Misattributed George Carlin Quotes

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relatio ~ Bob Moorehead

You get to play with people's little danger zones. ~ George Carlin

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it. ~ George Carlin

I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played. ~ George Carlin

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem. ~ George Carlin

I'm not in show business because I don't have to go to the meetings, I'm just not a part of it, I don't belong to it. When you "belong" to something. You want to think about that word, "belong." People should think about that: it means they own you. If you belong to something it owns you, and I just don't care for that. I like spinning out here like one of those subatomic particles that they can't quite pin down. ~ George Carlin

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything. ~ George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. ~ George Carlin

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly! ~ George Carlin

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. ~ George Carlin

When you start in the childhood period, when you begin to form a comic sense, it was the radio comedians - from the last days of radio and the first days of television. And Spike Jones. And the Marx Brothers. They represented anarchy. They took things that were nice and decent and proper, and they tore them to shreds. That attracted me. ~ George Carlin

The writing is what gives me the joy, especially editing myself for the page, and getting something ready to show to the editors, and then to have a first draft and get it back and work to fix it, I love reworking, I love editing, love love love revision, revision, revision, revision. ~ George Carlin

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking. ~ George Carlin

Every time you're exposed to advertising in America you're reminded that this country's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution, and marketing of bullshit. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure American bullshit. ~ George Carlin

Life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death! Has been for thousands of years! Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians; all taking turns killing each other because God told 'em it was a good idea. ~ George Carlin

Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent. ~ George Carlin

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it. ~ George Carlin

One time he was so hungover he had to consult a cottage cheese carton to determine the approximate date. ~ George Carlin

We spend the early years feeding our brains with information and the latter half trying not to think about it all. ~ George Carlin

My advice: just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place. ~ George Carlin

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians! ~ George Carlin

Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land, they own and control the corporations that've long since bought and paid for, the senate, the congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the judges in their back pocket, and they own all the big media companies so they control just about all of the news and the information you get to hear. They got you by the balls. They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying to get what they want. Well, we know what they want. They want more for themselves and less for everybody else. But I'll tell you what they don't want. They don't want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don't want well informed, well educated people capable of critical thinking. They're not interested in that. That doesn't help them. ~ George Carlin

Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. ~ George Carlin

Primitive societies, or social groupings, had shamans, and some of them even more recent in time. Shamans were tricksters. There was a tradition of the trickster, and the trickster was a clown, a humorous fellow. His task was to trick the gods, to humor the gods into laughing, so that there was access to the divine - because laughter is a moment when we are completely ourselves. ~ George Carlin

I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label. I feel that if I was figuratively dropped on the Earth and there was a political line, I would be just left of center. The difference for me is that conservatives are more interested in property values and rights and free markets, and liberals are more interested in human rights. In the end, there are people who don't fit into the marketplace and are not equipped. I believe the government should step in where the free market fails. ~ George Carlin

If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? ~ George Carlin

Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right. ~ George Carlin

Tonight's forecast: DARK. Continued mostly dark tonight, turning to wildly scattered light in the morning ~ George Carlin

I often wonder how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school. ~ George Carlin

If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital M tattooed on each cheek of your ass in pink and brown ink. Then when you bend over, it says "Mom." Also, later on if you're havin' sex with your girlfriend, and her parents are in the next room, when you finish up you can just lie on your back, draw your legs up to your chest and silently say, 'Wow! ~ George Carlin

The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch. ~ George Carlin

And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You never hear them say "Jesus made me drop the ball." "The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." According to these guys Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those "miracles." ~ George Carlin

There was a built-in audience for the rebel in me that had been all along not expressing himself. ~ George Carlin

Would a fly without wings be called a walk? ~ George Carlin

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. ~ George Carlin

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? ~ George Carlin

My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.' ~ George Carlin