Humor Socialism Quotes

A good communist," the man had said, "does not let go of the plough halfway across the paddy and leave the buffalo to find its own direction. He eats with her, tends to her injuries, and sleeps with her until the job is done." Siri had resisted the temptation to spread the word that the Party was advocating bestiality. ~ Colin Cotterill

I have been studying the principles of socialism deeply of late, and I came to the conclusion that I must join the cause. It looked good to me. You work for the equal distribution of property and start in by swiping all you can and sitting on it. Ah, noble scheme! Me for it! ~ P.G. Wodehouse

I'm half italian"
"Which half" asked Tessa
"From the waist down ~ Pamela Clare

Existing political philosophies all developed before evolutionary game theory, so they do not take equilibrium selection into account. Socialism pretends that individuals are not selfish sexual competitors, so it ignores equilibria altogether. Conservatism pretends that there is only one possible equilibrium - a nostalgic version of the status quo - that society could play. Libertarianism ignores the possibility of equilibrium selection at the level of rational social discourse, and assumes that decentralized market dynamics will magically lead to equilibria that yield the highest aggregate social benefits. Far from being a scientific front for a particular set of political views, modern evolutionary psychology makes most standard views look simplistic and unimaginitive. ~ Geoffrey Miller

Every instinct that is found in any man is in all men. The strength of the emotion may not be so overpowering, the barriers against possession not so insurmountable, the urge to accomplish the desire less keen. With some, inhibitions and urges may be neutralized by other tendencies. But with every being the primal emotions are there. All men have an emotion to kill; when they strongly dislike some one they involuntarily wish he was dead. I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction. ~ Clarence Darrow

Men always think I'm too demanding... but all I ask is that they treat me like the goddess I am. ~ Kathy Shaskan

Bentley is a good bee with a shaky sense of direction and an appetite for mayhem. Just don't call him a drone. He hates that. ~ John Hopkins

They are tragic,' said Vetinari, 'and we laugh at their tragedy as we laugh at our own. The painted grin leers out at us from the darkness, mocking our insane belief in order, logic, status, the reality of reality. The mask knows that we are born on the banana skin that leads only to the open manhole cover of doom, and all we can hope for are the cheers of the crowd. ~ Terry Pratchett

Er, excuse me,' said the man as Nanny Ogg turned away, 'but what is that on your shoulders?'
'It's. . . a fur collar,' said Nanny.
'Excuse me, but I just saw it flick its tail.'
'Yes. I happen to believe in beauty without cruelty. ~ Terry Pratchett

He told me once that he didn't fear conscription as much as everyone else because the dozen bloodthirsty girls he was leaving behind were far more dangerous. ~ Victoria Aveyard

What's the worst that could happen?"
"Don't say that!" Bess and Corwin yelled at the same time.
"You two are so superstitious. ~ Georgette St. Clair

I could tell the raciest things these women had ever been involved in was a co-ed game of Connect Four. ~ Chelsea Handler

I gave a talk on the Brontë girls once when it was my turn to speak. I'm sorry I can't send you my notes on Charlotte and Emily -- I used them to kindle a fire in my stove-- there being no other paper in the house. I'd already burnt up my tide tables, the Book of Revelation and the story about Job. (From Isola Pribby to Juliet) ~ Mary Ann Shaffer & Annie Barrows

Being in love, as both Plato and David Bowie have pointed out, is horrible. ~ Stefano Benni

If Disney still wants to make Epcot Center futuristic, they could do so by blowing the place up with an atom bomb. ~ P. J. O'Rourke

Target your random acts of kindness, to keep a tally of who owes what ~ Josh Stern

It took my whole life to buy this stuff. ~ Chuck Palahniuk

Is this why you think you are chosen by God, because only you can understand the funnies that you make about yourself? ~ Jonathan Safran Foer

You make the Titanic look like a tiny little misadventure. ~ Gina Ranalli

My God," Hadrian said. "They finally did it! All those oh-so-cute-my-cuddly-kitten-here's-a-pic bastard! They finally went and did it! ~ Steven Erikson

The hardest thing about writing a novel is getting it published. ~ Marianne Cushing

What? You mean sex is a subject? That's something common even to a rat, in fact a rat exercise it at least five times a day. Let do some arithmetics. ~ Newton Omido

During the next week, everyone noticed that my appetite had improved, even Toddy.

"Are you done with your hunger strike?" he asked me curiously, one morning.
"Toddy, eat your breakfast."
"But I thought that was what it was called. When people don't eat."
"No, a hunger strike is for people in prison," Kitsey said coolly.
"Kitten," said Mr. Barbour, in a warning tone.
"Yes, but he ate three waffles yesterday," said Toddy, looking eagerly between his uninterested parents in an attempt to engage them. "I only ate two waffles. And this morning he ate a bowl of cereal and six pieces of bacon, but you said five pieces of bacon was too much for me. Why can't I have five pieces, too? ~ Donna Tartt

Civil government, so far as it is instituted for the security of property, is in reality instituted for the defense of the rich against the poor, or of those who have some property against those who have none at all. ~ Adam Smith

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely" ... It's a basic skill isn't it ... ~ Tim Vine

And the state of his bathroom
I'm not one to gossip, but there are things crusted on his sink that have not simply developed intelligent life, but have in all probability by now envolved their own political systems. ~ Neil Gaiman

LADY BRACKNELL
I had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now.
ALGERNON
I hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief. ~ Oscar Wilde

It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya. ~ George Carlin

I can follow pretty much every programming language out there, I can make a two-hundred-year-old diary out of some really nasty ingredients, I can even make sense out of the instruction booklets that come with IKEA furniture, but I can*not* make heads or tails of this nonsense right here. ~ Keith R.A. DeCandido

Gentlemen do not carry a cane or a hat? No gloves?"
"Gentleman may still wear them, but I'm afraid the problem is that there aren't many left. ~ Camilla Isley

Can you imagine how many people got laid in here? Abby said, walking to the other side of the Jacuzzi. ~ J.C. Joranco

But you're worried I'll get in trouble?" I try not to show how much this pleases me. I've managed to ignore him for days now and here I sit. Lapping up his attention like a neglected puppy. My voice takes on an edge. "Why do you care? I've ignored you for days."
His smile fades. He looks serious, mockingly so. "Yeah. You got to stop that."
I swallow back a laugh. "I can't."
"Why?" There's no humor in his eyes now, no mockery. "You like me. You want to be with me."
"I never said-"
"You didn't have to."
I inhale sharply. "Don't do this."
He looks at me so fiercely, so intently. Angry again. "I don't have friends. Do you see my hang with anyone besides my jerk cousins? That's for a reason. I keep people away on purpose," he growls. "But then you came along..."
I frown and shake my head.
His expression softens then, pulls at some part of me. His gaze travels my face, warming the core of me. "Whoever you are, Jacinda, you're someone I have to let in."
He doesn't say anything for a while, just studies me in that intense way. His nostrils flare, and again it's like he's taking in my scent or something. He continues, "Somehow, I think I know you. From the first moment I saw you, I felt that I knew you."
The words run through me, reminding me of when he let me escape in the mountains. He's good. Protective. I have nothing to fear from him, but everything to fear from his family.
I scoot closer, the draw of him too great. My w ~ Sophie Jordan

But you see, I am in a similar situation. I do not control the little devil sitting on my left shoulder. The devil is saying, "PRINT THE PICTURE PRINT THE PICTURE TAPE IT UP ALL OVER SCHOOL DO IT DO IT DO IT." And then on my right shoulder, there is a little tiny white angel. And the angel is saying, "Man, I sure as **** hope all those freshmen get their money bright and early on Monday morning."
So do I, little angel. So do I. ~ John Green

A half-blood of the eldest dogs ... "
"Er, Percy?" Annabeth interrupted. "That's gods. Not dogs. ~ Rick Riordan

After a dream like that, you're grateful that it was just a dream, that no matter how bad your actual life, it couldn't be worse than your dream life. ~ Brock Clarke

Shira turned and blew kisses toward her clients who had pressed their faces against the salon window like children in a candy store and she their Willy Wonka of beauty. ~ Terri Gillespie

What are you doing?" she asked.
"Getting naked."
"What the hells for?"
"So you can be comfortable getting naked, too, so we can get some sleep."
"How would that make me feel comfortable? In what universe would that make me feel comfortable?"
"You can see my scars."
"I don't want to see your scars! ~ G.A. Aiken

Just like credit card companies, or those student loan people. Now there's evil for you. ~ Jim Butcher

I FINALLY
had a hot night,
but it was only the weather. ~ Chocolate Waters

Come here." He gestures towards the door.
Would you get a load of this character?
Come here, he says, like I'll just do it.
I do. ~ A. Zavarelli

Take it from cats

If someone moves to make room for you, take up more room. If someone is looking over there, there's something to see. If somebody sneezes, run. If someone brings a bag into your home, look inside it. If you don't want someone to leave, sit on his suitcase. Clean between your toes. Flaunt your full figure. Hide loose change. Even though you can take care of yourself, it's okay to let someone be nice to you. It's fine to take a nap on the laundry. If you stand in a kitchen long enough, someone will feed you. If you're alone in bed, use all the pillows. Just because it's gorgeous outside doesn't mean you have to go outside. Just because you can fit into something tight doesn't mean that you belong in it. If you trust someone, open yourself like a cheap umbrella. If you want to be left alone, park yourself in a closet. If you want to surprise someone, lie in a bathtub and then jerk back the curtain when he sits on the toilet. If you're not interested, don't look interested. You don't have to chase every bird that you see. ~ Helen Ellis

I could think of no better place to secretly murder someone than inside a fridge. Well, actually there were probably several better ones, but none came to mind at the time. ~ Yahtzee Croshaw

Shit, the fun's over. The bad guys called the cops." -Micah ~ Kampar

His lips look like two worms fucking. ~ George R R Martin

Stand-up is an art but since it's humor and it's funny - a lot of guys that don't think it's art are probably coming from the angle that they don't want to take it so seriously. I've always looked at it as an art but I don't look at it as a pretentious art. I understand it has to be taken lightly because it is just comedy in the end, but the good stand-up comics are someone with something to say. ~ Mitch Hedberg