Funny Line Quotes

I really don't know what makes a comedian. I think it's a family background and environment. Yet if you put the same ingredients in another person, he may never utter a funny line. ~ Bob Newhart

If you try to deliver a funny line in a funny way, it comes out as wacky and you ruin the scene. ~ Bill Burr

A funny line can never exist on its own. It needs to be surrounded by mood and circumstances. ~ Lorrie Moore

The brilliant escape, the funny line to cap it, despite the lack of timing. And the girl was still dead. The last act had not materialised. The world, and himself, remained so far from what they should be: so imperfect. ~ Paul Cornell

It's a funny line when you're walking - the creativity, the subjectivity versus the objectivity, creativity versus the business, and recognizing that you are in the music business, so there are certain things that you have to acquiesce to on the business side and certain creative decisions that you have to make for the purposes of serving the business side of it. ~ Lupe Fiasco

What reaches an audience is honesty. If you're saying something truthful that's supposed to be a funny line, it's going to be funny. And if it's supposed to be a serious line, it's going to be serious. But, I don't think there's a distinction between how you play drama or comedy, if it's based in the truth. ~ Barbra Streisand

He wondered what you had to do to lose your driver's license in Italy. ~ Robert Hellenga

Poor Craw?" Ben retorted. "Poor Rory! Craw and Ari curse worse than a trucker shagging a sailor. ~ Amy Lane

I love to do comedy, and I don't think of things as drama or comedy. I think that if it's a funny line, it's a funny line. If it's a funny moment, it's a funny moment. ~ Kathy Baker

He looked at her. That was the first time I had seen him give her a direct and explicit look, and, since she was just off the line from him to me, I had a good view of it. It demolished one detail of his exposition - the claim that a man of his training and temperament couldn't possibly commit a murder. His look at her was perfect for a guy about to put a cord around a neck and pull tight. It was just one swift, ugly flash, and then he returned to Wolfe. ~ Rex Stout

Funny how when your secret keeper is gone, all those dreams and conversations vanish, too. ~ Erin Stewart

If you think is was an accident, applaud. ~ Geraldo Rivera

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share. ~ George Carlin

You've got the fountain of youth hidden in your pants."
"What the fuck does that even mean?" Hook demanded, then held up a hand. "Never mind, I don't want to know."
"Means fucking keeps you young. ~ S.E. Jakes

I swear, sometimes I am convinced my life is just a series of sketches for America's Funniest Home Videos, minus all that pants-dropping business. Except my life really isn't all that funny if you think about it. ~ Meg Cabot

To me, there is no greater threat than our debt. I'm the only fiscal conservative on the stage because I'm willing to hold the line on all spending. ~ Rand Paul

You can't throw away years of your life because it makes a funny anecdote. ~ David Nicholls

I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well, I guess I, uh ... I guess I said something, and, uh ... and then she got her feelings hurt." That's a weird way to phrase it: "She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then she ... " Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? "She got her feelings hurt." It's like saying, "Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don't know what happened. He leaned into it." ~ Louis C.K.

In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.' ~ Eugene Mirman

The only thing that makes me cry at weddings is the DJ's playlist. ~ Natasha Leggero

Marriage, it seemed to me, walled my favorite fictional women off from the worlds in which they had once run free, or, if not free, then at least forward, with currents of narrative possibility at their backs. It was often at just the moment that their educations were complete and their childhood ambitions coming into focus that these troublesome, funny girls were suddenly contained, subsumed, and reduced by domesticity. ~ Rebecca Traister

I don't think half my stuff would be funny if the audience didn't feel at least a little bit safe that it's not how I truly feel. ~ Sarah Silverman

Darling Daddy,
This is Rose.
Very good news. Caddy is going to marry Micheal. In case you have forgotten because you have not been home for so long he is the one with the ponytail and the earring that you do not like. And Caddy says she will have a white lace dress and three bridesmaids, Saffron and Sarah and me, and a big party for everyone, all her old boyfriends too. Fireworks. A band. A big tent called a marquee. But where will we put it? Carriages with white horses for us all to go to the church. Afterward Caddy and Micheal will go for a holiday to Australia to visit the Great Barrier Reef. Caddy has it all worked out and Mummy says Yes She Can Of Course You Can Darling Of Course You Must Do That. Saffron said That Will Cost a Few Weeks Housekeeping and Mummy said Yes But We Do Not Need to Worry About That. DADDY WILL PAY.
Love, Rose. ~ Hilary McKay

He settled his hand at my jaw, his thumb tracing the line of my lower lip. "Of course, I do, precious." His tone was uneven but sincere. "You're my everything. I love you. I love you so much. ~ Laurelin Paige

The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad,
For all their wars are merry, and all their songs are sad. ~ G.K. Chesterton

Each gig should be unique. You're always treading that line between keeping yourself fresh and giving people something they want to hear. ~ Brian May

He was all over me like brown rice! ~ L'Poni Baldwin

I started running for reasons I had only just begun to understand. As a child, I ran in the woods and around my house for fun. As a teen, I ran to get my body in better shape. Later, I ran to find peace. I ran, and kept running, because I had learned that once you started something you didn't quit, because in life, much like in an ultramarathon, you have to keep pressing forward. Eventually I ran because I turned into a runner, and my sport brought me physical pleasure and spirited me away from debt and disease, from the niggling worries of everyday existence. I ran because I grew to love other runners. I ran because I loved challenges and because there is no better feeling than arriving at the finish line or completing a difficult training run. And because, as an accomplished runner, I could tell others how rewarding it was to live healthily, to move my body every day, to get through difficulties, to eat with consciousness, that what mattered wasn't how much money you made or where you lived, it was how you lived. I ran because overcoming the difficulties of an ultramarathon reminded me that I could overcome the difficulties of life, that overcoming difficulties was life. ~ Scott Jurek

it's funny - say no and you'll stay in the same place. say yes and who knows where you'll end up. ~ Heather Cochran

There are some remarkable parallels between basketball and politics. Michael Jordan has already mastered the skill most needed for political success: how to stay aloft without visible means of support. ~ Margaret Thatcher

Shit," Seth grunts. "Maybe he does have a magic dick."
Jackson snickers, but I don't find it funny at all. Not in the slightest.
"He doesn't have a magic dick." I spit. "You two are just being immature. ~ Skyla Madi

Alice smiled her wide smile. The crooked incisor smile. ~ Jennifer Mathieu

Yer a wizard, Harry! ~ J.K. Rowling

No one wants to get their ass beat to a soundtrack. ~ Dave Chappelle

If Rose's streak was still intact, with that single to left, the fans would be throwing babies out of the upper deck. ~ Jerry Coleman

A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Sometimes I feel like a vampire ~ Jennifer Lawrence

The most insidious of our country, the greediest and highest rung of our socioeconomic ladder, line their pockets with misappropriated funds as military personnel and hordes of civilians are maimed or killed. It's not their children out there, blinded by manufactured patriotism or lured into the service with the promise of economic stability, all with the sanctimonious blessings of misguided public consent by way of corporate, state-sponsored media. It won't be their children who are terrorized by Wahabbist insurgents tearing through city blocks and rural areas as only an ever-devouring plague could. It won't be any of their loved ones watching thousands of years of civilization unraveling like an old sweater as each thread of wool is lit on fire or stolen to sell on the black market for greedy consumers with a fetish for hijacked Mesopotamian artifacts. ~ M.B. Dallocchio

But that would mean it was originally a sideways number eight. That makes no sense at all. Unless..." She paused as understanding dawned. "You think it was the symbol for infinity?"
"Yes, but not the usual one. A special variant. Do you see how one line doesn't fully connect in the middle? That's Euler's infinity symbol. Absolutus infinitus."
"How is it different from the usual one?"
"Back in the eighteenth century, there were certain mathematical calculations no one could perform because they involved series of infinite numbers. The problem with infinity, of course, is that you can't come up with a final answer when the numbers keep increasing forever. But a mathematician named Leonhard Euler found a way to treat infinity as if it were a finite number- and that allowed him to do things in mathematical analysis that had never been done before." Tom inclined his head toward the date stone. "My guess is whoever chiseled that symbol was a mathematician or scientist."
"If it were my date stone," Cassandra said dryly, "I'd prefer the entwined hearts. At least I would understand what it means."
"No, this is much better than hearts," Tom exclaimed, his expression more earnest than any she'd seen from him before. "Linking their names with Euler's infinity symbol means..." He paused, considering how best to explain it. "The two of them formed a complete unit... a togetherness... that contained infinity. Their marriage had a beginning and end, but every day of ~ Lisa Kleypas

In Mary-Lynette's mind he did look like a knight off on a quest for his fair lady – no weapons or armour. But then Ash started walking backwards, waving at the same time and it ruined the effect.
"Even when we're apart we'll be looking at the same sky!" he cried.
"What a line!" Mary-Lynette yelled back. ~ L.J. Smith

Yes, I have been a victim of a sexual assault. Well, probably several really. Funny how we were conditioned to accept these situations as unpleasant instead of outrageous. ~ Megan Goldin

Eventually I booked a 2-line role on a show called 'JAG' and slowly the parts got bigger and better. I'm very thankful that I had to appreciate how difficult the business is before I had any kind of success. ~ Samuel Witwer

You're back," Sam said, as if he couldn't quite believe it.
She lifted her chin, stuffing her hands in her pockets. "Obviously."
He tilted his head slightly to the side. "How was the desert?"
There wasn't a scratch on him. Of course, her face had healed too but ... "Hot," she said. Sam let out a breathy chuckle. ~ Sarah J. Maas

Kids enjoy laughing and are seldom bored when they find something funny. They also ask questions, often to adults, because they understand that the more words they can comprehend about a funny story or a joke, the more they'll enjoy it. ~ Brian P. Cleary

I'm rarely rude except accidentally, and that doesn't really count... ~ Laura L. Sullivan

It's a conflict of interest and we both know it. I'm putting your ass on the line with this." "Sorry to disagree, sir, but I'm in charge of my own ass. It's only on the line if I put it there." "So noted and appreciated. ~ J.D. Robb