Humping Quotes

Do it, my fellow Americans! Do it for every adolescent
anomic skank genius cloistered in his room, getting cranked,
rabidly humping his sampler as he confects some heretical,
monstrous persona for himself and dreams of an orgiastic,
blood-soaked apocalypse. Yes, the /impudence!/ We have
/nothing/ in this life of suffocating obligation but our
own motherfucking impudence! For God's sake, give us this
day our motherfucking big-dick impudence!! ~ Mark Leyner

If anyone had told Joss last week that she'd be dry humping a twenty-seven-year-old she'd met only five days prior in the bathroom of the loft above her garage, she'd have committed them for psychiatric evaluation. But here she was and she could not get enough.
Her body throbbed with need. Maybe she needed committing? ~ Amy Andrews

There have been plenty of very bare hotels with couples humping next door. I don't stay in very grand hotels. ~ Honor Blackman

Every time I go out and do something, Hans panics and starts trying to beat me. He's like a dog humping your leg. ~ Dean Potter

Probably just as well. Maybe with all that testosterone walking out the door, the insane urge to hump Lincoln Quinn's leg would walk right out as well. Because that was exactly how she felt every time she looked at him.
Like she was in heat.
Within minutes, the restaurant had emptied out to only a few non-team wedding guests. Her nemesis was nowhere to be seen, and Em congratulated herself on her self-control as she eased off the bar stool.
Embarrassing leg-humping avoided - bravo! ~ Amy Andrews

Cam's grin was wicked as his hand coasted up my waist to cup my breast. He squeezed it, setting off a weird mixture of painful tenderness and a bolt of lust to my sex.
"My eyes!" Cole yelled.
Cam and I jerked apart, and I twisted my head to see my brother standing in the doorway in his pyjamas, his hair falling in wet locks across his forehead. His forearm covered his eyes. "I'm fucking blind," he growled and turned around, bumping into the wall before remembering to drop his arm. After that he stomped out of the flat, the door slamming in his wake.
Horrified, I looked up into Cam's face, my eyes wide. "I think I should let him get away with using the 'f' word on this occasion."
Cam snorted, laughter sputtering as he dropped his head to my chest, his whole body shaking with amusement.
I felt an irrepressible giggle escape me despite my mortification for myself and Cole. "It's not funny. We've scarred him. I better check on him."
Cam shook his head, his eyes bright with mirth. "You're the last person he wants to see right now … I'm sure he's barricaded himself in his room and is doing anything he can to burn the image of me dry-humping his sister out of his mind. ~ Samantha Young

granny-humping butt sucker! ~ Annie Nicholas

Lady Sarah steps in, wearing her nightclothes under a fluffy ivory robe and a chastising expression. Behind her glasses, her eyes narrow on Henry.
"So this is how it's going to be, then? Married only a few days and I already have to search the palace to drag my husband to bed?"
Henry goes to Sarah, like an invisible rope is reeling him to her. "Dragging me to your bed is something you'll never have to do, love. You can even tie me there whenever you like, and I'll be happy to reciprocate."
He kisses her mouth, as she blushes deep and bright.
She leans back. "Then why are you down here instead of up there with me?"
"There was an emergency."
"What kind of an emergency?"
"You're not going to believe it."
"Try me."
"Logan and Ellie are fucking."
She automatically glances at me, and her cheeks deepen to a shade of crimson. "I'm sure there's a more delicate way to word that, Henry."
Henry nods, soberly. "You're right, I'm sorry. Let me try again: Logan and Ellie are humping, like insatiable randy bunnies, all over the palace."
Sarah shakes her head. "You're hopeless."
The Prince grins broadly. "It's part of my charm."
"What am I going to do with you?"
Henry kisses her again. "Take me to bed. Obviously. ~ Emma Chase

In order for American Pie to have worked, you have to have a character who, even while he is humping a pie, the audience still likes. ~ Jason Biggs

Humping my leg like a dog in heat every time I'm around you doesn't prove you like me, Daemon.' Daemon clamped his mouth shut, and I could tell he was fighting back laughter. 'Actually, that's how I show people I like them. ~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

It was like hundreds of roads he'd driven over - no different - a stretch of tar, lusterless, scaley, humping toward the center. On both sides were telephone poles, tilted this way and that, up a little, down...

Billboards - down farther an increasing clutter of them. Some road signs. A tottering barn in a waste field, the Mail Pouch ad half weathered away. Other fields. A large wood - almost leafless now - the bare branches netting darkly against the sky. Then down, where the road curved away, a big white farmhouse, trees on the lawn, neat fences - and above it all, way up, a television aerial, struck by the sun, shooting out bars of glare like neon. ("Thompson") ~ George A. Zorn

How're the cats?" he asked, smiling a little. He did miss Angel Marie. Hell, he missed them all.
"Feral," Benny sniffed. "And horny. Every time one of us walks in, they all start humping our shoes."
"They're fixed," Shane mumbled, but the conversation was oddly reassuring. It sounded normal, and like home.
"Tell that to the big fuzzy brown one ... ."
"Orlando Bloom?"
"Yeah, whatever. Last time I was there that damned animal violated my knitting."
Shane lost a battle with a laugh and then whined because it hurt his ribs.
"Violated?"
[ ... ]
"Let's just say that wool is no longer virgin," she quipped dryly, and Shane's chest shook. ~ Amy Lane

What do you say when your friends come to visit and the dog starts humping their leg. Well, if it's a pit bull, you say, "You better let him finish." ~ Robert Schimmel

Inter-racial sex is probably some of the best sex on the planet. You know what that is? Because with inter-racial sex there's like this whole added pressure to perform. 'Cause it's kinda like you're not just humping for yourself. You're humping for your race. You got to represent your people. ~ Bill Burr

Not that I have anything against dancing. Some guys will tell you it's effeminate but I'm not one of them. Today's dancing is practically sex with your clothes on, dry humping in a room full of people. And I'm definitely into that. ~ Emma Chase

I flew out here on Southwest Airlines. Southwest has a plane that's painted like Shamu the whale from Sea World. Yeah, that'll be easy to find if that went down in the ocean. That'll be nice, when you're trying to get out and a real whale's humping your window. ~ Robert Schimmel

Other useful commands to teach your dog are 'stay,' 'heel,' 'remove your snout from that person's groin,' 'stop humping the Barcalounger,' 'do not bark violently for two hours at inanimate objects such as a flowerpot,' ' do not eat poop,' and 'if you must eat poop, then at least refrain from licking my face afterward'. ~ Dave Barry

Just because I'm not pushing you up against walls and humping you like a fucking animal doesn't mean I can't appreciate the view. You just haven't caught me looking. ~ Harper Sloan

Leaning close enough for me to count his whiskers, he mines my vag for oil and says softly, "You do what you gotta do, and so will I. We're heading to the bus. When we get there, I need you humping my face. Breathing is optional. Orgasms are mandatory. You don't leave until you squirt at least twice. Understand?"

I try in vain to catch my breath. "We may be in for a long night."

The corner of his mouth twitches into a smile, and he slows his strokes. "I hope so. ~ Kendall Grey

On her daughter's pet rabbit: I don't think he liked being in a cage and wouldn't stop masturbating and humping his bowl. ~ Kate Beckinsale

Ri, here's a question for you," Stella started. She opened it up to everyone else, as well. "When do your kids stop being pets and start being people?"
The room went silent, except for Gloria trying to stifle her giggles.
Stella looked around and felt pleased that she'd gotten the desired reaction.
"What are you talking about? How could you call children pets?" Shannon demanded before Bernadette had the chance to.
"No, this is an honest question." Stella insisted. "You have them, you name them. They're helpless, and you teach, or train, them. Feed them, water them, whatever. And as they grow up, you just hope that they grow up well and don't spend their time clawing your nice sofa or humping your leg."
Stella, "Sugar and Spies: Spy Sisters Book 1 ~ Rebekah Martin

Still humping the American Dream ~ Hunter S. Thompson

I'll let you off your leash, but you have to show some manners. No humping, no pissing on anything man made, and keep the crotch greetings exclusive to your four-legged fury friends. Got it?"

Swarley nods because I've made him part human over the past few months and I'm pretty sure I saw him roll his eyes at me too. Guess I'd better start getting used to sassiness and eye rolling … read that on a parenting blog too.

Note to self. Find more positive bloggers that paint the picture of parenthood with rainbows, fairies, and pixie dust.

"Sydney?"

I turn. "Hey, Dane!"

He bends down to let his dogs off their leashes. "Gosh, I didn't think you'd be back. How was Paris?"

Which part? The view of the ceiling from the couch or the drain from the top of the toilet?

"Great!" Extremely sugarcoated … maybe teetering on an outright lie.

"So how long are you staying?" He rests his hands on his hips.

Dane is adorable. I'm sure grown men don't like to be called adorable; hell, I didn't like it when Lautner said it to me, but Dane is just that. Tall, dark, and admittedly handsome with a boyish grin that makes me want to take him home, bake him cookies, and pour him a tall glass of milk.

"I'm not sure. Trevor and Elizabeth just moved to San Diego and I'm staying at their house until it sells or until I find something else."

He cocks his head to the side. "Yet, they left Swarley ~ Jewel E. Ann

As a child I was a little bit disgusted and embarrassed to learn about the facts of life, and did not immediately connect the idea of "sex" to the feelings I got when I lay on the carpet on my stomach,idly humping a stuffed animal while watching Sesame Street. The realization that sex could be something to anticipate happily rather than to dread as another unpleasant grown-up duty came to me in a dream. Nothing overtly sexual even happened in this dream - it was a dream about lying in bed on a sunny afternoon with sun streaking the sheets, surrounded by warmth, feeling satisfied. It took life a long time for life to catch up with what this idealized version of sex could be like; it's still not like that every time, but when it is, I notice. ~ Emily Gould

It. I don't mean to poke the bear, but I've got one nerve left, and Maddox is dry-humping it. So, could you all move it along? ~ Jamie McGuire

It's like humping Leviathan: a fucking war of all against all, a shag of attrition. Eventually she goes off and I shoot my load and, save for a shaving of egotism, am completely unmoved by the experience. […] Contemplating the girl beneath me, I know that she could never be my friend. Her gasps as she came sounded like mocking laughter, as empty and pointless as I feel inside. Not only have I forgotten her name, I can't remember if I ever asked it or if she bothered telling me. Prabaly not. ~ Irvine Welsh

What is fascinating is that it is physical. You know, that's one thing about intellectuals, they've proved that you can be absolute brilliant and have no idea what's going on. But on the other hand, the body doesn't lie, as we now know. Nono, it'll be great, because all of those ph.Ds are in there, like, discussing modes of alienation, and we'll be in here quietly humping. ~ Woody Allen

My epiphany has been that none of you deserve me. You can look. You can fantasize. Like I've had to. Try to bring home a woman, and I'll make farting noises while wearing a dolphin costume and acting like I'm humping each of you. See how long you can hold an erection then. ~ Kristy Cunning

Nothing says awkward like coming in your pants while dry humping. ~ Jay McLean

But I'm not just shocked. I'm also disappointed in May for allowing Z.G. to talk her into this. I'm angry at him for preying on her vulnerability. And I'm heartsick that May and I have to take it. This is how women end up on the street selling their bodies. But then this is how it is for women everywhere. You experience one lapse in conscience, in how low you think you'll go, in what you'll accept, and pretty soon you're at the bottom. You've become a girl with three holes, the lowest form of prostitute, living on one of the floating brothels in Soochow Creek, catering to Chinese so poor they don't mind catching a loathsome disease in exchange for a few humping moments of the husband-wife thing. ~ Lisa See

Look dude, no humping the redhead until we see if the rabbit dies. ~ Lynn Hagen

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping. ~ Stephen Colbert

Man, Fury was right. You should never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. I should have listened to you. You told me Petra was a three-wolf-humping bitch, but did I listen? (Fang) ~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

Because enough talking. It was time for the goddamned kissing, hard and fast and smooth and slow and any and every way in between, until Tommy was humping his thigh. ~ S.E. Jakes

Good sex is a mystery. Perhaps humping and pumping is not a mystery, but good sex is a mystery, and how human beings become truly intimate remains a mystery. ~ Erica Jong

If you weren't humping, you were waiting. I remember the monotony. Digging foxholes. Slapping mosquitoes. The sun and the heat and the endless paddies. Even in the deep bush, where you could die any number of ways, the war was nakedly and aggressively boring. But it was a strange boredom. It was boredom with a twist, the kind of boredom that caused stomach disorders. You'd be sitting at the top of a high hill, the flat paddies stretching out below, and the day would be calm and hot and utterly vacant, and you'd feel the boredom dripping inside you like a leaky faucet, except it wasn't water, it was a sort of acid, and with each little droplet you'd feel the stuff eating away at important organs. You'd try to relax. You'd uncurl your fists and let your thoughts go. Well, you'd think, this isn't so bad. And right then you'd hear gunfire behind you and your nuts would fly up into your throat and you'd be squealing pig squeals. That kind of boredom. I ~ Tim O'Brien

I call my wife and tell her I'm going to sleep at the lab. She reminds me that she left me a week ago. Louis tries to crack me up by pantomiming humping a chimp through the cage. ~ Noah Baumbach

Was it really called dry humping, if they did it underwater? Probably not. Crying shame that they both had their jeans on, because this was definitely one of those adrenaline-fuelled moments of passion with a total loss of inhibition, where need and desire trumped all reason. ~ Suzanne Brockmann

she scares the ever-living hell out of me. The shit she does, and then afterwards, instead of regretting her actions, she's on some kind of a high…a humping-my-leg one. ~ Sydney Landon

How the fuck do you keep your hair like that? I look like a hedgehog's been humping my skull. ~ James S.A. Corey

I also thought about that seminar classmate on Adam's ninth birthday. Adam had insisted on going to a pizza-and-games arcade for his party. The only person he'd invited besides his sisters was someone I'll call Lonnie, whom Adam claimed to be his girlfriend. Although I had often heard Adam sing about Lonnie, I had never met her, or seen Adam interact with any girl. I was afraid that he would start humping her leg the second she came in range. These were fears I'd sustained since before he was born; I though all people with Down syndrome were grossly overaffectionate. I was grossly wrong. ~ Martha N. Beck

I was surprised to learn that doing household chores qualifies as romantic for most of you [women]. That's exactly why you should never hire a butler if you strike it rich - the minute that Jeeves starts unloading the dishwasher without being asked, your wife is going to start humping his leg. ~ Scott Adams

Among the loose animals, the Keeper's sick camel, a lady of brittle temper, had bobbed her tassels and sunk her yellow teeth three times into unguarded flesh; the dwarf ass brayed itself hoarse and the lion cubs, dear to Abernaci's heart, had shambled off, humping their fat, sandy rumps, to feast among the spilled milk in the wrecked kitchens. ~ Dorothy Dunnett

But Rachel knows this isn't true. Nobody can stop anything. The people will always be humping next door. The burning cat will always be rocketing like a comet around every house in which they ever live. Nothing will ever be resolved. ~ Chuck Palahniuk

Floyd arrived in the kitchen and leapt onto Casper's back, then proceeded to start biting his neck. I'm an only child with a smallish family who had never done Christmas in a big way, but there was something about having two male cats tenderly humping in the corner of the room that made the occasion a little more festive. ~ Tom Cox

There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger. ~ Demetri Martin

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster! ~ Russell Howard

You'd be cute if you weren't such a little humping freak." Carter flattened the fur on the top of the dog's head. "Humperdinck." He met Faith's eyes. "I think I've just named your dog. ~ Kristin Miller

Prostitution is the supreme triumph of capitalism. When the sex war is won prostitutes should be shot as collaborators for their terrible betrayal of all women, for the moral tarring and feathering they give indigenous women who have had the bad luck to live in what they make their humping ground. ~ Julie Burchill

His look of confusion is so fucking hot I think I want to rape him. Yup. Going to stand up and just start humping his leg. ~ Jay McLean

Today, he was going to win the Big Humping Pussy award and go back to Poughkeepsie ~ Debra Anastasia

Me: Staying here tonight.

Helen: You okay? Code word?

Helen and I had code words for everything. It was usually an old pet's name or a line from one of our favorite movies. Growing up, Helen's family had Maltipoos. It's a mix between a Maltese and miniature poodle . . . damned dog people and their overbreeding. Anyway, they had a little black Maltipoo named Major. He would have been adorable if he weren't an incessant humper. It was just vile; truly, the dog was persistent and fanatical about humping. Witnessing Major molest everything in his path was traumatizing. He was constantly in motion, his little butt pumping in and out. There was clearly something wrong with him. He humped everything from stuffed animals to vacuum cleaners to any leg he came in contact with. Helen and I hated that dog. We called him Major Humperdinck. After high school it became our code for I totally want this guy to hump me. I know, we were disgusting girls.

Me: Major.

Helen: Major What?

Me: Don't . . .

Helen: I'm calling the police.

Me: Major Humperdinck

Helen: I knew it. Well, have fun . . . slut. ~ Renee Carlino

Gold we've got, humping we want – debauch! debauch! ~ Peter Barnes

He dragged his mouth along her jaw. She smelled so good, so feminine. He moved his mouth to her neck, and instantly, she went taut and recoiled. Right. He was a vampire. Worth about as much as a stray dog. And this stray dog was humping her leg. She must be mortified. Fucking humiliating. He shoved himself off her, averting his gaze so she wouldn't see the color change in his eyes that signified arousal. She was too aware of his desire as it was, and he was an idiot for letting it go as far as it had. With a curse, he grabbed up his ruined shirt. It was bloody, dirty, and torn to shit. It wasn't wearable, but he put it to good use while he waited for his heart rate and breathing to return to pre-hump-the-enemy levels. ~ Larissa Ione

That craptastical, gutless, son-of-a-cactus-humping butt monkey!! ~ Gemma Halliday

She smiled thoughtfully. "I think Jackson was like a lost puppy. He needed purpose, someone to believe in him and love him despite his bullshit. But he didn't have that, so he just went around humping everyone's leg and peeing everywhere. Then you came along and he thought he found that owner that would give him that purpose - something that would make him feel needed - but you chose the fancy pet store puppy instead, so he went back to peeing on everything and destroying all the furniture."
"Um, Whit ... is there a point to this?"
"We all need someone to believe in us. It helps us see our full potential. You were that someone to believe in him. I think he'll be a new man because of it."
"So you're saying I rescued a lost puppy, and now he'll become a topnotch show dog because I'm just so amazing?"
"Exactly."
"You have such an eloquent way with words."
"No shit, right?"
"Precisely."
-Emma and Whitney ~ Rachael Wade

But the point is: On the right, they're pretending that our "truthfulness" is what's really important to them. Which, ironically, is not true. What matters to them is discrediting anything that they believe harms their side. That is their prime directive. And unlike Kirk, they fuckin' stick with it. They don't just drop the protocol any time they feel like humping a green girl in a unitard. [video clip of Captain Kirk, pursuing a green girl in a unitard]

And this, this, is their genius. Conservatives are not looking to make education more rigorous and informative, or science more empirical or verifiable, or voting more representative, or the government more efficient or effective. They just want all those things to reinforce their partisan, ideological, conservative viewpoint.
~ Jon Stewart ~ Chris Smith