Cooking Humor Quotes

When I got home I peered down at the lobster to see how he was doing. The inner plastic bag was sucked tight around him and clouded up. It looked like something out of an eighties made-for-TV movie, with some washed-up actress taking too many pills and trying to off herself with a Macy's bag. ~ Julie Powell

As I [Eve] was the only cook in all Christendom at the time, the idea of not coming home to dinner never occurred to Adam ... It is true that at times he criticised my cooking, but in view of certain ancestral limitations from which he suffered, I never had to sit quietly and listen to an exasperating disquisition on the Pies That Mother Used To Make ... ~ John Kendrick Bangs

"And I stole some oxen jerky out of Bercelak's bag. He makes the best oxen jerky."
"Bercelak the Vengeful cooks?"
"Aye. And he's surprisingly good at it, too! ~ G.A. Aiken

Oh, I adore to cook. It makes me feel so mindless in a worthwhile way. ~ Truman Capote

Every so often I would look at my women friends who were happily married and didn't cook, and I would always find myself wondering how they did it. Would anyone love me if I couldn't cook? I always thought cooking was part of the package: Step right up, it's Rachel Samstat, she's bright, she's funny and she can cook! ~ Nora Ephron

Zip it kiddo. Don't ever admit you know a thing about cooking or it'll be used against you later in life. ~ Rebecca Wells

Calvin: Why are you crying mom?
Mom: I'm cutting up an onion.
Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables. ~ Bill Watterson

Maybe the cat has fallen into the stew, or the lettuce has frozen, or the cake has collapsed. Eh bien, tant pis. Usually one's cooking is better than one thinks it is. And if the food is truly vile, then the cook must simply grit her teeth and bear it with a smile, and learn from her mistakes. ~ Julia Child

Lucky Harris was getting to him. His sexy little captive had gotten under his skin. He wanted
her, and yet he could not bring himself to discipline and dominate her as he knew she secretly
desired. For the first time since the death of his traitor wife, Sebastian was afraid, afraid of his own
feelings. The bright-eyed blonde affected him as no woman ever had. It wasn't just her responsive
cries or her tempting body; it was her strong opinions, her outrageous attitude, that irreverent sense of humor. Lucky made him laugh, but it was more than that.

She made him feel alive. ~ Carol Storm

Try again, I've gotten much better at detecting your bullshit ~ Alexandra Bracken

We do need a system, and we do need you and your 'Bertos, and sometimes we need Sam to just come along and kick some ass. - Quinn ~ Michael Grant

What kind of one-night stand takes your car the next morning? It's called the walk of shame, not grand theft auto. ~ Piper Rayne

And the feasts on the poop and the musicians. ~ C.S. Lewis

I'm starting to think Mordecai bound you to someone's grandmother instead of the earth, because that's what you're starting to sound like!" barked Harold in a slightly louder voice. "Just like my Nanna, next you'll be complaining about your rheumatism. ~ Michael G. Manning

Call on God, but row away from the rocks. ~ Hunter S. Thompson

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. ~ Woody Allen

Yeah. Floyd is his batman."
His what?"
Batman, like in the British army, each officer had a batman, a personal servant."
You spend too much time reading, Spenser. You know more stuff that don't make you money than anybody I know. ~ Robert B. Parker

"Well
I don't know
the cops might not respond too well to you looking through their windows with a telescope."
~ Tom Upton

Ain't No Drama Like Bedroom Drama ~ Renata D. Johnson

Granny was an old-fashioned witch. She didn't do good for people, she did right by them. ~ Terry Pratchett

I will carefully stand guard and if anyone tries to hurt someone in the camp again, I will carefully spill their guts across the wasteland floor and carefully wait for the vultures to feast on the remains. ~ C.J. Redwine

Our father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name,
hollow be thy promises
and shallow be thy shame.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
On a scale from on to ten,
our Lord is totally eleven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
toasted close to dawn,
and forgive us our trespasses
as we shoot those who trespass on our lawn,
and lead us not into temptation,
such as pot or porno,
but deliver us from evil
(if not delivery, then DiGiorno). ~ Bo Burnham

Procrastinate now, don't put it off. ~ Ellen DeGeneres

Yeah, well," Nico said, "not giving people a second thought ... that can be dangerous." "Dude, I'm trying to say thank you." Nico laughed without humor. "I'm trying to say you don't need to. Now I need to finish this, if you could give me some space?" "Yeah. Yeah, okay." Percy stepped back while Nico took up the slack on his ropes. He slipped them over his shoulders as if the Athena Parthenos were a giant backpack. Percy couldn't help feeling a little hurt, being told to take a hike. Then again, Nico had been through a lot. The guy had survived in Tartarus on his own. Percy understood firsthand just how much strength that must have taken. Annabeth walked up the hill to join them. She took Percy's hand, which made him feel better. "Good luck," she told Nico. ~ Rick Riordan

You have overburdened your argument with ostentatious erudition.
Spoken by Abigail Adams ~ David McCullough

With his arm back around Gavin's waist, Brad suddenly seemed very determined to get to their destination. Gavin was curious about it until he saw the restaurant. With rainbow flags hanging on either side of the sign mounted on the roof, it sort of looked like home base in a game of gay tag. ~ Kele Moon

Claire was struggling through last summer's diary volume when Myrnin popped in through the portal, wearing a big floppy black hat and a kind of crazy/stylish pimp coat that covered him from neck to ankles, black leather gloves, and a black and silver walking stick with a dragon's head on it. And, on his lapel was a button that said, If you can read this, thank a teacher. ~ Rachel Caine

Well, fame is a drug and when you take it away from an addict, things can get ugly. ~ Melissa Jo Peltier

I've made it a rule never to drink by daylight and never to refuse a drink after dark. ~ H.L. Mencken

I'd die for your sins, but I'd probably enjoy them first ~ Josh Stern

I think this is simultaneously the most ridiculous and most serious conversation we've ever had," I said. "I don't like Jell-O and you wear stripes, and I think that is far more offensive, but I'll still marry you despite the stripes."
I pushed myself off of the couch and went to bed. As I lay there, listening to Luke moving around the kitchen, I had to cover my mouth to keep from giggling. We just had a conversation about marriage using stripes and gelatin as a cover up for the fact that we were talking about marriage. Luke proposed through Jell-O and I accepted through stripes. The idiocy of it all had me shaking with excited, silent laughter. ~ L.D. Davis

Tohr jacked forward his in his seat. "What the hell!"
As Lassiter's big body cut through the projection onto the screen, a gigantic pair of flapping breasts covered his face and chest. "Adventures in the Milfy Way. A true classic."
"It's porn!"
"Duh
"
"Okay, I am not sitting through this with you"
The angel, still standing up. shrugged. "Just wanted to make sure you know what you're missing. ~ J.R. Ward

Writing is not for me. I completely lose my sense of humor when I write. I become extremely pathetic, very sensational. Images give me possibilities that I don't have with words. ~ Marjane Satrapi

Valentine's day without your love is like a year without the Internet. ~ Santosh Kalwar

You should have seen the look on your skull... ~ Rich Burlew

Poker isn't all about the cards. Poker's mostly about attention. You got a woman whose legs are like yours, tits are like yours, hair is like yours and ass is like yours, all she's gotta do for me is sit there and half the men at the table won't be concentrating on their cards. They'll be thinking about your legs, tits, hair and ass, how much they want 'em and just what they'd do to get 'em."
"I appreciate the compliment, Ty, but I don't think I'm all that."
"You got a dick?"
I felt my mouth twitch.
Then I answered, "No."
"Trust me ~ Kristen Ashley

You don't need wings but courage to be SUPERMAN!!!! ~ Subhasis Das

Sex," the driver said, "Has no one ever told you about it?"

I took the New York Times from my carry-on bag and pretended to read, an act that apparently explained it all.

"Ohhh," the driver said, "I understand. You do not like pussy. You like the dick. Is that it?" I brought the paper close to my face, and he stuck his arm through the little window and slapped the back of his seat. "David," he said, "David, listen to me when I am talking to you. I asked do you like the dick?"

"I just work," I told him. "I work, and then I go home, and then I work some more." I was trying to set a good example, trying to be the person I'd imagined him to be, but it was a lost cause.

"I fucky-fuck every day," he boasted. "Two women. I have a wife and another girl for the weekend. Two kind of pussy. Are you sure you no like to fucky-fuck?"

If forced to, I can live with the word "pussy," but "fucky-fuck" was making me carsick. "That is not a real word," I told him. "You can say fuck, but fucky-fuck is just nonsense. Nobody talks that way. You will never get ahead with that kind of language."

Traffic thickened because of an accident, and, as we slowed to a stop, the driver ran his tongue over his lips. "Fucky-fuck," he repeated. "I fucky-fucky-fucky fuck. ~ David Sedaris