Unintended Humor Quotes

I wish to God I might induce her to mind me!' he ejaculated. ~ Georgette Heyer

The happiest time in a man's life is when he is in the red hot pursuit of a dollar with a reasonable prospect of overtaking it. ~ Josh Billings

No Matter what you're, Matter is ; What you do. ~ Harishankar Kaushik

No, no, no! I am not giving birth backstage at a rock concert. I need to be in a hospital, pumped full of every drug that they can legally give me!
I was so shocked, my only repsonse was,
'Well, he was conceived backstage at a concert, so it's sort of fitting for him to be born at one. ~ S.C. Stephens

If you can't make a joke at a time like this, what's the point of living? ~ Chloe Neill

There's no need for fiction when we have everyday life. ~ Latasha Wakefield

Do you know what they're called? They're the Shadows That Live, Zuze. They're assassins."
"Like me," said Zuzanna cheerfully. ~ Laini Taylor

Anyone that looked like that wouldn't need to tie up girls and imprison them in order to get them to marry him ~ Cassandra Clare

The Egyptians enjoyed a great variety of diseases, though they had to die of them without knowing their Greek names. ~ Will Durant

Civilization is held together by duct tape and spit, and I'm worried about the duct tape. ~ Jacqueline Patricks

When I look at a lot of older stuff that I've written, I think one sign of amateur humor writing is when you see people trying too hard. ~ David Sedaris

At 5.45 a.m. the important scientists finished their coffee and played rock paper scissors to see who had to phone the government. ~ Mitch Benn

Hey, it's me. Just checking if you were dead. If you aren't, call me. If you are, call me anyway. ~ Mark Del Franco

If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried ~ Josh Stern

The more you say goodbye, the stupider you'll feel when we're blitzed as bats at the victory party. ~ Meg Merriet

Elbryn smiled. "You know, you never told me your name," he said, looking at her fondly.
"No," Holonie answered simply, "I did not."
Elbryn stared at her, his eyes suddenly weary, and Holonie heard the exasperated thought on the surface of his mind, Elves. "Fair enough," he said aloud. ~ Ash Gray

I've got a dope sense of humor, brah. ~ Alan

You know because you've been it, and I know because I'm dead and it gives one such a wonderfully uncluttered perspective. ~ Douglas Adams

It was all I could do to not knock him down right there in front of Asher and climb on him. If I stunned him with a frying pan first, he might not struggle too much. ... ~ Cate Tiernan

He built a tower to try and be closer to her and walled himself inside."
She stared at him for a moment as if waiting for something. "And?"
He glanced at her, puzzled. "And, what?"
She widened her eyes. "How does the story end? Did the sorcerer win his Moon Maiden?"
"Of course not," he said irritably. "She lived on the moon and was quite unattainable. I suppose he must've starved or pined away or fallen off the wall at some point. ~ Elizabeth Hoyt

Thinking back on the outing to the theatre, she added, 'I want a man, not a preening peacock! ~ Katherine Givens

In an Anglo-Saxon thriller, the villain is generally punished, and the strong silent man generally wins the weak babbling girl, but there is no governmental law in Western countries to ban a story that does not comply with a fond tradition, so that we always hope that the wicked but romantic fellow will escape scot-free and the good but dull chap will be finally snubbed by the moody heroine. ~ Vladimir Nabokov

Lastly, she pictured to herself how this same little sister of hers would, in the after-time, be herself a grown woman; and how she would keep, through all her riper years, the simple and loving heart of her childhood: and how she would gather about her other little children, and make their eyes bright and eager with many a strange tale, perhaps even with the dream of Wonderland of long ago: and how she would feel with all their simple sorrows, and find a pleasure in all their simple joys, remembering her own child-life, and the happy summer days. ~ Lewis Carroll

She had been critical of his new torch song, "A Side Order of Heartache, Please," suggesting it could be used as a good way to break in their new paper shredder. ~ Woody Allen

Are you going to kick somebody's ass?
I don't know. Maybe.
Well, I'm not going to worry. I've watched you spar with that martial arts dummy in the backyard lots of times, and you always win.
Thanks, buddy. I'll see you soon. ~ Kevin Hearne

You, Monica said, leaning over her, really pissed me off, fish. I don't forget things like that. Neither does my boyfriend.
Brandon? Claire wheezed. Jeez, at least get one with a pulse! ~ Rachel Caine

Yet curiosity grabbed stubbornness by the throat and pimp-slapped it a few times. ~ Cecy Robson

Geddy once joked, 'You're the only guy I know who rehearses to rehearse! ~ Neil Peart

Writers are encouraged to "keep 'em laughing" and complain "with good humor" in order to "win" allies. The joke is always on ourselves. ~ Alice Childress

You want to neuter us," Director Tagg said. "Stop us from policing the criminals who run this city."
"As my client put it, Director, we're hoping to free you to focus your efforts on real targets. ~ Wildbow

They seem nice, though, your sisters, really,' Porcelain remarked.
'Ha!' I said. 'Shows what little you know! I hate them!'
'Hate them? I should have thought you'd love them.'
'Of course I love them,' I said ... 'That's why I'm so good at hating them. ~ Alan Bradley