Mort Lindquist Quotes

Hey," He croaked. "You. Arrogant bitch ghost."
"I'm not really into this whole hero thing," Mort said. "Don't have the temperament for it. Don't know a lot about the villain side of the equation, either." He planted his feet,facing the Corpsetaker squarely, his hands clenched into fist at his side.
"But it seems to me, you half-wit, that you probably shouldn't have left a freaking ectomancer a pit full of wraiths to play with. ~ Jim Butcher

Poets have tried to describe Ankh-Morpork. They have failed. Perhaps it's the sheer zestful vitality of the place, or maybe it's just that a city with a million inhabitants and no sewers is rather robust for poets, who prefer daffodils and no wonder. So let's just say that Ankh-Morpork is as full of life as an old cheese on a hot day, as loud as a curse in a cathedral, as bright as an oil slick, as colourful as a bruise and as full of activity, industry, bustle and sheer exuberant busyness as a dead dog on a termite mound. ~ Terry Pratchett

Death was standing behind a lectern, poring over a map. He looked at Mort as if he wasn't entirely there.
Yᴏᴜ ʜᴀᴠᴇɴ'ᴛ ʜᴇᴀʀᴅ ᴏғ ᴛʜᴇ Bᴀʏ Oғ Mᴀɴᴛᴇ, ʜᴀᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ? he said.
"No, sir," said Mort.
Fᴀᴍᴏᴜs sʜɪᴘᴡʀᴇᴄᴋ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ.
"Was there?"
Tʜᴇʀᴇ ᴡɪʟʟ ʙᴇ, said Death, ɪғ I ᴄᴀɴ ғɪɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴀᴍɴ ᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ. ~ Terry Pratchett

And so Mort came at last to the river Ankh, greatest of rivers. Even before it entered the city, it was slow and heavy with the silt of the plains, and by the time it got to The Shades even an agnostic could have walked across it. It was hard to drown in the Ankh, but easy to suffocate. ~ Terry Pratchett

If you were the only person left on the planet, I would have to attack you. That's my job. ~ Mort Sahl

The problem with living forever, of course, is you have to live forever before you know you're immortal ... or invincible. Even the gods, in this way, must always remain uncertain. Time trumps immortality just as uncertainty trumps omniscience, for a knower can only ever know what it knows, never what it doesn't.
(attrib: F.L. Vanderson) ~ Mort W. Lumsden

I made the mistake early in my career, when I moved to Hollywood, of being attracted to actresses. I used to go out exclusively with actresses and other female impersonators. ~ Mort Sahl

The sign above the door was written in French. It read: ARRÊTE ! C'EST ICI L'EMPIRE DE LA MORT.
"That means," he explained to Gini, "'Stop! It is here the Empire of Death. ~ Paul Aertker

There were four million people in the American Colonies and we had Jefferson and Franklin. Now we have over 200 million and the two top guys are Clinton and Dole. What can you draw from this? Darwin was wrong! ~ Mort Sahl

And he goes around killing people?" said Mort. He shook his head. "There's no justice."
Death sighed. No, he said ... there's just me. ~ Terry Pratchett

Death paused, his hand on the spine of the book. And why do you think I directed you to the stables? think carefully, now.

Mort hesitated, he has been thinking carefully, in between counting wheelbarrows. He'd wondered if it had been to coordinate his hand and eye, or to teach him the habit of obedience, or bring home the human scale, of small tasks, or make him realize that even great men must start at the bottom.
None of these explanations seemed exactly right.
I think ... he began.
YES?
Well. I think it was because you were up to your knees in horseshit, to tell you the truth.

Death looked at him for a very long time.Mort shifted uneasily from one foot to the other.
ABSOLUTELY CORRECT, snapped Death.Clarity of thought. Realistic approach. Very important in a job like ours. ~ Terry Pratchett

The-what? You went over my head?"
"It wasn't easy, I assure you," said Uncle Mort, shifting the car into gear. "That thing gets bigger every day. ~ Gina Damico

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference. ~ Mort Sahl

Greed, however it manifests itself, is always ugly. ~ Mort Herman

It struck Mort with sudden, terrible poignancy that Death must be the loneliest creature in the universe. In the great party of Creation, he was always in the kitchen. ~ Terry Pratchett

Practically every day, there is a story in the newspapers about a new breakthrough drug on Parkinson's. ~ Mort Kondracke

Life is only as precious as what we will die for. ~ Erica Lindquist

It's beautiful," said Mort softly. "What is it?"
THE SUN IS UNDER THE DISC, said Death.
"Is it like this every night?"
EVERY NIGHT, said Death. NATURE'S LIKE THAT.
"Doesn't anyone know?"
ME. YOU. THE GODS. GOOD, ISN'T IT?
"Gosh!"
Death leaned over the saddle and looked down at the kingdoms of the world.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, he said, BUT I COULD MURDER A CURRY. ~ Terry Pratchett

In other languages,
you are beautiful- mort, muerto- I wish
I spoke moon, I wish the bottom of the ocean
were sitting in that chair playing cards
and noticing how famous you are
on my cell phone- picture of your eyes
guarding your nose and the fire
you set by walking, picture of dawn
getting up early to enthrall your skin- what I hate
about stars is they're not those candles
that make a joke of cake, that you blow on
and they die and come back, and you
you're not those candles either, how often I realize
I'm not breathing, to be like you
or just afraid to move at all, a lung
or finger, is it time already
for inventory, a mountain, I have three
of those, a bag of hair, box of ashes, if you
were a cigarette I'd be cancer, if you
were a leaf, you were a leaf, every leaf, as far
as this tree can say. ~ Bob Hicok

Albert grunted. "Do you know what happens to lads who ask too many questions?"
Mort thought for a moment.
"No," he said eventually, "what?"
There was silence.
Then Albert straightened up and said, "Damned if I know. Probably they get answers, and serve 'em right. ~ Terry Pratchett

We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were. ~ Mort Sahl

It is not true that nice guys finish last. Nice guys are winners before the game even starts. ~ Mort Walker

Death is just your body running out of ammunition. Slam in a fresh battery and keep fighting! ~ Erica Lindquist

Lex poked Elysia. "The relationship is going well, it seems."
Elysia's face erupted with worry. "Oh, Lex, I'm so sorry. It just sort of . . . happened. We were in that hotel for so many days, just waiting around to hear word from Croak, waiting for Mort to figure out a way to rescue you guys. And Wicket and Lazlo not letting us leave, we just went a little stir-crazy and - omigod, I must seem like such a bad friend, and all while you were still stuck in that awful jail and poor Driggs and - "
"Lys," Lex said, taking her by the shoulders before she could launch into a full-blown monsoon of tears. "It's fine. I think we've all learned a thing or two about taking happiness where you can get it. Plus . . . you know. It's about time."
"About time? What do you mean?"
"I mean you two have been itching to get into each other's pants since the dawn of earth."
Elysia looked shocked for a moment, then sighed. "I don't know what I'm thinking," she said, staring back and forth between her mostly uneaten sandwich and Ferbus. "He's gross. He's mean. He's ugly. He's a lousy drunk, he's the biggest nerd on the planet, he looks like a leprechaun, his hair is the color of Cheetos - "
"And you luuurve him."
Elysia scowled and crossed her arms. "And I lurve him. ~ Gina Damico

Who's that man you were talking to?"

"Oh, that's Norwood. He was checking you in for your first shift. I'll introduce you tomorrow."

She made a face. "No rush."

"I mean, you were scheduled to have a brief orientation with him today, but you know, you needed your beauty sleep, so we don't have time. Are you aware, Lex, that sloth is a deadly sin?"

She made a face at him, then glanced back at the hallway. She thought she could make out a bustle of activity behind the array of frosted glass tiles that lined its right-hand wall, but Uncle Mort ushered her out the front door too quickly for her to get a closer look.

"Wait, we're done here?"

"Well, I was going to show you around upstairs as well, but - "

"No time. Sloth. I get it."

"Deadly sin. ~ Gina Damico

I found people looked better when they laughed ~ Mort Sahl

The shock of orgasm pulls you under the wave you never saw coming. It wrestles you to the point of exhaustion and allows you to breathe only when you've died la petite mort. When you've given all and received everything in return. ~ Megan Mitcham

In the forties, to get a girl you had to be a GI or a jock. In the fifties, to get a girl you had to be Jewish. In the sixties, to get a girl you had to be black. In the seventies, to get a girl you've got to be a girl. ~ Mort Sahl

Nixon's the kind of guy that if you were drowning fifty feet off shore, he'd throw you a thirty foot rope. Then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way. ~ Mort Sahl

You know me, I love lost causes. ~ Mort Sahl

They don't go in for the fancy or exotic, but stick to conventional food like flightless bird embryos, minced organs in intestine skins, slices of hog flesh and burnt ground grass seeds dipped in animal fats; or, as it is known in their patois, egg, sausage, bacon and a fried slice of toast. ~ Terry Pratchett

I took Beetle home thinking that after the Korean War was over, I would have to take him out of the Army. I thought, well, what am I going to do with him? ~ Mort Walker

There's a danger our fiscal bankruptcy might overtake our moral bankruptcy. ~ Mort Sahl

A Yuppie is someone who believes it's courageous to eat in a restaurant that hasn't been reviewed yet. ~ Mort Sahl

Remember when movies were just good or bad, before auteurs, film festivals, and guys from USC who were the first to shoot underwater? ~ Mort Sahl

Lex was about to ask what in the dickens that was supposed to mean, but then Uncle Mort nodded at Wicket in a secretive manner, which roughly translated as 'Screw you and your curiosities, Lex. We're telling you NOTHING. ~ Gina Damico

And speaking of Terms, we need to set a few ground rules here with ... this," he said, clearing his throat and gesturing at the two of them.
"With what?" Lex said.
"That," Uncle Mort replied, pointing to a suspicious-looking mark on her neck.
Lex's hand flew to her throat while Driggs shifted, uneasy.
"Why?" he asked.
"Don't 'why?' me, Romeo. You know I trust you, but Lex is still my niece. In the absence of her father, it's up to me to do everything in my power to complicate and interfere with her budding love life."
Lex frowned. "Hey- ~ Gina Damico

So here's the drill. Every morning you'll come here to the Bank to check in with the Etceteras."

"Wait, what?"

"Etceteras. ETC stands for Ether Traffic Controllers, and the nickname just evolved from there."

"What does that make us, then?"

"Well, technically," said Uncle Mort, "we're called Gamma Removal and Immigration Managers - "

"But are more commonly known as Grims," Driggs said.

"Can't say I approve of the term." Uncle Mort flourished his razor-sharp scythe and smiled. "We're not that grim, are we?"

Lex snickered. ~ Gina Damico

Thorn grunted and the metal control fell from his spasming fingers. It bounced across the dusty concrete and I stomped down as hard as I could. I felt more than heard the metallic crunch under my boot. Another irreplaceable artifact ruined, courtesy of Julia Reed. ~ Erica Lindquist