Richard Jeni Quotes

A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is ... zero.

In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.

That's why you have to like a guy like Charles Manson. Say what you will about Manson - he's one of the only people with the decency to look like a dangerous maniac the first time you meet him.

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

Easiest job you could ever have ... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?

Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.

I dont get that
people going to war over religion. I dont know, I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if youre going to war over religion, now youre just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.

There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.

When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion.

Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.

A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans ... weighs as much as the other two.

Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.

You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird!

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine ... look into that second, less painful career.

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?