The Colbert Report Quotes

In a world divided by chimpophiles and bonobophiles, we all had a good laugh when Stephen peeled his banana. (62) ~ Frans De Waal

I still can't believe that I went on 'The Colbert Report' myself; for the appearance I wore a lot of makeup, my hair was curled like a poodle's, and I could barely breathe in my Spanx undergarments. But, hey - an authoress has to lean in, right? ~ Edan Lepucki

Both 'The Daily Show' and 'The Colbert Report,' you're working with the best. When you work with the best, you have to raise your game. If you're working with people who are sub par, you're not forced to give 100 percent because you can get by on 80 percent. ~ Nate Corddry

Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it "The No Fact Zone." Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term. ~ Stephen Colbert

I recognize that I'm probably the luckiest novelist in recent memory, because Sherman Alexie, a writer I greatly admire, raved about my book on 'The Colbert Report,' and then Mr. Colbert himself urged his viewers to buy it - on his show and on Twitter. ~ Edan Lepucki

That was perfect, because Tracey knows Jon better than anybody, and what he might really want, and what he's capable of saying he wants. Plus, also, I think in the back of both my head and Stephen's was, if Jon is really pissed afterward, we can say, "Hey, Tracey said it was okay!"

STEPHEN COLBERT: Find somebody to throw under the bus - that's the first rule of show business. ~ Chris Smith

Claudette Colbert was not Hollywood's greatest beauty, but her trim little figure, round, kitten-like face, and obviously intelligent good humor made her a bit of a sex symbol, much to her own surprise. By 1934 she'd adopted the hairstyle she kept for life: a short, auburn bob with a fringe of bangs. Although a partygoer and social animal, Claudette was also known as a tough-as-nails professional, overseeing her lighting and camera angles. Her right profile was known as "the dark side of the moon," and scenes had to be staged so as not to show it. She was also self-conscious about her short neck - directing her in a 1956 TV show, Noël Coward reportedly snapped, "If only Claudette Colbert had a neck, I'd wring it!" "When it comes to details, I'm a horror," she admitted cheerfully, though downplaying the profile story. "Why not have your good side showing? ~ Eve Golden

Our lazy embrace of Stewart and Colbert is a testament to our own impoverished comic standards. We have come to accept coy mockery as genuine subversion and snarky mimesis as originality. It would be more accurate to describe our golden age of political comedy as the peak output of a lucrative corporate plantation whose chief export is a cheap and powerful opiate for progressive angst and rage. ~ Steve Almond

'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'. ~ Stephen Colbert

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don't learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying "yes" begins things. Saying "yes" is how things grow. Saying "yes" leads to knowledge. "Yes" is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say "yes'. ~ Stephen Colbert

It's time for me to give out an award to newly elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner was elected just a few days ago to reform House Republicans, who are feeling the heat from lobbyist scandals. Well, CNN found out that he rents his two-bedroom apartment from a lobbyist who had clients who had interests in legislation that Boehner sponsored. And for that, Mr. Boehner, you've just won a pair of Stephen Colbert's big brass balls. ~ Stephen Colbert

Everything in nature has found a niche, a perfect harmony of balance. Man need to find his niche, his perfect balance, where he fits in the natural cycle ~ Stephen Colbert

If I'm doing a talk show or an interview, or pretty much anything where I can't control the context, I'm loath to do the character. ~ Stephen Colbert

I spent my first two years at a small all-male college in Virginia called Hampden-Sydney. That was like going to college 120 years ago. The languages, a year of rhetoric, all of the great books, Western Man courses, stuff like that. ~ Stephen Colbert

I hope people'll find out pretty quickly that the guy they saw for 10 years was my sense of humor the whole time. ~ Stephen Colbert

I stand by this man (President George W. Bush). I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound.. with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world. ~ Stephen Colbert

I love Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart because they're bringing irony back into American humor, which is a delicious treat. The entire Colbert persona of being extreme right-wing when he's not at all is highly amusing. He does it so well, but sometimes a little too well. My wife is convinced he's completely that way. ~ John Lydon

Letter 90


When I used to sit up late at night writing in our bed, I was calmed by the sound of your breathing. I would hold my breath and watch your chest rise and fall. I felt like a blind man soothed by the scents and sounds of a garden.

As I lie here in bed writing this letter, there is only the sound of my own breathing.

When I hold my breath, there is only silence.

Tonight I feel like a miner being lowered farther and farther into a dark mine shaft, longing for the scents and the sounds of a garden. ~ Gregory Colbert

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes. ~ Stephen Colbert

Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche. ~ Stephen Colbert

I love the earth. If you ask me it's the greatest planet in the world. ~ Stephen Colbert

Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support. ~ Stephen Colbert

I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry. ~ Stephen Colbert

Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it from our cold dead minds. ~ Stephen Colbert

There are different levels of trust, and I need to get back to the point where he trusts me so much he no longer has to say it aloud. ~ Brandy Colbert

The stars you see at night are the unblinking eyes of sleeping elephants, who sleep with one eye open to best keep watch over us. ~ Gregory Colbert

You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day? ~ Stephen Colbert

I bet you think an egg is something you casually order for breakfast when you can't think of anything else. Well, so did I once, but that was before the egg and I. ~ Claudette Colbert

Don't get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother's
responsibility. It's a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope. ~ Stephen Colbert

Republicans will need to work hard to capture the Latino vote instead of their current strategy of capturing Latinos. ~ Stephen Colbert

We will try to honor David Letterman achievement by doing the best show we can.And occasionally making the network very mad at us. ~ Stephen Colbert

The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear ~ Stephen Colbert

Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will. ~ Stephen Colbert

Evil exists because of the disobedience of Satan. God gave Satan, and the angels, and man free will. Satan used his free will and abused it by not obeying authority. Hell was created by Satan's disobedience to God, and his purposeful removal from God's love - which is what hell is. Removing yourself from God's love. You send yourself to hell. God does not send you there. ~ Stephen Colbert

Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high! ~ Stephen Colbert

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin. If that ever happens, it's only because something happened during the interview that got me going, and then I had to translate my feelings to the mouth of the character. ~ Stephen Colbert

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge ... or when I want to create some. ~ Stephen Colbert

I know what's best for me, after all I have been in the Claudette Colbert business longer than anybody. ~ Claudette Colbert

We all know why [the generals] are so critical of the defense secretary. They're being defensive because they weren't able to implement his brilliant plan [on screen: Operation 'Greet Us As Liberators']. It was so simple: Go in with 100,000 troops, topple the regime, everybody loves us, and we leave by Easter 2003. These ex-military men have their right to their opinions, that's fine. They just shouldn't voice them during a war [on screen: 'Loose Lips Sink Approval Ratings'] ~ Stephen Colbert

Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all. ~ Stephen Colbert

To quote from another gospel, DUNE by Frank Herbert, 'Fear is the mind-killer.' ... Jesus was the original Muad'dib. ~ Stephen Colbert

Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists. ~ Stephen Colbert

Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire triangle: Oxygen, heat and fuel. Fire needs all three to exist. It's like the three branches of our government: Legislative, judicial and executive. The fewer there are, the safer we are. ~ Stephen Colbert