Running Humor Quotes

If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade. ~ Mitch Hedberg

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her. ~ Jim Norton

They tell ya when t' start and they tell ya when t' stop. All you have to do is run! ~ Mark K. Henderson

I've got a great sense of where I want to lead and I'm comfortable with why I'm running. And, you know, the call on that speech was, beware. This is going to be a tough campaign. ~ George W. Bush

When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!" ~ Mitch Hedberg

Trailing 5-1, the Padres added an insurance run in the eighth inning. ~ Jerry Coleman

When it comes to correct English, there's no one in charge; the lunatics are running the asylum. ~ Steven Pinker

My love runs by like a day in June, And he makes no friends of sorrows. He'll tread his galloping rigadoon In the pathway of the morrows. He'll live his days where the sunbeams start, Nor could storm or wind uproot him. My own dear love, he is all my heart,
And I wish somebody'd shoot him. ~ Dorothy Parker

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. ~ Oscar Wilde

Through the sacred art of pausing, we develop the capacity to stop hiding, to stop running away from our experience. We begin to trust in our natural intelligence, in our naturally wise heart, in our capacity to open to whatever arises. ~ Tara Brach

Long hair will make thee look dreafully to thine enemies, and manly to thy
friends: it is, in peace, an ornament; in war, a strong helmet; it ...
deadens the leaden thump of a bullet: in winter, it is a warm nightcap; in summer,
a cooling fan of feathers. ~ Thomas Dekker

When I caught up, I grabbed Jack's arm. "What are you
doing here?" "Hiding! That's how you play the game, right? I thought
the title hide-and-seek was fairly self-explanatory. Then
again, you are blond." "So are you, idiot. Again, what are you doing here? ~ Kiersten White

There si nothing upon the face of the earth so insipid as a medium. Give me love or hate! A friend that will go to jail for me, or an enemy that will run me through the body! ~ Fanny Burney

In the long run, it's not just how much money you make that will determine your future prosperity. It's how much of that money you put to work by saving it and investing it. ~ Peter Lynch

It's so hard to tell with him. He always looks like he's working the customer service desk at the DMV." "I always thought he looked like a postal worker who's about one write-up away from losing it completely. ~ Shelly Laurenston

Rarely offstage, rarely on hiatus, Fiddler on the Roof has already been back on Broadway for four revivals, played London's West End four times, and remains among Broadway's longest-running shows ever. ~ Barbara Isenberg

Story telling is joke telling. ~ Andrew Stanton

At what point is normal natural? ~ Janvier Chouteu-Chando

When you take advice from a cat, there are always consequences. ~ Elora Bishop

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever. ~ Mark Twain

You don't have to do anything. This is what you don't understand! You don't know any older magicians except our professors. It's a wasteland out there. Out here. You can do nothing or anything or everything, and none of it matters. You have to find something to really care about to keep from running totally off the rails. A lot of magicians never find it. ~ Lev Grossman

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none. ~ Adam Carolla

To bolster his right flank and attract women voters, John McCain had cynically opted for a running mate who was, by any stretch of the imagination, unqualified for a position a heartbeat away from the presidency. ~ Jay Parini

His stomach growled again. He couldn't remember ever being this hungry. A little brown spider scurried between his shoes. He snatched it up, shoved it in his mouth, chewed, swallowed. Wait. That's not right. Allen strongly suspected he needed to be rescued. ~ Victor Gischler

In the long run, no matter how good or successful you are or how clever or crafty, your business and its future are in the hands of the people you hire. ~ Akio Morita

We take the shortest route to the puck and arrive in ill humor. ~ Bobby Clarke

I promoted myself as a fusion ticket. I was running as a Republican liberal. ~ John Catsimatidis

The mind is continuously running around. It never sits, it can't sit. Sitting seems to be death to it, and in a way it is. ~ Rajneesh

The humorist has a good eye for the humbug; he does not always recognize the saint. ~ W. Somerset Maugham

Swift was the race, but short the time to run. ~ John Dryden

Zeus Is Dead is full of laugh-out-loud moments, lashings of sly wit, moan-worthy puns, and a complex, fast-paced storyline. There aren't very many humorous fantasy murder mysteries out there, especially not as intricately constructed as this one. Michael G. Munz takes a 'What if,' and runs with it like a toddler with Mom's smart phone. The guffaw-worthy throwaway bits will remind you of Douglas Adams. A very enjoyable read. ~ Jody Lynn Nye

When did my house turn into a hangout for every grossly overpaid, terminally pampered professional football player in northern Illinois?"
"We like it here," Jason said. "It reminds us of home."
"Plus, no women around." Leandro Collins, the Bears' first-string tight end emerged from the office munching on a bag of chips. "There's times when you need a rest from the ladies."
Annabelle shot out her arm and smacked him in the side of the head. "Don't forget who you're talking to."
Leandro had a short fuse, and he'd been known to take out a ref here and there when he didn't like a call, but the tight end merely rubbed the side of his head and grimaced. "Just like my mama."
"Mine, too," Tremaine said with happy nod.
Annabelle spun on Heath. "Their mother! I'm thirty-one years old, and I remind them of their mothers."
"You act like my mother," Sean pointed out, unwisely as it transpired, because he got a swat in the head next. ~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Those big-shot writers could never dig the fact that there are more salted peanuts consumed than caviar. ~ Mickey Spillane

There are few sources of energy so powerful as a procrastinating college student. ~ Paul Graham

Impatience is a form of fear: fear of running out of time. ~ Russell Eric Dobda

Why would I want to get depressed by watching TV? I could do that just by stepping on the scale every morning. ~ Max Brooks

I've always been introverted and so from a very young age I would play different scenarios in my head and let my imagination run free. ~ Matthew Carter

If someone called me chubby, it would no longer be something that kept me up late at night. Being called fat is not like being called stupid or unfunny, which is the worst thing you could ever say to me. Do I envy Jennifer Hudson for being able to lose all that weight and look smokin' hot? Of course, yes. Do I sometimes look at Gisele Bundchen and wonder how awesome life would be if I never had to wear Spanx? Duh, of course. That's kind of the point of Gisele Bundchen. And maybe I will, once or twice, for a very short period of time. But on the list of things I want to do in my lifetime, that's not near the top. I mean, it's not near the bottom either. I'd say it's right above "Learn to drive a vespa," but several notches below "film a chase scene for a movie. ~ Mindy Kaling