Dov Davidoff Quotes

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle.

I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.

I've decided to become gay, not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.

How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?

Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.

I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.

Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.

We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.

I'd like to expand the definition of the word 'success' to include 'failure' as the one seems inseparable from the other.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.

Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.

If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.

Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard.

You can't fool the American people - politician trying to fool the American people.

If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.

If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.

Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you.

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.

Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.

There are few places more lonely than a crowded night club.

Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.

If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.

Do you love me for me? ... I don't even love me for me.

Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?

Sleep is over rated, then again so is being awake.

Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.

At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.

Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.

Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn't really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.

I'm pretty sure whoever said, people are wonderful spent very little time with people.

The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.

If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.

Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.

Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away.

Sex sells, unless you're dehydrated in which case you'd be much more likely to purchase water.

Upside of being an attractive woman; if you're remotely intelligent, people will treat you like you're brilliant. Downside: same thing.

Whoever said life without love isn't worth living didn't own an iPhone. These things are great.

Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.

Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.

Another thing rappers, I admire your rebellious spirit, but materialism is a form of mental slavery. Slow down on the jewelry, pick up a book.

Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility?

You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.

Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.

Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.

You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

I'd like you much better if you didn't like yourself so much.

Homemade' sounds much better when not referring to tattoos.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.

Skin heads are doing an awful job of promoting racism. You guys need to loosen up, and for god's sake would it kill you to smile.

All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.

No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.

Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.

Parenthood seems really rewarding ... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.

It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.

I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.

Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.

There must be 15 shows about people's jobs: 'Ice Road Trucker,' 'Axe Men,' 'Dirty Jobs.' Unemployment is so high, we're watching people work.

Anticipation almost always exceeds the reality of that which we anticipated.

The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.

Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.

Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.

America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.

Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.

Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said southern and sassy, it's all good. Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.

You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.

Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.

If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.

Being anti-social can also mean that you're aware of how annoying it is to be social.

The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as not at all attracted to me.

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?

The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.

Maybe necrophiliacs are just people that want to have sex without a lot of talking.

Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.

I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect them to be.

Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.

I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.

You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you.

I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.

Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.

We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.

People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.

Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.

The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.

Domestic abuse is wrong, but domestic retribution is okay.

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.

The human spirit is indomitable, unless your talking specifically about the people I know.

The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.