Jerry Springer Show Quotes

Let's try to find ten good things to say about Albert Belle:
10. So far as we know, he's never killed anyone.
9. He is handsome, and built like a God.
8. He played every game.
7. He has never appeared on the Jerry Springer Show.
6. He was an underrated base runner who was rarely caught stealing.
5. He hasn't been arrested in several years.
4. He is very bright.
3. He works hard.
2. He has never spoken favorably about Adolf Hitler, Saddam Hussein, or any other foreign madman.
1. The man could hit. ~ Bill James

I don't have 'The Jerry Springer Show'. I just got 'Family Feud', but some of them families, when they lose, man, they have some real conversations with each other back behind that wall, but I've never been involved in any of them. ~ Steve Harvey

I'm a New Yorker. I'm liberal and open-minded. Things don't really shock me. But I was reading the second-act today and thinking that if you're religious, you could be. But you shouldn't be! You can be extremely religious and have your faith and still be open-minded to art. Because this is art. That's part of the excitement. It literally is "The Jerry Springer Show" on-stage set to beautiful operatic music. That's what's so incredible about it! ~ Max Von Essen

You know how is it when you love someone? And the hard part, the bad part, the Jerry Springer Show part is that you never stop loving someone. There's always a piece of them in your heart. ~ Neil Gaiman

In the end we're all Jerry Springer Show guests, really, we just haven't been on the show. ~ Marilyn Manson

For instance, my friend would never go on the show to air her dirty-laundry. But Tremont is outrageous! I've been watching a lot of clips of "The Jerry Springer Show" on YouTube (I can't tell you how many clips there are!) I get to witness these men going through the process to become women and what they're sharing. My character is pre-op. She's had the breast augmentation but still got "the goods" down there. ~ Max Von Essen

The Broadway audiences are very vocal and seem very engaged. For certain shows, especially with a show like 'The Heiress,' the audience's reactions sound like 'The Jerry Springer Show' sometimes. That seems to be a very New York thing. Oh, there's also the entrance round of applause here, which we don't get too much in London. ~ Dan Stevens

If you ask me, I think Jerry Springer destroyed the public image of the USA. I mean up to early in the nineties I still imagined it like it was presented in hollywoodfilms and stuff. But then, early in the 90's they started broadcasting that freakshow in the Netherlands, and that new idea of entertainment, where you put the biggest morons you can find on screen so you can watch it and feel superior. Later on, politics also discovered the same formula. We want politicians we feel superior to. The very idea of anything being 'better' or 'higher' than us makes people extremely uncomfortable. ~ Martijn Benders

You're a transsexual fighting with a hermaphrodite over a mistress. ~ Jerry Springer

>>How old were you when you had your first kiss?
>>Twenty. It's pathetic. Guys don't want to kiss fat girls.
>>Not true. There are all those guys on jerry springer, and there's president Clinton ...
>>Make that: no one I ever wanted to kiss wanted to kiss a fat girl.
>>I'll bet you never gave anyone a chance. Mitch says you practically beat him away with a stick.
>>I was trying to spare him. ~ Rainbow Rowell

Somewhere in the land, a monster lurked. ~ Jerry Springer

To go from politics to news, at least the subject matter is the same, even if the view is different. ~ Jerry Springer

TV is a huge draw. It's a magnet. Even when I was a policeman, if I was on a police scene and the news showed up, I'd race home to see if I would be on TV for 2 seconds! ~ Jerry Springer

Jean sat at the end of the bar, watching Jerry Springer as she drew deeply on a long cigarette. The woman smoked like a freight train, especially while watching talk shows. ~ Rose Wynters

Jerry Springer' is just kind of the chubby, redneck version of throwing Christians to the lions. ~ Hal Sparks

Who was I to meddle in people's love lives? Mine was a mess. My heart
wanted the one thing it wasn't allowed to have - love with someone besides my
cupid-appointed soul mate. I was so screwed up, I made the dysfunctional
relationships on Jerry Springer look wholesome. ~ Jenn Windrow

I'm sitting in front of the TV, watching Jerry Springer, and it makes me think of how many mad people there are in the world, and whether everyone is mad deep down, they just pretend they're not, and it's the people in asylums or on Jerry Springer who are the honest ones. I have a notebook and a chewed-up pen, and I'm trying to think of a topic for the Youth Issues speech. Mrs Thomas says she thinks I have a lot to say, but I don't. Nothing I can put words to anyway. I could talk about bullying, or alcoholism, but I don't think I could speak about that out loud, it's too real, and it'd be like I was standing up there naked. More than naked. It would be like my skin was all peeled off and I was just standing there with my heart all bloody and thumping in my rib cage for everyone to see. ~ Megan Jacobson

>>How old were you when you had your first kiss?
>>Twenty. It's pathetic. Guys don't want to kiss fat girls.
>>Not true. There are all those guys on jerry springer, and there's president Clinton...
>>Make that: no one I ever wanted to kiss wanted to kiss a fat girl.
>>I'll bet you never gave anyone a chance. Mitch says you practically beat him away with a stick.
>>I was trying to spare him. ~ Rainbow Rowell

I opposed the war in Iraq because I did not believe it was in our national security interest, and I still don't. What we [America] did was akin to taking a baseball bat to a beehive. Our primary security threat right now is terrorism
and by doing what we did in Iraq, we've managed to alienate a good part of the world and most of the allies whose intelligence and other help we need to combat and defeat terrorism. ~ Jerry Springer

My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy. ~ Roseanne Barr

She had several books she'd been wanting to read, but instead she sprawled out on the couch surrounded by pillows and blankets, and spent the hours flipping channels between Judge Judy, The People's Court, Maury, and Jerry Springer, and rounded out her afternoon with Dr. Phil and Oprah. All in all, it was a complete waste of a day. At least until school got out.
Jay showed up after school with a bouquet of flowers and an armful of DVDs, although Violet couldn't have card less about either...he was all she wanted. She couldn't help the electric thrill of excitement she felt when he came strolling in, grinning at her foolishly as if he hadn't seen her in weeks rather than hours. He scooped her up from the couch and dropped her onto his lap as he sat down where she had been just a moment before. He was careful to arrange her ankle on a neatly stacked pile of pillows beside him.
He stubbornly refused to hide his affection for her, and if Violet hadn't known better she would have sworn that he was going out of his way to make her self-conscious in her own home. Fortunately her parents were giving them some space for the time being, and they were left by themselves most of the time.
"Did you miss me?" he asked arrogantly as he gently brushed his lips over hers, not bothering to wait for an answer.
She smiled while she kissed him back, loving the topsy-turvy feeling that her stomach always got when he was so close to her. She wound her arms around his neck, forge ~ Kimberly Derting

Filip was from San Jose, but his painfully good looks excused that. He was tall, six-foot-something-or-other, intensely blue eyes, chiseled features, massive package. Didn't have Prince Albert in a Can, but he did have a thick gauged one through his cock head. His name really wasn't Filip, it was Brent, an all-American moniker about as dark and mysterious as pastel-colored bobby socks. Initially, I joked about his choice of sobriquet, changing his name to go off to the big city, transform into Mr. Big Stuff, until it dawned on me I'd done the same damn thing with my 'Catalyst' surname. So I shut up.

He comported himself with rigid shoulders and stiff gestures, as if he had a secret. Turns out he did. Filip was married, had a wife for more than a year now, but they had some kind of crazy arrangement. Days they were a couple; evenings they were free to do as they pleased. Where'd they come up with that idea, Jerry Springer?



"If you wanted to go back to your place, we could," Filip suggested. "But only until dawn." Yeah, right. An affair is an affair, the way I see it. What difference is there between 5 and 7 a.m.? Was their marriage some sort of religious fasting thing, starve until the sun sets then binge and party down? I'd never sunk my teeth into married meat, but figured it was a logical progression from my I'm Not Gay But It's Different With You saga. And if I was going to sin, I was gonna sin good. That means no peeking to see whether it's still d ~ Clint Catalyst

I'm in shape, but only if you consider a circle a shape. ~ Jerry Springer

It really was a hell of a motorcycle, ..It was arguably the first American motorcycle company, beating Harley by a year or so. Indian was the standard by which everything was gauged. ~ Jerry Springer

I treat politics kind of like my religion. It's something I believe in, but I don't want to have to make a living at it, because if you make a living at it, you somehow become dishonest. ~ Jerry Springer

Yesterday Jerry Springer bowed out of the Ohio Senate race. He said, 'If I can't run the most embarrassing campaign in America, then I'm out of here.' ~ Craig Kilborn

It's hard thinking about Iraq at night when I'm dancing with transvestites in the afternoon. ~ Jerry Springer

In one generation, my family went from extermination simply because of how they pray to God to this ridiculously privileged life I live today. So how can I not love America? ~ Jerry Springer

Obviously I wanted to be a bus driver - and I still do. If only I could get a part time job. ~ Jerry Springer

We can't just have mainstream behavior on television in a free society, we have to make sure we see the whole panorama of human behavior. ~ Jerry Springer

Love is great for us, but we don't always love who is great for us. ~ Jerry Springer

My guess is more reporters probably vote Democrat than Republican - just because I think reporters are smart. ~ Jerry Springer

We are all born as empty vessels which can be shaped by moral values. ~ Jerry Springer

Any country that enjoys fighting and bitching as a recreation as much as America does will always be, in some way or another, walking along a knife's edge. We're a nation that spends its afternoons watching white trash throw chairs at each other on Jerry Springer, its drive time listening to the partisan rantings of this or that hysterical political demagogue, and its late-night hours composing feverish blog entries full of anonymous screeds and denunciations. All of this shit is harmless enough so long as the power comes on every morning, fresh milk makes it to the shelves, there's a dial tone, and your front yard isn't underwater. But it becomes a problem when the magic grid goes down and suddenly there's no more machinery between you and whomever you happen to get off on hating. ~ Matt Taibbi

I'm a happy guy, but if I'm in a rare dark mood, I won't go out because I don't want to be horrible to people. ~ Jerry Springer

Mr Davis was a middle class tremble of a man worried about an unseemly display and his Jerry Springer moment ~ Saira Viola

With a face like mine, I do better in print. ~ Jerry Springer

You beef wit me, I'm-a even the score equally. Take you on Jerry Springer and beat your ass legally. ~ Eminem

I can't deny that Jerry Springer supposedly beating us didn't affect me. There was a point where I felt like, Golly, you work so hard, you try so hard and the people say they want meaningful television and then Jerry Springer ends up beating you. It was disturbing. ~ Oprah Winfrey

I knew early on that I would do politics, but I would never make a living at it. I would do something else. ~ Jerry Springer

The Statue of Liberty means everything. We take it for granted today. We take it for granted. Remember the Statue of Liberty stands for what America is. We as Democrats have to remind ourselves and remind the country the great principles we stand for. This is a place of protection. This is not a country of bullies. We are not an empire. We are the light. We are the Statue of Liberty. ~ Jerry Springer

Look after yourself and each other ~ Jerry Springer

I watch sports and cable news. I'm a political junkie, so that's my interest. ~ Jerry Springer

There is nothing that makes us feel so good as the idea that someone else is an evildoer. ~ Robert Lynd

All of us, whether or not we're celebrities, every one ought to spend part of their life making someone else's life better. ~ Jerry Springer

I've been watching 'Pawn Stars' every week for the last year. I like learning about the history behind the items that people bring into the pawnshop. I actually pawned a ring once that a woman sent to me while I was on 'Jerry Springer.' It was really gaudy. ~ Steve Wilkos

[Invading Iraq] would create generations that hated the USA. ~ Jerry Springer

God is the comic shepherd who gets more of a kick out of that one lost sheep once he finds it again than out of the ninety and nine who had the good sense not to get lost in the first place. God is the eccentric host who, when the country-club crowd all turned out to have other things more important to do than come live it up with him, goes out into the skid rows and soup kitchens and charity wards and brings home a freak show. The man with no legs who sells shoelaces at the corner. The old woman in the moth-eaten fur coat who makes her daily rounds of the garbage cans. The old wino with his pint in a brown paper bag. The pusher, the whore, the village idiot who stands at the blinker light waving his hand as the cars go by. They are seated at the damask-laid table in the great hall. The candles are all lit and the champagne glasses filled. At a sign from the host, the musicians in their gallery strike up Amazing Grace. ~ Frederick Buechner

The mask of kindly patronage had dropped away to show the hatred and the fear beneath. ~ Michael Moorcock

An ordinary mirror is silvered at the back but the window of the night train has darkness behind the glass. My face and the faces of other travellers were now mirrored on this darkness in a succession of stillnesses. Consider this, said the darkness: any motion at any speed is a succession of stillnesses; any section through an action will show just such a plane of stillness as this dark window in which your seeking face is mirrored. And in each plane of stillness is the moment of clarity that makes you responsible for what you do. ~ Russell Hoban

If there's any business that instructs you in the strong hand of fate, it's show business. You can plan and plan, but it's what happens to you that really determines what your career will be like. ~ Sam Waterston

Spread your arms out to your sides, like a plane. Your wingspan is a timeline. Your left fingertip represents the time of the first single-celled life on earth. And your right fingertip is right this minute. Between the two is 3.7 billion years of time, the history of life on earth.

From your left fingertip, all the way up your arm, past your left shoulder, across your chest, and past your right shoulder, life on earth is nothing but bacteria. By the time you reach your right wrist, the most impressive form of life on earth, the king of beasts, is the worm. In the middle of your right palm you finally get your dinosaurs, and they're extinct by your last finger joint.

Run your eyes along that history again so far. All that history, all that life, and still no appearance by the Main Attraction, the species for whom everything is supposedly made - humankind.

So when do humans finally show up at the party? Well it's more than fashionably late. Homo sapiens fits in one fingernail clipping. ~ Dale McGowan

Did that work?" I ask into the quiet night. "Um, yeah. Couldn't you tell?"
I shake my head. "That's not what I meant. I meant, did I show you love?"
"Yes. You and me, this is what love is."
We learned it together. ~ Lauren Blakely

This was not Newt's fault; in his younger days he would go every couple of months to the barber's shop on the corner, clutching a photograph he's carefully torn from a magazine which showed someone with an impressively cool haircut grinning at the camera and he would show the picture to the barber, and ask to be made to look like that, please. And the barber, who knew his job, would take one look and then give Newt the basic, all-purpose, short-back-and-sides. After a year of this, Newt realized that he obviously didn't have the face for haircuts. The best Newton Pulsifer could hope for after a haircut was shorter hair. ~ Neil Gaiman

I am running the show. Everyone is waiting for me. I decide. I know this now. ~ Gayle Forman

My goal is not to create a circumstance in which no one fails, but one in which many will succeed. ~ Jerry Moran