Codependency Quotes

They are called stuckerpillers because they get stuck together. They depend so much on each other even when they become unhappy living together. They can't leave each other because they've become one. They lose their own identity and then they get confused. They become helpless. When one stuckerpiller wants to go in one direction and the other stuckerpiller wants to go in the opposite direction, they end up pulling against each other, never really getting anywhere. ~ Jacqueline Edgington

You learn to be friends with someone, get to really know them before you get all excited about the guy. You have to keep it tempered and figure out if you even like him, for who he is, not how he feels about you. I know it's not easy. Believe me, I know. But this thrill you feel.. is probably only there because things are new and uncertain. It's not about him. It's you, caught up in you. Your mind craves anxiety, the good exciting kind and the bad I-can't-function-at-work kind. You need to deprive your body and recognize that your propensity to chase codependency is leading you toward a fat, greasy life of miserable. ~ Stephanie Klein

With intimacy comes the possibility of "engulfment" or being taken hostage by the demands of others. We may have distorted perceptions of the "demands" and obligations placed upon us by those who claim to love us. Trusting that love to be unconditional is almost impossible for us, and we are always scanning for the unstated "subtext" or hidden "agenda" connected to this love. ~ Mary Crocker Cook

The man reeks of mental illness. I can taste his pathology... Goes well with my palette. ~ Juditta Salem

Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others. They react to their own problems, pains, and behaviors. ~ Melody Beattie

Everything happens because there was a lesson you needed to learn. Move on from the messenger they were not the lesson. Find the lesson and you will never repeat it again. ~ Tracy A Malone

Don't let fear of your unknown future paralyze you. You get to write the next chapter so get out your crayon. Dream it plan how you will get there and build it. ~ Tracy A Malone

The more we uncover who we are not and discard our disempowering unconscious behaviours, the more closely we can be in sync with our true, authentic selves. ~ Christopher Dines

One particularly harmful idea carried by our cultural narrative is that you need to find someone who will love you. Imagine if we believed this about any other basic need: food, water, oxygen. If you needed another person to provide you with those, you'd be considered dependent - if not disabled. Yet we so willingly put ourselves in this state with love. ~ Vironika Tugaleva

We breathe, Lily defends our relationship. My brows rise. Let's not kid ourselves. We struggle with our codependency on a daily basis. ~ Krista Ritchie

There are only two states of being in the world of codependency - recovery and denial. ~ Wendy Kaminer

Face your fears, by creating a plan. We are usually afraid of the unknown, so expose it, plan it and conquer your fears. ~ Tracy A Malone

Except for normal human emotions we would be feeling anyway, and twinges of discomfort as we begin to behave differently, recovery from codependency is exciting. It is liberating. It lets us be who we are. It lets other people be who they are. ~ Melody Beattie

It's so exhausting, so mentally and emotionally draining when you care about a drug addict and they never miss an opportunity to disappoint, manipulate or hurt you. ~ Oliver Markus Malloy

It's better to need someone because you love them than to love someone because you need them. ~ Darlene Lancer

When you forgive it means you are ready to walk away from the fight. ~ Tracy A Malone

misconceptions of narcissism as a black and white "thing" that people either "are," or "are not" is an oversimplified approach ~ Theresa Jackson

Don't give up hope. It took many of us twenty years or more to acquire these protective behaviors we umbrella with the word codependency. It may take as much time as that to let go of them. ~ Melody Beattie

Love is not emotional attachment or codependency. Love is being complete without needing to have another person by your side. ~ Cloris Kylie

Detachment also involves accepting reality - the facts. It requires faith - in ourselves, in God, in other people, and in the natural order and destiny of things in this world. We believe in the rightness and appropriateness of each moment. We release our burdens and cares, and give ourselves the freedom to enjoy life in spite of our unsolved problems. We trust that all is well in spite of the conflicts. We trust that Someone greater than ourselves knows, has ordained, and cares about what is happening. We understand that this Someone can do much more to solve the problem than we can. So we try to stay out of His way and let Him do it. In time, we know that all is well because we see how the strangest (and sometimes most painful) things work out for the best and for the benefit of everyone. ~ Melody Beattie

Guilt is imperative if we are to create and sustain a decent code of ethics and a sound moral compass. Guilt can help us to listen to our conscience, enhance empathy, and therefore have fulfilling relationships. Without guilt, we would live in an extremely dark world. However, misplaced guilt often triggers us to be over-apologetic and people-please. Many people repeat the word 'sorry' without needing to, while still others feel guilty for their very own existence. Emotionally wounded, shame-based people often feel that they are constantly 'getting in the way'. This stems from a sense of feeling unlovable. To ask for one's own needs to be met often results in a feeling of guilt. I call this misplaced guilt. Similarly, a person may feel guilty even if they have been abused or harmed by others. Misplaced guilt or excessive guilt stifles people's chances to live happily and peacefully. ~ Christopher Dines

You're what gives me strength. If I am what centers you, Nikki, then you are what anchors me. Every time I touch you, every time I bury myself deep inside you - Nikki, don't you see?
You are the talisman of my life, and if I lose my grip on you, then I have lost myself. ~ J. Kenner

I want him to see how hard my life is, how much easier he could make it, how unjust it is that he won't. I have this idea that he is a bad man who is stealing my time and energy - that is meant to be a feminist reading of what's happening, but the truth is I don't conceptualize my time as mine in the first place. He can't steal something that I don't consider my own. ~ Nina Renata Aron

You may feel scared when starting again. Pull out your bravery and blaze a new life. ~ Tracy A Malone

react is important here. However you approach codependency, however you define it, and from whatever frame of reference you choose to diagnose and treat it, codependency is primarily a reactionary process. Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, ~ Melody Beattie

Resist trying to be what other people want you to be. Anyone in your life who tries to change you is really saying: as I can't control myself I will try and control you. By the same token, don't attempt to control other people's behaviour - it's not your place. ~ David Stafford

Anxiously attached Codependents demonstrate the ability to maximize the attention they get from their partner, regardless of whether it is positive or negative (i.e., "I'd rather be screamed at than ignored"). Manipulation is used to keep the inattentive or inconsistent partner involved by alternating dramatic angry demands with needy dependence. When the partner is preoccupied and not paying attention, the anxious Codependent explodes in angry demands and behaviors that cannot be ignored. ~ Mary Crocker Cook

As empaths, we are not here to be sponges or enablers. We are here to be helpers, guides, and supporters. ~ Aletheia Luna

It is only when we feel deprived that we resent giving to others. Self-care does not mean you stop caring about others; it just means you start caring more about you. Start thinking about yourself more and others less. Since you have a choice between taking care of someone else, or giving to yourself, try choosing yourself sometimes. ~ Beverly Engel

Recovery [from codependency] may not always be comfortable at first for the other people in one's life. But it is always worth it because, actually, nobody ever respects a 'doormat'. ~ David Stafford

Ever since people first existed, they have been doing all the things we label "codependent." They have worried themselves sick about other people. They have tried to help in ways that didn't help. They have said yes when they meant no. They have tried to make other people see things their way. They have bent over backwards avoiding hurting people's feelings and, in so doing, have hurt themselves. They have been afraid to trust their feelings. They have believed lies and then felt betrayed. They have wanted to get even and punish others. They have felt so angry they wanted to kill. They have struggled for their rights while other people said they didn't have any. They have worn sackcloth because they didn't believe they deserved silk. ~ Melody Beattie

In fact, the moment that judgment stops through acceptance of what is, you are free of the mind. You have made room for love, for joy, for peace. First you stop judging yourself; then you stop judging your partner. The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way. That immediately takes you beyond ego. All mind games and all addictive clinging are then over. There are no victims and no perpetrators anymore, no accuser and accused. This is also the end of all codependency, of being drawn into somebody else's unconscious pattern and thereby enabling it to continue. You will ~ Eckhart Tolle

I was mad that I was so sensitive in the first place, trained in an empathy so granular and heartbreaking and Jewish, that my view on the family was so robust that I couldn't just be plain angry like a regular teenager. So inclined was I toward empathy and understanding that I didn't even know how I really felt about anything, whatever that even meant. I saw everything from everyone else's perspective and I felt bad and sad for us all. ~ Nina Renata Aron

I started getting Mal's texts just before lunch.
Mal: Awake
Anne: Morning
Mal: Going for a run with Jim
Anne: Have fun!
Mal: Back from run having lunch
...
Mal:Your taste in music sucks
Anne: Thanks
Mal: Seriously, we need to talk it's that bad. Everything apart from Stage Dive needs to go.
Anne: Wait. What are you doing?
Mal:Fixing it.
Anne: Mal, WTH are you doing?
Mal: Making you new playlist wih decent shit. Relay
Anne: K Thanks
Mal: Bored again
Mal: Ben's coming over to play Halo
Anne: Great! But you don't have to tell me everything you do, Mal
Mal: Davie says communication's important
Mal: When are you on the rag? Davie said to find out if you want cupcakes or ice cream
Anne: I want to not talk about this ever
Mal: Bored. Ben's late
Mal: Let's get a dog
Anne: Apartment has no pets rule
Mal: Nice green lace bra
Anne: Get out of my drawers, Mal.
Mal: Matching panties?
Anne: GET OUT NOW.
Mal: :)
Mal: sext me
Mal: Some on it'll be funny
Mal: Plz?
Mal: High level of unhealthy codependency traits exhibited by both parties relationship possibly bordeing on toxic
Anne: WTF?
Mal: Did magazine quiz. We need help- Especially you
Anne:...
Mal: Booking us couples counseling. Tues 4:15 alright?
Anne: We are not going to counseling.
Mal: What's wrong? Don't you love me anymore?
Anne: Turning ph ~ Kylie Scott

I believe in the two-way bridges we build that connect us to one another. I believe in the deep interconnectedness of everything, in the benefits of our codependency, and in the opportunity of today when we believe in a tomorrow. I believe in the gift that creative people are given and in the obligation to use it. I believe that we have done well, but I think we can do better. I believe we can do much, much better. There is more making to be done. There are dreams out there that must be made real. ~ Frank Chimero

Isms' are described as transference of addictive patterns of dysfunctional behaviour, passed down from generation to generation. For instance, if a mother was an alcoholic who never made it into recovery, her behaviour would leave a mark on her children, husband, etc. Unless her adult children join some sort of recovery programme and adopt the mindfulness practice, they will have very similar behaviour traits to their mother but minus the alcohol abuse. There is a strong possibility that they will become codependent and form relationships with other codependents or alcoholics. ~ Christopher Dines

When we let go of our reactions and detach from other people's moods, actions, and words, we take back our power. Instead of reactors, we become self-determined actors in our lives. We take charge of ourselves and decide how we act in that moment and every moment, skyrocketing our self-esteem ~ Darlene Lancer

We will martyr ourselves, suffering under the weight of a non-reciprocal relationship until some part of us bursts in protest. Suddenly, we lose our mind, and allowing ourselves to heap all manner of nastiness, name calling, patronizing, death threats on the "deserving" jerk who has it coming after all we do for him/her! As the final insult rings across the room and we regain consciousness, we are horrified by what has come out of our mouth. After all, we LOVE these people, and we quickly move into anxious terror that this time we have gone too far . . . this time we crossed the line and they will leave us. So, we hunker back down and the martyrdom begins again. It's a terrible cycle. ~ Mary Crocker Cook

For a true spiritual transformation to flourish, we must see beyond this tendency to mental self-flagellation. Spirituality based on self-hatred can never sustain itself. Generosity coming from self-hatred becomes martyrdom. Morality born of self-hatred becomes rigid repression. Love for others without the foundation of love for ourselves becomes a loss of boundaries, codependency, and a painful and fruitless search for intimacy. But when we contact, through meditation, our true nature, we can allow others to also find theirs. ~ Sharon Salzberg

My very best thinking led me to a therapist's office weeping and pleading for help regarding my alcoholism at the age of 19. I thought I could 'manage' my alcohol addiction, and I failed miserably until I asked for help. My older friends in recovery remind me that I looked like 'death' when I started attending support groups. I was not able to give eye contact, and I covered my eyes with a baseball cap. I had lost significant weight and was frightened to talk to strangers. I was beset with what the programme of Alcoholics Anonymous describes as 'the hideous Four Horseman – terror, bewilderment, frustration and despair'. Similarly, my very best thinking led me to have unhappy, co-dependent relationships. I can go on. The problem was I was dependent on my own counsel. I did not have a support system, let alone a group of sober people to brainstorm with. I just followed my own thinking without getting feedback. The first lesson I learned in recovery was that I needed to check in with sober and wiser people than me regarding my thinking. I still need to do this today. I need feedback from my support system. ~ Christopher Dines

A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior. ~ Melody Beattie

Tell me, is there someone in your life who's been sharing your life too closely? A friend or a loved one? Is there someone who's been taking up your time and not giving any of it back? ~ Alexandra Kleeman

Problems arise when people act as if their "boulders" are daily loads, and refuse help, or as if their "daily loads" are boulders they shouldn't have to carry. The results of these two instances are either perpetual pain or irresponsibility. ~ Henry Cloud

If we want to improve, first we have to recognize our own maladaptive coping skills, called codependency, then change. ~ David W. Earle

There are two questions a man must ask himself: The first is 'Where am I going?' and the second is 'Who will go with me?'
If you ever get these questions in the wrong order you are in trouble. ~ Sam Keen

Along with our over-giving is our own conditional giving pattern, which can fuel so much of our resentment and feelings of "victimization" by the people to whom we are giving. We may be completely unaware of our expectations of those we assist, and our own anger and resentment may catch us off guard. This is why our martyrdom is so hard on those around us. They are aware of the price we are exacting, even when we are in denial about our own motives and expectations. ~ Mary Crocker Cook

You might be too enmeshed with the other person, or "codependent," and you must learn to set better "boundaries."

The basic premise underlying this point of view is that the ideal relationship is one between two self-sufficient people who unite in a mature, respectful way while maintaining clear boundaries. If you develop a strong dependency on your partner, you are deficient in some way and are advised to work on yourself to become more "differentiated" and develop a "greater sense of self." The worst possible scenario is that you will end up needing your partner, which is equated with "addiction" to him or her, and addiction, we all know, is a dangerous prospect.

While the teachings of the codependency movement remain immensely helpful in dealing with family members who suffer from substance abuse (as was the initial intention), they can be misleading and even damaging when applied indiscriminately to all relationships. ~ Amir Levine

We Are Lovable
Even if the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still real, and you are still okay. - Codependent No More

Do you ever find yourself thinking: How could anyone possibly love me? For many of us, this is a deeply ingrained belief that can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Thinking we are unlovable can sabotage our relationships with co-workers, friends, family members, and other loved ones. This belief can cause us to choose, or stay in, relationships that are less than we deserve because we don't believe we deserve better. We may become desperate and cling as if a particular person was our last chance at love. We may become defensive and push people away. We may withdraw or constantly overreact. While growing up, many of us did not receive the unconditional love we deserved. Many of us were abandoned or neglected by important people in our life. We may have concluded that the reason we weren't loved was because we were unlovable. Blaming ourselves is an understandable reaction, but an inappropriate one. If others couldn't love us, or love us in ways that worked, that's not our fault. In recovery, we're learning to separate ourselves from the behavior of others. And we're learning to take responsibility for our healing, regardless of the people around us. Just as we may have believed that we're unlovable, we can become skilled at practicing the belief that we are lovable. This new belief will improve the quality of our rela ~ Melody Beattie

I'm constantly agitated, restless - I work moments like worry beads until I see your face ... ~ John Geddes

Because empaths can see the world through their partner's point of view, they frequently tend to completely mesh with the viewpoints of their abusers. So when an empath is told that he or she is uncaring from a narcissistic partner, the empath will genuinely feel as though they are a horrible person due to the fact that they can feel and embody the emotions of their partners. ~ Aletheia Luna

Allowing others to suffer the consequences of their own actions, without enabling them, is the best motivation for them to undertake the difficult task of change. ~ Darlene Lancer

The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance or your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way.
That immediately takes you beyond ego. All mind games and all addictive clinging are then over. There are no victims and no perpetrators anymore, no accuser and accused. This is also the end of codependency, of being drawn into somebody else's unconscious pattern and thereby enabling it to continue. You will then either separate - in love - or move ever more deeply into the Now together - into Being. Can it be that simple? Yes, it is that simple. ~ Eckhart Tolle

When you give another person the power to define you, then you also give them the power to control you. ~ Leslie Vernick

Meditation is a powerful practice which can help us to heal our emotional pain. To observe our thoughts and feelings requires willingness and gentleness. We cannot be rigid and harsh on ourselves and hope to feel serene. We have to be willing to go easy on ourselves. The only way to be present and gain the benefits of mindfulness is to love ourselves unconditionally. This is a gradual process. ~ Christopher Dines

But codependency is inappropriate, over-the-top loyalty, caring and supportiveness. ~ David Stafford

The psyche cannot tolerate a vacuum of love. In the severely abused or deprived child, pain, dis-ease, and violance rush in to fill the void. In the average person in our culture, who has been only "normally" deprived of touch, anxiety and an insatiable hunger for posessions replace the missing eros. The child lacking a sense of welcome, joyous belonging, gratuitous security, will learn to hoard the limited supply of affection. According to the law of psychic compensation, not being held leads to holding on, grasping, addiction, posessiveness. Gradually, things replace people as a source of pleasure and security. When the gift of belonging with is denied, the child learns that love means belongin to. To the degree we are arrested at this stage of development, the needy child will dominate our motivations. Other people and things (and there is fundamentally no difference) will be seen as existing solely for the purpose of "my" survival and satisfaction. "Mine" will become the most important word. ~ Sam Keen

There's always something in it for the person who is allowing to be taken advantage of. - Psychotherapist David in Type 1 Sociopath ~ P.A. Speers

Forget the past, you cannot change it. Always remember the lesson, and stay the hell away from your abuser. ~ Tracy A Malone

To love God more is never to love people less. It's to love people best. It's to relieve them of the responsibility of being your false Christ. It's to keep their sins against you from being unforgivable and your sins against them from being ignorable. It's to guard them from our mean-streaks and strong human tendencies to respond to disappointment with punishment. It's to keep the people close by from cutting their wrists on the razor-sharp blades of our insecurities. It's to dull the edge of our cravings to be adored. It's to untie the double knots of codependency. It's to let the affirmations of others be the overflow and not the essential source of our emotional survival. To love God is to guard man. ~ Beth Moore

In the democratic, egalitarian spirit of our day, we hold in suspicion positions of social authority, yet we submit to the power of peers. Social anxiety, peer group pressure, and competition all dictate our lives. Many are more afraid of offending their friends than they are of offending figures of authority. We have moved from a culture based upon hierarchy to a peerarchy. Ironically we flee from relational distinctions and boundaries, yet without these traditions and boundaries we become mired in codependency. ~ Mark Sayers

When I consider the men (like my father) I have treated in psychotherapy, I recognize the challenge I face as a counselor. These men are in counseling due to an insistent wife, troubled child or their own addiction. They suffer a lack of connection with the people they say they love most. Chronically accused of being over controlling or emotionally absent, they feel at sea when their wives and children claim to be lonely in their presence. How can these people feel "un-loved" when (from his perspective) he has dedicated his life to their welfare?

Some of these men will express their lack of vitality and emotional engagement though endless service. They are hyperaware of the moods, needs and prefer-ences of loved ones, yet their self-neglect can be profound. This text examines how a lack of secure early attachment with caregivers can result in the tendency to self-abandon while managing connections with significant others. Their anxiety and distrust of the connection of others will manifest in anxious monitoring, over-giving, passive aggressive approaches to anger and chronic worry. For them, failure to anticipate and meet the needs of others equals abandonment. ~ Mary Crocker Cook

So many mothers are unable to let their children go into the adult life and become literally attached to them giving rise to codependency ~ Sunday Adelaja

Healthy levels of narcissism and self-enhancement are necessary, with a low level of self-enhancement being detrimental to our wellbeing and success. ~ Theresa Jackson

This dissociation from the body extends to emotional disengagement. Without access to his feelings a man can't help but lose track of who he is, what his priorities are and what is normal for him. ~ Mary Crocker Cook

When you recover from Narcissistic abuse, look for courage in your heart. You can rebuild as long as you never surrender. ~ Tracy A Malone

At its heart, Codependency is a set of behaviors developed to manage the anxiety that comes when our primary attachments are formed with people who are inconsistent or unavailable in their response to us. Our anxiety-based responses to life can include over-reactivity, image management, unrealistic beliefs about our limits, and attempts to control the reality of others to the point where we lose our boundaries, self-esteem, and even our own reality. Ultimately, Codependency is a chronic stress disease, which can devastate our immune system and lead to systemic and even life-threatening illness. ~ Mary Crocker Cook

The majority of research I've reviewed describes an intense male value on inde-pendence and what appears to be an almost phobic response to dependence. In fact, for many men it's not even an option to ask for assistance or to admit they "don't know." This places tremendous pressure on men to deny their vulnerability and need for information which makes detachment from relationships easier. ~ Mary Crocker Cook

Fear in the biblical sense ... includes being afraid of someone, but it extends to holding someone in awe, being controlled or mastered by people, worshipping other people, putting your trust in people, or needing people. ~ Edward T. Welch

Your mother doesn't need a diagnosis for you to determine that your relationship is unhealthy. ~ ✨Diane Metcalf

The greatest gift we give ourselves is to give up the need for vindication. Trust in karma, move on and learn to let go. ~ Tracy A Malone