Condescending Humor Quotes

How the hell did you know where I was?" Prophet demanded.
Cillian said simply, "Don't bother searching your phone for chips."
"Then how did you know?"
"Prophet, I know everything."
Fuck him. Cillian did. ~ S.E. Jakes

Embarrassing facts, those would really help our children remember their classroom lessons better. ~ Bauvard

It was usual to be obedient to authority, to obey a legal letter. But Rachaela left her bills
unpaid until the threats began. She ignored the money-envelopes stuck through the door for starving
children and the sick. ~ Tanith Lee

Although I was able to maintain a pleasant expression, I was mentally throwing up in her face. ~ Augusten Burroughs

How comforting,' I replied, my voice and my expression steadily serious, 'to think that in these difficult times God is still concerned with the details of the housing assignments. I myself have no time to discuss them just now. ~ Ann Leckie

When women respond negatively to misogynistic or rape humor, they are "sensitive" and branded as "feminist," a word that has, as of late, become a catchall term for "woman who does not tolerate bullshit. ~ Roxane Gay

I'm tired of the anonymity of being an unpublished author. I crave the anonymity of being self-published. ~ Tristan Durie

Dorothy asked timidly: "Did his wife say anything?
"She sent her love to you."
Nora said: "Stop being nasty. ~ Dashiell Hammett

Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it. ~ Suzanne Collins

But it also became the experience, or was the experience, of the writers who were attracted to this kind of humor. They're all men or women who come from the same kind of experience in their own lives. ~ Norman Lear

How appealing is my ferocious expression? Appealing like a cool drink on a summer day, or like kittens on a postcard?"
She smiled. He'd delivered the question in his usual bass rumble and she was surprised to realize that she hadn't thought a voice that deep and masculine could actually say words like 'kittens' and 'lovely'. Just like she hadn't thought such a big, ferocious-looking man was capable of such playfulness. 21% ~ Rhyll Biest

Want wisdom? Laugh at yourself. ~ Maggie Bishop

As Richard has pointed out on several occasions, I subscribe to the irregular verb theory of life: I am a trained investigator, you have a healthy curiosity, she/he is a nosy parker. ~ Val McDermid

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath. ~ George Carlin

Pleasanter surprise," he managed, backing us away from the threshold. There's the idea. I pushed him gently against the wall and started tugging on his shirt.
"About to get even pleasanter," I murmured against his neck as my fingers found the drawstring of his pants.Bad grammar is such a turn- on. ~ Diana Peterfreund

And you've actually watched it yourself?' I asked. 'Willingly?'
Sure. I had to see it, you know? Besides we should be safe. Only one in twenty viewers actually had a bad reaction. And it was mostly kids who were affected. I mean younger than you guys. I think the average age was about ten.'
That made me feel somewhat better.
But that was a kid's show,' said Jen. 'Maybe it affects everyone, but not that many adults were watching.'
That made me feel less better. I wanted my protective bangs back. ~ Scott Westerfeld

You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar. ~ Zach Galifianakis

I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says "E", I get all cocky - "I've got this one, don't worry." So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Listen, do you really expect me to believe that God lives beneath the Vatican?- Ezio Auditore ~ Oliver Bowden

There is no one who has ever created music with the combination of intelligence, intuition, depth, creativity, and humor that Jerry Garcia has. His work and life will continue to be a limitless source of inspiration for all of us. ~ Bruce Hornsby

Relax," Langdon whispered. "Do your piranha thing. ~ Dan Brown

We've all got trashy friends, but we should choose our trashy friends with more care. ~ Dominick Dunne

Pharaoh's Flour promises the full fidelity of your husband and the eternal good behavior of your children - not only because the delicacies that you create with it can never be forgotten, but also because Pharaoh's Flour bakes into every cake and pie the ancient spells and curses with which the pharaohs guarded their undisturbed homes and descendants into Eternity. And the ancient spells and curses, once guarded by the wise and wealthy, are now available in your kitchen. Pharaoh's Flour! ~ Tim Westover

I make love like never, only less often. ~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Just because I'm no jaw clacker doesn't mean there should be a ruction put up whenever I have sommat to say. ~ Tamora Pierce

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side. ~ Bill Hicks

I hadn't known this about love: that you did not need to deserve it. I thought there was a set of criteria, like a good sense of humor and looks and wealth. You could compensate deficiencies in one area with excellence in another, hence rich, ugly men with beautiful wives. But there was an algorithm involved. That was why I thought I was unloved: I didn't score highly enough. I had made some attempts to improve my score and also told myself I didn't care because that was what women wanted, something fake and temporary, I would rather be alone. And sometimes I was just lazy and would rather code things. But here I was soaking in a bath of my own filth with Lola scrubbing my shoulders, and what algorithm could explain that? That problem was nonhalting. ~ Max Barry

Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. "I don't think this dude can see." ~ Mitch Hedberg

A week ago someone warned me not to buy the blueberry muffins at Eddie's, but I didn't listen and bought them anyway. Now at odd hours I get these insatiable cravings."
"They're laced with addictive substances. ~ Kasie West

Kelly glanced at the freezer as they headed for the steps. "Hey, maybe one of them will donate a liver to your dad."
Nick looked over his shoulder at Kelly, his eyes wide.
"I'm just saying. Three perfectly good livers sitting in there," Kelly said, completely deadpan. "Nobody's using them. I'll go get one for you."
Nick gaped at him. "How the hell did you ever pass your psych evals?"
"I cheated off your papers."
Nick rolled his eyes and started up the stairs.
"The Navy gives bubble tests. When in doubt, go with C."
"Kelly."
"Get it? Navy? The sea?"
"Kels, shut up."
"Oh, come on! You love puns."
Nick laughed, unable to stop himself. ~ Abigail Roux

I clung tightly to Kwan's mane as he propelled his great serpent body through the cloud banks. The cockatrice's big green head dipped under the clouds, and I spotted an emerald island below, with dramatic peaks jutting up from the jungle. I asked the great cockatrice for the name of the isle, but he only laughed at me, saying that names changed faster than a century's wind. That didn't seem very fast to me, but I took his word for it. ~ Heather Heffner

Caesar was a serial seducer of married women. ~ Adrian Goldsworthy

When you don't want something or someone anymore, the truth is, you don't give a damn about who has it. And that's the truth. - TheAffidavitOfNiedriaDionneKenny ~ Niedria Dionne Kenny

I grew up under Roman rule, although I didn't see many Romans until I was ten. The Romans mostly stayed in the fortress city of Sepphoris, an hour's walk north of Nazareth. That's when Joshua and I saw a Roman soldier murdered, but I'm getting ahead of myself. For now, assume that the soldier is safe and sound and happy wearing a broom on his head. ~ Christopher Moore

They throw Winfield out at second, but he's safe. ~ Jerry Coleman

Can I cuddle up with you when you sleep?"

Sma stopped, detached the creature from her shoulder with one hand and stared it in the face. "What?"

"Just for chumminess' sake," the little thing said, yawning wide and blinking. "I'm not being rude; it's a good bonding procedure."

Sma was aware of Skaffen-Amtiskaw glowing red just behind her. She brought the yellow and brown device closer to her face. "Listen, Xenophobe - "

"Xeny."

"Xeny. You are a million-ton starship. A Torturer class Rapid Offensive Unit. Even - "

"But I'm demilitarized!"

"Even without your principle armament, I bet you could waste planets if you wanted to - "

"Aw, come on; any silly GCU can do that!"

"So what's all this shit for?" She shook the furry little remote drone, quite hard. Its teeth chattered.

"It's for a laugh!" it cried. "Sma, don't you appreciate a joke?"

"I don't know. Do you appreciate being drop-kicked back to the accommodation area?"

"Ooh! What's your problem, lady? Have you got something against small furry animals, or what?" Look Ms. Sma, I know very well I'm a ship, and I do everything I'm asked to do - including taking you to this frankly rather fuzzily specified destination - and do it very efficiently, too. If there was the slightest sniff of any real action, and I had to start acting like a warship, this construct in your hands would go lifeless ~ Iain M. Banks

Well, man, you know what they say.
No, I don't. I don't know what they say.
I don't even know who they are.
Who is this they?
They seem pretty smug.
They seem to think they know shit.
Fuck them. ~ Bo Burnham

Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it. ~ Bill Hicks

A mother, you son-of-a-bitch, is sacred! ~ Andrzej Sapkowski

I'm a country boy, I just want a woman to love and something to fix! ~ J. Dursky

After that, things happened very quickly. She gave me a key to her house, and I gave her a key to my apartment. If we were in town, we spent every weekend together. She cooked for me - she was good in the kitchen, but then she was good everywhere. We watched the Friday night fights on TV, and on Saturday or Sunday afternoons we'd go for long walks in the mountains above Malibu. Occasionally we would go to a movie, slipping in after the lights went down. Whenever we went out, Barbara [Stanwyck] would wear a scarf over her head, or a kind of hat, so it would be hard to tell who she was. For the next four years, we became part of each other's lives. In a very real way, I think we still are. Barbara proved to be one of the most marvelous relationships of my life. I was twenty-two, she was forty-five, but our ages were beside the point. She was everything to me - a beautiful woman with a great sense of humor and enormous accomplishments to her name. ~ Robert Wagner

I paid you five thousand instead and promised the balance only if you made the match. As it turns out, this is your lucky day because I've decided to write you the full check, whether the match comes from you or from Portia. As long as I have a wife and you've been part of the process, you'll get your money." He toasted her with his beer mug. "Congratulations."

She put down her fork. "Why would you do that?"

"Because it's efficient."

"Not as efficient as having Powers handle her own introductions. You're paying her a fortune to do exactly that."

"I'd rather have you."

Her pulse kicked. "Why?"

He gave her the melty smile he must have been practicing since the cradle, one that made her feel as though she was the only woman in the world. "Because you're easier to bully. Do we have a deal or not?"

"You don't want a matchmaker. You want a lackey."

"Semantics. My hours are erratic, and my schedule changes without warning. It'll be your job to cope with all that. You'll soothe ruffled feathers when I need to cancel at the last minute. You'll keep my dates company when I'm going to be late, entertain them if I have to take a call. If things are going well, you'll disappear. If not, you'll make the woman disappear. I told you before. I work hard at my job. I don't want to have to work hard at this, too."

"Basically, you expect me to find your bride, court her, and hand her over at the al ~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

What I'm doing when I'm doing my speaking engagements is that I'm delivering serious material with humor. So, instead of delivering humor without a particular point other than to entertain people, I'm delivering comedy in a serious way. ~ Andy Andrews

Dionysus, as the God of Wine, suggested that the occasion should be turned into a magnificent orgiastic event, with the Muses & the Graces dancing to the music of Apollo, Hermes & Pan as well as that of the Maenads & Bacchantes.
So the venue that Dionysus suggested was agreed upon even before the main players, the King of the Gods & the Goddess of Love, had agreed to mate. ~ Nicholas Chong

Oh, don't be so wise and stupid. ~ Elizabeth Gaskell

Holy crap, you are like a dog with a bone," I commented to Ryan.
"Or just one with a boner. ~ Stacey Marie Brown

The barber ran to the broken window, and saw Gavroche, who was running with all his might towards the Saint Jean market. On passing the barber's shop, Gavroche, who had the two children on his mind, could not resist the desire to bid him "good day", and had sent a stone through his sash.
"See!" screamed the barber, who from white had become blue, "he makes mischief. What has anybody done to this Gamin? ~ Victor Hugo