Bathroom Humor Quotes

'The Sopranos' is filled with really retrograde humor. Bathroom humor, falls, stupid puns, bad jokes - infantile, adolescent stuff, but it makes me laugh. ~ David Chase

If your shoes stick to the bar floor, you may need to re-think using the bar bathroom. ~ Kimberly J. Dalferes

She glowered at him. 'For your information, in the past week, I have been, oh let's see, nearly raped,
kidnapped, tied to a bedpost, forced to cough my voice into nothingness-"
"That was your own fault."
"Not to mention the fact that I embarked upon a life of crime by breaking and entering into my former
home, was nearly trapped by my odious guardian-"
"Don't forget your sprained ankle," he supplied.
"Ooooohhhh! I could kill you!" Another bar of soap flew by his head, grazing his ear.
"Madam, you are certainly doing an able job of trying."
"And now!" she fairly yelled. "And now, as if all of that weren't undignified enough, I am forced to live
for a week in a bloody bathroom! ~ Julia Quinn

There was this book Dad used to read to me every night called "The Giving Tree." It was a really good book, but the back of it had a picture of the author, this guy named Shel Silverstein.
But Shel Silverstein looks more like a burglar or a pirate than a guy who should be writing books for kids.
Dad must have known that picture kind of freaked me out, because one night after I got out of bed, Dad said: "IF YOU GET OUT OF BED AGAIN TONIGHT, YOU'LL PROBABLY RUN INTO SHEL SILVERSTEIN IN THE HALLWAY."
That really did the trick, Ever since then, I STILL don't get out of bed at night, even if I really need to use the bathroom. ~ Jeff Kinney

Let's get a cup of coffee and maybe a blowjob in the bathroom. ~ Christina Lauren

The only bit of logic-based public bathroom humor I know is: the difference between men and women is that between the statement [P and not Q] and the statement [Q and not P]. ~ John Allen Paulos

Bathroom humor, fart, and poo poo humor in movies gets a laugh. It's a pretty easy audience, and that's been around for ages. ~ Selma Blair

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, you're probably in the wrong bathroom. ~ Robert Leland Taylor

I can't do it, if I finish that, I'll have to attach a seat belt to the toilet.
Maybe an airbag too. ~ J.A. Konrath

Russell looked as though he were in very dire need of a trip to the bathroom. ~ Christopher Andrews

I'll meet you outside," I said. No way was I actually doing to shout 'I have to pee' at the top of my lungs. ~ Stella Lennon

And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl. ~ Bill Cosby

How do you kill something that's already dead?
Nobody knows enough about them. Ask Jason. He'll have an opinion.
Wait a moment. Rachel could see Corinne talking to Jason, but they were too far ahead to hear. He says you chop them up into little pieces.
But what if that infects you with the disease?
Jason leaned closer to answer Corinne quietly. She laughed. You let Nollin do it. ~ Brandon Mull

I blush to think of her beholding my work," Verl confessed.
So do we," Newel assured him. ~ Brandon Mull

Allow me to congratulate you on your very astute powers of observation. ~ Kate DiCamillo

You want me to be your spy in a game of restaurant espionage? Will I need a code name?"
"It's nothing morally reprehensible or anything, " Wes hastened to assure her. "Just curiosity."
"I think your code name should be Tiberius," she said decisively. "I'll be Uhura."
"Tiberius? As in James Tiberius Kirk?" Wes blinked, then grinned. "Oh my God, this is your version of flirting. How do you say 'I fancy you' in Klingon? ~ Louisa Edwards

Streets full of water. Please Advise. ~ Robert Benchley

There is a great need for a sarcasm font. ~ Darynda Jones

If the story-tellers could ha' got decency and good morals from true stories, who'd have troubled to invent parables? ~ Thomas Hardy

Jane: Focus is important.
V: Only if you're a microscope. ~ J.R. Ward

Passive Income: It's not just about real estate ~ Chris Guillebeau

The long flight from Georgia to England had been pretty uneventful. Exceept that Cal had sat next to me.
Which was fine. Really.
It wasn't like I'd been hyperaware of his presence and jumped the three times his knee bumped mine. And adter that third time, he definitely hadn't shot me a kind of disgusted look and said, "Chill out, will you?"
And when Jenna gave us both a quizzical look, we hadn't snapped, in unison, "Nothing!" Because all of that would have been weird, and Cal and I weren't weird. We were cool. ~ Rachel Hawkins

I always thought that about the Garden of Eden story," said Ford.
"Eh?"
"Garden of Eden. Tree. Apple. That bit, remember?"
"Yes of course I do."
"Your God person puts an apple tree in the middle of a garden and says do what you like guys, oh, but don't eat the apple. Surprise surprise, they eat it and he leaps out from behind a bush shouting 'Gotcha'. It wouldn't have any difference if they hadn't eaten it."
"Why not?"
"Because if you're dealing with somebody who has the sort of mentality which likes leaving hats on the pavement with bricks under them you know perfectly well they won't give up. They'll get you in the end."
"What are you talking about?"
"Never mind, eat the fruit. ~ Douglas Adams

Nothing good can come from a crack of dawn meeting on a Monday morning. ~ Kathy Bryson - Fighting Mad

Never underestimate the fury of an angry mother, Caspar. They're the most vicious creatures in the world. ~ Elizabeth Hunter

Anger and humor are like the left and right arm. They complement each other. Anger empowers the poor to declare their uncompromising opposition to oppression, and humor prevents them from being consumed by their fury. ~ James H. Cone

I like the brooding man - a brooding man with a sense of humor. ~ Maira Kalman

I know that big people don't like questions from children. They can ask all the questions they like, How's school? Are you a good boy? Did you say your prayers? but if you ask them did they say their prayers you might be hit on the head. ~ Frank McCourt

Do you ever get a panicky feeling that nobody cares if you live or die? (A husband will often care decisively, one way or another.) ~ Sandra Gould

The sight of her made him understand why he'd lost his faith in God. ~ Sarah Langan

I have Body Dysmorphia... I think I look amazing! ~ Andy Merrick

When I arrived, I immediately saw the mother of an ex-boyfriend, the kind of ex-boyfriend that would make you want to look as good as possible if you ran into his mother at a shower when you were several months pregnant. She saw me, smiled politely, and made her way across the room to visit with me. We hugged, exchanged pleasantries, and caught up on what we'd both been doing. As we talked, I fantasized about her reporting to her son, my ex, the next day. Oh, you should have seen Ree. She was positively glowing! You should have seen how wonderful she looked! Don't you wish you had married her?
Deep into our small talk, I made mention of how long it had been since she and I had seen each other. "Well…I did see you recently," she replied. "But I don't think you saw me."
I couldn't imagine. "Oh really?" I asked. "Where?" I hardly ever came to my hometown.
"Well," she continued. "I saw you pulling out of McDonald's on Highway Seventy-five one morning a few weeks ago. I waved to you…but you didn't see me."
My insides suddenly shriveled, imagining myself violently shoving breakfast burritos into my mouth. "McDonald's? Really?" I said, trying my best to play dumb.
"Yes," my ex's mother replied, smiling. "You looked a little…hungry!"
"Hmmm," I said. "I don't think that was me."
I skulked away to the bathroom, vowing to eat granola for the rest of my pregnancy. ~ Ree Drummond

Oh, yeah. He's dead, a voice inside her head confirmed.
"No way!" Brianna backed away from him, looking around the room in panic.
Yeah, you're right. That lack of pulse probably means something else. ~ Natasha Larry

I work at the deli counter. Have to give people their succulent, chemical-ridden salami and whatnot.'

I pictured Miles in a dark room, standing at a butcher's block with a large knife in one hand, a blood cow's leg steadied under the other, a huge Cheshire grin spreading over his face--

'I bet the customers love you,' I said. ~ Francesca Zappia

I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure. ~ Mae West

Humor is the only way to overcome depression ~ Slavenka Drakulic

Cat herding is simple. Just drag a string behind you. ~ Aaron Dennis

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. ~ Billy Sunday

There are men who wants only the woman; such are tagged, 'real men', and there are ones who want only their bodies; such are tagged, 'fake men', and there are others who wants neither the woman, nor the body; such are tagged, 'GAY MEN ~ Michael Bassey Johnson

Women are aroused by the strangest things, like a rock going through their bedroom window ~ Josh Stern

Is your butt buzzing?
Cole, you have the worst timing! I jerked upright, tring to pull my phone out of my pocket and managing instead to bang my elbow against the wall.
Ow! Oh, shit that hurts! You know, the guy who decided it should be a funny bone was just a freaking masochist. Or is it a sadist? I always get those mixed up. ~ Jennifer Rardin

Margaret Atwood, the Canadian novelist, once asked a group of women at a university why they felt threatened by men. The women said they were afraid of being beaten, raped, or killed by men. She then asked a group of men why they felt threatened by women. They said they were afraid women would laugh at them. ~ Molly Ivins