Stephen Colbert Quotes

Unfortunately, most of today's women resemble bowerbirds that force
suitors to build elaborate nests of twigs, leaves, and discarded garbage before choosing a mate. Any male who doesn't meet her standards doesn't get to mate that year; one assumes he just stays in his bower, reads bower manuals, and watches bowerbird porn. ~ Stephen Colbert

Had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention. ~ Stephen Colbert

My mom kind of led me toward acting. She wanted to be an actress when she was younger. That made me interested in it when I was a kid, because she and I are very close. ~ Stephen Colbert

Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands ... ~ Stephen Colbert

You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They - they criticize what you say but they never give you credit for how loud you say it. ~ Stephen Colbert

If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over with a cocktail. ~ Stephen Colbert

It's hard to swallow your pride. That's why I slather mine in mayonnaise. ~ Stephen Colbert

There once was a man name Barack,
Whose re-election came as a shock.
He raised the taxes I pay,
And then turned marriage gay.
And now he's coming after your glock. ~ Stephen Colbert

The most common thing that real reporters say to me is, "I wish I could say what you say." What I don't understand is, why can't they say what I say, even in their own way? Does that mean they want to be able to name certain bald contradictions or hypocrisies that politicians have? ~ Stephen Colbert

I won't be doing the new show in character, so we'll all get to find out how much of him was me. I'm looking forward to it. ~ Stephen Colbert

I have a doctorate in fine arts from Knox College in Illinois. All I did was give a speech, and now everybody has to call me Dr. Colbert. ~ Stephen Colbert

We all know why [the generals] are so critical of the defense secretary. They're being defensive because they weren't able to implement his brilliant plan [on screen: Operation 'Greet Us As Liberators']. It was so simple: Go in with 100,000 troops, topple the regime, everybody loves us, and we leave by Easter 2003. These ex-military men have their right to their opinions, that's fine. They just shouldn't voice them during a war [on screen: 'Loose Lips Sink Approval Ratings'] ~ Stephen Colbert

It's time for me to give out an award to newly elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner was elected just a few days ago to reform House Republicans, who are feeling the heat from lobbyist scandals. Well, CNN found out that he rents his two-bedroom apartment from a lobbyist who had clients who had interests in legislation that Boehner sponsored. And for that, Mr. Boehner, you've just won a pair of Stephen Colbert's big brass balls. ~ Stephen Colbert

Facebook stock continues to plummet. People started selling once they found out their mom bought it too. ~ Stephen Colbert

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes. ~ Stephen Colbert

Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal. ~ Stephen Colbert

Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote. ~ Stephen Colbert

I've said it before: equations are the devil's sentences. The worst one is that quadratic equation, an infernal salad of numbers, letters, and symbols. ~ Stephen Colbert

Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American. ~ Stephen Colbert

'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'. ~ Stephen Colbert

Everything in nature has found a niche, a perfect harmony of balance. Man need to find his niche, his perfect balance, where he fits in the natural cycle ~ Stephen Colbert

It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate. ~ Stephen Colbert

And that brings us to tonight's word: Truthiness. Now I'm sure some of the word-police, the 'wordanistas' over at Websters, are gonna say, 'Hey, that's not a word!' Well, anybody who knows me knows that I am no fan of dictionaries or reference books. They're elitist. Constantly telling us what is or isn't true, what did or didn't happen. ~ Stephen Colbert

Why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get. ~ Stephen Colbert

Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'. ~ Stephen Colbert

Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt. ~ Stephen Colbert

I'm a junkie for exhaustion, and I'm a junkie for setting up my expectations too high and then trying to meet them. ~ Stephen Colbert

If we raise taxes on corporations, what incentive will they have to make money other than the fact that it's the sole reason they exist. ~ Stephen Colbert

News for the godless: religion is inescapable. there has never been a human society without some form of worship. And don't point to communist societies like the Soviet Union - they worshipped blue jeans. ~ Stephen Colbert

I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law. ~ Stephen Colbert

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it. ~ Stephen Colbert

I believe all God's creatures have a soul ... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines! ~ Stephen Colbert

The goal is to have fun with my friends.And that means sometimes talking about things that you care about. ~ Stephen Colbert

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space. ~ Stephen Colbert

Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE. ~ Stephen Colbert

Vodka eyeballing sounds great, but it's a
slippery slope. Next, you'll be scotch nostriling, tequila nippling and,
before you know it, Jager tainting. ~ Stephen Colbert

The only thing that I don't like is my kids watching comedy that isn't actually funny. There's a lot of supposed tween comedy on TV that isn't particularly funny, but it's got a lot of laugh track. And I go, 'Please don't watch that. Please just watch something that's actually funny.' ~ Stephen Colbert

Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family! ~ Stephen Colbert

All I can do is today and tomorrow and have some idea of what we're doing next week. That's all I can worry about. ~ Stephen Colbert

New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman. ~ Stephen Colbert

When I read books it's to escape. It's so I don't have to talk to people. ~ Stephen Colbert

If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable. ~ Stephen Colbert

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias. ~ Stephen Colbert

I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable "on notice"? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight? ~ Stephen Colbert

Everybody loves dogs. They're the pizza of the animal kingdom. ~ Stephen Colbert

Make no mistake: I love women. I'm married to one, I was birthed by one, and I played one in my high school production of 'Romeo and Juliet.' No one else could fit into the bodice. ~ Stephen Colbert

It's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time. ~ Stephen Colbert

President Bush has embarked on an eight-day tour of the continent. He hopes this one goes better than the other ones he's made recently. Obviously he's not doing that well in North America [on screen: '36% Approval'], his South American trip had a few bumps [on screen: 'Angry mobs of torch-carrying bumps'], Europe seems to think the president doesn't care what they think, but hey, who cares what they think? They could at least thank him for what he's done for their burning effigy industry. ~ Stephen Colbert

Apply Truth liberally to the inflamed area. ~ Stephen Colbert

The trouble with the jokes is that once they're written, I know how they're supposed to work, and all I can do is not hit them. I'm more comfortable improvising. If I have just two or three ideas and I know how the character feels, what the character wants, everything in between is like trapeze work. ~ Stephen Colbert

Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche. ~ Stephen Colbert

My father always wanted to be 'Col-bear.' He lived in the same town as his father, and his father didn't like the idea of the name with the French pronunciation. So my father said to us, 'Do what you want. You're not going to offend anybody.' And he was dead long before I made my decision. ~ Stephen Colbert

Librarians hoard the wisdom of humanity. They are the keepers of all knowledge, the guardians at the temples of understanding and devoted protectors of the sanctuary in the midst of uneducated anarchy. ~ Stephen Colbert

Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support. ~ Stephen Colbert

The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear ~ Stephen Colbert

Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals. ~ Stephen Colbert

The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian. ~ Stephen Colbert

Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob. ~ Stephen Colbert

Yesterday in a 25 to 24 vote, Republicans welcomed back Lott back into their leadership and named him minority whip. That is great for Trent. They say minority whip is a stepping stone to Grand Wizard. ~ Stephen Colbert

I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of discovery, the improvising. ~ Stephen Colbert

I don't perceive my role as a newsman at all. I'm a comedian from stem to stern. You can cut me open and count the rings of jokes. ~ Stephen Colbert

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach ... just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage. ~ Stephen Colbert

It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game. ~ Stephen Colbert

Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once. ~ Stephen Colbert

Live live to the fullest! Or else...you won't. ~ Stephen Colbert

If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke. ~ Stephen Colbert

Yeah, Silver and his math are jokes, because math has a liberal bias. After all, math is the reason Mitt Romney's tax plan doesn't add up. ~ Stephen Colbert

You shouldn't listen to us at all if you're looking for information. We don't take ourselves seriously on any level; we're just comedians. ~ Stephen Colbert

Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil. ~ Stephen Colbert

In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.' ~ Stephen Colbert

Don't let your girlfriend cut your hair! ~ Stephen Colbert

Hey, single malt scotch, youre thirty years old. When are you going to settle down and get married to my stomach? ~ Stephen Colbert

I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it. And lastly, the best career advice I can give you is to get your own TV show. It pays well, the hours are good, and you are famous. And eventually some very nice people will give you a doctorate in fine arts for doing jack squat. ~ Stephen Colbert

I believe that people, more often than not, act with the best possible intentions. And when they don't, that's funny to me. That's why comedy ends up seeming cynical, because you're talking about the gap between what people say and what they do. ~ Stephen Colbert

Dreams can change, if we all stuck with our first dreams there would be a lot of cowboys and princesses running around. ~ Stephen Colbert

Let freedom ka-ching ... Corporations do everything people do except breathe, die and go to jail for dumping 1.3 million pounds of PCBs in the Hudson River. ~ Stephen Colbert

I gotta tell you, I do not envy whoever they try to put in David Letterman's chair. Folks those are some huge shoes to fill, and some really big pants. ~ Stephen Colbert

The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. ~ Stephen Colbert

You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner! ~ Stephen Colbert

If God wanted us to get high, he'd have created plants that became psychoactive when eaten or smoked. ~ Stephen Colbert

Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along. ~ Stephen Colbert

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate. ~ Stephen Colbert

Warmth is to sun, as truth is to me. ~ Stephen Colbert

I loved George Carlin and Dean Martin. I was one of those kids who had every comedy album. ~ Stephen Colbert

Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will. ~ Stephen Colbert

Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire triangle: Oxygen, heat and fuel. Fire needs all three to exist. It's like the three branches of our government: Legislative, judicial and executive. The fewer there are, the safer we are. ~ Stephen Colbert

I'm just very interested in what my guests have to say. You have to be vigilant to stay ignorant. ~ Stephen Colbert

It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick. ~ Stephen Colbert

The truthiness is, anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news 'at' you. ~ Stephen Colbert

We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and Republicans alike ... We voted for the people who voted for it, and then voted for the people who reauthorized it, then voted for the people who re-re-authorize d it. ~ Stephen Colbert

You can't really be passionately moderate. It's like wearing an 'Extra Medium' - it doesn't exist. ~ Stephen Colbert

In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars. ~ Stephen Colbert

The more you know, the sadder you get. ~ Stephen Colbert

Marijuana is a gateway drug that can lead to awful things, like Phish getting back together. ~ Stephen Colbert

Religion forces every individual to take responsibility. Specifically, take it away from yourself and give it to God. If we had to be accountable for every one of our actions, we'd be crippled with indecision. But with religion pointing the way, we can feel confident in our choice to picket our children's elementary school when we find out the art teacher is gay. ~ Stephen Colbert

I love Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart because they're bringing irony back into American humor, which is a delicious treat. The entire Colbert persona of being extreme right-wing when he's not at all is highly amusing. He does it so well, but sometimes a little too well. My wife is convinced he's completely that way. ~ John Lydon

I don't accept the status quo. I do accept Visa, MasterCard, or American Express. ~ Stephen Colbert

Late-night shows are 'Chopped.' Who are your guests tonight? Your guests tonight are veal tongue, coffee grounds and gummy bears. There, make a show ... Make an appetizer that appeals to millions of people. That's what I like. How could you possibly do it? Oh, you bring in your own flavors. Your own house band is another flavor. ~ Stephen Colbert

If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself. ~ Stephen Colbert

Republicans: the party that brought us 'Just Say No.' First as a drug policy, then as their entire platform. ~ Stephen Colbert