David Wong Quotes

And no one cares. You kick and scream and cry out into the darkness,
and no answer comes. You rage against the unfathomable injustice and two
blocks away some guy watches a baseball game and scratches his balls. ~ David Wong

He gave me a look that would have made cancer apologize, then ran like hell. ~ David Wong

Tried to escape, to block out the fact that I was being eaten alive by arachnids. For some reason the only thing I could replace it with was the image of being eaten by tiny clowns. ~ David Wong

There was a faded brown stain on the carpet and I wondered if a patient had once taken a shit in here in the middle of a session. I ~ David Wong

Velvet Jesus faced a shadow man to my left. Laser beams fired from his eyes. ~ David Wong

I reached for the knob. At the same moment it began to melt and transform, turning pink and finally taking the shape of a flaccid penis. It flopped softly against the door, like a man was cramming it through the knob hole from the other side.
I turned back to John and said, 'That door cannot be opened. ~ David Wong

John, let me make one thing clear," Jim said, cutting me off in his most stern, evangelical voice. "Every man is blessed with his gifts from the Lord. One of mine happens to be a penis large enough that, if it had a penis of its own, my penis' penis would be larger than your penis." ...
... "Fuck all of you," John retorted. "You don't even exist. We're all just a figment of my cock's imagination. ~ David Wong

They had puddled in the floorboards and they poured out onto the pavement like the jackpot from the Devil's slot machine, the bugs raining down with a sound like frying bacon. ~ David Wong

You want to walk into that funeral and have every dude in that room whip their head around and say, 'God-damn them is some fine-ass titties. I got to find me a divorce lawyer in the next five minutes. ~ David Wong

Do they know they make the honey for you? Or do they work tirelessly because they think its their own choice? ~ David Wong

You know if you walked around the world, your hat would travel thirty-one feet farther than your shoes? ~ David Wong

Here's where things get hazy. John claims that the men hauling him away from the scene were escorted by other men carrying submachine guns, though when pressed, he admitted that they may have been flashlights. Either way, John says the men threw him down and intended to execute him, at which point he kicked one of the men in the face and backflipped to his feet. He then wrestled away the man's gun and "dick-whipped" him with it. I am unclear as to whether or not this means he struck the man in the groin or merely slapped him in the same manner in which he would slap a person with his dick. I never ask John to clarify such things. Anyway, he said he swung again and slammed another man's skull with the gun, so hard it "made the batteries fly out. ~ David Wong

You have to talk through the bratwurst from now on. ~ David Wong

I want no part of this nonsense. This whole city is a butt that farts horror. ~ David Wong

Something coming back from the dead was almost always bad news. Movies taught me that. For every one Jesus you get a million zombies. ~ David Wong

Tip: if you ever feel a puke coming on, do not, do not put your hand over your mouth to try to catch it. It's reflex but it doesn't work at all. Vomit kind of sprays everywhere. ~ David Wong

John's coffee, which tasted like battery acid someone had pissed in then cursed at for several hours. ~ David Wong

What do normal people do when they're together? ~ David Wong

SOCIETY IS DOOMED for one very simple reason: it takes dozens of men working months with millions of dollars in materials to build a building, but only one dumb-ass with a bomb to bring it down. ~ David Wong

You want to hear a story? Well, buckle the fuck up."
From: What the Hell Did I Just Read ~ David Wong

That's what it's like being poor - choices are something you sit around and dream about having, some day after you strike it rich. ~ David Wong

Welcome to Undisclosed. Dreams
Interpreted for Beer. ~ David Wong

I shoved the monster into the water, held it under, screamed "Die!" or something to that effect. After a few seconds it stopped moving and black sauce oozed out of it like an oil slick. Dr. Marconi got close enough so I could finally hear him. He said, "They're trying to get into the water! Don't let them! ~ David Wong

I tried to be as inconspicuous as possible as I lay the sausage against my ear. Abruptly, my cell phone went dead. A drop of grease dribbled into the dead center of my ear, creeping like a worm down onto my neck and below the collar of my shirt. A group of men and women in business suits walked by, swerving to avoid me. Across the street, a homeless-looking guy was staring at me, curious. Yep, this was pretty much rock bottom. As I was about to reach for a napkin and at least get my money's worth by eating the bratwurst while still hot, I heard it. Dave? Can you hear me? ~ David Wong

No, I don't, like, play an instrument or anything.I'm just ... well, you saw me at the beginning there. I was the guy that fell down and died. ~ David Wong

She wasn't some little princess from the suburbs who just graduated college with a humanities degree, she knew what people were really like. ~ David Wong

My shame circuits burned out from overuse years ago. ~ David Wong

That's what life is. Adjustment. ~ David Wong

You're the kind of man a man wants when a man wants a man. ~ David Wong

The most powerful impression a person can make is that they don't care if they make an impression. ~ David Wong

A realization washed over her in that cold, dark space: this was how virtually all living things born on earth have died - with teeth tearing through their muscle and bones. We humans have computers and soap and houses but it doesn't change the fact that everything that walks is nothing but food for something else. ~ David Wong

the jet stream undulating over us like an angry snake god. ~ David Wong

You don't realize how terrifying the world can be for someone like that, someone who would rather stay in a familiar hole than an unfamiliar mansion. ~ David Wong

Tyler reacted to this for some reason, looking at John with a "when are people gonna learn" look, and then he spat on the ground. Tobacco spitting is a kind of nonverbal communication in many parts of the Midwest. He must have spilled his coffee a lot as a kid because he had one of those big spill-proof mugs, the kind that flare way out at the bottom. It looked like he was speaking into a megaphone every time he took a drink. I ~ David Wong

Anyway, it's two in the morning and we're taking turns pissing off of the tower (rather than going at the same time, because we weren't raised by wolves). ~ David Wong

I was about to warn the girl about John's coffee, which tasted like a cup of battery acid someone had pissed in and then cursed at for several hours, but John turned to her and in a lawyerly voice said, Shelly, tell us your story. ~ David Wong

Feast or famine. My plate is suddenly full. ~ David Wong Louie

seriously, listen up because this is important and this is where we'll leave it. Your boy, my guess is he never stopped thinkin' you were beautiful. The only thing that changed was he started worrying that other people didn't think you were. So now he's gonna spend his life with a gorgeous, boring woman who'll make him miserable, all so that he can wear her on his arm to parties, thinkin' that'll show other people how great he is. He'll pick the career and car and mansion that he thinks other people expect him to have, put all his energy into building up that front. Then one day he'll find out his life is all wrapping paper and no gift. ~ David Wong

Snap. Ka-chunk. That's how I spell the sound of a doorknob turning. ~ David Wong

Cops do this every day, rifling closets and digging through your dildo drawer. ~ David Wong

Whoops,' said John. 'I tossed our ball into another universe.'
'You wanna go home?'
'Yeah, just let me get my ball. ~ David Wong

And - holy shit was this song bad. It was like the singer was stabbing my ear with a dagger made of dried turds. ~ David Wong

What humans want most of all, is to be right. Even if we're being right about our own doom. If we believe there are monsters around the next corner ready to tear us apart, we would literally prefer to be right about the monsters, than to be shown to be wrong in the eyes of others and made to look foolish. ~ David Wong

After you told me the part about Las Vegas, you know how I said it was the stupidest story I had ever heard?"
"You didn't say that."
"Well, I was thinkin' it. But I've decided I owe that Las Vegas story an apology because this last thing made that one look like The Grapes of Wrath. ~ David Wong

Solving the following riddle will reveal the awful secret behind the universe, assuming you do not go utterly mad in the attempt. If you already happen to know the awful secret behind the universe, feel free to skip ahead. ~ David Wong

Most of the rest of the crowd was lined up in front of food carts selling kebabs, pizza cupcakes, and ice cream churros. ~ David Wong

After being raised as an evangelical Christian, I for years assumed that Christianity was the default - there were Christians, and then there were weirdos. I was shocked when, in college, I found that some people get offended when you tell them, for instance, that their recovery from surgery was a 'miracle.' ~ David Wong

But in those first hours after you take it, your brain is tuned in like nothing you can imagine. Eyes like the Hubble telescope, sensing light that's not even on the spectrum. You might be able to read minds, make time stop, cook pasta that's exactly right every time. ~ David Wong

CHAPTER 11 By the way . . . Looking back, if I had gone in and seen what was in the toolshed, I would have put a bullet in my own skull one minute later. ~ David Wong

Crotch-punchingly real! ~ David Wong

Okay, can somebody quickly just summarize for the shotgun department who it's okay and not okay to shoot? ~ David Wong

My feet had never been so bare. Those little naked toes.That spider thing probably looks at those like the ears on a chocolate bunny. ~ David Wong

Keep driving," said a soft voice in my ear. "She will not bite if you keep driving."
Fuck that. Fuck that idea like the fucking Captain of the Thai Fuck Team fucking at the fucking Tour de Fuck. ~ David Wong

I'm scared David"
"That's good, because there's lots to be afraid of ~ David Wong

I turned, ran, fired the shotgun into the air and shouted, "Bomb! There's a bomb in the fountain! Everybody run for your lives! Please don't not panic! ~ David Wong

She burst into snakes. ~ David Wong

And then the Jamaican guy pulls out the sauce. "It be opening doors to other worlds, mon," he days. We made him do it first, saw that he didn't die. It seemed to make him pretty happy and then - Dave, the guy, I know I didn't really see this, but the guy shrunk himself, made himself three feet tall. We all laughed our asses off, then he was back to normal again.'
And you still tried that shit?'
Are you kidding? How could I not? ~ David Wong

I know the Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider can't fly because if it could, it would have a different name entirely. We would call it "sir" because it would be the dominant species on the planet. None of us would leave the house unless a Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider said it was okay ~ David Wong

Damn it! I knew she was a monster! John! Amy! Listen! Guard your buttholes. ~ David Wong

We rode in silence, I think all of us wondering what was behind the flowery wallpaper our perceptions had always pasted on the unknown. All the things the mind won't allow us to see, to protect our sanity, or our soul, or maybe just to keep the shit out of our pants. ~ David Wong

John trotted up, carrying his satchel. "Yes. Wexler's gone. We need your car."
"What? Why?"
John circled around to the passenger-side door and said, "Car chase. ~ David Wong

We're talking about a tentacled flying lamp fucker, Dave. What are you prepared to call unlikely? ~ David Wong

Well," I said. "Nothing to do right now but wander the fuck into that abandoned building, totally unarmed. ~ David Wong

Hollywood raised us. Your mind processes the world through a filter formed by comic books and action movies on Cinemax. That's why kids put on trench coats and take guns to school. The Devil knows how to control us. ~ David Wong

I glanced at Badly Drawn Jesus, then pulled the gun from my pocket. On Judgment Day, I'd be able to proudly state that when I thought the hordes of Hell were coming for a local girl, I stood ready to shoot at them with a small-caliber pistol. ~ David Wong

From day one it was like society was this violent, complicated dance and everybody had taken lessons but me. Knocked to the floor again, climbing to my feet each time, bloody and humiliated. Always met with disapproving faces, waiting for me to leave so I'd stop fucking up the party.
The wanted to push me outside, where the freaks huddled in the cold. Out there with the misfits, the broken, the glazed-eye types who can only watch as the normals enjoy their shiny new cars and careers and marriages and vacations with the kids.
The freaks spend their lives shambling around, wondering how they got left out, mumbling about conspiracy theories and bigfoot sightings. Their encounters with the world are marked by awkward conversations and stifled laughter, hidden smirks and rolled eyes. And worst of all, pity. ~ David Wong

Cynicism does not cause inaction.. ~ David Wong

Got it. Look, the way I see it, two people walk in the restaurant, a Methodist and an atheist. The Methodist says, I'm not going to tip because I just came from church and I've already done my good deed for the day. The atheist says, I'm not tipping because life is meaningless and we're all just animals. To me, they're both members of the same religion, because they're doing the same thing. Whatever little story they tell themselves to justify it is irrelevant. It goes the other way, too - if a Muslim and a Scientologist come in and both leave a tip, they're on the same team. It doesn't matter to me if one did it because of Allah and the other was obeying the ghost of Tom Cruise, what matters is it resulted in doing the right thing. ~ David Wong

One more victim sucked in by John. You get into the room with him and you just fall into a warm pool of beer and video games and penis jokes, staring at the universe with him and saying, Do you believe this shit? ~ David Wong

A clean conscience is expensive, it's the reason most men have to live paycheck to paycheck. ~ David Wong

Alcohol was the reason we formed complex civilizations, and having to deal with the complexities of civilization is the reason most of us need alcohol. ~ David Wong

Anyhow, Molly died, in the way that all really good things die, fast and brutal and for no apparent reason. ~ David Wong

The guy next to him looked like he had covered his body in glue and rolled through a knife store. At the bottom of the feed was a logo that said LEAGUE OF BADASS. ~ David Wong

And don't put a bunch of bullshit in my mouth, or get cute and try to make me look stupid. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the salon to have my pubic hair straightened and dyed white so that my dick looks like Santa Claus." He closed the door, farting loudly all the way to his car. I went ~ David Wong

John's old Caddie had a huge engine that would qualify as a human rights violation if built today. It roared down the road, chugging gas and farting a blue cloud of dinosaur souls. ~ David Wong

But remember, there are two ways to dehumanize someone: by dismissing them, and by idolizing them. ~ David Wong

It was a sunrise, a kid's sight of snowfall on a school morning. Hope. That all this can turn out okay, that somehow a tide this big and black can be turned back. Hope like a wildfire, thoughts of presents under a Christmas tree and a smell of cookies coming from a kitchen and a certain look in a girl's eyes that lights you up inside. That beautiful border between nightmare and morning when you realize that all of the monsters menacing you have evaporated like smoke, leaving behind only the warm blanket and the pale sunlight of a Saturday dawn. ~ David Wong

What's up. This is Dave, the one you saw in your hallway. He's not a psychotic killer or anything," he lied ~ David Wong

The horizon was shitting a sun, casting a glow on a layer of fog that was settling in the low areas like puddles of ghost piss. ~ David Wong

I had gotten hungry for bratwurst and had been walking toward the entrance of one of the four McDonald's franchises in Undisclosed (if you think it's weird getting a bratwurst from a McDonald's, then you're not from the Midwest). I glanced at the cartoon clown logo in the window and let out a scream.
Just a little scream, and a manly one. But I still frightened one little girl on the sidewalk so badly that she screamed, too. ~ David Wong

Some would have doubted their sanity at this point, but by now the part of my mind that issued doubts about my sanity had melted from overuse. ~ David Wong

I AM KORROK. In the mountains of Uruguay, a goat gets its hoof caught in a posthole and the bone snaps like a twig. The splinter juts from its skin, blood spraying onto white fur. It is stuck like that for three days. Finally, a wolf mother comes along, carrying her pup in her jaws. She lets the pup feed off the goat, gnawing bits of fur and skin and tearing at muscle. The goat feels it and screams and there is pain and pain and neither the goat nor the wolf nor the pup understand their place in the machine. I stand above all, and call them fags. I AM KORROK. ~ David Wong

Arnie sighed and for a quick moment looked genuinely sympathetic that someone could dream up something this elaborately sad. ~ David Wong

Light-headed, my body trembling from shoes to shoulders in random spells, like I swallowed a vibrator. It's always like this when I'm on the sauce. I dosed six hours ago. ~ David Wong

I cursed and rubbed my forehead. The radio sang its bigotry in perfect '80s pop harmony. Let's send 'em aaallllllll ba-ack to Aaaaafrica . . . I reached down to the knob, to find the radio was already off. Here we fucking go. ~ David Wong

A cockroach has no soul. Yet it runs and eats and shits and fucks and breeds. It has no soul, yet it lives a full life. Just like you. ~ David Wong

We fixed him just by telling him that he wasn't crazy, that the horrors he was seeing were real. He seemed oddly comforted by that. He was a lawyer. ~ David Wong

No matter where you go, management is always a bunch of cheap bastards. ~ David Wong

Antidepressants. The thought of this girl actually being depressed made me want to grab the whole planet and throw it into the sun. Well, more than usual anyway. ~ David Wong

PEOPLE DIE.
This is the fact the world desperately hides from us from birth. Long after you find out the truth about sex and Santa Claus, this other myth endures, this one about how you'll always get rescued at the last second and if not, your death will at least mean something and there'll be somebody there to hold your hand and cry over you. All of society is built to prop up that lie, the whole world a big, noisy puppet show meant to distract us from the fact that at the end, you'll die, and you'll probably be alone. ~ David Wong

Well, you'd better hope I am because the world was built by sociopaths, men willing to send a million innocent boys into battle to be chopped to screaming giblets, all so a banner can be raised over another piece of land with houses and markets and roads soon after. ~ David Wong

There are two types of people on planet Earth, Batman and Iron Man. Batman has a secret identity, right? So Bruce Wayne has to walk around every second of every day knowing that if somebody finds out his secret, his family is dead, his friends are dead, everyone he loves gets tortured to death by costumed supervillains. And he has to live with the weight of that secret every day. But not Tony Stark, he's open about who he is. He tells the world he's Iron Man, he doesn't give a shit. He doesn't have that shadow hanging over him, he doesn't have to spend energy building up those walls of lies around himself. You're one or the other - either you're one of those people who has to hide your real self because it would ruin you if it came out, because of your secret fetishes or addictions or crimes, or you're not one of those people. And the two groups aren't even living in the same universe. ~ David Wong

A ghost sighting is usually nothing more than your brain trying to put a familiar face on something that does not have a face at all. ~ David Wong

He made the engine growl and told the headlights to fuck the night. ~ David Wong

Shitload said, "His name is Korrok the Slavemaster from the eighth plane, also known in some realms as Baa'aaa'aaa'aab and in others as the Lord Zanthk All-Bzzki'l Shadd'uuul'l L'luuu'ddahs L'ikzzb-lla Khtnaz. ~ David Wong

I said to John, "You know that if you walked around the world, your hat would travel thirty-one feet farther than your shoes?" John said, "I dunno, Dave, but before we make a bomb I have to shave half the dog." I nodded. He got up, called to Molly and herded her into my bathroom. I wondered when the soy sauce would take effect. ~ David Wong

Thus, one of the awful things I can admit about myself is that the two years I spent with Jennifer live in my mind mostly as a series of frantic, breathy memories. Clawing hands tugging off clothes, heartbeat thumping in my ears, fingernails digging down my back. salty tastes lingering in my mouth. It's biology. It's hormones. As time passes I can recall fewer and fewer of our conversations and I couldn't give you the details of our five most-fun dates (though I have a fairly graphic vision of how each of them ended).

If upon hearing this you pump your fist and wink knowingly, you can kiss my ass. She was a good friend to me. She put up with my bullshit and at times not even I can put up with my bullshit. But all that is gone and what is left is a big, black hole where the sex used to be. ~ David Wong

I felt a strange sense of calm and realized what I was feeling was the release of responsibility. Nobody expected me to be at work the next day. Nobody was trying to call me. I had no e-mail to check. Ghost enthusiasts weren't stalking me on Facebook. Our responsibilities were stripped down to the bare biological basics: thirst, hunger, cold. All at once I could see why lifelong convicts got to where they couldn't function outside of prison walls. You're almost functioning more at a level for which the human brain was intended. ~ David Wong

My mind didn't clear. It had been clear before. Instead it muddled, suddenly ablaze with rioting factions of insecurities and dreams, a cacophonous battleground of conflicting moral codes and dogma. I was, therefore, back to normal. ~ David Wong

This is my emergency kit. It contained a roll of duct tape, a spare pair of pants, an envelope with two hundred dollars, two bags of dried fruit, two packages of beef jerky, three bottles of water, a roll of thick shop towels you see mechanics use, a small metal pipe - just right for cracking a skull with - and a fake beard. Look, you never know. ~ David Wong