Combat Humor Quotes

Get fat if you can, boys. Tomorrow's bringin' her sister. ~ Gary Prisk

The best jokes in life, are the lies that have come out of your mouth ~ Cut Melinda

Of course we've been fighting against stereotypes from Day One at East West. That's the reason we formed: to combat that, and to show we are capable of more than just fulfilling the stereotypes - waiter, laundryman, gardener, martial artist, villain. ~ Mako

But you shall not escape my iambics. ~ Catullus

Yeah. Floyd is his batman."
His what?"
Batman, like in the British army, each officer had a batman, a personal servant."
You spend too much time reading, Spenser. You know more stuff that don't make you money than anybody I know. ~ Robert B. Parker

Smartass Disciple: Master, what do say about the truth itself ?
Master of Stupidity: Like sex, no fun anymore if all is revealed. ~ Toba Beta

It's a most peculiar psychology - this business of 'Science is based on faith too, so there!' Typically this is said by people who claim that faith is a good thing. Then why do they say 'Science is based on faith too!' in that angry-triumphal tone, rather than as a compliment? And a rather dangerous compliment to give, one would think, from their perspective. If science is based on 'faith', then science is of the same kind as religion - directly comparable. If science is a religion, it is the religion that heals the sick and reveals the secrets of the stars. It would make sense to say, 'The priests of science can blatantly, publicly, verifiably walk on the Moon as a faith-based miracle, and your priests' faith can't do the same.' Are you sure you wish to go there, oh faithist? Perhaps, on further reflection, you would prefer to retract this whole business of 'Science is a religion too! ~ Eliezer Yudkowsky

Mouse isn't big. He's compactly challenged. ~ Jim Butcher

>>How old were you when you had your first kiss?
>>Twenty. It's pathetic. Guys don't want to kiss fat girls.
>>Not true. There are all those guys on jerry springer, and there's president Clinton...
>>Make that: no one I ever wanted to kiss wanted to kiss a fat girl.
>>I'll bet you never gave anyone a chance. Mitch says you practically beat him away with a stick.
>>I was trying to spare him. ~ Rainbow Rowell

Stanley always followed the rules. All sorts of things could go wrong if you didn't.
So far he'd done 1:Upon Discovery of the Fire, Remain Calm.
Now he'd come to 2: Shout 'Fire!' in a Loud, Clear Voice.
'Fire!' he shouted, and then ticked off 2 with his pencil.
Next was: 3: Endeavour to Extinguish Fire If Possible.
Stanley went to the door and opened it. Flames and smoke billowed in. He stared at them for a moment, shook his head, and shut the door.
Paragraph 4 said: If Trapped by Fire, Endeavour to Escape. Do Not Open Doors If Warm. Do Not Use Stairs If Burning. If No Exit Presents Itself Remain Calm and Await a) Rescue or b) Death. ~ Terry Pratchett

Humor is the most engaging cowardice. ~ Robert Frost

With actors like Steve McQueen, Paul Newman and Harrison Ford, what made them such icons is that even in dramatic movies, their characters had a sense of humor. ~ Patrick Wilson

Vibrizzio? You named it! Okay, this isn't even close to healthy. ~ Nicki Elson

Low states are a like a poison to the psyche. Millions of people throughout the world take tranquillizers each day to combat depression, but this does not tackle its root cause, which is found in the basic state of the internal energies of the psyche.
Basically the energy of the psyche needs to change, from low states to spiritual ones. It requires inner observation, the destruction of the egos, and alchemical transformation. ~ Belsebuub

It's just ... " She scrubbed a hand across her face. "I keep looking for someone to share life with, someone patient. Not afraid of a mop or use the stove. Even-tempered, understanding, not allergic to emotion." She closed her eyes momentarily. "Someone sweet."
Hunter stifled a grimace. She was describing a female with a penis. ~ Shayla Black

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math. ~ Demetri Martin

Either get out of bed or else take your clothes off," he said. "I'm not in the mood to compromise. ~ Janet Evanovich

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. ~ Steven Wright

The greatest single challenge facing our globalised world is to combat and eradicate its disparities. ~ Nelson Mandela

Don't worry, I don't even have a piece of shit. I have to envy yours. ~ Matthew Broderick

A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample. ~ Rebecca West

I may not look like much, but I'm an expert at pretending to be a ninja. ~ Darynda Jones

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it? ~ George Carlin

Do you love him?
There were only a few people in the world who could ask me such insanely personal questions without getting punched. Dimitri was one of them. ~ Richelle Mead

Some man go to their graves, others dig them ~ Rodrigo Mortara Almeida

I didn't notice him coming, but he didn't seem to be looking for an autograph signature ~ George Harrison

As a confirmed melancholic, I can testify that the best and maybe only antidote for melancholia is action. However, like most melancholics, I suffer also from sloth. ~ Edward Abbey

One night when I got in from work a bit late, 'cause it was really nice weather and everyone wants to take the punts out when it's sunny, I found Larry just sitting on the sofa staring at a blank TV screen. At first I thought maybe he'd forgotten to turn it on, but then I thought, no, Larry's not stupid. He'd have noticed. ~ J.L. Merrow

Fortunately the essence of this revelation did not escape Mary despite the angel's obscure speech, and, much surprised, she asked him, So Jesus is my son and the son of the Lord, Woman, what are you saying, show some respect for rank and precedence, what you must say is the son of the Lord and me, Of the Lord and of you, No, of the Lord and of you, You're confusing me, just answer my question, is Jesus our son, You mean to say the Lord's son because you only served to bear the child, So the Lord didn't choose me, Don't be absurd ( ... ) Is there any real proof that it was the Lord's seed which engendered my first-born, Well, it's a delicate matter, and what you're demanding is nothing less than a paternity test which in these mixed unions, no matter how many analyses, tests, and globule counts one carries out, can never give conclusive results. ~ Jose Saramago

You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan. ~ Erma Bombeck

For Sale: Complete set of encylopedias. Never used. Wife knows everything. ~ Paul Zindel

Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder ~ Eoin Colfer

George pulled my hand away and inspected the wound. He frowned. "Sarah, honey, what happened?"
I cleared my throat. "I fell on some barecue prongs. ~ Michelle Rowen

We played for about half an hour before I realized we were actually playing two different games. What I'd thought of as ludo was actually a game called gin rummy, and what Warren was playing seemed to be a mixture of craps and table tennis. Once we started playing by one consistent set of rules, though, the fun was really over. ~ Graham Parke

I had always dreamed of being a professional escort but never thought that there was any real money in it. ~ Chelsea Handler

You'd forgive me for Claire - but not for killing your ... men. He glanced at the two Craddocks, spotty as a pair of raisin puddings and - Grey's look implied - likely no brighter. ~ Diana Gabaldon

But we had to stop 'cause Larry can't throw for shit, and people in other punts were complaining about being hit by strawberries. Even though they was Marks and Spencer's strawberries. ~ J.L. Merrow

One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing. ~ Dylan Moran

Wait, that's your idea? That's your expert advice? You're going to tell these novelists to just keep going? You're going to tell these honest, earnest writers: You gotta have faith? Those are George Michael lyrics, asshole. If they wanted that pep talk, they could just hang out inside a mall elevator. ~ Karen Russell

All children are heartless. They have not grown a heart yet, which is why they can climb tall trees and say shocking things and leap so very high that grown-up hearts flutter in terror. ~ Catherynne M Valente