Burnham Quotes

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't. ~ Bo Burnham

Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth. ~ Bo Burnham

The difference between great actors and the rest of us isn't simply that they know how to make more out of less, but that, like lions at the watering hole, they will always take more than their share from the pool of available resources - extra air from the room, added knowledge from our faces. ~ John Burnham Schwartz

People ask me all the time, ALL the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, 'Bo, you're an artist ... how do we fix Africa?' ~ Bo Burnham

Animal research has lead to advances in the treatment of many conditions ... Where there is no alternative available, we will continue to ensure that the balance between animal welfare and scientific advancement is maintained. ~ Andy Burnham

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome. ~ Bo Burnham

My gaze drifts up again to the break in the wall and the night sky beyond it. 'So why call this the Keep of Ages?' I ask.
'Maybe they hoped it would stand forever,' Linus says. 'It's about timelessness.'
'Immortality,' Burnham says.
I smile. 'Ironic, isn't it, since it's crumbling? ~ Caragh M. O'Brien

My persona is most importantly just to communicate the material in a way that is most funny and meaningful in the moment. It's more like a character that's sculpted for whatever joke needs communicating at the moment. ~ Bo Burnham

I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch. ~ Bo Burnham

Do unto others as you would have them do to you, said the rapist. ~ Bo Burnham

I try and write satire that's well-intentioned. But those intentions have to be hidden. It can't be completely clear, and that's what makes it comedy. ~ Bo Burnham

It's not most important to communicate myself on stage as it is to be as funny or interesting as I possibly can on stage. I feel more like I'm doing a play whose main character just happens to share my name. ~ Bo Burnham

No one else "makes" us do anything. They can't make us nag them, or make us angry, or make us have to strike out at them, or make us drink alcohol, or make us yell at them, or anything else. We are responsible for our choices, including our responses and reactions. ~ Cathy Burnham Martin

Appreciation and respect are mutual needs. We may be wired differently as men and women, but some needs are parallel human needs. ~ Cathy Burnham Martin

As a reminder to himself and anyone who visited his office in the shanty, Burnham posted a sign over his desk bearing a single word: RUSH. ~ Erik Larson

I get more ass than a giant donkey stable. ~ Bo Burnham

When things [writing] are over, I always think, 'well, I'm never going to do anything again because I have no ideas so I'm going to go be a farmer'. Or else ideas will come and and if not then I become a farmer. Hopefully won't happen. ~ Bo Burnham

There's no backward and no forward, no day other than this. You fill your cart as you go, and that's that. ~ John Burnham Schwartz

Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate. ~ Bo Burnham

By almost every account he's a fine young man. I'm simply trying to figure out why I should care that he's three centimeters taller than he was in May. ~ John Burnham Schwartz

The most drastic and usually the most effective remedy for fear is direct action. ~ William Burnham Woods

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls. ~ Bo Burnham

Folks who scream the loudest get heard, and those who spew the most negative, most repeatedly, get falsely perceived as telling the truth. ~ Cathy Burnham Martin

If comedy is about surprises, about tension, there's a lot of tension and surprise there, in the fact that people are expecting this to be natural. ~ Bo Burnham

My work is trying to at least define myself on my own terms, and then if other people enjoy things that's a lovely addition. ~ Bo Burnham

Women are like toes and fingers they're easy to count on. ~ Bo Burnham

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist. ~ Bo Burnham

like Burnham Overy at all, really," he added. "They ~ Jason Goodwin

Societies that have condoned male cheating and condemned female cheating are simply male-dominated cultures. Cheating is cheating, no matter who is doing it. It's wrong. ~ Cathy Burnham Martin

If you can think of all the times in your life, some of the happiest times were probably when you were laughing. And some of the worst times in your life you were being laughed at. ~ Bo Burnham

Just as we seldom realize that we are growing old until we are already old, so do the contemporary actors in a major social change seldom realize that society is changing until the change has already come. ~ James Burnham

Without hope, the need to punish is the one true religion. Blame must be fixed on some soul other than one's own. ~ John Burnham Schwartz

I've always liked the format of YouTube, sharing things for free, which is a nice exchange between people. ~ Bo Burnham

I've found nothing but support and generosity from older comics. I think comedians are a lot nicer than the stigma is, at least from my experience. ~ Bo Burnham

Life belongs to optimists. Pessimists are just viewers. Making it real, starts with our attitude. ~ Cathy Burnham Martin

Where are all the sour patch parents? ~ Bo Burnham

I never felt like I was stealing anyone's fans as much as I was introducing some younger people to comedy who will eventually find tons of other comedians that they love. ~ Bo Burnham

Humour is often linked to shared experience. Like, a guy gets up and says, "Have you noticed public restrooms have really inefficient hand-dryers?" Oh my God, yes I have, hahaha, really
good point, they should ... fix that. It's good to know that somebody finally gets me! ~ Bo Burnham

In high school, I worked eight hours a day just so I could get into the college of my dreams and say that I got in - and I never went. ~ Bo Burnham

People in today's world, whether Muslim or not, will not pay attention to Christians because we can explain our theology in crystal-clear terms. They will not esteem us because we give to charity or maintain a positive outlook on life. What will impress them is genuine love in our hearts. ~ Gracia Burnham

I love you like a gay geneticist loves designer genes. ~ Bo Burnham

When life gives you lemons, you probably just found lemons ~ Bo Burnham

I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to f-k me. ~ Bo Burnham

The problem for us, as viewers, is that we want famous people who are passionate about the things they're famous for, because that makes them worthy of the attention. But I think many of those famous people just want to be famous. ~ Bo Burnham

I have long admired the visceral storytelling and moral complexity of John Vaillant's brilliant non-fiction about humankind's tragically ambivalent relationship with the natural world. Now he brings his abundant literary gifts to a debut novel set in a very real borderland in which human beings are themselves treated like animals. The Jaguar's Children is a beautifully rendered lament for an imperiled culture and the brave lives that would preserve it. You should read it. ~ John Burnham Schwartz

A shiver runs down your spine when you realize it is not our imagination. Something is watching us out there ... ~ Sophy Burnham

We never want to be taken for granted, but our partners should be able to expect our honest loyalty. That is a powerfully strong foundation block for a relationship. I want to meet the greatest expectations, without being the greatest fraud. ~ Cathy Burnham Martin

Modern liberalism, for most liberals is not a consciously understood set of rational beliefs, but a bundle of unexamined prejudices and conjoined sentiments. The basic ideas and beliefs seem more satisfactory when they are not made fully explicit, when they merely lurk rather obscurely in the background, coloring the rhetoric and adding a certain emotive glow. ~ James Burnham

I've found, across the board, that comedians have been very respectful and kind to me. And that seems to stem from the fact that they are just respectful and kind people in general. Comedians get a bad rap for being dark and anti-social I think. ~ Bo Burnham

I'm friends with a lot of comedians, but we don't talk about material. Most comedians I know don't watch a lot of other comedy. ~ Bo Burnham

When I'm having trouble I write by hand. There is some connection between the mind and the fingers that draws out words. ~ Sophy Burnham

I want to tell this right. I was thirty-eight years old. I had spent my entire adult life reading meanings into other people's stories, finding the figure in the carpet, the order in things. God in the details and no place else. ~ John Burnham Schwartz

I put a chameleon on a red dildo... He blushed ~ Bo Burnham

We will remember the hurt, the injustice, and the trauma, but we can forgive the sinner. ~ Cathy Burnham Martin

I have a lion inside me, and I had to feed it words every few days; when I don't, it begins to eat me instead. ~ Sophy Burnham

As far as we can look back into history, the downfall of any nation can be traced from the moment that nation became timid about spending its best blood. ~ Frederick Russell Burnham

I always wanted to be a comedian and actor, [ ... ] I basically stumbled into the music medium, though. I'm OK, but that's about it. I like to think I'm good enough not to negatively affect the performance. ~ Bo Burnham

I believe, firmly, that women are always right. Ah, I should actually rephrase that: I ... don't. ~ Bo Burnham

Mathematically-minded persons will thus perceive immediately that the magnitude scale is a logarithmic one and that the number 2.512 is the fifth root of 100. ~ Robert Burnham Jr.

At the time of 'Words, Words, Words,' I'm a 19-year-old getting up feeling like he's entitled to do comedy and tell you what he thinks of the world, so that's inherently a little bit ridiculous. ~ Bo Burnham

There's a certain line between jokes and music and poetry that's a bit blurred in my mind. ~ Bo Burnham

At one point when I was very young, when I was first starting out, I thought, 'Well, one day I'll be able to put all the music away and become a real comedian.' But then I realized there are amazing musical comedians out there, that musical comedy is probably something I'll always want to pursue. ~ Bo Burnham

I'm happy with what I'm doing. I try not to focus on how I've changed. I just try to focus on what I'm doing now. ~ Bo Burnham

When I see someone filming me, I don't usually think, 'No, man, don't put this up online!' I'd think, 'Hey man, you don't get to go to shows very often, put down the camera and enjoy it!' I love going to theatre and to shows so much. ~ Bo Burnham

I thought I wanted to be a physicist in high school until I learned that there was much more math than philosophy in it. I assumed I would just sit around all day and think. ~ Bo Burnham

She was Mattie Tucker now, mother of three and a good forty pounds heavier, casting that burning eye over them all, reaching way back for a southern pleasantry that was more like a Halloween apple with a razor blade in it: 'Well, don't y'all make just the perfect family of four? ~ John Burnham Schwartz

In truth, if it isn't to save your life when it's in imminent danger, someone yelling at you is just plain wrong. The same is true for ranting or bitching. The same goes double for anything even close to manhandling. ~ Cathy Burnham Martin

Where do you put your attention? On fear or love? I wish the choice were made just once and not repeated every moment of the day. ~ Sophy Burnham

A noble, logical diagram once recorded will never die. ~ Daniel Burnham

There is tremendous trauma in the betrayal caused by a perpetual liar as they repeatedly commit psychological abuse. ~ Cathy Burnham Martin

For me, comedy is constantly presented as this fake casualness, like a guy just walked on stage going, 'This crazy thing happened to me the other day.' And he's in front of 3000 people, and he's acting like an everyman, and he's getting paid so much money. ~ Bo Burnham

The U.K. and Europe in general seem to be a lot more patient. The U.S. are expecting 'joke joke joke joke joke joke joke.' They don't actually sit and listen to you. ~ Bo Burnham

So loving is the universe, so joyful, so determined to give us everything we need and to love us and show us the way to live, too, that we are beaten to the ground, boiled by God's waves, as we play in the surf. ~ Sophy Burnham

A girl never can predict who might wander into her boudoir during a bubble bath. ~ John Burnham Schwartz

Writing this book was primarily, I suppose, as most books are for their authors, a matter of self-education; more particularly, of the long re-education I had to undertake after seven Trotskyist years. I was grateful to these Machiavellians, and perhaps I gave them rather more than their due. Having come to know something of the gigantic ideology of Bolshevism, I knew that I was not going to be able to settle for the pygmy ideologies of Liberalism, social democracy, refurbished laissez-faire or the inverted, cut-rate Bolshevism called "fascism". Through the Machiavellians I began to understand more thoroughly what I had long felt: that only by renouncing all ideology can we begin to see the world and man. ~ James Burnham

Past misdeeds must only serve as a reference point in calm conversation about lessons learned or actions that taught us to behave better. They should never be bantered about with sarcasm, anger, or nastiness. ~ Cathy Burnham Martin

Your afraid of sharks?
Really?
They don't even have bones!
They have cartilage.
Are you afraid of ears too? ~ Bo Burnham

If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land? ~ Bo Burnham

Harriet Beecher Stowe thought Uncle Tom's Cabin was written through her by Another Hand, so little did she know what was going to happen from moment to moment in the book. She herself was amazed at what she was writing. ~ Sophy Burnham

Part of moving forward often involves stumbling a few steps back. ~ Cathy Burnham Martin

The strange thing was, when I was starting on YouTube, even the paradigm of YouTube and Internet sensation - or whatever - that didn't really exist. So I didn't even know that that was a thing. ~ Bo Burnham

Writing is so hard ... The first draft writing is so hard that sometimes in the beginning, before the work itself takes over, carrying you on its flood, you must give yourself rewards. "When I write this chapter, I can call my boyfriend." "When I finish one page more, I can get an ice cream cone." "If I write this section, I'll find a check in the mail." ~ Sophy Burnham

Angels come in all sizes and shapes and colors, visible and invisible to the physical eye. But always you are changed from having seen one. ~ Sophy Burnham

Consensus is something you have if you cannot have agreement. ~ Forbes Burnham

Let your watchword be order and your beacon beauty. ~ Daniel Burnham

How fitting, she thought, that her words,
after tumbling in her head all day,
came out shrunken
like they were meant for a child. ~ Bo Burnham

Drugs kill, just like cancer. So don't smoke ... tumors. ~ Bo Burnham

It requires neither time nor money to be kind. ~ Cathy Burnham Martin

I see young people being dismissed for supposedly wanting only "stupid" and "easy" material, or that they don't have an attention span longer than three minutes. I disagree with all those statements; I just think they aren't true. I'm saying that our generation wants stuff that is substantial and challenging, as well as thoughtful and endearing. Well, I don't know if I'm doing that, but I'm trying. ~ Bo Burnham

Life is an open book.
Time is an oscillating fan.
I've had to learn to skim-read because
before I can read more than a few paragraphs,
That fucking airhead comes circling back,
blowing pages like a medieval prostitute.
The cool air feels nice, though.
Sometimes, when my head aches,
I let me eyes relax
and I enjoy the breeze as the words blur. ~ Bo Burnham

Sexy is a decision. We decide that our spouse looks sexy to us. Period. It doesn't matter our age or how long we've been together. ~ Cathy Burnham Martin

The verification services that could be offered would be applied appropriately according to the business process that was involved, ~ Andy Burnham

Maybe life on earth could be heaven, doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try? ~ Bo Burnham

Some people believe that if they yell and scream, others will get the point of just how serious they are. For me, all I get is the point of just how out of control that someone is. ~ Cathy Burnham Martin

I was 12. Our, teacher made us write an autobiography and I realised that I wasn't very interesting. I began to make things up, and that's when I thought maybe I was a writer, or at least a fiction writer. ~ John Burnham Schwartz

Along the wide curving moat surrounding the palace, rows of cherry trees announced the end of their seasonal beauty. Some of the trees were weeping: blossoms in white and palest pink, ponderous with decreptitude, eddying on the brown water, stirred by the paddling of ducks. ~ John Burnham Schwartz

What's important is that you stay true to yourself. Because when you enter the real world, the most valuable thing you can bring is all your you-ness. The world doesn't need any more hot chicks or tough guys or smooth talkers - the world needs more you. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. ~ Bo Burnham

I was definitely not the kid that just wanted to be famous for no reason whatsoever and then happened to find comedy. Fame and all that stuff have always been slightly terrifying to me, and it makes me very anxious. ~ Bo Burnham

I misdirect the audience, so they have no idea where they are or who they're listening to. ~ Bo Burnham

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no. ~ Bo Burnham