Howie Quotes

You know, back in the 1950s and '60s, when J. Edgar Hoover was making the FBI the respected organization it used to be, oftentimes they would find a fugitive and basically have his house surrounded, and then put out a press release saying he was on the top 10 most wanted list. And 10 minutes later, he'd be arrested. ~ Howie Carr

In the mid-1970s, there was this huge boom of stand-up comedy throughout North America. I went to see a show at a club called Yuk-Yuks, in Toronto, and I was just fascinated. I ended up coming back for amateur hour on a Monday at midnight and got up there without any thought as to what might come of it. ~ Howie Mandel

For his part, Jazz knew he was handsome. It had nothing to do with looking in the mirror, which he rarely did. It had everything to do with the way the girls at school looked at him, the way they became satellites when he walked by, their orbits contorted by his own mysterious gravity. If attention could be measured like the Doppler effect, girls would show a massive blue shift in his presence. In the last year or so, he had even remarked the scrutiny of older women - teachers, cashiers at stores, the woman who delivered UPS packages to his house. What had once been a maternal flavor in their glances had taken on a lingering, cool sort of appraisal. He could almost hear them thinking, Not yet. But soon.
Despite his upbringing, despite the infamy of his father, they still watched him. Or maybe because of it. Maybe Howie was right about bad boys. ~ Barry Lyga

I'm always on the verge of death in my head. ~ Howie Mandel

Logic has never been idealism's strong suit. Every time I'd pointed out some inequity in our realtionship to Joe, something as basic as who had first dibs on the car, he said, "What are you going to do? Call NOW?" as he drove away, laughing. He thought the National Organization of Women was a joke, and feminism itself hysterically funny. It wasn't funny. It was nothing less than self-determination. It's what, in the end, we were all after. Me, Margo, Howie, Joe. We wanted equality. We wanted justice. We wanted not to be controlled by the world as it was. ~ JoeAnn Hart

People who annoy people are the luckiest people in the world. ~ Howie Mandel

Pixar has announced Larry the Cable Guy will be starring in Cars 3 thru 6. Howie Mandel will be playing his sidekick, Mopey the Moped. ~ Andy Kindler

Some version of 'Deal or No Deal' airs in 120 countries. And they play it exactly the same way, with models and briefcases. It crosses language and culture and gender, because it's the simplest game in the world, and everyone wants to press their luck. ~ Howie Mandel

About 25 years ago, I started out as a reporter covering politics. And that sort of just evolved into organized crime, because organized crime and politics were the same thing in Boston. ~ Howie Carr

If you come to any of my live shows, you'll see, it's very frenetic. I have the attention span of a gnat. ~ Howie Mandel

The doctor heard my heartbeat and found out I had an irregular heartbeat. I was not symptomatic or aware of my symptoms. I had no idea that this could make me five times more likely to have a stroke than somebody who doesn't have this. ~ Howie Mandel

You know the green grifters have no argument when they start raising the 'no blood for oil' cry on the blogs. Excuse me, if Obama's make-sure-your-tires-are-properly-inflated administration would simply allow more energy production here in the U.S., that wouldn't be a problem very long, would it? ~ Howie Carr

After all these years, it's still amazing what Obama is allowed to get away with. He says low gas prices in 2009 were caused by a terrible economy, but then claims that the lower number of illegal aliens crossing the border is because of his border policies, not the same lousy economy. ~ Howie Carr

I think it's important for fans to be involved in all aspects of the game. We saw the league certainly make that move towards involving fans with pro bowl voting, I'm not sure that fan voting will ever be a part of the Hall of Fame, but it is always interesting to get the perspective of the fans. ~ Howie Long

I think the thrust of any child is to try to fit in and be part of it. And I can't tell you how many times my humor, you know, what I thought was humor ended up making me the outsider. Like I'd be, I go, 'It's a joke.' And they'd go, 'Well, what was funny?' And they just thought I was insane. ~ Howie Mandel

I once missed an appointment because I left my house, I locked the door. And then I thought, like anybody else, you know, 'I don't think I locked the door.' I just kept going back to the door. And I couldn't stop myself from checking and checking. ~ Howie Mandel

Even the best fall down sometimes. ~ Howie Day

Howie was unburdened with human ties or responsibilities. He bounced around from one loser job to another, his adult life spent in and out of trouble, jail and the workhouse without a care in the world. Howie ~ Dennis Carstens

What are the two biggest things online? Selfies and emojis. We're combining them. Instead of sending some character that means nothing with a hat - what if it was your face doing something? Me-moji. ~ Howie Mandel

Larry Bird just throws the ball in the air and God moves the basket underneath it. ~ Howie Chizek

When I went into Bobby's World, I had no idea it would be a success. I had been doing the Bobby voice as part of my nightclub adult act for years. ~ Howie Mandel

Scott Brown may be the last Republican to win a statewide fight in Massachusetts for a very long time. He caught the machine flat-footed in January 2010 when he out-hustled Martha Coakley and stole the Senate seat Ted Kennedy held all those years. And since then, the Democrats haven't lost a single statewide fight. ~ Howie Carr

Jazz opened his eyes.
Conner opened her eyes.
Howie opened his eyes. ~ Barry Lyga

Sports ideally teach discipline and commitment. They challenge you and build character for everything you do in life. ~ Howie Long

Yes," Howie said solemnly. "I can teach you how to be more 'street'".
"For God's sake…"
"Or is it 'urban'? I can't remember. Anyway, I can teach you, grasshopper. Or hip-hopper. ~ Barry Lyga

I can go to a lot of games, but I'm not a player. I'm kind of an observer. That's why I think I do what I do in life. I just observe. That's what I find fascinating. ~ Howie Mandel

In Montana, they renamed a town after an all-time great, Joe Montana. Well, a town in Massachusetts changed their name to honor my guy Terry Bradshaw
Marblehead. ~ Howie Long

We were a very small circle of writers. Everybody brought to the table their own life experience. ~ Howie Mandel

The day it comes out, there's already things that you start to go, 'Oh, I should have done that a little differently.' You start to make a list in your head. I actually write things down
what I'm going to do next time. ~ Howie Day

As an American citizen, I'm not asking for any special treatment - the only thing I ask and want is to be treated just like an Illegal Alien. ~ Howie Carr

I hate to say this, but at the time, (late 70's) it was like the smart people liked punk and the dumb people liked Journey. ~ Howie Klein

You must understand printing lies about Republican candidates is OK. It's called vetting. Printing the truth about liberals - that's called 'swift-boating'. ~ Howie Carr

'Deal or No Deal' works nicely with my ADD/ADHD symptoms. I show up, meet the contestants, and move around the set. I'm not stuck behind a pedestal reading trivia questions. I've always had problems sitting still and listening for long periods of time. The show spares me these challenges. I can live in the moment. It's like a standup act. ~ Howie Mandel

After I impulsively revealed that I have OCD on a talk show, I was devastated. I often do things without thinking. That's my ADD/ADHD talking. Out in public, after I did the show, people came to me and said, 'Me, too.' They were the most comforting words I've ever heard. ~ Howie Mandel

The higher someone's profile, the easier it is for a defendant to trade him up to the feds. Mr. Big is always a better catch than Mr. Small. ~ Howie Carr

An armed society is a free society. ~ Howie Carr

My perspective on my mother has changed immensely. She was a lot taller when I was younger. ~ Howie Mandel

I'm a huge fan of mine. I go to just about every show I do. ~ Howie Mandel

A little white woman, . . . [a] tiny little white woman I could fit in my pocket.' . . . 'And I don't know why I'm surprised. You don't even notice it – you never notice. You think it's normal. Everywhere we go, I'm alone in this… this sea of white. I barely know any black folk any more, Howie. My whole life is white. I don't see any black folk unless they be cleaning under my feet in the fucking café in your fucking college. Or pushing a fucking hospital bed through a corridor . . . 'I gave up my life for you. I don't even know who I am any more.' . . . 'Could you have found anybody less like me if you'd scoured the earth? . . . My leg weighs more than that woman. What have you made me look like in front of everybody in this town? You married a big black bitch and you run off with a fucking leprechaun? ~ Zadie Smith

I've had people come up to me, as home viewers, and tell me they were screaming at the TV, yelling at each other, yelling at the contestants. ~ Howie Mandel

My childlike qualities sometimes lead me to jump into projects without thinking of the consequences. ~ Howie Mandel

Standup keeps me grounded and keeps me in touch. I get to go from small towns to big cities, across Canada and the U.S., and you're out there and talking to people. You get a sense of what they respond to. ~ Howie Mandel

Michelle Obama - they don't call her Mooch-elle for nothing. ~ Howie Carr

I needed time to stand back and go through a lot more experience in life. Then I have something to write about, joke or to animate. ~ Howie Mandel

The success of any stand-up act comes out of life experience. ~ Howie Mandel

All you can do as an artist is just strive to make the best record you can and ride the rollercoaster as it goes up and down. ~ Howie Dorough

I think being a dad is scary. I mean, I'm not that grown-up myself. ~ Howie Mandel

I was totally involved in Bobby's World from the time we started the idea to sitting with the artists on how he would look, to the script meetings, the music, the lyrics, the songs. ~ Howie Mandel

Aggressive music has always been a liberator for me; however, hard tunes with no soul quickly wear thin. H.R. exhibited soul where it could not be found previously. His lyrics contributed an urgency fueled by spirituality and a call to social justice, which substantiated the ferocity of the Bad Brains' earth-shattering soundscapes. This included the instances when Bad Brains broke it down to a mesmerizing, skank-drenched reggae rhythm. H.R.'s vocal style was otherworldly; ever vacillating between combative and graceful expression; all the while thrusting forth a righteous dose of rebellion served with a side of hope. ~ Howie Abrams

Howie brought her hand to his lips. "You stepped in front of me," he said in wonder. "I didn't need you to. I can handle Prudence Morgan."
"But you didn't." She tapped his chest. "You stayed quiet for the longest time before responding."
"Quiet is how I handle difficult people…."
"You don't handle me that way." Her voice came out sounding breathless.
Howie slipped his arms around her. "If it were up to me, this is how I'd handle you."
Butterflies danced in her stomach. Not a fearful battering of wings, but a sparkling mating flight, making her heart soar into her throat. "Why isn't it up to you? ~ Debra Holland

Diana Ross saw me on Merv Griffin and hired me to be her opening act. ~ Howie Mandel

Now I have new stories and I feel refreshed. There is talk of Bobby's World eventually coming back. I would be happy to do that. ~ Howie Mandel

I use my mom's shampoo sometimes," I blurt out. "I know I shouldn't. I know it's lady shampoo. But it smells better than mine, and I think my hair might like it better, and – but that doesn't change the fact that that stuff, that's for chicks. And, that, that's probably
gay, isn't it? Like, at least a little."
"I don't know whether - "
"And I cried once listening to 'The Scientist' by Coldplay. I don't know, I was in sort of a lousy mood anyway, but it's not like that excuses that stuff. Like, that was gay, wasn't it? Guys don't just sit around and cry over Coldplay."
"Howie - "
"And I loved Mamma Mia. Like, loved it. Amber made me watch it with her on TV once, and I didn't want to, and she wound up thinking it was this sentimental piece of crap, but I loved it. It was all sunny and happy and there was all that blue sky and blue ocean, and everyone was just, like, so chill, all bouncing and singing and being so happy, and I just wanted to, I don't know, live there or something. Jump right into the screen and sing
backup to Dancing Queen. That's gay, right? That's queeriest queerdom. There's no way that's not totally gay. It's gay. It's so gay. I'm … I …"
"If I may," Arthur says.
I take a deep breath. "Yeah, okay."
"I don't like any of those things," Arthur says, "and I am gay. So maybe you're just
girly."
That?
That's his answer?
"I'm not girly," I say, affronted.
"Just an observation," Arthur replies innoc ~ Hannah Johnson

I may be more passionate about my comedy because that's the one place where I feel comfortable - because I'm in the now. Performing is the only time of the day when I have to really force every ounce of concentration into whatever's happening in that moment. ~ Howie Mandel

I know intellectually that if I shake somebody's hand that I'm not going to get sick and die. ~ Howie Mandel

Anyone who doesn't think the welfare-industrial complex is trying to increase dependency isn't paying attention. ~ Howie Carr

I have to be the only person in America who had a doctor say to him, 'Please don't put any more surgical gloves on your head and inflate them.' ~ Howie Mandel

I'm always in a hotel room, and I spend a good portion of my day setting it up so it's comfortable for me. Whether that means making paths out of towels so I don't touch the carpet or removing the comforters or just not touching things. Even sitting on a plane with a bunch of other people - it's really hard for me. ~ Howie Mandel

If we take care of our mental health like our dental health; we'll be ok. ~ Howie Mandel

She sighed. "What I wouldn't give for a civilized bathroom."
Howie remained silent out of habit and also because he didn't know what a civilized bathroom was. ~ Debra Holland

I think among the retired FBI agents there are some who would not like to see him come back, but I think the people running the FBI now are interested in catching him. ~ Howie Carr

I was kind of a misfit, actually. When you're young, you want to be like everybody else, and I was like nobody else. I couldn't sit still. I was impulsive. I still am. What is now called a 'talent' did not serve me well as a child. I didn't have friends. I was really an outcast. ~ Howie Mandel

Bobby's World touched a lot of people. That's why the family's last name is Generic. Uncle Ted is based on uncles we've all had. ~ Howie Mandel

But the indisputable fact is, a huge percentage of Obama's voters are basically wards of the state. There are millions of them, and they have no intention of voting for anyone who might want them to ever go out and work for a living - 'no matter what.' ~ Howie Carr

Abelardo, my manager, emerged from a stall. "What do you think, Howie?" he said; it was his standard greeting - one I was fond of.
"Abe, I don't know what to think," I said; my standard response. ~ Nicholson Baker

Should I push him or should I throw him?" Howie asks.
"Do what comes naturally," I yelled back.
"I don't know," he says. "This is a very unnatural thing. ~ Neal Shusterman

Stand-up comedy is a sickness. Who wouldn't want a room full of people laughing and screaming at you just because of who you are? Nothing is as good, except maybe having a baby. ~ Howie Mandel

I think the solution to making this world better is if we would just be healthy, mentally. ~ Howie Mandel

March 2008 the stock market had finally grasped what every mortgage bond salesman had long known: Someone had lost at least $240 billion. But who? Morgan Stanley still owned $13 billion or so in CDOs, courtesy of Howie Hubler. The idiots in Germany owned some, Wing Chau and CDO managers like him owned some ~ Michael Lewis

This isn't 'I do something for you, you do something for me'. This is hard-core friendship. Varsity level. This is me asking you to do something for me without getting anything in return. This is friendship, Howie. ~ Barry Lyga

My point of reference is life, in everything that I do. ~ Howie Mandel

Joe Biden was first elected to the Senate in 1972 at age 30. Somewhere around 1992, he should have had to go out and get a real job. ~ Howie Carr

I don't know if I'm teaching my kids right, but you have to go with your own instincts. You can't be so sure that other people are going to do right by you. ~ Howie Mandel

Stop what?" Howie demanded. "Stop loving you, Jazz? I wish I could quit you, but I can't. Someday, we'll run off to New York and get married, the way God intended it." Despite himself, Jasper cracked a grin. "Sorry, man my nips only go out about this far." He mimed a quarter inch. "Oh, well, in that case, nice to know ya… ~ Barry Lyga

It's really not that hard. If I do a Tonight Show, it's six or seven minutes. If I do a concert, it's 90 minutes. If I do an interview, that's 15 minutes. So by the end of the day I've done three hours worth of work. ~ Howie Mandel

There isn't anybody out there who doesn't have a mental health issue, whether it's depression, anxiety, or how to cope with relationships. Having OCD is not an embarrassment anymore - for me. Just know that there is help and your life could be better if you go out and seek the help. ~ Howie Mandel

You can go home with a lot of money with absolutely no skill. ~ Howie Mandel

I am beloved by millions. ~ Howie Mandel

There were 84 original episodes. It was rated No. 1 and No. 2 on the Fox Children's Network. We figured it was time to make it available to people who have never watched it. ~ Howie Mandel

Not according to this," Jazz said, taking the report. "No evidence of sexual activity or anything like it."
"Well, there's that," Howie said, sounding relieved. Jazz wondered at that - was it really so much better to be unmolested, but still murdered in a horrible fashion? To die in pain and terror, stripped, left in a field, your fingers cut off? But as long as you weren't raped, well, that was alright, then? Did it really matter at that point? ~ Barry Lyga

When I went to the Hall of Fame in 2000 and was inducted, it was a travesty the kind of carnage I saw out of these guys who were in their 50s and 60s, who had defined and in many ways laid the foundation for the NFL being what it is today. ~ Howie Long

Lik the tree falling in the forest," says Ira.
"Huh?"
"You know, the old question - if a tree falls in a forest and no one's there to hear it, does it really make a sound?"
Howie considers this. "Is it a pine forest, or oak?"
"What's the difference?"
"Oak is a much denser wood; it's more likely to be heard by someone on the freeway next to the forest where no one is. ~ Neal Shusterman

There's no skill. You can be a rock and move into another cash bracket. ~ Howie Mandel

Barack Obama is like the old joke about boats. The two best days of owning a boat are the day you buy it and the day you sell it. ~ Howie Carr

Howie?" Arthur says.

"What?"

"Why do you want me to freak out?" He asks it sort of gently, which makes it worse somehow.

"Because you make me freak out all the time." Maybe I'm not so totally chill, but whatever, whatever, I'm sick of it. "Like, honestly, I'm pretty sure I've started doing it professionally. Maybe you should start considering paying me extra. 'Cause seriously, dude, when it comes to freaking out about you, I am the master. I am friggin' incomparable, I got mad skills all over the place. And I don't think this is exactly mutual freaking out, like, I don't get the sense that I make you want to wither and die and explode. And that's okay. That's cool. I'm kind of going through a thing here that you probably went through a long time ago, unless you didn't go through it at all because you're just all together, like, you popped out of the womb, all, 'Thanks for squeezing me out, Mom; no more pussy for me. ~ Hannah Johnson

I particularly want you to meet Miss Bucholtz."
The very idea made him uneasy. "Why is that,
Ma'am?" he bluntly asked.
Mrs. Morgan hesitated. "Keep this under your hat, mind you."
"Yes, Ma'am."
She let out a tired sigh. "I've brought Miss Bucholtz to replace Mr. Gabellini."
Howie pictured a dried up old spinster with the same commanding presence as Mrs. Morgan, a real battle-axe.
"Fireworks are coming. Are you sure a woman is the right, uh, person for the job?"
"Bertha Bucholz is one of the best cooks I know. I guarantee by this time next month, you men will all be sporting five extra pounds. ~ Debra Holland

I'm fascinated by mankind. I grew up watching 'Candid Camera' and thought it was funnier than any standup, any joke, anything that could possibly be written because you're dealing with humanity. And people can relate to that. It touches everybody who sees it. It hits a nerve. ~ Howie Mandel

I used to think Cape Wind was a great idea. That was when Ted Kennedy was alive and railing about how he might spill his Chivas if he had to keep maneuvering the Mya around all those noisy seagull-murdering wind turbines. Anything Ted Kennedy was against, I was for. ~ Howie Carr

I've decided to get into shape, and the shape I've selected is a triangle. ~ Howie Mandel

Has there ever been anybody, real or fictional, whiter than Betty Crocker? ~ Howie Carr

Unlike 'Deal or No Deal,' which is for the entire family, my standup is not for the entire family. ~ Howie Mandel

I was always incredibly obsessed with germs and cleaning and taking shower after shower after shower. Even when I was very young, I wouldn't tie my shoelaces because they had touched the ground. I had continuous repetitive thoughts that I couldn't get past. As a child, my mind was a lot busier than I was. ~ Howie Mandel

I'm playing 10 feet from Mike Campbell every night. I look across the stage, there's Howie. Tom's in the middle and we're playing all this stuff I love. It's great. ~ Benmont Tench

Your words hurt, Jazz. They hurt like cotton balls thrown in my direction. ~ Barry Lyga

The goal of Football Rules & Positions In A Day For Dummies is to help you understand the basics of football rules and the player positions. ~ Howie Long

I am one of those people who is never satisfied, ... When I was a little kid, I made a spaceship out of a refrigerator box, and I was pissed off that it wouldn't fly. Couldn't be happy with it. It was pretty cool, too. ~ Howie Day

My whole life is a practical joke. Every evening and every show has really become about entertaining me. I was always like that. And now I've come full circle because that's what the TV show is too. ~ Howie Mandel

My parents both had a great sense of humor, and always laughed a lot. One night, when they were watching 'Candid Camera,' I finally understood what comedy was all about. I heard the laughter on television, I turned around and saw my parents laughing, and that's when I thought: 'This is great. This is what I can do. I'm gonna prank somebody.' ~ Howie Mandel

You look at the descriptions of Whitey by law enforcement during his early years, and they sum him up pretty well. He was the same guy 40 years later; he just had $40 million more, and had committed 40 more murders. ~ Howie Carr

Reporters used to be blue-collar; at the Globe now, it's practically required that you have a trust fund. ~ Howie Carr