Phyllis Diller Quotes

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition. ~ Phyllis Diller

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night ... and reduce the crime rate. ~ Phyllis Diller

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in. ~ Phyllis Diller

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. ~ Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor. ~ Phyllis Diller

Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped. ~ Phyllis Diller

You want to look younger ... rent smaller children. ~ Phyllis Diller

Phyllis Diller came through a mine field of male comedians when she arrived on the comedy scene and she defused them all. She won her place in the Hall of Comedy as the First Lady. I will miss her. ~ Tim Conway

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. ~ Phyllis Diller

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag. ~ Phyllis Diller

I don't know how you feel about old age ... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear. ~ Phyllis Diller

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. ~ Phyllis Diller

Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war. ~ Phyllis Diller

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him. ~ Phyllis Diller

My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life. ~ Phyllis Diller

Would you believe that I once entered a beauty contest? I must have been out of my mind. I not only came in last, I got 361 get-well cards. ~ Phyllis Diller

A smile is a curve that sets things right. ~ Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day. ~ Phyllis Diller

I've been pitching a show of five female stand-up comedians through the generations, from Phyllis Diller to Amy Schumer, so when I got an e-mail asking me if I would participate in the Women in Comedy Festival, I was thrilled. ~ Wendy Liebman

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to. ~ Phyllis Diller

Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway. ~ Phyllis Diller

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. ~ Phyllis Diller

My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes. ~ Phyllis Diller

Growing up, my two favorite books were Woody Allen's 'Side Effects' and Phyllis Diller's 'Housekeeping Hints.' I carried that Phyllis Diller book with me everywhere when I was in fifth or sixth grade. Eventually, it just fell apart. ~ Jill Davis

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy. ~ Phyllis Diller

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in. ~ Phyllis Diller

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows. ~ Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all. ~ Phyllis Diller

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking. ~ Phyllis Diller

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned. ~ Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. ~ Phyllis Diller

I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one. ~ Phyllis Diller

Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid! ~ Phyllis Diller

How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher. ~ Phyllis Diller

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you. ~ Phyllis Diller

Comedy is tragedy revisited. ~ Phyllis Diller

On the way to the delivery room, I almost changed my mind about having a baby. I wouldn't have found it so hard to go ahead with it if I had realized that having a baby was the only way I could ever become a grandmother. ~ Phyllis Diller

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door. ~ Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. ~ Phyllis Diller

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo. ~ Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' ~ Phyllis Diller

Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink. ~ Phyllis Diller

When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests. ~ Phyllis Diller

I had never before been a special fan of that great comedian Phyllis Diller, but she utterly won my heart this week by sending me an envelope that, when opened, contained a torn-off square of brown-bag paper of the kind suitable for latrine duty in an ill-run correctional facility. Duly unfurled, it carried a handwritten salutation reading as follows:
Money's scarce
Times are hard
Here's your f******
Xmas card
I could not possibly improve on the sentiment, but I don't think it ought to depend on the current austerities. Isn't Christmas a moral and aesthetic nightmare whether or not the days are prosperous? ~ Christopher Hitchens

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality. ~ Phyllis Diller

I was always a fan of the old-style comics. I loved vaudeville. I loved Milton Berle, Dick Shawn, Phyllis Diller, Don Rickles, Charlie Callas, all those guys. Hilarious. I love the Bing Crosby and Bob Hope movies, and Abbott & Costello. My television influences were 'Monty Python's Flying Circus,' 'Benny Hill,' and 'Hee Haw.' ~ Larry The Cable Guy

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit. ~ Phyllis Diller

Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice. ~ Phyllis Diller

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do. ~ Phyllis Diller

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet. ~ Phyllis Diller

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone. ~ Phyllis Diller

I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it. ~ Phyllis Diller

I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio. ~ Phyllis Diller

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight. ~ Phyllis Diller

Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth. ~ Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me. ~ Phyllis Diller

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers. ~ Phyllis Diller

A friend told me the longer you keep Romano cheese, the better it gets. So, I kept it three years. And this thing turned mean. Now and then I'd open the refrigerator door and throw it some food. I'd have to walk it now and then. And then it grew this one leg. And it's got this ugly fuzz all over it. And the dogs won't run with it. ~ Phyllis Diller

My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows. ~ Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. ~ Phyllis Diller

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him. ~ Phyllis Diller

Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight. ~ Phyllis Diller

We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it. ~ Phyllis Diller

A terrible thing happened to me last night again - nothing. ~ Phyllis Diller

In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane. ~ Phyllis Diller

Self-pity is better than none. ~ Phyllis Diller

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour. ~ Phyllis Diller

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water. ~ Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. ~ Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. ~ Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. ~ Phyllis Diller

Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards. ~ Phyllis Diller

I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight. ~ Phyllis Diller

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear. ~ Phyllis Diller

E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, You look weird. Never got a dinner! ~ Red Buttons

Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance? ~ Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto. ~ Phyllis Diller

The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience. ~ Phyllis Diller

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him. ~ Phyllis Diller

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. ~ Phyllis Diller

My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his. ~ Phyllis Diller

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors! ~ Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance. ~ Phyllis Diller

If they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year. ~ Phyllis Diller

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction. ~ Phyllis Diller

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop ... and that was for the estimate. ~ Phyllis Diller

Becoming a comedienne was my way of adjusting to puberty. ~ Phyllis Diller

If I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular. ~ Phyllis Diller

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls. ~ Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. ~ Phyllis Diller

Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss. ~ Phyllis Diller

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling. ~ Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. ~ Phyllis Diller

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day. ~ Phyllis Diller

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles. ~ Phyllis Diller

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. ~ Phyllis Diller

All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like. ~ Phyllis Diller

The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation. ~ Phyllis Diller

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core. ~ Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12. ~ Phyllis Diller