Zombie Apocalypse Humor Quotes

When one door closes, a window opens and then zombies pile in and bite you in the ass. ~ Unknown

Strive for more. More zombies, more fighting, more profit. ~ Jesse Petersen

In a zombie apocalypse, I expect insane things to happen. ~ Chandler Riggs

I don't really believe there is a zombie apocalypse coming. But I'm terrified that I might be wrong. ~ Brian Malbon

His leg split like a piece of lumber being hit with an awl. ~ Andrew Cormier

She watched as the dancing lights of madness swirled and flickered in his eyes like the fires of hell, and she knew that there would never be anything that could quench those fires except death. Vanessa knew that Jango had become his own Grim Reaper. ~ Cedric Nye

I've been itching to kill a zombie lately. Can I take the lead on this one, dad? ~ Tahnee Fritz

Because we fear a zombie apocalypse? And we hope they're color-blind? ~ Chloe Neill

You got what you deserved. Now be a man and confess to what most of us already know. ~ Stacy Buck

Someone had bashed his head in, perhaps to put him out of his misery, but more likely to keep him from coming back as a zombie. ~ Andrew Cormier

It is said that there exist parallel worlds in which all other possible realities occur. Every decision we could ever make exists as a unique reality in which that decision is made. Of course you can imagine that the possibilities existing for any single person are immense. But what about the facts? What really happens. Since this really depends on others, what you get is ... it.
Limited.
It.
This is it. ~ Stephen Demone

Don't they teach y'all anythin' in school these days?"

She frowned. Apparently they needed to improve the current How To Survive The Zombie Apocalypse 101 courses. ~ Amy Cook

There was one thing no one considered, however: Australia was populated by Australians. While the rest of us were trying to adapt to a world that suddenly seemed bent on eradicating the human race, the Australians had been dealing with a hostile environment for centuries. They looked upon our zombie apocalypse, and they were not impressed. ~ Mira Grant

The population, who are, ultimately, indifferent to public affairs and even to their own interests, negotiate this indifference with an equally spectral partner and one that is similarly indifferent to its own will: the government [Ie pouvoir] . This game between zombies may stabilize in the long term. The Year 2000 will not take place in that an era of indifference to time itself - and therefore to the symbolic term of the millennium - will be ushered in by negotiation.

Nowadays, you have to go straight from money to money, telegraphically so to speak, by direct transfer (that is the viral side of the matter). A viral revolution, then, more akin to the Glass Bead Game than to the steam engine, and admirably personified in Bernard Tapie's playboy face. For the look of money is reflected in faces. Gone are the hideous old capitalists, the old-style industrial barons wearing the masks of the suffering they have inflicted. Now there are only dashing playboys, sporty and sexual, true knights of industry, wearing the mask of the happiness they spread all around themselves.

The world put on a show of despair after 1968. It's been putting on a big show of hope since 1980. No more tears, alright? Reaganite optimism, the pump ing up of the dollar. Fabius's glossy new look. Patriotic conviviality. Reluctance prohibited. The old pessimism was produced by the idea that things were getting worse and worse. The new pessimism is produced by the fact that everything i ~ Jean Baudrillard

Thank God for imminent doomsday. ~ Jim Butcher

Will the last person on the planet please turn off the lights? ~ John Joseph Adams

Please, do you see the apocalypse? Because I'd give up on that happening until you do. And even then, it's negotiable."
"I'm holding out for a hot zombie."
"Yeah, or, like, the hot scientist who finds the cure."
"Or the hot government agent who's assigned to protect you from the international terrorist who plans to wipe out the nation with the world's first zombie virus weapon of mass destruction."
"Because you carry the zombie virus antidote in your blood."
"Exactly."
"It's a recessive trait. ~ Jocelyn Davies

This is how the zombie apocalypse starts," Cas said. "You don't screw with death, yo! ~ Jennifer Rush

I'm just trying to do my part to save the world. ~ J. Cornell Michel

Just two naked guys enjoying a manly hug in the middle of the apocalypse. - Cody Forester, Werewolf Apocalypse ~ Roxanne Smolen

Nicky turned and bolted. He'd only had about a thirty foot head start and a few were closing ground on him quickly. He cursed his hundred-dollar shoes and his vanity. The shoes looked great, but were definitely not made for running, nor was the suit he was wearing. He vowed that if he made it out of there alive, he'd only wear sneakers and track suits for the rest of his days. Of course, I'll probably be laughed out of the mob, but I don't care at this point. ~ Ian McClellan

This is the strange thing about life, when people are confronted, they all say that the truth is what they want but when the truth disagrees with them, they balk at it as if it were an unwanted zombie apocalypse that only wants to destroy civilization. ~ Leviak B. Kelly

I do care. That's why I hunt them. But if you've seen what I have, then you learn to deal with the murders and disappearances. You learn to push it aside and move on. The other life isn't here anymore. This new world has its own rules. Survival of the fittest is one of them. If you're hoping for kindness and pity, don't hold your breath. ~ Susanne Winnacker

It ain't how hard you are when you're standing over top of someone that really matters. It's how hard you are when someone's standing over top of you that shows what you're made of. ~ Cedric Nye

I wanted to be a spy," Olga said, shrugging. "I applied to the CIA. I was turned down. I did not meet the psychological profile. Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Basically, I have a hard time taking orders from idiots."

"Don't think of me as an idiot and I won't give you an idiotic order," Sophia said. "But if I give you one, you'd better do it. Because it's probably going to mean surviving or dying."

"You I don't mind," Olga said. "Or I wouldn't have joined your crew. Don't ask me about Nazar. So I was in Spain with the troupe. When the Plague hit, they shut down travel. And all my guns were in America. In a zombie apocalypse. I was quite upset."

"You should have seen Faith when they told her she had to be disarmed in New York," Sophia said. "Then they gave her a taser and that was mistake. What kind of guns?"

"I like that your family prefers the AK series," Olga said. "I really do think it's superior to the M16 series in many ways. Much more reliable. They say it is less accurate but that is at longer ranges. The round is not designed for long range."

"I can hit at a thousand meters with my accurized AK," Sophia said. "It's a matter of knowing the ballistics. It's not real powerful at that range, but try doing the same thing with an M4. I'll wait."

"Oh, jeeze, you two," Paula said. "Get a room."

"So continue with how you got on the yacht," Sophia said. "We don't want our cook getting all woozy with ~ John Ringo

It's more like an absence of sound, almost like nature holding its breath. Like those corny lines in movies where the hero says, It's quiet, too quiet. ~ Patricia Hamill

She really talks to you, doesn't she?" She asked. "it's not just you talking to her. She talks BACK."
"hel, half the time she starts it." I said, half-defensively. "I know it's weird."
"Well, yes, it's weird. Technically, I think it's insane. But who am I to judge?" Maggie shrugged. "I live in a house most people view as the setting of a horror movie waiting to happen, with an army of security ninjas and a couple dozen epileptic dogs for company. I don't think I'm qualified to pass judgement on 'weird'. ~ Mira Grant

In the darkened recesses of the Suburban, my opinion of the vampire rose considerably. There were far worse things than having to drink blood to survive. I could tolerate him, so long as he didn't try to make me his next meal. ~ Rose Wynters

Contrary to popular belief," Gretchen grumbled. "It's creepy to watch a girl while she sleeps."
Clint shrugged and smiled. "Sorry, I guess I should've just woken you up. ~ Aria Kane

The real zombie-apocalypse is the pandemic of drama and mediocrity. ~ Bryant McGill

And on the eighth day, Satan laughed. ~ James Schannep

There's something unsettling about the education of a child who comfortably enumerates the rules for surviving zombie apocalypse but finds it uncomfortable to enumerate the rules of his grandparents' faith, if he knows them. ~ Amity Shlaes

If you don't know a name, you can't be hurt when they go. I have no friends anymore, all are lost. ~ Patricia Hamill

Okay. You're stranded in a deserted train station during the zombie apocalypse. Quick, which book do you have with you?" "Hopefully The Zombie Survival Guide. ~ Aly Martinez

Dear Producers,
Something is radiating deep within me and it must be transmitted or I will implode and the world will suffer a great loss, unawares. Epic are the proportions of my soul, yet without a scope who cares am I? This is why I must but must be one of the inhabitants of MTV's "Real World." Only there, burning brightly into a million dazzled eyes, will my as yet uncontoured self assume the beauteous forms that are not just its own, but an entire market niche's, due.

I am a Kirk Cameron-Kurt Cobain figure, roguishly quirky, dandified but down to earth, kooky but comprehensible; denizen of the growing penumbra between alternative and mainstream culture; angsty prophet of the already bygone apocalypse, yet upbeat, stylish and sexy!

Oscar Wilde wrote, "Good artists exist in what they make, and consequently are perfectly uninteresting in what they are. A great poet, a really great poet, is the most unpoetical of all creatures. But inferior poets are absolutely fascinating... [they] live the poetry [they] cannot write." As with Dorian Gray, life is my art! Oh MTV, take me, make me, wake me from my formless slumbers and place me in the dreamy Real World of target marketing. ~ Dave Eggers

The arc of history is long, but it bends towards zombie apocalypse. ~ Nick Land

Holy shit." Rehv shook his head and muttered, "Now we know what the zombie apocalypse looks like. ~ J.R. Ward

All that ran through my mind at her suggesstion was running through the park with a ton of turned Disney Princesses and the three little pigs hot on our trail. ~ Patricia Hamill

And don't tell me that you were sick because no one is sick for two weeks and can't even make a phone call! Well, unless she's patient zero at the beginning of a zombie apocalypse. ~ Erin Watt

Maruman does not loll. ~ Isobelle Carmody

If I was in a zombie apocalypse, I wouldn't be playing music, because that would attract zombies. ~ Scott Weiland

Oh, you're a picky sort, huh?" He laughed. "That takes balls, being choosy at a time like this. ~ Domashita Romero

It's all about survival. ~ Molly Looby

These five teens are convinced it was not a prank. They all believe this is the beginning of the zombie apocalypse we hear so much about. But I'm not so sure I believe their story - not this close to Halloween."
The girl with the ponytail frowned at him. "I know what I saw," she said. "They are here! ~ R.L. Stine

The most I can hope for is to die in a pose that confuses future archaeologists. ~ Yahtzee Croshaw

A cemetery?" I chuckle, but the pitch is a bit higher than I expected. "At night? With a full moon? Um ... did you see any, uh, zombies, you, while you were there?"
Shiko blinks at me a few times. "No"
I slump in relief. "Thank God. I mean, I don't want to be the first to die. The funny guy always dies first, for shock value, you know. Rourke would get killed next, because it's be a heroic sacrifice or something." I motion to Shiko. "You'd live, though, unless you had sex."
... Shiko has the look of an addled kitten, complete with head tilt. Rourke sighs and leans toward her, embarrassed.
'You'll have to excuse him. According to his mother he has an irrational fear of something called the zombie apocalypse."
"It's not irrational! ~ Vaughn R. Demont

I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die. ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Black vomit came gushing out Samantha's mouth, adding to the puddle already on the floor. Samantha was covered in a sheen of sweat, crouched on all fours on the wooden hallway floor, like an animal. Her thick yellow fingernails made deep scratches in the wood as her body convulsed with each new expulsion of the black vomit. Her hair was long and thick and full; thicker and fuller than he had ever seen it. It reminded him of a lion's mane. Her skin was a sickly pale grey with disturbing red boils the size of grapefruit and weeping puss-filled black blotches where others had burst. Spider webs of blue veins were visible under the skin all over her body. ~ Joseph M. Chiron

I'm not prepared for a zombie apocalypse. I need more bottled water, a shotgun, and stronger abs. I have plenty of canner food. ~ Jenna Fischer