Mallory Ortberg Quotes

I think female solitude is a mental condition as well as a physical state. You can be married and a spinster. I think spinster is an identity every woman can claim, if she will ... I feel like a lot of women, or a lot of feminists, joke about taking to the sea or living alone in a cottage as this kind of fun freedom.

The most successful Subway customers, of course, are the ones who can't keep their hands off their sandwich. Join your artist in the sandwich assembling process. That sneeze guard is a suggestion. That sneeze guard is trying to intimidate you into staying on the customer's side of the partition.

There's simply no way you can tell a woman you work with that you disapprove of her relationship with her adult child, no matter how much you think it would be better for him to move out.

I'm really not a journalist, and I don't do a ton of newsy pieces. Occasionally I'll write about something that's going on recently, but I really don't do a ton of stuff that's tied to current events.

Five-foot-8 is a perfectly normal height for a woman - it's slightly but not at all unusually tall and certainly shouldn't be causing you any torment.

Bad dental hygiene can lead to respiratory infections and an increased risk for heart disease and strokes.

I hate to get gender essentialist, but I'm starting to think that a lot of married men have some sort of heterosexually induced dentistry aversion.

It's an unfortunate reality of life that toxins are constantly building up in our bodies.

It can't hurt to have a backup.

Fear being the operative word, and not panic, which is why most of us have learned to start each incident log with a command like "Fear not," or "Dread not," or "Be thou not dismayed," or some other variation thereof

Some struggling marriages can be salvaged with hard work and counseling; others should be dismantled and stripped for parts.

Humor is always more interesting when it comes from someone who's had more than, like, five experiences.

If your wife briefly corrects someone with "Actually, I'm bisexual" during conversation, it hardly sounds like attempting to remain an object of desire to me. If she went around saying, "Actually, I'm still very interested in men, particularly you, you massive dose of sexual charisma," you might have a case.

Arm yourself with as many options as possible before making your next move.

With a few exceptions, birds are not to be trusted; it is not normal to have such soft, vulnerable bodies bookended with slashing beaks and razor-sharp claws. It is as unnatural as an armed marshmallow.

If someone you know is diagnosed with cancer, give them a call or send them a letter to tell them how sorry you are and to let them know how much you care.

Don't let a friend make you feel publicly uncomfortable indefinitely just because they're probably a lesbian.

-I WOULD BREATHE FOR YOU MY JANE
JANE WHERE HAVE YOU GONE
I AM BEREFT WITHOUT MY JANE
I SHALL SINK INTO ROGUERY

-i am with my cousins

-WHICH COUSIN
IS IT THE SEXY ONE

-Please don't try to talk to me again

-IS IT YOUR SEXY COUSIN
"ST. JOHN"
WHAT KIND OF NAME IS ST. JOHN

-I'm not going to answer that

-I KNEW IT
DID YOU LEAVE BECAUSE OF MY ATTIC WIFE
IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT

-yes
Absolutely

-BECAUSE MY HOUSE IN FRANCE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE AN ATTIC
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE WORRIED ABOUT
IT HAS A CELLAR THOUGH SO YOU KNOW
DON'T CROSS ME
HAHA I'M ONLY JOKING

There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child.

An adult woman should not be so possessive of her own birthday that she begrudges her friends the chance to get married on the same day.

In my final year of attending a Christian sports camp in rural Missouri, the year before I started high school, they began to offer an elective Bible study group for young Christians who wanted a chance to read in the afternoons instead of learn to water-ski.

I don't think it's a requirement that a happy, fulfilling relationship also provide the best sex of all time.

Being beautiful had never prevented her from remaining in the woods alone before, but there was nothing she could do about it. Beauty was what gave him the right to talk to her as if they had been introduced, and take her hand, and make her wear his cloak, and take her from her tree and to his home.

you're damn right it'd be something caves of ice and ancestral war voices prophesying about damsels and sacred rivers screaming beware and your hair would float and ugh hang on two seconds there's a guy here

I have a lot of faith in the power of joking to make something thoughtful.

Most of us, however committed we are to our ideals, will find ourselves every now and again reading an attention-grabbing headline from the Daily Mail or some other lowest-common denominator. That's not the same thing as frequenting a site like the white supremacist Stormfront.

I love reading religious authors. Especially in the sort of circle I move in, people tend to be more secular, and I love reading books by just really smart people of religious faith. It's always a really cool perspective.

We went to church twice a week. My parents were employed in ministry; we prayed before dinner. We rollerbladed in the summer. We were allowed to watch the 'Simpsons.' I fought with my younger brother over Legos.

She was beginning to learn the danger of silence, and that someone who wishes to hear a yes will not go out of his way to listen for a no.

To stop challenging someone from using anti-gay language simply because they persist in using anti-gay language strikes me as a defeatist approach.

Anyone who thinks it's funny to name their network "Tom'sHugeEtc" is going to think it's funny that one of his neighbors is also named Tom and is embarrassed by it.

It's one thing to be a high achiever; it's quite another to privately sneer at your girlfriend's friends after feigning friendliness because they have the "misfortune" to drive a bus for a living.

I expect it's hard for witches ... now that most people work in shops and factories, and haven't any crops to ruin. They must be terribly sad, those witches, to have to go from blighting wheat fields to blighting houseplants.

Tenancy laws can be so complicated; I want to make sure OP is protected as much as possible.

Depression cannot be overcome by listing a series of good things in one's life, any more than a broken foot can be healed by thinking about all the other bones you have that aren't broken.

A child is not a bargaining chip or a learning tool. Your focus, if you adopt a child of a different race, should be on nurturing and protecting your child from bigotry, not deploying him or her as an anti-racist Mr. Fix-It.

Some people give gifts in order to bewilder, confuse, and manipulate their recipients.

Someone who responds to "Please don't grope me" with whining and pouting isn't a friend. He's an asshole and a predator.

Addicts sometimes have a penchant for becoming the center of attention at other people's celebrations.

LGBT youth face a much higher risk of violence and homelessness after being rejected by their family of origin.

The Toast's audience is about 30-35 percent male, which shocked me because I would say that we actively try to discourage men from reading our site. Apparently, there's not insignificant number of dudes out there who think that what we are doing is okay.

If you don't like potlucks, the solution to your problem is "don't go to potlucks," not "insist other people don't have them."

I do not think it is selfish to want to donate a kidney "only" to family members.

You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely death.

Aren't you supposed to be an educated woman?'

'No. Purely decorative. I read a story once; it was terrible and my head ached for days.

To be grateful is to be wakeful and watchful," Paul said. "To be grateful is to remember. To be grateful is to acknowledge one's lawful debts and keep a balanced ledger.

When I think of Emily Dickinson, there's not one particular poem of hers that jumps out, but I do have a very vivid image of an ill woman with giant eyes who wants to write about the sun exploding.

The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in hives.

Perhaps you would not like being married to me,' Beauty said. 'I do not know how to talk to people, and I have terrible taste in shirts.

You're right to want to minimize your compulsive physical behavior in the workplace before it bothers your co-workers, but I hope very much you can also give yourself credit for the work you're already doing.

You are allowed to draw lines even if your feelings are irrational. Part of the marvelous business of being an adult human is that you get to set your own boundaries for whatever reasons you like, without appending a sensible rationale to them.

My history teacher could make us feel like he was imparting rare gossip to us when he was talking about Maria Theresa and the Habsburgs. I just loved that sense of - the Western canon is here, and it's gossipy and tawdry, and everyone is sort of goofy.

If you get a dog, take care of your dog! You can just not have a dog if you don't feel like taking care of one, it's very easy to not have a dog.

"Not being virulently and overtly racist against black people" and "treating gay people like human beings" are necessary conditions of greatness.

I grew up in a home where reading was a big deal.

I read my first P.G. Wodehouse when I was 12.

Everyone wants to be liked; everyone wants approval. No one likes being ignored.

frosting emergencies are just as real as other kinds of emergencies

Don't badger people without children into admitting the secret desire for children you're sure they have to you! Don't badger anyone! Leave the badgering to the badgers.

Periodontal bacteria can easily slip into the bloodstream and cause infection elsewhere in the body.

I'm on Twitter a lot of the day because I really like Twitter. It's great for jokes. But when I'm writing, I can't do anything else. I can't even listen to music. I just have to write, and then I can do something else. I can't multitask.

I graduated with an English degree and worked for awhile in academic publishing.

Did you know that, pound for pound, the moose is the leanest ruminant on Earth? It's true. Moose are very in tune with their natural surroundings.

If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, "Hey, I had a nice time, but I don't think things are going to work out between us." Only you can help fight ghosting.

A lot of my creative energy is spent coming up with a concept that, once I get it, I feel like it writes itself.

whoa
I wasn't LOOKING at a bird
wow where is this even coming from
the BIRD
wouldn't stop LOOKING
at ME

Don't beat yourself up over what you dream about.

haha must have been a weird typo it's illegal to hunt men but exhilarating

You have a right to be treated professionally at work, and it's your supervisor's job to make sure all their employees can perform their duties comfortably and safely.

Weirdly, often the more I write, the more ideas I have.

There's no specific mission statement for the 'Toast.'

If and when you do decide to share your experience with your husband, it should be because you feel ready to do so, not for any other reason.

It certainly was unusual growing up with two fairly well-known pastors as my parents.

(Remember you always have the option of taking to the sea.)

You can't prevent a possible future closeness between your upcoming child and one or more of their grandparents.

I love the art history ones because it's so little work for me. There's so many paintings that when I look at them, the look on the lady's face is like so clear and her body language and her posture or their physical situation is so immediately recognizable. Anyone who's been in a conversation they didn't want to have, or been getting harangued by a little kid they didn't want to pay attention to or been tired and wanted to go to bed is just like, "Yes, of course."

I have fun going on Twitter and the Internet. I feel safe and comfortable, and I wish everyone could feel that way.

I do not welcome Lord Vader quite literally attempting tot shove his religious beliefs down my throat.

Anything where I get to write a lot of jokes and have a lot of creative control - that's all I want.

what is a dream but a series of lies designed to keep us immobilized in a dark room for hours at a time

A woman who repeatedly asks a man she knows to be gay when he's going to get married and have children is not trying to let sleeping dogs lie.

Nothing good comes of reading other people's emails.

There are few things more disconcerting than realizing the first date you thought went so well was in fact a dud.

There has to be some kind of personal hygiene bar that a person needs to clear in order for a relationship to be successful.

Humans die," said the grandmother, "and humans suffer too, for they lead short lives and when they are dead, no one eats them. They are stuffed in boxes and hidden in the dirt, or else set on fire and turned into cinders, so no one else can make any use of them; they are a prodigiously selfish race and consider themselves their own private property even in death.

Diapers do not belong on the same table as food.

i'm going to kidnap your daughter someday and i won't let your nephew learn how to read because of how much i love you and scream at your grave and i'll rent your room out to some guy from London

I attended an evangelical Christian university on the outskirts of suburban Los Angeles and by the time of my graduation was neither evangelical nor Christian.

I'm of the opinion that it is always a kind and appropriate decision to get in touch with someone who's lost a loved one to remind them that you're thinking of them and have fond memories of the deceased.