Kiwi Humour Quotes

Steve:"'E sounds a liddle...eccentric."
Me: "Eccentric? He once tried to enter the record books as the first man to reach the South Pole in T-shirt and jandals."
"How far'd'e get?"
"Opotiki. ~ Craig Marriner

I try to offset any tendency towards the macabre with humour. As I see it, this is a typically English form of humour. It's a piece with such jokes as the one about the man who was being led to the gallows to be hanged. He looked at the trap door in the gallows, which was flimsily constructed, and he asked in some alarm, 'I say, is that thing safe? ~ Alfred Hitchcock

In my dictionary, romance is not maudlin, treacly sentiment. It is a curry, spiced with excitement, and humour, and a healthy dollop of cynicism. ~ Loretta Chase

Darlin', I've heard all about fifty shades of grey but I never knew there were fifty shades of denim! ~ Joanne McClean

Absolutely love this particular excerpt: "Books are silent friends, and should be treated well. I am proud of my books. I hope that my children will use them and preserve them when I am gone from this world. Human friends may betray you, but not so with books. Books contain wisdom for our understanding, humour for our entertainment, information for our development, and matter for our pleasure. ~ Brenda Mohammed

The arkleseizure cometh! ~ Douglas Adams

Even Dionysus's welcome-home speech wasn't enough to dampen my spirits. Yes, yes, so the little brat didn't get himself killed and now he'll have an even bigger head. Well, huzzah for that. In other announcements, there will be no canoe races this Saturday ... ~ Rick Riordan

I Will Not Tease Rebecca Grimes

I have to write one hundred times:
"I will not tease Rebecca Grimes."
Okay, that's one. I'm far from done.
(This isn't gonna be much fun.)
"I will not tease Rebecca Grimes."
That's two. I'm paying for my crimes.
It's all because I pulled her hair
And put spaghetti on her chair.

Because I gave her goofy looks
And squirted mustard on her books,
I have to write one hundred times:
"I will not tease Rebecca Grimes."

That's three. Whoopee. It's going slow.
Just ninety-seven more to go.
"I will not tease" (I'm keeping score.)
"Rebecca Grimes." (Now that makes four.)

I'm soaked with sweat. My shirt is damp.
I think I'm getting writer's cramp.
"I will not, will not, will not tease
Rebecca Grimes!" Can I stop, please?

The teacher frowns, and that means no.
I still have sixty-six to go.
"I will-will-will not-not-not-not
Tease-tease-tease-tease..." It's getting hot.

"I will not tease Rebecca Grimes."
That's ninety-nine. The school bell chimes.
Just one more line and I'll be through.
Rebecca Grimes, this one's for you!
My final line will rhyme with "Grimes":
"I will not tease Rebecca...Slimes!"
Rebecca Slimes! Ha ha! That's great!
I'd better hide it. Oops! Too late!

The teacher sees what I wrote down.
She takes my paper with a frown.
I now mus ~ Dave Crawley

Who's possessing who now, Casper? ~ Rick Riordan

In all the excitement, I seem to have put my foot under yours," he said. "I do beg your pardon. ~ Loretta Chase

Colorful characters are the odd shaped pieces that fill the holes in life's puzzle. ~ Richard Stephens

Where death gives you a sense of humour, life gives you a sense of love. ~ Athan Fletcher

Of course I want to kill you," said Skulduggery. "I want to kill most people. But then where would I be? In a field of dead people with no one to talk to. ~ Derek Landy

Vanity's contribution to Fiction in general was an abundance of cheap labour and the occasional blockbuster, which was accepted into Fiction with an apologetic 'gosh, don't know how that happened'. ~ Jasper Fforde

Once at a time, certain things will become impossible, do your best now. ~ Joshua Seguya

If I were you, I'd sue my face for slander. ~ Terry Pratchett

Red sky at night, the city's alight. ~ Terry Pratchett

Cheat? Good heavens, this is an amateur cricket match amongst leading prep schools, I'm an Englishman and a schoolmaster supposedly setting an example to his young charges. We are playing the most artistic and beautiful game ever devised. Of course I'll cunting well cheat. Now, give me my robe and put on my crown. I have immortal longings in me. ~ Stephen Fry

There's an emergency link to the defence grid, but that's only for use in the direst emergencies."
"And of course a mile-long unknown intruder approaching your main source of power isn't an emergency?"
Karan hesitated, his chins wobbling slightly with their own momentum. "It'll take time, but I could access the defence grid's sensor logs for that sector ... "
"I won't tell if you don't. ~ David A. McIntee

Of course you prefer Gregory Peck
Because for goodness sake, by heck
Vinnie Jones cannot act
For sure that's a fact
And at football he was also a wreck! ~ Gerry Wolstenholme

A good sense of humour is the sign of a healthy perspective, which is why people who are uncomfortable around humour are either pompous (inflated) or neurotic (oversensitive). Pompous people mistrust humour because at some level they know their self-importance cannot survive very long in such an atmosphere, so they criticise it as "negative" or "subversive." Neurotics, sensing that humour is always ultimately critical, view it as therefore unkind and destructive, a reductio ad absurdum which leads to political correctness. Not that laughter can't be unkind and destructive. Like most manifestations of human behaviour it ranges from the loving to the hateful. The latter produces nasty racial jokes and savage teasing; the former, warm and affectionate banter, and the kind of inclusive humour that says, "Isn't the human condition absurd, but we're all in the same boat. ~ John Cleese

For someone as amazing as you, attention is like food, and you're always hungry. ~ Seth McDonough

It's a very small object to be capable of doing many wonderful things, don't you think?"
"It does much more that that," Valkyrie said, opening up a game and showing it to him.
His eyes widened. "What wonder is this?"
"It's called Angry Birds. Now do you believe me? ~ Derek Landy

He realised he was in a chair. The world was white and blurry in half his vision, and it took him a few moments to realise a sheet of paper was stuck to his face. ~ A. Ashley Straker

Now to me, Edith looks like something that would eat her young. ~ Dorothy Parker

I had the right to remain silent ... but I didn't have the ability. ~ Ron White

Tell me about Gang Starr,' said Nishant, in an effort to start a conversation I'd be interested in.
'One MC, one DJ ... '
'Classic combo,' Anand affirmed.
'No hype man?'
'No.'
'What do we need Anand for?' Nishant shrugged, ever the pragmatist, never the catcher of feelings. ~ Nikesh Shukla

Enjolras caught glimpses of a luminous uprising under the dark skirts of the future. ~ Victor Hugo

The others were fighting for their lives against nose hair. ~ Rick Riordan

I fought the mighty urge to watch her put it on. My libido had just burst out of the closet and was tripping over furniture yelling, "Who? What? Where?" (Please excuse him. He doesn't get out much) ~ B. Justin Shier

The world is indeed comic, but the joke is on mankind. ~ H.P. Lovecraft

I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully. ~ George W. Bush

Do you know what two centimeters is?
Yeah. It's a measurement.
It's about three quarters of an inch.
All right.
That's the distance that round missed your liver by.
Is that what the doctor told you?
Yes. You know what the liver does?
No.
It keeps you alive. Do you know who the man is who shot you?
Maybe he didnt shoot me. Maybe it was one of the Mexicans.
Do you know who the man is?
No. Am I supposed to?
Becase he's not somebody you really want to know. The people he meets tend to have very short futures. Nonexistent, in fact.
Well good for him. ~ Cormac McCarthy

The bar was crowded with theorizing Sherlockians, who in the absence of any actual evidence had created grand machinations to explain the crime. Minor points of canonical disagreement became reasons for brutal murder. Some tried to piece together their theories in small groups, hoping that with enough brainpower and expertise they might arrive at a solution. Others jumped straight over the "investigation" phase and landed square at the end of the story they were creating, instantly accusing the man across the table of some vile treachery. And, moreover, actually employing phrases like "vile treachery" in doing so. Everyone was a suspect. But at the world's largest Sherlockian gathering, everyone was a detective as well. ~ Graham Moore

I ache to swim again. Walking's for mammals. ~ Shaun Hick

For the purposes of life and conduct, and society, a little good sense is surely better than all this genius, and a little good humour than this extreme sensibility. ~ David Hume

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions ~ Bill Hicks

The camp offices stood in the centre, adjoining the shrine to Jupiter that held the legion's Eagle. In the camps of the Vth Macedonica and the VIth Ferrata, these buildings were of grey stone, dressed by Gaulish masons to such smoothness that a man could run his hand down them and not feel the joins.
The legions' respective signs of the bull and the eagle had been carved thereon with such pride and perfection that men copied them on their shields and carved them on the bedheads in the barracks.
At Raphana, the camp office of the XIIth Fulminata and IVth Scythians before which we dismounted was built of the local baked mud, and some drunkard with a poor eye for detail had etched
the Scythians' sign of the goat and the Fulminata's crossed thunderbolts together, so that it seemed as if the goat were thunderstruck, or else that lightning grew from its anus. Both applied equally; each was unthinkable in a legion which had any pride in itself. ~ M.C. Scott