Groucho And Phyllis Diller Quotes

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. ~ Phyllis Diller

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop ... and that was for the estimate. ~ Phyllis Diller

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, 'Take off your clothes'? ~ Phyllis Diller

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction. ~ Phyllis Diller

I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death. ~ Phyllis Diller

Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks. ~ Phyllis Diller

When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office. ~ Phyllis Diller

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day. ~ Phyllis Diller

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life. ~ Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller came through a mine field of male comedians when she arrived on the comedy scene and she defused them all. She won her place in the Hall of Comedy as the First Lady. I will miss her. ~ Tim Conway

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. ~ Phyllis Diller

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards. ~ Phyllis Diller

Growing up, my two favorite books were Woody Allen's 'Side Effects' and Phyllis Diller's 'Housekeeping Hints.' I carried that Phyllis Diller book with me everywhere when I was in fifth or sixth grade. Eventually, it just fell apart. ~ Jill Davis

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles. ~ Phyllis Diller

Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion, and I can't buy any of it. ~ Phyllis Diller

The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids ... and when you're away from them, who needs it?. ~ Phyllis Diller

Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss. ~ Phyllis Diller

A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it. ~ Phyllis Diller

Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed. ~ Phyllis Diller

There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money. ~ Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. ~ Phyllis Diller

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped. ~ Phyllis Diller

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!' ~ Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off. ~ Phyllis Diller

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him. ~ Phyllis Diller

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night ... and reduce the crime rate. ~ Phyllis Diller

The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours. We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in OUR image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE. ~ Phyllis Diller

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on. ~ Phyllis Diller

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes. ~ Phyllis Diller

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. ~ Phyllis Diller

I had never before been a special fan of that great comedian Phyllis Diller, but she utterly won my heart this week by sending me an envelope that, when opened, contained a torn-off square of brown-bag paper of the kind suitable for latrine duty in an ill-run correctional facility. Duly unfurled, it carried a handwritten salutation reading as follows:
Money's scarce
Times are hard
Here's your f******
Xmas card
I could not possibly improve on the sentiment, but I don't think it ought to depend on the current austerities. Isn't Christmas a moral and aesthetic nightmare whether or not the days are prosperous? ~ Christopher Hitchens

It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months. ~ Phyllis Diller

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo. ~ Phyllis Diller

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle ~ Phyllis Diller