Vetinari Quotes

Vimes stuck his helmet under his arm, smoothed back his hair, and knocked. He'd considered asking Sargent Colon to accompany him, but had brushed the idea aside quickly. He couldn't have tolerated the sniggering. Anyway, what was there to be afraid of? He'd stared into the jaws of death three times; four, if you included telling Vetinari to shut up. ~ Terry Pratchett

One of my predecessors used to have people torn to death by wild tortoises. It was not a quick death. ~ Terry Pratchett

Lord Vetinari in a meeting: what people said was what they wanted him to hear. He paid a lot of attention to the spaces outside the words, though. That's where the things were that they hoped he didn't know and didn't want him to find out. ~ Terry Pratchett

He shrugged. - They're just people - he said. - They're just doing what people do. Sir.
Lord Vetinari gave him a friendly smile.
- Of course, of course - he said. - You have to believe that, I appreciate. Otherwise you'd go quite mad. Otherwise you'd think you're standing on a feather-thin bridge over the vaults of Hell. Otherwise existence would be a dark agony and the only hope would be that there is no life after death. I quite understand. ~ Terry Pratchett

Lord Vetinari lifted an eyebrow with the care of one who, having found a piece of caterpillar in his salad, raises the rest of the lettuce. ~ Terry Pratchett

No," said his cousin. "I've had enough of this. Let's write to the newspapers! That's the way to get things done. Everyone's complaining about the fruit and vegetables and the seafood. Vetinari should be made to understand the plight of the small-time entrepreneur. After all, what do we occasionally pay our taxes for? ~ Terry Pratchett

Never build a dungeon you wouldn't be happy to spend the night in yourself. The world would be a happier place if more people remembered that. ~ Terry Pratchett

It was all very well going on about pure logic and how the universe was ruled by logic and the harmony of numbers, but the plain fact of the matter was that the Disc was manifestly traversing space on the back of a giant turtle and the gods had a habit of going round to atheists' houses and smashing their windows. ~ Terry Pratchett

Peace?' said Vetinari. 'Ah, yes, defined as period of time to allow for preparation for the next war. ~ Terry Pratchett

Your excellency, if you persist in this attitude a complaint will go to your Lord Vetinari!"
"He does so look forward to them. ~ Terry Pratchett

I believe he collects different types of stationery,' said Vetinari. 'I have sometimes speculated that he might change his life for the better should he meet a young lady willing to dress up as a manila envelope. ~ Terry Pratchett

They are tragic,' said Vetinari, 'and we laugh at their tragedy as we laugh at our own. The painted grin leers out at us from the darkness, mocking our insane belief in order, logic, status, the reality of reality. The mask knows that we are born on the banana skin that leads only to the open manhole cover of doom, and all we can hope for are the cheers of the crowd. ~ Terry Pratchett

Have you ever really watched him? I bet he'd found out everything about Jabbar by the time he'd talked to him for ten minutes. I bet he knows the name of every camel. And he'll remember it all. People don't take that much interest in other people, usually.' Her fingers idly traced a pattern in the sand. 'So he makes you feel important.'
'Politicians do that-' Vimes began.
'Not the way he does, believe me. I expect Lord Vetinari remembers facts about people-'
'Oh, you'd better believe that!'
'-but Carrot takes an interest. He doesn't even think about it. He makes space in his head for people. He takes an interest, and so people think they're intesting. They feel... better when he's around. ~ Terry Pratchett

There's a limit to the power of a spring, no matter how tightly one winds it.'
'Oh, yes. Yes. And you hope that if you wind a spring one way, all its energies will unwind the other way. And sometimes you have to wind the spring as tight as it will go,' said Vetinari, 'and pray it doesn't break.'
His expression changed.
'Oh dear,' he said. He didn't thump the wall. I may have gone too far. ~ Terry Pratchett

Moist waited. Lord Vetinari could outstare a statue and make even a statue start to feel nervous and confess. Moist's counter was a fetching grin, which he knew annoyed Vetinari beyond measure, and there was absolute silence in the Oblong Office while blank stare and cheery grin battled it out for supremacy in some other dimension. ~ Terry Pratchett

Apparently," Vetinari remarked to Drumknott, "the pounding of the railway wagons will lead to immorality. ~ Terry Pratchett

It was said that [Vetinari] would tolerate absolutely anything apart from anything that threatened the city* ... [Footnote] And mime artists. It was a strange aversion, but there you are. Anyone in baggy trousers and a white face who tried to ply their art anywhere within Ankh's crumbling walls would very quickly find themselves in a a scorpion pit, on one wall of which was painted the advice: Learn The Words. ~ Terry Pratchett

Technically, the city of Ankh-Morpork is a Tyranny, which is not always the same thing as a monarchy, and in fact even the post of Tyrant has been somewhat redefined by the incumbent, Lord Vetinari, as the only form of democracy that works. Everyone is entitled to vote, unless disqualified by reason of age or not being Lord Vetinari. ~ Terry Pratchett

Being an absolute ruler today was not as simple as people thought. At least, it was not simple if your ambitions included being an absolute ruler tomorrow. There were subtleties. Oh, you could order men to smash down doors and drag people off the dungeons without trial, but too much of that sort of thing lacked style and anyway was bad for business, habit-forming and very, very dangerous for your health. A thinking tyrant, it seemed to Vetinari, had a much harder job than a ruler raised to power by some idiot vote-yourself-rich system like democracy. At least they could tell the people he was their fault. ~ Terry Pratchett

You're not suggesting that Vetinari tucks into a nice rat every day?" said Angua.
"I've heard he uses rats as spies, so I don't think he'd use them as elevenses," said Carrot. ~ Terry Pratchett

And in this doleful mood he ventured to wonder if they ever thought back to when things were just old-fangled or not fangled at all as against the modern day when fangled had reached its apogee. Fangling was indeed, he thought, here to stay. Then he wondered: had anyone ever thought of themselves as a fangler? ~ Terry Pratchett

It's bad enough barging into Guild property, but we'll get into really serious trouble if we shoot anyone. Lord Vetinari won't stop at sarcasm. He might use' - Colon swallowed - 'irony. ~ Terry Pratchett

No practical definition of freedom would be completely without the freedom to take the consequences. Indeed, it is the freedom upon which all the others are based.
-Lord Havelock Vetinari- ~ Terry Pratchett

The Ankh-Morpork Trespassers' Society was originally the Explorers' Society until Lord Vetinari forcibly insisted that most of the places 'discovered' by the society's members already had people in them, who were already trying to sell snakes to the newcomers. ~ Terry Pratchett

The tincture of night began to diffuse the soup of the afternoon.
Lord Vetinari considered the sentence, and found it good. He liked 'tincture' particularly. Tincture. Tincture. It was a distinguished word, and pleasantly countered by the flatness of 'soup'. Yes. In which may well be found the croutons of teatime. ~ Terry Pratchett

Men marched away, Vimes. And men marched back. How glorious the battles would have been that they never had to fight! ~ Terry Pratchett

Persuasion comes in many forms," said Lord Vetinari. "No, I agree with Archchancellor Ridcully, sending Captain Carrot would be an excellent idea."
"What? Did I say something?" said Ridcully.
"Do you think that sending Captain Carrot would be an excellent idea?"
"What? Oh. Yes. Good lad. Keen. Got a sword."
"Then I agree with you," said Lord Vetinari, who knew how to work a committee. ~ Terry Pratchett

Just because someone's a member of an ethnic minority doesn't mean they're not a nasty small-minded little jerk. ~ Terry Pratchett

As they stepped out into the silent street he wondered if Lord Vetinari had been right about the press. There was something ... compelling about it. It was like a dog that stared at you until you fed it. A slightly dangerous dog. Dog bites man, he thought. But that's not news. That's olds. ~ Terry Pratchett

He didn't administer a reign of terror, just the occasional light shower. ~ Terry Pratchett