pain? Or more of a dull throbbing pain? ~ Eoin Colfer

I don't change the language for children books. I don't make the language simpler. I use words that they might have to look up in the dictionary. The books are shorter, but there's just not that much difference other than that to be honest. And the funny thing is, I have adult writer friends [to whom I would say], "Would you think of writing a children's book?" and they go, "No, God, I wouldn't know how." They're quite intimidated by the concept of it. And when I say to children's books writers, would they write an adult book, they say no because they think they're too good for it. ~ John Boyne

And I sort of felt her...you know."

Alan made an exaggerated shape of a heart.

"You touched her heart?" Mike queried.

"No! Her bum. It's sort of, you know, heart shaped. Big heart."

He flexed his fingers, remembering the feel of it. "Soft. ~ Angela Verdenius

By the ruler's cultivation of his own character there is set up the example of the course which all should pursue. ~ Confucius

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect ... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Despite a lifetime of service to the cause of sexual liberation, I have never caught venereal disease, which makes me feel rather like an Arctic explorer who has never had frostbite. ~ Germaine Greer

It's kind of funny to me listening to people who claim to have these great records of winning a hundred and some odd straight felony cases without a loss and that kind of stuff that you hear of all the time. I'm here to tell you, if you let me pick out which hundred cases I get to try, I'll win a hundred of them in a row, too. Case selection is everything in creating records like that. My philosophy was, I tried them all. If I made a determination that the evidence was sufficient to justify the prosecution, then I would try the case, and certainly whenever you do that, you're going to lose a certain percentage of them. ~ Mark Baker

It's funny because my main awkwardness around writing the song had little to do with the method. ~ Erin McKeown

Kaylee giggled as he tunneled up inside her sleeve.
Out popped his head for a quick look, then he took leave.
He enjoyed scaling up, down and around her shirt.
What a sweet, funny and adorable flirt. ~ Melinda K. Trotter

Lobsters," Aithinne says again, just in case I misheard her, and I rather hoped I had. "I hear they're biologically immortal," she explains, "and exempt from greed. And they're funny looking, so I've decided they're my favorite... what do you think of a lobster for a pet?" Aithinne asks suddenly, as if she's thought long and hard about this. ~ Elizabeth May

I have nothing to lose, but something to gain. ~ Eminem