Lance Berkman Funny Quotes

The only way that we can truly have a purpose and an enriching life experience is to do all things in Christ and through the power of Christ. What happens when we're all about doing good works and we're doing that outside of the power of Christ is that we end up getting the glory and the whole point of this deal is that God gets the glory. That verse beautifully illustrates that point. ~ Lance Berkman

The overriding thing has to be a love for people. If you don't love people, you don't care if we live in a morally degrading society. Christ is about love, and that's what we want to be about as well. ~ Lance Berkman

I want to be a guy who produces runs, who drives in runs, who can beat you with a single or can beat you with a home run, who's just a tough out. ~ Lance Berkman

Agile, athletic, sleek-all these things describe my game! ~ Lance Berkman

What comes first, the chicken or the egg? You start out bad, you don't really feel right, you don't have the same explosion, then you start to lose confidence, you start to doubt your ability. It's a snowball effect. ~ Lance Berkman

I think any great performer or athlete has to have a little bit of a gut to be great. ~ Lance Berkman

One-run games can go either way, and most of the time they do. ~ Lance Berkman

Theres a little more margin for error this year. Last year, it felt like we had to win every game. That wasnt a lot of fun. ~ Lance Berkman

They were chanting my name, but I don't know why. My name is on the back of my uniform. So, it's nice to know they can read. ~ Lance Berkman

I want to play every game of my career in an Astros uniform. ~ Lance Berkman

I wish I was just a left-handed hitter. It's really tough having to keep both sides sharp, and that's one reason why you don't see switch-hitters hit for that high of an average. You're always fighting one side or the other. ~ Lance Berkman

I almost feel guilty. The physical toll is tremendous. Im exhausted and I only played nine innings. ~ Lance Berkman

My father always told me that to be successful at anything, whether it was baseball or tiddlywinks, you have to be willing to pay the price. You have to be willing to do more than the kid down the street if you want to be better than he is. ~ Lance Berkman

God has given me a lot of ability to play the game of baseball. ~ Lance Berkman

The key to dealing with people in general is that they have to know that you care about them. You have to deal with people in gentleness. You have to come along side of them. You can't push them. You can't pull them. You have to walk with them. In order to do that, you've got to demonstrate care for that individual. That's my whole thing ~ Lance Berkman

The modelling was fun but I don't see it the same as music, because with modelling, I was just kind of lucky, I just fell into it. I got discovered at a train station when I'd just turned 15, I was working full-time by 16, moved overseas and then just kept at it and made it a life. Whereas with my music, I've really struggled through and worked hard, learnt how to write and I've kept developing that. ~ Erica Packer

That streetside tree is obscuring the air. Cut it down. Haul it in for questioning. There are secrets within that foliage. You might want to separate the branches in different rooms and apply some elementary game theory."
"Question a plant?"
"Trees have a will too, just like people. We have to know it's purpose. Read Schopenhauer."
"Schopenwho?"
"He was the only authentic German. You might like him. Being a police officer, you're undoubtedly familiar with the need to put an end to the lives of the perverse when sex crimes go too far. Now just generalize that necessity to every human being. ~ Benson Bruno

I'm visiting my high school. Every half year I do the exams, and then this year I'm going to graduate. ~ Daniela Hantuchova

Who wants to blow up a bridge with me? ~ Brandon Nolta

I had a dream, and I needed to go back and find out for sure if something - someone - was there."
When she glanced up, Violet saw the muscles in his jaw flex. "So?" he asked though clenched teeth. "Did you? Find something, I mean?"
Violet's cheek was getting sore from where her teeth were ripping it apart. "N-no," she stammered. "I mean, kind of."
"Well, shit, Violet, what's that's supposed to mean?"
"It means there's someone locked inside one of those gigantic shipping containers down on the docks. But I couldn't get inside, so I still don't know for sure. I mean, not in any way I can prove."
Jay jumped up from his chair. It was more than he could take. "Are you telling me you went down to the shipyards before it was even light out? In the middle of the night? All by yourself?"
Violet smiled then. She didn't mean to, but she couldn't help herself; she felt the corners of her mouth twitching upward before she could stop them. She was never going to get used to this, his worrying about her.
"Yeah," she challenged, taking a step toward him. "Something like that." She walked to where he was standing, barely containing his frustration. She didn't try to hide her grin. She put her palms against his chest and could feel his heart beating wildly. "You think you're gonna be okay? Do you need to sit down? Do you want me to get you a cup of tea or something?"
"Hell, Violet, it's not funny. ~ Kimberly Derting

I take nothing for granted. I now have only good days, or great days. ~ Lance Armstrong

They say money talks, but all mine ever says is 'good-bye sucker. ~ Jill Shalvis

In any given situation there will always be more dumb people than smart people. We ain't many! ~ Ken Kesey

New Rule: Just because a country elects a smart president doesn't make it a smart country. A couple of weeks ago, I was asked on CNN if I thought Sarah Palin could get elected president, and I said I hope not, but I wouldn't put anything past this stupid country. Well, the station was flooded with emails, and the twits hit the fan. And you could tell that these people were really mad, because they wrote entirely in CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Worst of all, Bill O'Reilly refuted my contention that this is a stupid country by calling me a pinhead, which (a) proves my point, and (b) is really funny coming from a doody-face like him.

Now, before I go about demonstration how, sadly, easy it is to prove the dumbness that's dragging us down, let me just say that ignorance has life-and-death consequences. On the eve of the Iraq War, seventy percent of Americans thought Saddam Hussein was personally involved in 9/11. Six years later, thirty-four percent still do. Or look at the health-care debate: At a recent town hall meeting in South Carolina, a man stood up and told his congressman to "keep your government hands off my Medicare," which is kind of like driving cross-country to protest highways.

This country is like a college chick after two Long Island iced teas: We can be talked into anything, like wars, and we can be talked out of anything, like health care. We should forget the town halls, and replace them with study halls.

Listen to some of these stats: ~ Bill Maher

Fundamentals that you read about are typically useless as the market has already discounted the price, and I call them "funny-mentals". However, if you catch on early, before others believe, you might have valuable "surprise-a-mentals". ~ Ed Seykota

Granny sighed. "You have learned something," she said, and thought it safe to insert a touch of sternness into her voice. "They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it is not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance. ~ Terry Pratchett

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!" ~ Jimmy Carr

Funny,' Will said, as they picked their way through. 'Things are absolutely awful and yet people look much happier than usual. Look at them all. Bubbling.'
'They are English,' Merriman said.
'Quite right,' said Will's father. 'Splendid in adversity, tedious when safe. Never content, in fact. We're an odd lot…. ~ Susan Cooper

Tex, you look like a serial killer in this picture!" I shouted.
"Yeah, so?" Tex answered.
I stared.
"You think people wouldn't pay good money to have a serial killer make them coffee?" he boomed. ~ Kristen Ashley

I shook my head back and forth as though I was a human etch-a-sketch, erasing the memory. ~ Nicole Gulla

I like to make jokes; I consider myself a funny person. I just think making jokes about people who are in a situation beyond their control is not funny to them or their families. ~ Maria Shriver

The great American novel has not only already been written, it has already been rejected. ~ W. Somerset Maugham

For in the forest someone is always watching and someone is always listening! ~ Nancy B. Brewer

The despicable crone known as Mombi stands accused of high witchery, gross dishonesty, untold crimes against monkeys, outrageous trespassing, and general unpleasantness. Also, she is extremely unattractive. Miss Amy, do you speak for the witch? ~ Danielle Paige

Funny, isn't it? I've known every love possible, but as the years stretched out, the love I longed for the most is the one I shared with my sister. ~ Josephine Angelini

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. ~ Evan Davis

That's what gets converts these days," Baron said. "It's a buyers' market in apocalypse. What's hot in heresy's Armageddon. ~ China Mieville

It's just that I have this funny objection to torturing small animals no matter how scrumptious their body parts might be ... Our food industries are equal opportunity abusers: cows, chickens, pigs, and a special mention to those little calves who for their short, miserable lives are locked into crates too small to allow movement just so we can eat veal. ~ Ron Reagan

Ah, yes, the mix tape. The mating call of the introvert. ~ Sophia Dembling

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? ~ Steven Wright

You never think of films being really creepy that you're in because you just remember the funny stuff. ~ Pell James