Poetic Humor Quotes

You see? There are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that's what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant - (sighs deeply). Oh, fuck it.

-M. Gustave, The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014) ~ Wes Anderson

Gordy," I said. "I need to talk to you."
"I don't have time," he said. "Mr. Orcutt and I have to debug some PCs. Don't you hate PCs? They are sickly and fragile and vulnerable to viruses. PCs are like French people living during the bubonic plague."
Wow, and people thought I was a freak.
"I much prefer Macs, don't you?" he asked. "They're so poetic. ~ Sherman Alexie

Cat herding is simple. Just drag a string behind you. ~ Aaron Dennis

Once in a while - perhaps every 10 years, or even every generation - a novel appears that profoundly questions the way we look at the world, and at ourselves. Beijing Coma is a poetic examination not just of a country at a defining moment in its history, but of the universal right to remember and to hope. It is, in every sense, a landmark work of fiction ~ Tash Aw

Great, now I've turned into a manga character who repeated everything everyone said. ~ Ilona Andrews

If I decide to be an idiot, then I'll be an idiot on my own accord. ~ Johann Sebastian Bach

Said Buddha to the hot dog vendor, make me one with everything. ~ New York Magazine

You have to have humor. If you don't have humor and you take yourself seriously, you're dead in the water. You have to be jostled. I love it. You've gotta have a laugh. It's better than working for a living. ~ Anthony Hopkins

Toilet paper unrolled and slithered
then wrapped around my tummy.
That paper tried to roll me up
into an Egyptian mummy. ~ Melinda K. Trotter

On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn't keep in touch. They're probably taxi drivers and accountants by now. ~ Craig Ferguson

Tria finally slumped to the ground "I swear I'm sick of falling into pits and swamps..."

"Hey, upside is you're not dead yet so win win." Ingra said cheerfully. ~ Charon Lloyd-Roberts

Ruth Cole was a novelist; novelists are not at their best when they go off half-cocked. She believed that she would prepare what she was going to tell the police - preferably in writing. ~ John Irving

Dagmar tried to stand, and Gwenvael caught her hand, pulling her back down. "You can't leave me. I'm tortured and brooding. You need to show me how much you adore me so I can learn to love myself again."
"You've never stopped loving yourself."
"Because I'm amazing. ~ G.A. Aiken

You've got no sense of humor."
"I'm going to laugh really hard after I kick your ass. ~ J.D. Robb

isn't telling a girl you just loooooove eating horsemeat one step away from saying you haven't lived 'til you've eaten puppy skewers? ~ Rachel Dratch

God is funny. He had a funny day when he made me. A funny, thoughtful, crazy day. He gave me a physique by which I would be so easily and so quickly judged, then gave me a mind by which I would so deeply magnetize, He put within me a heart with small, fast wings that I can hardly, barely handle, and then gave me a voice that hides behind everything in whispers. Oh, and also put a pen in my hand which writes me into madness! How can anyone possibly understand me? But I don't think God cared about that thought, when He made me! How ridiculously unfair! ~ C. JoyBell C.

Don't live in the virtual world, get out there and buy yourself a laptop ~ Benny Bellamacina

I Didn't Ask to Be a Senior Citizen (I Was Drafted) ~ Doug Jensen

She was a fascinating character, to say the least. A pioneer and instigator of many weird and wooly projects and who liked to "instigate" you right along with her. Every village has one, and Doris was ours. A lively individual who was always throwing herself into some harebrained scheme or other, taking no prisoners as she pulled you into her wild world of wackiness. Doris's "urgent" could mean anything from the need to raise money for lame goats to singing at the top of a living Christmas tree. ~ Suzanne Kelman

You have to enjoy power, have a certain ruthlessness, to accept the beauty and not mourn the fact that it overshadows everything else. As with any exaggerated trait that sets you apart and makes you exceptional - and enviable, and hateable - to accept your beauty, to accept its effect on others, to play with it, to make the best of it, you're well advised to develop a sense of humor. ~ Philip Roth

Is Jensen really your name?" she asked when he sat down again, closing the knife and tucking it back into his pocket.
"Does it matter? I've used any number of names. Jensen, Davidson, Wilson, Madsen."
"In other words your mother didn't know who your father was. ~ Anne Stuart

I write what I want to read. If I were to write what I know, I'd be staring at a blank page forever. ~ R.J. Dennis

Eyes narrowed, Judd stared at the structure as if at a mortal enemy. Slapping his fellow lieutenant on the shoulder, Riaz said, "Don't even think about it." A pissed-off telekinetic versus the complex metal pylons and tubes of the jungle gym- the results would not be pretty.
Judd glanced at his watch. "I'll destroy it later. ~ Nalini Singh

You sure are a sweet girl, Scout. I'm half tempted to keep you."
"Ummm ... Thanks?" Knowing she was a potential Alpha I worried about what "keeping me" might entail. Probably chains. And whips. And maybe a dog collar.
And now I was going to have to live with scary Fifty Shades Aunt Rachel pictures living in my head for all time. ~ Tammy Blackwell

Sex," the driver said, "Has no one ever told you about it?"

I took the New York Times from my carry-on bag and pretended to read, an act that apparently explained it all.

"Ohhh," the driver said, "I understand. You do not like pussy. You like the dick. Is that it?" I brought the paper close to my face, and he stuck his arm through the little window and slapped the back of his seat. "David," he said, "David, listen to me when I am talking to you. I asked do you like the dick?"

"I just work," I told him. "I work, and then I go home, and then I work some more." I was trying to set a good example, trying to be the person I'd imagined him to be, but it was a lost cause.

"I fucky-fuck every day," he boasted. "Two women. I have a wife and another girl for the weekend. Two kind of pussy. Are you sure you no like to fucky-fuck?"

If forced to, I can live with the word "pussy," but "fucky-fuck" was making me carsick. "That is not a real word," I told him. "You can say fuck, but fucky-fuck is just nonsense. Nobody talks that way. You will never get ahead with that kind of language."

Traffic thickened because of an accident, and, as we slowed to a stop, the driver ran his tongue over his lips. "Fucky-fuck," he repeated. "I fucky-fucky-fucky fuck. ~ David Sedaris

Niall's nostrils flared with a patience-inducing breath before he whispered, "Seriously? Are you packing today?"

Duff's overbuilt shoulders shifted as he turned to whisper a response. "Hey. You wear your glasses every day, Poindexter. I wear my gun."

"I wasn't aware that you knew what the term Poindexter meant."

"I'm smarter than I look" was Duff's terse response.

Keir chuckled. "He'd have to be."

Duff's muscular shoulders shifted. "So help me, baby brother, if you give me any grief today, I will lay you out flat."

"Zip it. Both of you."

Niall, Duff and Keir Watson ~ Julie Miller

You see? I know where every single book used to be in the library.' She pointed to the shelf opposite. 'Over there was Catch-22, which was a hugely popular fishing book and one of a series, I believe. ~ Jasper Fforde

Do you think you have the right to give me orders now?"
The Archangel of New York, a creature so lethal that part of her feared him even now, lifted the hair off her nape, brushed his lips across her skin. "Of course. You are mine." No hint of humor, nothing but stark possession.
"I don't think you've quite got the hang of this true love thing. ~ Nalini Singh

Notice that your judgments of what exists are the same kind of judgments you make about how to live your life. There aren't two kinds of things we do: judge what exists and decide what we want to do about it. Fundamentally, there is one kind of thing we do: live our lives. And we can reflect on this activity more or less abstractly. ~ Eric Kaplan

Fone Bone: HOLD IT! Thorn thinks Gran'ma Ben can help us get back to Boneville!
Phoney Bone: IT'S NOT WORTH IT! LET GO OF ME!
Fone Bone: Would you wait a minute?!! We can explain everything!
Phoney Bone: HELP! HELP! They've destroyed my cousin's brain!! OH MY GOSH! THey've already milked you haven't they?!! ~ Jeff Smith

If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon. ~ Johannes Brahms

I think you're like a man who loses an arm or a leg and keeps insisting that he can feel pain where the arm or leg used to be. ~ Anne Rice

My girl looks at me like I'm a big piece of cake and she is the fattest kid in America craving me. ~ Toni Aleo

In most poetic expressions of patriotism, it is impossible to distinguish what is one of the greatest human virtues from the worst human vice, collective egotism. ~ W. H. Auden

Seriously. Dados bounce." Bobby in Raven Rise ~ D.J. MacHale

The Cubs are a major league baseball team based in Chicago. Apparently, the team was once cursed by a goat and is doomed now to never win the World Series. The 71 seats [auctioned by the Chicago Board of Exchange] are adjacent to the Cubs' dugout on the third-base line. This is an unnecessary detail needed to give color to what would otherwise be a dull and uninspiring narrative. ~ Rakesh V. Vohra

The married thing. Sometimes I look at it and feel like someone from a Dickens novel, standing outside in the cold and staring in at Christmas dinner. Relationships hadn't ever really worked for me. I think it's had something to do with all the demons, ghosts, and human sacrifice. ~ Jim Butcher