Evanovich Quotes

I guessed my mother figured if my father got right down to the task of eating he wouldn't be so inclined to jump up and strangle my grandmother. ~ Janet Evanovich

It was two whacked-out guys who said they always wanted to kidnap a midget. ~ Janet Evanovich

Office. "Freaking glorious." I hefted my bag higher on my shoulder and I headed out. Tank was standing guard on the sidewalk, in front of my car. "I have a couple FTAs," I said to Tank. "One's in the Burg and one's in Hamilton Township. I have to stop at my apartment first to get some clean clothes and stuff." "It might be easier if we took one car for the busts," Tank said. I agreed. "Do you want to drive or ride shotgun?" Tank's eyebrows raised a fraction of an inch. Shocked that I would even consider driving. Tank only rode shotgun to Ranger. "It's the twenty-first century," I told Tank. "Women drive." "Only in my bed," Tank said. "Never in my car." I didn't have a reply to that, but I thought it sounded like an okay philosophy. So I beeped the Escape locked, got into Tank's SUV, and we chugged off for my place. ~ Janet Evanovich

I like being able to provide consistent and frequent literary choices for my fans. ~ Janet Evanovich

I thought you didn't drink coffee," I said to Ranger. "What about your body being a temple?"
He sipped at the coffee. "It's my disguise. It goes with the haircut."
"Will you let your hair grow back?"
"Probably."
"And then you'll stop drinking coffee?"
"You ask a lot of questions," Ranger said.
"Just trying to figure this out. ~ Janet Evanovich

I can't wear this," she said from inside the dressing room. "It's too small."
"Let's see," Nick said. "Come on out."
"Get me a bigger size. A lot bigger."
Nick opened the door and looked in at Kate. "Whoa," he said on a gush of air. His pupils dilated to the point where his brown eyes were almost totally black, and Kate decided the dress must look better than she'd first thought.
"Well?" she asked.
"I think I'm in love," Nick said. "But then my brain isn't completely engaged right now. That's not where the blood is flowing."
"Too much information" Kate said. "It would have been enough to tell me I look okay."
"Honey you look a lot better than okay."
"You don't think I look slutty?"
"Not at these prices," Nick said. ~ Janet Evanovich

I always wanted to eat with a Negro," Grandma said.
Yeah, well I always wanted to eat with a boney-assed old white woman," Lula said. "So I guess this works out good. ~ Janet Evanovich

Like I said before, kids were okay from a distance, but I didn't think they'd ever replace hamsters. ~ Janet Evanovich

I had an alarm, I had nerve gas, I had a yogurt. What more could anyone want? ~ Janet Evanovich

I rolled my eyes so far into the back of my head I saw myself Thinking- Stephanie Plum High Five ~ Janet Evanovich

I wanted to tell you I ... uh, like you." Shit. I chickened out! What was it with me that I couldn't say the big L word? I am such a dope.
Morelli sighed into the phone. "You are such a dope. ~ Janet Evanovich

You have no spirit of culinary adventure. You need to be more like that snarky guy on the Travel Channel. He goes all over the world eating kangaroo a**holes and snail throw-up. He'd eat anything. He don't care how sick he gets. He's another one of my role models, except he needs ironing. ~ Janet Evanovich

I was waiting for my body receipt when Morelli walked in. He nodded to Ranger and grinned at me in my whiteness.
"I was at my desk, and Mickey told me I had to come out to take a look," Morelli said.
"It's floor," I told him.
"I can see that. If we add some milk and eggs, we can turn you into a cake. ~ Janet Evanovich

She hadn't been touched by anyone in almost two years. Now Zeus was climbing all over her like she was Mount Olympus. ~ Stephanie Evanovich

Jesus, Morelli, you sound like you have PMS. You have to learn to lighten up a little. It's just a car alarm. You should be thanking me. I had it installed with my own money. ~ Janet Evanovich

Are you afraid of me?
Uh ... yes.'
The smile stayed fixed in place. 'You should be. You locked me in a refrigerator truck with three dead people. Sooner or later I'm going to get you for it. ~ Janet Evanovich

Nothing Personal? You've harrassed my mother, stolen my car, and now you're telling people I've gotten you pregnant! In my opinion, getting someone pregnant is pretty fucking personal! Jesus, isn't it enough I'm accused of murder? What are you the bounty hunter from hell? ~ Janet Evanovich

I'd do the lifting, but I just got a manicure. And I notice you don't have a manicure at all. Only thing noticeable about your hands is the missing tan on your ring finger that I don't care about. -Lula ~ Janet Evanovich

I've been under a lot of stress lately." "You know what I do when I got stress?" Lula said. "I go shoe shopping." "I knit," Connie said. "Get out!" Lula said. "I never knew you knit stuff." "I don't knit stuff," Connie said. "I just knit. ~ Janet Evanovich

Bucky's garage was a two-bay cinder block structure that sat like an island in a sea of cars. New cars, old cars, smashed cars, rusted cars, cars that had signed on for the vital organ program, ~ Janet Evanovich

I looked over at him. "Is that a proposal?"
There was total silence for a couple beats. "I'm not sure. It just popped out."
"Let me know when you're sure."
"Would you say yes?" Morelli asked.
"I'm not sure. ~ Janet Evanovich

I'm thinking about getting a computer so I can have cybersex," Grandma said. "Anybody know how that works?" "You go into a chat room," Valerie said. "And you meet someone. And then you type dirty suggestions to each other." "That sounds like fun," Grandma said. "How does the sex part happen?" "You sort of have to do the sex part yourself." "I knew it was too good to be true," Grandma said. "There's always a catch to everything. ~ Janet Evanovich

I checked out the wine. Screw cap. The greatest invention since fire. ~ Janet Evanovich

I graduated J&W in the top ninety-three percent of my class, and I would have graduated higher, but I flunked gravy. My gravy had lumps in it, and that pretty much sums up my life so far. Not that it's been all bad; more that it hasn't been entirely smooth. ~ Janet Evanovich

I paused for a light at Hamilton and TWlfth and noticed the Nissan was running rough at idle. Two blocks later it backfired and stalled. I coaxed it into the center of the city. Ffft, ffft, ffft, KAPOW! Ffft, ffft, ffft, KAPOW!
A Trans Am pulled up next to me at a light. The Trans Am was filled with high school kids. One of them stuck his head out of the passenger-side window.
"Hey lady," he said. "Sounds like you got a fartmobile." I flipped him an Italian goodwill gesture and pulled the ball cap low on my forehead.
(Three to get Deadly) ~ Janet Evanovich

Ranger locked eyes with me. "Please," he said.
Tank and Hal were goggle-eyed. They weren't used to "please." I wasn't used to it either. But I liked it.
Okay," I said. "Be careful. He's insane. ~ Janet Evanovich

That's one of the things I like about Mary Lou. She's willing to believe the worst about anyone. ~ Janet Evanovich

Kate heard from Nick two weeks after the events in Hawesville. He invited her to a mansion on Broad Beach in Malibu. The place belonged to an actor who was shooting an eight-hour gothic miniseries in Bulgaria. Nick was an actor friend from England who was housesitting. At least that's what he told the neighbors.
Kate wore her favorite date-night outfit of jeans, Glock, and navy FBI windbreaker. Nick had Tolberones and caviar set out.
"If I didn't know better I'd think you were trying to seduce me," Kate said, eyeing the Toblerones.
"You could be right," Nick said. ~ Janet Evanovich

It wasn't exactly that Lula was fat. It was more that she was too short for her weight. - Stephanie Plum ~ Janet Evanovich

You're going to find this hard to believe, but cops aren't required to carry emergency condoms.
Joe Morelli ~ Janet Evanovich

He'd wait. I turned to go into the house and he pulled me back. His hands slid under my shirt and my breath caught. The wire, ~ Janet Evanovich

You come from a long line of scary women Ranger finally said. ~ Janet Evanovich

Diesel is back," Ranger said.
Yes. How did you know?"
I woke up with a migraine this morning." Ranger said. ~ Janet Evanovich

Excuse me?" I said, palms down on the Formica tabletop. "Coffee? I thought we came here for pie." "I don't eat the kind of pie they serve here." I felt a flash of heat go through my stomach. I knew firsthand the kind of pie Ranger liked. ~ Janet Evanovich

Nice dress you're almost wearing. You ever think about changing professions?
-Ranger ~ Janet Evanovich

It wouldn't kill you to flirt a little, so I don't remember this assignment as totally sucking. I'm babysitting a guy who thinks he's a leprechaun, and I'm rescuing a has-been horse. The least you could do I grab my ass once in a while. ~ Janet Evanovich

I stuck my tongue out at him because I was feeling exceptionally mature. ~ Janet Evanovich

Yeah, I like that idea. Maybe he'll shoot at us again. I was hoping someone would shoot at me today. That was the first thing I said when I got up: Boy, I hope I get shot at today. ~ Janet Evanovich

They were actually sitting at a table, like two old friends, not like the hunter
and the hunted. And it wasn't especially awkward. They were comfortable together,
despite the fact that she'd hit him with a bus. Maybe his scheme would work. ~ Janet Evanovich

My skill level is so high I do things I don't even try to do. ~ Janet Evanovich

Amen" Lula said and she made the sign of the cross.
"I thought you were Baptist."
"Yeah, but we don't got any hand signals for an occasion like this. ~ Janet Evanovich

Here's the thing," Riley said. "I'm not really into diabolical possibilities. I'm more into logical explanations. ~ Janet Evanovich

I heard about them Rangers on TV," Grandma said. "I heard they get dogs pregnant." -Grandma Mazur ~ Janet Evanovich

My eyes rolled so far back in my head that I could see myself think ~ Janet Evanovich

You made the paper again," Grandma said. "And the phone's been ringing off the hook. Your mother's in the kitchen, ironing."
My mother always irons during times of disaster. Some people drink, some take drugs. My mother irons. ~ Janet Evanovich

He opened two blouse buttons and traced a line along the top of my bra with his fingertip. He bent his head, brushed a kiss across my breast, and slipped his hand inside my bra. I think I might have moaned a little, and I steadied myself by sliding my hand up the inside of his thigh. It turns out that just because I think I could have a future with Morelli doesn't mean I'm entirely immune to Ranger's hotness. ~ Janet Evanovich

Do you know what I did? I urrrrrinated on the cake at my ex-wife's wedding. Pissssed all over the icing.
Melvin Baylor - Seven Up ~ Janet Evanovich

Jamie felt as though her heart would literally take flight from her crest. Damn her and her mouth. "Nick, I was sort of exaggerating about how nasty I was going to act of the plane. Why can't we just leave Fleas with Max and get going?"
"She's lying, Nick," Max said. "You don't do things her way and she turns into Satan's daughter. ~ Janet Evanovich

I got out of the tub and had to squelch a scream when I saw my reflection in the vanity mirror. My hair looked like it had taken 2000 volts and been spray starched ~ Janet Evanovich

She wrapped her head in a towel and croaked." That sounded reasonable to me ... except for the paring knife with blood and pieces of hair stuck to it. Lula bent at the waist and examined the towel, wrapped turban style. "Must have been a good clonk she took. Lots of blood." Usually when people die their bodies evacuate and the smell gets bad fast. Mrs. Nowicki didn't smell dead. Mrs. Nowicki smelled like Jim Beam. Carl and I were both registering this oddity, looking at each other sideways when Mrs. Nowicki opened one eye and fixed it on Lula. "YOW!" Lula yelled, jumping back a foot, knocking into Sally. "Her eye popped open!" "The better ~ Janet Evanovich

I always know it's Sunday because I wake up feeling apologetic. That's one of the cool things about being a Catholic ... it's a multifaceted experience. If you lose the faith, chances are you'll keep the guilt, so it isn't as if you've been skunked altogether. ~ Janet Evanovich

Maybe it's just not the right time for us to be married. I don't want to be a bounty hunter for the rest of my life, but I certainly don't want to be a housewife right now. And I really don't want to be married to someone who gives me ultimatums.
And maybe Joe needs to examine what he wants from a wife. He was raised in a traditional Italian household with a stay-at-home mother and domineering father. If he wants a wife who will fit into that mold, I'm not for him. I might be a stay-at-home mother someday, but I'll always be trying to fly off the garage roof. That's just who I am. ~ Janet Evanovich

Saved by the grandma"
Ranger ~ Janet Evanovich

Every time I get social with you I end up all by myself, naked, in the middle of the street."
I rolled my eyes. "That only happened once…and you weren't naked. You were wearing socks and a shirt."
"I was speaking figuratively. If you want to get specific, what about the time you locked me in a freezer truck with three corpses? What about the time you ran over me with the Buick?"
I threw my hands into the air. "Oh sure, bring up the Buick. ~ Janet Evanovich

By about the sixth romance I knew I wasn't in exactly the right place. I liked writing action. And I wanted to write a book with a little more edge than I was allowed in romance. ~ Janet Evanovich

The 'Barnaby' books were always intended to be graphic novels. ~ Janet Evanovich

Cute? I think my testosterone level just dropped
- Ranger ~ Janet Evanovich

Hey," Lula said to Ranger's man."You want to watch it? I just had my hair done. I don't need plaster in it. Next time just shoot a hole is this punk-ass loser, will you? ~ Janet Evanovich

And Grandma spooned in some beans. "We need one of them psychics," Grandma said. "I saw on television where you can call them up, and they know everything. They find dead people all the time. I saw a couple of them on a talk show, and they were saying how they help the police with these serial murder cases. I was watching that show, and I was thinking that if I was a serial murderer I'd chop the bodies up in little pieces so those psychics wouldn't have such an easy job of it. Or maybe I'd drain all the blood out of the body and collect it in a big bucket. Then I'd bury a chicken, and I'd take the victim's blood and make a trail to the chicken. Then the psychic wouldn't know what to make of it when the police dug up a chicken." Grandma helped herself to the gravy boat and poured gravy over her pot roast. "Do you think that'd work?" Everyone but Grandma paused with forks in midair. ~ Janet Evanovich

He lowered his mouth and kissed me. I know I should have kneed him in the groin, but the kiss was delicious. Joe Morelli still knew how to kiss. ~ Janet Evanovich

I don't feel so good." Lula said. And she farted.
She squeezed her eyes shut tight and did a full minute-long fart. "Excuse me." she said.
I was horrified and impressed all at the same time. It was a record breaking fart. On my best day, I couldn't come near to farting like that. ~ Janet Evanovich

Ranger was grinning. "Somebody beat the shit out of this guy before he got shot."
"That would be me."I said.
"Babe,"Ranger said, the grin widening. ~ Janet Evanovich

I don't care that you're short. I like lots of things that are short. Little dogs and daffodils. I hate you because you're mean as a snake. Would it kill you to be nice? ~ Janet Evanovich

He wrapped his hand around my wrist, pulled me to him, and kissed me. The kiss was warm and short. ~ Janet Evanovich

That's how you tell what a man's really made of. It's one thing for a man to be big and brave and kill a spider. Any man could do that. Trailin' after a woman when she's shopping for thongs and push-up bras is a whole other category of man. And then if you want to see how far you can go with it, you ask him to carry one of those little pink bags they give you. ~ Janet Evanovich

It's not the pizza, darlin', its my masculine presence.
Joe Morelli ~ Janet Evanovich

Sometimes when a plan is right, everything else, all the things you can't control, falls into place just the way it should. ~ Janet Evanovich

He'd abandoned his usual outfit of black rap clothes or GI Joe cammies. He was wearing a brown leather jacket, a cream-colored Henley, faded jeans, and work boots. His hair, which had always been slicked back in a ponytail, was cut short. He had a two-day beard, making his teeth seem whiter and his Latino complexion seem darker. ~ Janet Evanovich

I shot that sucker right in the gumpy.
Grandma Mazur ~ Janet Evanovich

Concentrate on doing the job, not the fear. ~ Janet Evanovich

He could freeze his stupid dick off for all I cared. ~ Janet Evanovich

Connie drove a silver Camry with rosary beads hanging from her rearview mirror and a Smith& Wesson stuck under the seat. No matter whatwent down, Connie was covered. ~ Janet Evanovich

We gotta be professional about this," Lula said, aiming us toward Route 1. "We need a plan. How about we get the nail polish first, then we get the guy? ~ Janet Evanovich

Are you telling me you think Ranger's a superhero?'
Think about it. We don't know where he lives. We don't know anything about him.'
Superheroes are make-believe.'
Oh yeah?' Lula said. 'What about God? ~ Janet Evanovich

Truth is, I think naked men are kind of strange looking what with their doodles and ding-dong hanging loose like they do. Nevertheless, there's the curiosity thing. I guess it's another one of those car crash experiences, where you feel compelled to look even if you know you'll be horrified. ~ Janet Evanovich

Since I can barely write two books a year the best solution seems to be co-author projects. My goal isn't to get another writer to clone me ... it's more to produce a book that shares my vision of positive, fun entertainment. ~ Janet Evanovich

I think that some books are more successful than others to certain readers. People who read my books for the humor, they're going to love one book. People who read my books for the mystery, they might not like that book quite as much. ~ Janet Evanovich

I need mood music. I gotta get myself ready to kick butt.
Lula - High Five ~ Janet Evanovich

Babe."

Ranger ~ Janet Evanovich

Tinted windows rounded the corner, obviously chasing Kevin. It blew past us, screeching to a ~ Janet Evanovich

As a backup, I intended to get a quart of defense spray. I wasn't much good with a gun, but I was bitchin' with an aerosol can. ~ Janet Evanovich

I'm underrealized," Lula said. "I gotta lot of untapped potential. Yesterday my horoscope said I gotta expand my horizons." "You expand any more in that dress, and you'll get yourself arrested," Connie said.
Twelve Sharp ~ Janet Evanovich

From the look on your face, I'd say you know him."
I nodded. "Sold him a cannoli when I was in high school."
Connie grunted. "Honey, half of all the women in New Jersey have sold him their cannoli ~ Janet Evanovich

We're taking Forest to the police station, and then I'm taking the minions home with me. I'll stash them in my apartment until someone springs Forest. They haven't put the carpet down yet, and Briggs is there to babysit. ~ Janet Evanovich

Nice to see a pretty girl stopping by, even if it is just business. And look at you with all that curly red hair and big brown eyes. And you got a nose that's cute as a button. I bet you work out too. ~ Janet Evanovich

The man was irresistible. What's with that? she thought. It was like wanting to bake cookies for the spawn of Satan. ~ Janet Evanovich

So sorry for your loss," Grandma said to Monica. "My condolences."
"Yeah, whatever," Monica said.
Grandma leaned into the casket for a close look.
"What are you gonna do, kiss him?" Monica asked.
"I was trying to see where they cut him up when they took his brain out," Grandma said.
Monica sucked in some fake smoke. "You'd have to unzip his pants for that one. ~ Janet Evanovich

He's going to jail. He can't see. He can't hear. He can't take a leak that lasts under fifteen minutes. But he has an erection and all the other problems are small change. Next time around I'm coming back as a man. Priorities are clearly defined. Life is simple. ~ Janet Evanovich

Finding out with Ranger is a whole different deal than finding out with Lula. Lula and I are Lucy Ricardo and Ethel Mertz. Ranger is Batman. ~ Janet Evanovich

No Ranger in sight. That's because he's in the wind. You can't see the wind. Or maybe the wind went home to watch Tuesday night fights. ~ Janet Evanovich

Two windows," she said with a smile. "And there's no such word as besweatered." "It's like bespectacled, only with a sweater. ~ Janet Evanovich

I have bad car juju."
-Stephanie Plum ~ Janet Evanovich

Fine. Let Ranger get someone else. Trust me, you don't want to be out looking for a parking place on Sloane in the middle of the night."
"I won't have to look for a parking place. Tank's picking me up."
"Your working with a guy name Tank?"
"He's big."
"Jesus", Morelli said. "I had to fall in love with a woman who works with a guy named Tank."
"You love me?"
"Of course I love you. I just don't want to marry you. ~ Janet Evanovich

We need some french fries to celebrate with," Lula said after I bought the dress.
"My treat."
"I can't have french fries. Another ounce and I won't get into the dress."
"French fries are a vegetable," Lula said. "They don't count when it comes to fat. And besides, we'll have to walk all the way down the mall to get to the food court, so we'll get exercise. In fact, probably we'll be so weak from all that walking by the time we get there we'll have to have a piece of crispy fried chicken along with the french fries. ~ Janet Evanovich

I think I got a bruise from landing on you. I hear bacon is real good for healing a bruise. ~ Janet Evanovich

I can't help it. I'm just a big gasbag. I still got leftover barbeque gas." She squeezed her eyes shut tight and did a full minute-long far. "Excuse me," she said. ~ Janet Evanovich

Stephanie: "I have a list of Kenny's friends. I'm going to run through it."
Morelli: "Where'd you get this list?"
Stephanie: "Privileged information."
Morelli: "You broke into his apartment and stole his little black book."
Stephanie: "I didn't steal it. I copied it."
Morelli: "I don't want to here any of this. You're not carrying concealed, are you?"
Stephanie: "Who, me?"
Morelli: "Shit, I must be crazy to work with you ~ Janet Evanovich

A complete stranger
a giant pancake, no less
has just appeared in their home," Boyd said. "Why isn't anyone reacting to this? Wouldn't they be screaming in terror?"
"They love pancakes," Stan said.
"What would they do if a fried chicken leg walked in?"
"I'm not sure a chicken leg could walk in," said the script supervisor, a lady who wore three layers of shirts and sucked on a pencil as if it were a pacifier. "I suppose it could hop."
Stan looked over his shoulder at her. "let me handle this." He turned back to Boyd. "The family knows you. You're not just another pancake off the street. You're a celebrity pancake, the Jay Leno of breakfast foods. Would anyone throw Leno out of their house?"
"Okay, assuming you're right, I'm a pancake asking this family to eat me. Am I suicidal or simply filled with self-loathing?"
"Take your pick," Stan said. "Whatever will get you through the scene. ~ Janet Evanovich

If she had any sense at all, she'd clean out her desk and look for another job. Something safe and sane, like catching alligators or looking for land mines in Afghanistan. ~ Janet Evanovich

The way I see it, life is a jelly doughnut. You don't really know what it's about until you bite into it. And then, just when you decided it's good, you drop a big glob of jelly on your best T-shirt. ~ Janet Evanovich