Ron White Quotes

I only like the live audience. I don't even like to do standup where it's being filmed. Because it affects the way the audience responds to what you say, because it makes them uncomfortable. You have to perform in a light room, and I prefer a dark room. But I love to perform, and I don't really see myself doing any television at all.

I had the right to remain silent ... but I didn't have the ability.

I don't do any corporate work.

I don't have a specific plan except for as long as people want to listen to me talk, I'm going to keep talking. I can't imagine a life without doing standup.

My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.

When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.

You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered.

You can't ride home on a bowl of goat.

They call me Tater Salad

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

If you kill someone in Texas, we'll kill ya back.

I've never been one to look up the ladder. I've always looked down the ladder. As long as there's one guy down there, I'm fine.

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who's life is givin' them vodka and have a party!

From the very beginning I started with a beer and a cigarette because I couldn't figure out what to do with my hands. So usually I have a beer and cigarette and that's what I was doing with my hands because that looked natural and felt good.

Everybody I know is a joke writer.

You can only do two things with your life: give it away or throw it away.

I was considered by my peers to be a good comedian. So that's all I ever strived to do was get some recognition from my peers.

I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally try it and it'll kill them. I got to give them more credit.

I didn't want to be DRUNK. IN. PUBLIC. I wanted to be drunk in a BAR. I was THROWN. into. public.

I was a huge fan of comedy when I was a child.

We have hearing aids in order to fix our ears. We have lasik surgery in order to fix our eyes. People ... you can't fix stupid!

Star Wars Episode Three (And One Quarter): Revenge Of The Hicks

There are two kinds of comics; there are the ones who build bridges, and then there are the people who walk across the bridges as though they built them. The bridge builders are few and far between.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade ...

I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow.

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. It's like anything else. It's a muscle you have to exercise. I write more now than ever.

The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.

My goal is just to become a better comedian.

It's something that's really fun to do. It's a family business.

I don't even plan things until later, so no I got no plans.

I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up ... for a minute!

I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there.

There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years.

In my Comedy Club sets, I just work on what is fresh and try to build that show as long as I can. I don't like to do burnt material on stage. Even though my crowd loves to hear me do old stuff, I don't like to do old stuff.

The arresting officer-who I had literally known all my life, you know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down from me in a town of less than 400 people. We've met. Anyway, at the station, he asks me if I have any aliases. And I was just being a smartass and said, "Yeah, they call me ... Tater Salad." Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed to a bench with blood coming out my nose, this cop comes up to me and says, "Are you Ron ... 'Tater Salad' White?"

I'm a comedian, and I like to work on my live show, and if I'm doing television, I don't have time to work on my live show, and I can become a lame comic, and that sucks.

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out.

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.

The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.

I have had a front row seat to observe Darren's success over the last few years and never fully knew the keys to his achievement. He has unselfishly revealed his secrets with The Compound Effect so that others can learn from his success. In my eyes, it is more valuable than gold!

I did have a deal for a little while a cigar company that never really materialized that much, except that I ended up with 100 boxes of my own cigars with my signature on them. Which is great, they are wonderful cigars but they never really fulfilled out so now I'm out of it. I can sign up with somebody else or go pick a blend or whatever. I probably will, there is no sense in not doing it.