Humor Suspense Quotes

He shook his head. "Did you tell him he should expand the Odessa-Brody oil pipeline up to Poland?"

I smiled. "Yes. Yes, I did. You should definitely expand the pipeline. Think of all the money you could make if you sold your oil to the EU. You could build a whole new children's hospital and a research center. You'd have enough money to buy real toilets for the university so women don't have to crouch over those holes in the floor." I shook my head. "I'd like to see you try that in five inch heels! ~ K.S. Ruff

I pulled in a soft breath. My lungs were starving, crying out for air. I lay still, and a cough tickled at the back of my throat. It always happens when you're hiding, a cough, a sneeze, something. It's stupid. The body decides to screw around with you, even though it knows being quiet is the only way it's going to go on living. ~ Lilith Saintcrow

For me, suspense doesn't have any value if it's not balanced by humor. ~ Alfred Hitchcock

What's more important than recycling? Producing something to recycle. ~ Gordon Osmond

Should we keep on the lookout for tigers?" Kenda asked his guide.

"Yes," Shahin said, his voice lowering again. "They like to pounce from behind. I've been watching our backs ever since we lost the thugs. I meant to tell you once you calmed down. Now that you know, you can help me."

"Then we are being followed?" He hoped his voice did not squeak.

"Yes," Shahin repeated gravely. "By whom or what, I do not know."

"This just gets better and better," he groaned. ~ Jennifer McKeithen

The suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. ~ Oscar Wilde

Yes, I could stop writing... But only after I shoot myself. ~ David Lucero

Today, one must pay for a world where there is nothing to buy. ~ Girish Kohli

Spontaneity is one of the joys of existence, especially if you prepare for it in advance. ~ Alan Dean Foster

I remembered when it goes felt before. Laid to tell were almost give up. Love cares upon reach momentum reading. ~ Jonathan Guarino

The choir always tittered and whispered all through service. There was once a church choir that was not ill-bred, but I have forgotten where it was, now. It was a great many years ago, and I can scarcely remember anything about it, but I think it was in some foreign country. ~ Mark Twain

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? ~ Steven Wright

I wonder what Proust would have made of our present-day locus of collective fantasy, the Internet. I'm guessing he would have seized on its wistful aspect, pointing out gently and with wry humor that much of what beguiles us is the act of reaching for what isn't there. ~ Jennifer Egan

But there are things I want to do before I die, a whole list that I know I probably won't get to, but I'm sure as hell going to try. ~ Julie Kagawa

Haha, I can't hit you. If I did, I'd feel sorry for the person who'd have to clean up the mess of your splattered brain. ~ Kyousuke Motomi

I say, Gibson, we're old friends, and you're a fool if you take anything I say as an offence. Madam your wife and I did not hit it off the only time I ever saw her. I won't say she was silly, but I think one of us was silly, and it was not me. ~ Elizabeth Gaskell

You are my whole heart, Scarlet. And this is breaking it.'
My heart cracked open and clear dropped out of me. My mouth opened, and I looked round me and stamped my foot. 'Does this look like a good time to tell me that, you damn stupid boy?' I meant to sound mean but my voice wobbled. 'Now?'
He gave a little smile. 'My foul-mouthed warrior. ~ A.C. Gaughen

Upstaged by a schizophrenic, Dallas said. The story of my life. ~ Pat Conroy

Colt, you're a cop. I'm fairly certain you realize what you are proposing is illegal. As in bigamy."
He laughed. "You don't legally marry us both. Just one of us. Then the three of us make our own private vows."
"Fine," she leaned back and gave him a smug look as if expecting her next question to jar some sense into them. "Who am I going to legally marry?"
He grinned at her transparency. Obviously, she thought this was going to be a sticking point. "We'll arm wrestle to decide that. ~ Mari Carr

My father could out-weather anybody. Like people anywhere, there were times when it was the only topic where people here felt comfortably expressive, and my father could go on earnestly, seemingly forever. When the current weather was exhausted, there was all the weather that had occurred in recorded history, weather lived through or witnessed by a relative, or even heard about on the news. Catastrophic weather of all types. And when that was done, there was all the weather that might possibly occur in the future. I'd even heard him speculate about weather in the afterlife. ~ Louise Erdrich

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away. ~ Dave Attell

His laugh and his voice were both pleasant. He talked the way New Yorkers used to talk before they learned to talk Flatbush. ~ Raymond Chandler

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. ~ Fred Allen

MAKE SMARTER MISTAKES!
STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP!
CONTROL YOUR VARIABLES!
BLEND AND STRAIN!
CHANGE YOUR MIND!
The Freak knows this sounds corny because you're so used to looking at hateful shit, right? News shows and conspiracy theories. Rape jokes and dank memes. You're so used to the humor of the put-down that you didn't see that you slid down a hole and into a tunnel.
DIG YOUR WAY OUT! ~ A.S. King

Obama is not a secret Kenyon, or a secret Muslim, he's a secret Republican. ~ Bill Maher

You know, maybe we don't need enemies."
"Yeah, best friends aree about all I can take. ~ Bill Watterson

COFFEE! Because this body is NOT going to wake itself up! ~ Tanya Masse

Filial respect caused Grey to hesitate in passing ex post facto opinions on his mother's judgment, but after half an hour in the company of either Paul or Edgar, he could not escape a lurking suspicion that a just Providence, seeing the DeVanes so well endowed with physical beauty, had determined that there was no reason to spoil the work by adding intelligence to the mix. ~ Diana Gabaldon

Life is and will ever remain an equation incapable of solution, but it contains certain known factors. ~ Nikola Tesla

I give off good vibes, kids, dogs, and middle-aged divorcées like me ~ Tiffanie DeBartolo

We startled some strange, long-necked shaggy creatures that had been grazing in the field, and I swear one of them spit at Feniul. Hagen slipped off of Leontes'neck and started to follow the creatures into the little copse of trees they had taken shelter in, fascinated, but I called him back.
"They spit."I said. "They probably bite as well."
"They are ill tempered things,"Amacarin agreed."But I saw someone riding one yesterday. It did not look like a smooth-gaited beast, though."
Now there was even more longing in Hagen's face."
Luka started laughing. "I shall buy you one when you finish your apprenticeship." He told my brother. "It can be your mastery gift. A hairy, spitting cow horse. ~ Jessica Day George

It's the fish I feel sorry for, in all this global warming. They don't even have a carbon footprint. ~ J.L. Merrow

But,' I ducked the subject, 'don't heaps of artists use pseudonyms?'
'Who?'
'Um ... ' Only Cliff Richard and Sid Vicious came to mind. ~ David Mitchell

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. ~ Henny Youngman

Ash, you're my sister and I love you. But some days you can be about as bright as a black hole. ~ Karsten Knight

Was it a fire in the kitchen?
No, a bomb in the basement. ~ David Baldacci

Under Colonel Korn's rule, the only people permitted to
ask questions were those who never did. ~ Joseph Heller

It's good to see so many friends here in the Rose Garden. This is our first event in this beautiful spot, and it's appropriate we talk about policy that will affect people's lives in a positive way in such a beautiful, beautiful part of our national - really, our national park system, my guess is you would want to call it. ~ George W. Bush

Everyone likes me. It's my curse. ~ David Nicholls

Don't you see? It's getting to us. The doll is messing with our feelings. I'm filled with all these thoughts of warmth and love and respect for all of you. Get it out. I went to the sink to splash water on my face. ~ Eileen Rendahl

I don't want to run for anything. I want to shove this miserable cheap-ass check so far up Wells's ass he can read the routing number out the back of his eyes. ~ Richard Kadrey

Some burns," Clary said. "Nothing that matters"
"Everything that happens to you matters to me."
"Well that certainly explains why you haven't called me back once. And the last time I saw you, you ran away without telling me why. It's like dating a ghost."
Jace's mouth quirked up slightly at the side. "Not exactly. Isabelle actually dated a ghost. She could tell you
"
"No," Clary said. "It was a metaphor. And you know exactly what I mean. ~ Cassandra Clare

He smiled. "I suppose I thought we'd have a madly impractical, terrifyingly modern sort of marriage. One based on love. Not to mention dangerous undertakings and hair's-breadth escapes from burning buildings, high ledges and exploding sewers."
"And bickering."
"Always that, yes."
"Assuming I want to marry at all."
"True. I know of no good way of forcing you to do anything."
"And you're mad enough to think it could work - one day?"
He cupped her face in his hands. His smile was so brilliant it seemed to illuminate the room. "I think it would be heaven."
She trembled, then. "You have a very strange idea of heaven."
"Kiss me and see. ~ Y.S. Lee

The piece you have written for us is called "The Gambol of the Caribou." Now, Mr. Steenwilly, I don't mean to be critical. What I know about music could be squeezed into a peanut shell, and there would still be room for the peanut. But I looked up "gambol" in the dictionary, and it means to "skip or jump about playfully." It also means to "caper or frolic." Caribou are large, ponderous, woolly reindeer.
They do not gambol. They do not caper. They do not frolic. And they certainly do not skip. It would be an interesting sight to see a herd of caribou skipping down the tundra, but, Mr. Steenwilly, it would never happen. You could write a piece called "The Caribou Standing Still and Freezing Their Butts Off." Or "The March of the Caribou." Or even "The Stampede of the Caribou." But "The Gambol of the Caribou" is not such a great image to build a piece of music around. ~ David Klass

Complimenting yourself again? ~ L.R.W. Lee

You can tell a lot about a country by its prisons. In hippy-dippy Socialist Sweden, rapists and murders (all three of them) while away their days making arts and crafts in what are essentially taxpayer-funded mental health clinics. The Swedes' theory seems to be that a) anyone who commits such a crime must be crazy and b) with enough art therapy, the individual in question will soon become just another law-abiding, nude-sunbathing pot-smoker. In America, we think people in prison are either the victims of some terrible government conspiracy, the victims of "society" - whatever that means - or heinous evildoers. And if they are heinous enough, we fry them with electricity, unless of course they find Jesus first. The Swedes, in a nutshell, are tolerant and forgiving, verging on the naïve; Americans are religious and vengeful, suspicious of their government, and suckers for tear-jerking tales of redemption. ~ Maureen Klovers

Most people new to a city on the ocean would probably go to the beach during the day when there are people around. I, on the other hand, decided to try a midnight swim at the somewhat gamy Santa Monica pier, by myself. That is, until a nearby guard kicked me off the beach for my own safety. ~ Kathy Griffin

Well, at least this made some sense - if you had a twisted sense of humor. It wasn't like I hadn't expected Edward to take advantage of our deal, to weight it on his side so that he could give so much more than he would receive. ~ Stephenie Meyer

You can hear my dreams? God, you must never get any quiet. I'd be shooting myself in the head if I were you. ~ Jeaniene Frost

Jonah squealed, jumping up and down and shaking his pom-poms. His skirt swished around his scrawny yellow knees.
"Jonah, can I give you a piece of sisterly advice?"
"Yeah."
"If you ever want to lose your virginity, don't do that again. Ever. ~ Carrie Harris

Shira turned and blew kisses toward her clients who had pressed their faces against the salon window like children in a candy store and she their Willy Wonka of beauty. ~ Terri Gillespie

Dear Diary,

There is so much I have neglected to report. I've grown two new teeth, abandoned my life's one true mission and fallen into something bottomless and terrible... I wonder if it's love.

And now my husband has returned to me ~ Chandler Klang Smith

Neil Mars?! I could blame him for having killer looks but he could not be faulted for this. He couldn't have chosen that name for himself. No wonder he tortures his Mom by calling her by her name. ~ Rucy Ban

I meant the house behind him clutching his chest, Parker gasped. Gage! you pervert! That's Mrs. Falconi-she's ninety-six years old! Clearing her throat,Miss Dupree struggled to keep her own amusement in check. Thank you Roo,for that fascinating bit of information. And should any of us a pervert lurking outside our windows tonight, We can all rest easily now,Knowing it's only Gage. ~ Richie Tankersley Cusick