Humor Tanzie Ed Quotes

Do you know what my name is, converted to binary code?"
He looked at her. "Is Tanzie your full name?"
"No. But it's the one I use."
He blew out his cheeks. "Um. Okay. 01010100 01100001 01101110 01111010 01101001 01100101."
"Did you say 1010 at the end? Or 0101?"
"1010. Duh. ~ Jojo Moyes

1980's: not a time period but a state of mind. ~ Carrie Vaughn

If you raise a daughter to be both independent and an excellent marksman, you have to accept the fact that your control over her actions is at an end. ~ Martha Wells

I always wanted to play professional hockey. Every hockey player's dream, no matter at what level or what age, is to play professionally. At first you don't know what it's all about, but you have that dream and you always work hard toward it. The older you get, the more you start dedicating yourself to the game. ~ Ed Belfour

Her hair was simply red and her coat was deacon blue. ~ Robert Rankin

Dammit!" she said, stabbing the paper with her butter knife and then repeated "Dammit" a couple of more times in a hopeless decrescendo.
"KING CITY," said the paper.
"Yeah, yeah, so I've heard," she muttered. No one around her noticed. Teenagers shout things a lot while smashing knives near their hands, everyone knew. ~ Joseph Fink

One pretty woman means fun at the dance. Two pretty women means trouble in the house. Three pretty women means run at the hills. ~ Robert Jordan

I often say that managers of creative enterprises must hold lightly to goals and firmly to intentions. What does that mean? It means that we must be open to having our goals change as we learn new information or are surprised by things we thought we knew but didn't. As long as our intentions - our values - remain constant, our goals can shift as needed. ~ Ed Catmull

I killed him with my niblick, said Celia.
I nodded. If the thing was to be done at all, it was unquestionably a niblick shot. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

Congratulations your 18! ... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill. ~ Frankie Boyle

And however much the princess was assured that in our time young people themselves must settle their fate, she was unable to believe it, as she would have been unable to believe that in anyone's time the best toys for five-year-old children would be loaded pistols. ~ Leo Tolstoy

Lydia: What the devil do you mean by creeping up on me? You're suppose to be in a brothel.
Vere: I lied. I can't believe you fell for the old going-to-a-brothel ruse. You didn't even look out the window to make sure I'd gone away. ~ Loretta Chase

It came charging toward me, several hundred pounds of angry-looking monster, and I did the only thing any reasonable wizard could have done.
I turned around and ran like hell. ~ Jim Butcher

If the goal of conservatives is to discourage young people from having sex, they should change their strategy and push to make comprehensive sexual education compulsory. Our educational system has proved that if a subject is taught in a boring enough manner, Americans will make every effort to avoid it for the rest of their lives. If homosexuality was taught in the same manner as trigonometry, even most gay people would have no use for it after graduation. ~ Bob Smith

Does anyone believe that the difference between the Lebesgue and Riemann integrals can have physical significance, and that whether say, an airplane would or would not fly could depend on this difference? If such were claimed, I should not care to fly in that plane. ~ Richard Hamming

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Sorry," I said to the Duke.
"Eh, it's not your fault. It's Carla's fault. You were turning the wheel. Carla just wasn't listening. I knew I shouldn't have loved her. She's like all the others, Tobin; as soon as I confess my love, she abandons me."
I laughed. "I never abandoned you," I said patting on her back.
"Yeah, well, (a.) I never confessed my love to you, and (b.) I'm not even female to you. ~ John Green

You're sugar momma will be bringing home the sugar! ~ Toni Aleo

Screw up my life?" He stared at me for a second and then said, deadpan, "I'm a five-foot-three, thirty-seven-year-old, single, Jewish medical examiner who needs to pick up his lederhosen from the dry cleaners so that he can play in a one-man polka band at Oktoberfest tomorrow." He pushed up his glasses with his forefinger, folded his arms, and said, "Do your worst. ~ Jim Butcher

Luck plays an enormous role in trading success. Some people were lucky enough to be born smart, while others were even smarter and got born lucky. ~ Ed Seykota

Wise is the fool who becomes a master at laughter. ~ Curtis Tyrone Jones

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons. ~ Douglas MacArthur

Mom: Your hair is getting long. Who are you trying to be? John Lennon?
David: Cher.
Mom: Your voice isn't deep enough. ~ Dan Skinner

Panties I don't mind going without, but I have no bra."
"You're like me." She smoothed her hands over her small breasts. "We have knots on a wooden plank. ~ Hailey Edwards

Hamilton found it difficult to concentrate on what Eliza was saying. Her lips were moving rapidly, but he couldn't actually decipher what the words coming out of her mouth were. It was such a lovely mouth, and he found it quite quirky, given the fact that it could assume different positions with alarming frequency. Like now, it was pursed in a most attractive manner, and now ... it was moving again as if the lady could not get the words out fast enough. His gaze traveled upward, past the eyes that were flashing and settled on her hair. He couldn't help but appreciate the efforts of Mabel. The curls she'd been able to produce on Eliza's head, well, they were tantalizing. He had the strangest urge to reach out and touch them, to feel with his own hand if they were as soft as they appeared, something he'd been contemplating ever since he got a good look at her in the dining room. He pulled abruptly back to reality when Eliza poked him in the chest. ~ Jen Turano

My dog is always happy to see me, no matter what. We could all learn a thing or two from our four legged friends. ~ Howard Upton

And, uh . . . to whom do you pray?'

'We worship the perfect cohesion of space and time and nonlinear probabilities represented by cabbage.'

'Wow, that's . . . yeah. ~ Delilah S. Dawson

My sense of humor was a tool for me getting past my mother and father separating, my older brother having cerebral palsy, and the bullies in the schoolyard. I had to make them laugh to keep them off my ass. I brought that to my professional career. ~ Tracy Morgan

Why are we bringing him along, again?" Will inquired, of the world in general as well as his sister.
Cecily put her hands on her hips. "Why are you bringing Tessa?"
"Because Tessa and I are going to be married," Will said, and Tessa smiled; the way that Will's little sister could ruffle his feathers like no one else was still amusing to her.
"Well, Gabriel and I might well be married," Cecily said. "Someday."
Gabriel made a choking noise, and turned an alarming shade of purple.
Will threw up his hands. "You can't be married Cecily! You're only fifteen! When I get married, I'll be eighteen! An adult!"
Cecily did not look impressed. "We may have a long engagement," she said. "But I cannot see why you are counseling me to marry a man my parents have never met."
Will sputtered. "I am not counseling you to marry a man your parents have never met!"
"Then we are in agreement. Gabriel must meet Mam and Dad. ~ Cassandra Clare

Did you like question ten, Moony?" asked Sirius as they emerged into the entrance hall.
"Loved it," said Lupin briskly. "Give five signs that identify the werewolf. Excellent question."
"D'you think you managed to get all the signs?" said James in tones of mock concern.
"Think I did," said Lupin seriously, as they joined the crowd thronging around the front doors eager to get out into the sunlit grounds. "One: He's sitting on my chair. Two: He's wearing my clothes. Three: His name's Remus Lupin ... ~ J.K. Rowling

Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess. ~ Bill Watterson

When you see me in a scarf you may think "Oh, she went to some trouble there." But no, when I wear a scarf it means" this grey blouse was unwrinkled and those mocha pants make my behind look fine and voila I have a vivid grey,brown and white silk scarf which means I have transformed self from bone lazy to coordinated accessory maven.
Bridget Allison (Gretchen Gallen in my book#3, "Maid in Waiting" publish date June 2014) ~ Bridget Allison

If you can't do respect for yours, you can't do for others. ~ Albert Einstein

Julian tried to keep a pleasant smile on his face, though already it felt strained. He was uncomfortable with people who used the word blessed as a part of their everyday speech. The implication was that God was intervening in the minutiae of their lives, hanging around and helping them with their jobs or children or household chores as though He had nothing better to do.
Maybe it was true, Julian thought wryly. Maybe that was why there were wars and murders and earthquakes and hurricanes. God was too busy helping real estate agents find new listings to deal with those other issues. ~ Bentley Little

Demons were all about ego, which meant that most demons had some kind of title. I think it made them feel better about their tiny ... pitchforks. ~ E.J. Stevens

Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men. ~ Neil Gaiman

Tragedy plus time equals humor ~ Marie Osmond

It means, your worships' excellencies, that - you - can't come to it! This chicken won't fight. It means that the fat's in the fire, and the cat's out of the bag! It means confusion! Distraction! Perdition! And a tearing off of our wigs! It means the game's up, the play's over, villainy is about to be hanged and virtue about to be married, and the curtain is going to drop and the principal performer - that's I - is going to be called out amid the applause of the audience! ~ E.D.E.N. Southworth

I finally figured out the big, elusive secret to weight loss. Don't eat! Who knew? ~ Richelle E. Goodrich

If you never stepped on anybody's toes, you never been for a walk. ~ Barbara Kingsolver

I was convinced that there was at least a seventy-three percent chance he was gay. I bumped it up from sixty-eight after our third game. Zack showed up wearing a light pink shirt that was tighter than usual. ~ Kyle Adams

Are you having fun playing with those plastic 3-D models of ears, noses and throats? That's kind of like what I do, except instead of cute little plastic models, it's living human tissue, and instead of playing, I'm fucking working, and instead of fun, it's fucking not fun, it's serious. ~ Colin Nissan

See Amazon's bio on don loedding and a review of his first book of short stories"The Search For the Bearded Clam" and read inside "Global Warming:The Iceman Cometh". ~ Donald R. Loedding

Why be a princess when you can be a Queen ~ Dido Stargaze

I would appreciate it if you would stop ... stop ... ogling me like that," she hissed, tugging her very modest neckline higher. "It is very embarrassing." She folded her arms across her breasts defensively. He tried to look contrite. "It wasn't me," he confessed. "It was my eyes. They are bold and easily led and have no sense of propriety. ~ Anne Gracie