Will Ferrell Zach Galifianakis The Campaign Quotes

I have never been much of a groomer. I take baths a lot, but I don't wear deodorant. I don't have to. I have a miraculous body scent. I've had women smell me and say that should be bottled. I would advise guys to lay off the Drakkar, because the cavemen weren't wearing it. They might have been putting mint leaves on their balls, but [your scent] is grown naturally. I have really good dating advice. ~ Zach Galifianakis

I used to be really cute. I could send you earlier photos where I'm stunning. But I've gained about twenty pounds over the past two years, and the more weight I've put on, the more success I've had. If you drew a diagram of weight gain and me getting more work, a mathematician would draw some conclusions from that. ~ Zach Galifianakis

I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers. ~ Zach Galifianakis

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread. ~ Zach Galifianakis

You know, sometimes if you work - if you do a lot of takes and you work long hours, for me, at least, there is a delirium that starts kicking in on the fifteenth hour, and that can help. Below the just thirteenth hour is where I have a concern, because everybody's so tired. ~ Zach Galifianakis

I did Bored To Death with Jason [Schwartzman] and Zach Galifianakis and those guys. I mean, how lucky can you be that you get to be the old guy? I get to be Robert Preston to them now. That's what I feel. My job is to pass on what Preston and other people gave to me, which was show up, take the work seriously, don't take yourself seriously, and have a good time and be of service. Be there to support. ~ Richard Masur

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name
and you've never been to that bar before. ~ Zach Galifianakis

I don't want my personal life to change. I don't understand why people strive for [fame]. I know it's ironic for me to be saying this, but this will be the last one I do. ~ Zach Galifianakis

I watch a happy person doing stand-up, and I go, "What the hell is this? This person's happy!" You need internal conflict. You need the guy to be out of step with society. It's a tool for comedy. ~ Zach Galifianakis

I call my balls the bush twins. ~ Zach Galifianakis

I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it. And I like to mumur out to myself: 'Bullshit!' ~ Zach Galifianakis

There's more to life than being an actor in a Hollywood movie. I'm not going to adapt my life after that existence, where a lot of people do. And they get the publicist, and they get all that stuff, and it becomes them. I think it's a stupid way to live your life. A really dumb way to live your life. ~ Zach Galifianakis

We all know how funny Morrissey is. Actually, you know what? I say that sarcastically. His songs are some of the funniest songs I've ever heard in my life. I mean, really. I mean, not that the 'Girlfriend in a Coma' is, like, really funny. ~ Zach Galifianakis

As a comic, it's anti-comedy to be known. I think a lot of comedic actors get lost in this world of Hollywood and all this stuff. They lose what brought them there in the first place. I'm very trepidatious about it. ~ Zach Galifianakis

I understand Tea Partyers' anger with the system, but they are in way over their heads and often racially motivated, and I can't be part of that. ~ Zach Galifianakis

Dr. Jules Hilbert: Hell Harold, you could just eat nothing but pancakes if you wanted.
Harold Crick: What is wrong with you? Hey, I don't want to eat nothing but pancakes, I want to live! I mean, who in their right mind in a choice between pancakes and living chooses pancakes?
Dr. Jules Hilbert: Harold, if you pause to think, you'd realize that that answer is inextricably contingent upon the type of life being led ... and, of course, the quality of the pancakes. ~ Zach Helm

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch. ~ Zach Galifianakis

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me! ~ Zach Galifianakis

You're not supposed to be accepting trophies. You're supposed to be in the back being mad that people are getting trophies. ~ Zach Galifianakis

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good. ~ Zach Galifianakis

I have a 60-acre farm in North Carolina, and I have a tractor and a farmhouse. As soon as I groom the land, I want to put cabins around and have a place where people can write and hang out. It'll be either that or an all-black nudist colony. ~ Zach Galifianakis

I've been happily dedicated to the same woman for a number of years. I never even look at other women. ~ Zach Galifianakis

Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money. ~ Zach Galifianakis

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever." ~ Zach Galifianakis

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means. ~ Zach Galifianakis

When I do stand-up for a long time, I'll get burned out, then I'll get an acting gig. For me, the grass is always greener. I'd like to do a mixture of all of it. My goal is just to do small movies that I've written. That's what I'm trying to do now, just write smaller movies. ~ Zach Galifianakis

That's one of the great things about comedy: we can - and should - say the things that other people aren't supposed to say. If we didn't do that, if we didn't push against those limits, we'd just be standing around onstage and yelling. ~ Zach Galifianakis

I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, 'Who's the boss now?' ~ Zach Galifianakis

I don't like to have anybody tell me to be in a place at certain times. That's kind of the advantage of stand up. You're self-employed. ~ Zach Galifianakis

People get TV deals by doing something in their grandmother's basement. It is definitely the wave. Everybody is trying to do all that stuff. I mean, the Internet is the only reason that I've gotten work is because I've somehow created a line and people have seen it. And then I've been asked to auditions. ~ Zach Galifianakis