Uncle Mort Quotes

So here's the drill. Every morning you'll come here to the Bank to check in with the Etceteras."

"Wait, what?"

"Etceteras. ETC stands for Ether Traffic Controllers, and the nickname just evolved from there."

"What does that make us, then?"

"Well, technically," said Uncle Mort, "we're called Gamma Removal and Immigration Managers - "

"But are more commonly known as Grims," Driggs said.

"Can't say I approve of the term." Uncle Mort flourished his razor-sharp scythe and smiled. "We're not that grim, are we?"

Lex snickered. ~ Gina Damico

Uncle Mort glanced at Pandora, then back at the Juniors. "Okay, kids. Brace yourselves. And try not to yell too much."
Elysia's hand tensed on Lex's arm. "I hate it when he says that," she whispered.
Uncle Mort gave them a sympathetic smile. "Remember that old chestnut about the wickedest Grim of all time?"
He pounded on the roof. Grotton's head popped down through the ceiling, a snaky grin stretching from ear to ear.
The screams were so loud, Dora nearly drove into a tree ~ Gina Damico

Uncle Mort pounded on the ceiling of the basement.
"I sense affection!" he yelled. "Knock it off, you two!"
Scowling at the camera, Lex retreated to the other end of the couch while Driggs pulled his shirt back down and gave her a disappointed look.
"Next time Crash us to a hotel room, okay?" he grumbled. ~ Gina Damico

We were just showering," Lex muttered.
"Of course," Uncle Mort said. "Everyone knows how impossible it is to zestfully clean without assistance. ~ Gina Damico

And speaking of Terms, we need to set a few ground rules here with ... this," he said, clearing his throat and gesturing at the two of them.
"With what?" Lex said.
"That," Uncle Mort replied, pointing to a suspicious-looking mark on her neck.
Lex's hand flew to her throat while Driggs shifted, uneasy.
"Why?" he asked.
"Don't 'why?' me, Romeo. You know I trust you, but Lex is still my niece. In the absence of her father, it's up to me to do everything in my power to complicate and interfere with her budding love life."
Lex frowned. "Hey- ~ Gina Damico

Lex was about to ask what in the dickens that was supposed to mean, but then Uncle Mort nodded at Wicket in a secretive manner, which roughly translated as 'Screw you and your curiosities, Lex. We're telling you NOTHING. ~ Gina Damico

Uncle Mort to Lex and Driggs: And if I hear any article of clothing being unzipped, unstrapped, unhooked, or unbuckled, you will lose the body part that it corresponds to. Understand? ~ Gina Damico

Ferbus assumed a hyperventilating position, his hands on his knees. 'Oh no,' Skyla said, concern splashing across her face. 'Is he anemic? Clinically asthmatic?'
'No,' Uncle Mort said, thwacking Ferbus on the head as he started climbing the stairs. 'Just lazy.'
'Clinically lazy!' Ferbus wheezed. ~ Gina Damico

Driggs whispered to Lex out of the side of his mouth as they walked, "I never got grounded before you came here."
"You never touched a boob before I came here either."
"Touché." He flashed a goofy grin as Uncle Mort shoved him into his room and slammed the door. "Worth it! ~ Gina Damico

Someone's going to recognize us," Lex said to Uncle Mort without looking at him or moving her lips.
"No, they're not," he said, staring forward, keeping the same straight face. "The guards aren't even watching."
He was right. What few guards were left in the lobby were scattered, disorganized. They shouted for the citizens to remain calm, all the while sounding fairly panicked themselves. No one knew what had happened, as the only witnesses were now casually strolling toward the front door without a single eye looking their way.
Until the receptionist let out a shriek. "There they are!"
Uncle Mort let out a huff of defeat. "Mar-lene," he whined. "I thought we were cool."
"So much for the Wink of Trust," Lex said. ~ Gina Damico

And what in the name of all this is disturbing did you mean when you said you're going to teach me how to Kill people?"
He snickered. "You didn't really think you were going to spend the whole summer milking cows, did you? ~ Gina Damico

Who's that man you were talking to?"

"Oh, that's Norwood. He was checking you in for your first shift. I'll introduce you tomorrow."

She made a face. "No rush."

"I mean, you were scheduled to have a brief orientation with him today, but you know, you needed your beauty sleep, so we don't have time. Are you aware, Lex, that sloth is a deadly sin?"

She made a face at him, then glanced back at the hallway. She thought she could make out a bustle of activity behind the array of frosted glass tiles that lined its right-hand wall, but Uncle Mort ushered her out the front door too quickly for her to get a closer look.

"Wait, we're done here?"

"Well, I was going to show you around upstairs as well, but - "

"No time. Sloth. I get it."

"Deadly sin. ~ Gina Damico

The-what? You went over my head?"
"It wasn't easy, I assure you," said Uncle Mort, shifting the car into gear. "That thing gets bigger every day. ~ Gina Damico

So . . . what's the plan, then?" Driggs asked, the opaqueness of his body coming and going in waves now, possibly in time with his heartbeat.
"Um - " Uncle Mort winced. "Hide."
Lex's jaw dropped as Uncle Mort ducked behind a tree. "Hide?" she sputtered in disbelief, falling over her own feet as she tried to conceal herself. "That's the best you can come up with?"
He gave her a look. "You got a rocket launcher in that bag of yours? No? Then hide it is. Grotton, get down!" he shouted at the ghost, who was now floating higher and seemed to be glowing more brightly.
Grotton lowered himself to the ground. "I was merely trying to provide a bit of light for your attempts at" - he let out a quiet snicker - "concealment."
Uncle Mort, suppressing the urge to reach up and smack the everdeathing snot out of their new companion, gritted his teeth. "Next time set off some fireworks, it'll be more subtle. ~ Gina Damico

You know what? I'm not going to bother with excuses," she said to Uncle Mort. "I don't know what I just did, but I'm a hundred percent sure I wasn't supposed to do it, so let's just skip over the scolding for now, and you tell me what's going on and we'll all go from there." His stern face didn't go away. "Sound coolsies? ~ Gina Damico

Uncle fought in Vietnam and then he fought a war all by himself. ~ Bob Dylan

Uncle Will frequently gave dramatic readings from the book he was writing on demon pox, which were very droll ~ Cassandra Clare

I decided as long as I'm going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly. ~ Stephenie Meyer

And if my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle. ~ Tiffanie DeBartolo

With our collective shock, what we saw seemed to be frozen into a state of suspended animation. Indelibly etched into our memories in terror, forever! My life was in slow motion, it was as if I was no longer in my body and this was a rather bad dream! It is almost impossible to describe with words what I saw, but I will try. This very experience is the one that has continued to shake me awake during the dense night of my lifetime. ~ Alfred Nestor

This matter of two sides to every question is bad logic and bad practice: sometimes there are no sides; sometimes there are a hundred. ~ Mort Sahl

I better get the hearse back before dark." Xanadu sighed. "Uncle Lee got into it with Aunt Faye about me even borrowing it." Grabbing Jamie by his cougar emblem, she added, "Let's go, girlfriend." She yanked him toward the parking lot. I heard Jamie say, "Could I ride in the trunk and pretend I'm a corpse? ~ Julie Anne Peters

La petite mort - that's what the French called orgasm. They believed that semen is sort of concentrated blood so that each time a man came he shortened his life a little by spilling blood that couldn't be replenished."
"And women?"
"Then, as now, men didn't much concern themselves with how women felt. ~ Michael Nava

I was looking through half-open eyes at the sky, like the first man, and thinking about how - there you are - my uncle had died, about how they would now be burying him, about how I would never meet him. I stood petrified, thinking that one day I too would die. At the same time I was horror-stricken to realize that my mother would also die. All of this came rushing upon me in a flash of a peculiar violet color, in a twinkling, and the sudden activity in my intestines and in my heart told me that what had seemed at first just a foreboding was indeed the truth. This experience made me realize, without any circumlocution, that I would die one day, and so would my mother, and my sister Anna. I couldn't imagine how one day my hand would die, how my eyes would die. Looking over my hand, I caught this thought on my palm, connected to my body, indivisible from it. ~ Danilo Kis

Father will bury us with both hands. He boasts of me to his so-called friends, telling them I'm the next queen of this kingdom. I don't think he's ever paid so much attention to me before, and even now, it is minuscule, not for my own benefit. He pretends to love me now because of another, because of Tibe. Only when someone else sees worth in me does he condescend to do the same.

Because of her father, she dreamed of a Queenstrial she did not win, of being cast aside and returned to the old estate. Once there, she was made to sleep in the family tomb, beside the still, bare body of her uncle. When the corpse twitched, hands reaching for her throat, she would wake, drenched in sweat, unable to sleep for the rest of the night.

Julian and Sara think me weak, fragile, a porcelain doll who will shatter if touched, she wrote.
Worst of all, I'm beginning to believe them. Am I really so frail? So useless? Surely I can be of some help somehow, if Julian would only ask? Are Jessamine's lessons the best I can do? What am I becoming in this place? I doubt I even remember how to replace a lightbulb. I am not someone I recognize. Is this what growing up means?

Because of Julian, she dreamed of being in a beautiful room. But every door was locked, every window shut, with nothing and no one to keep her company. Not even books. Nothing to upset her. And always, the room would become a birdcage with gilded bars. It would shrink and shrink until it cut her ~ Victoria Aveyard

What I was suddenly aware of was the importance of their being whatever each of them was
cocky and contemptuous, or bothered and beaten
as long as it was something they'd come to in their own way: the importance of being human, in fact. The peace and harmony Uncle Ian and the others claimed to be handing out in fact was death, because without being yourself, an individual, you weren't really alive. ~ John Christopher

Anything you try to quantify can be divided into any number of "anythings," or become the thing - the unit - itself. And what is any number, itself, but just another unit of measurement? What is a 'six' but two 'threes', or three 'twos' ... half a 'twelve', or just six 'ones' - which are what?
(attrib: F.L. Vanderson) ~ Mort W. Lumsden

You travel safely too, Auntie Diana. And bring that uncle of mine with you, Gallowglass said to the sea and the sky before he climbed back onto his bike and headed into a future he could no longer imagine nor postpone. ~ Deborah Harkness

A bright haze seemed to lie over everything, and she had a feeling of unreality, but the scene itself looked almost unbelievably wholesome, like something out of a commercial. Just your average family sitting down to eat turkey, she thought. One slightly flustered aunt, worried that the peas will be mushy and the rolls burnt, one comfortable uncle-to-be, one golden-haired teenage niece and her baby sister. One blue-eyed boy-next-door type, one spritely girlfriend, one gorgeous vampire passing the vegetables. A typical American household. ~ L.J.Smith

I pray to be a good servant to God, a father, a husband, a son, a friend, a brother, an uncle, a good neighbor, a good leader to those who look up to me, a good follower to those who are serving God and doing the right thing. ~ Mark Wahlberg

Everyone knew that Jim's creative coup d'etat came from a suggestion from his great-uncle Max, who lived on a farm in Iowa. According to Jim [Jackers], his uncle had Mexicans running the farm while his days were spent in the farmhouse basement reconstructing a real train car from scratch, which was the only thing he had shown any interest in since the passing of his wife. He traveled to old train yards collecting the parts. When someone asked him at a family function why we was doing it, his answer was so that no one could remove the train car from the basement after he died. When it was pointed out to him that the boxcar could be removed by dismantling it, reversing the process by which he had constructed it, Jim's great uncle replied that no Jackers alive was willing to work that hard at anything. ~ Joshua Ferris

I am enormously proud to be an American. I would say that the things that our corporate-controlled government has done at best are shameful and at worst genocidal-but there's an incredible and a permanent culture of resistance in this country that I'm very proud to be a part of. It's not the tradition of slave-owningfounding fathers, it's the tradition of the Frederick Douglasses, the Underground Railroads, the Chief Josephs, the Joe Hills, and the Huey P. Newtons. There's so much to be proud of when you're American that's hidden from you. The incredible courage and bravery of the union organizers in the late 1800's and early 1900's-that's amazing. People of get tricked into going overseas and fighting Uncle Sam's Wall Street wars, but these are people who knew what they were fighting for here at home. I think that that's so much more courageous and brave. ~ Tom Morello

The best that can be said for those like Senators Nelson and Landrieu is that they held out until Obama and Reid met their price. By now, I can't even recall what it took to make Joe Lieberman say 'Uncle!' But it just goes to prove that when politicians like these three refer to themselves as moderate Democrats, we should recognize that it's similar to the distinction made in a related field when call girls insist they're not streetwalkers. It's the same profession; only the prices differ. ~ Burt Prelutsky

If you die, you won't be my uncle anymore," Royce offered.
"Planning to do me in, are you?"

Royce pondered this a moment before saying, "Not until I'm older."

"How very reassuring. I shall sleep better at night, knowing it. Be sure to let me know the date on which you plan to kill me, won't you? ~ Michelle Willingham

I'm not an Uncle Tom ... I'm going to be here for 40 years. For those who don't like it, get over it. ~ Clarence Thomas

My uncle Max was a mountain, a shooting star, a big bear of a man, a piggyback ride waiting to happen, his pockets full of candy and, later money, or whatever the particular currency of our ages happened to be. He was rock concerts, baseball games, he was yes when my parents were no, he was a consolation for every disappointment. ~ Lisa Unger

Today I have gathered together my nearest and dearest, my sixteen nieces and nephews (Sit down, Grace Windsor Wexler!) to view the body of your Uncle Sam for the last time. Tomorrow its ashes will be scattered to the four winds. I, Samuel W. Westing, hereby swear that I did not die of natural causes. My life was taken from me–by one of you! ~ Ellen Raskin

Apparently I'm the only one who thinks this is the worst fucking idea since horses," Garrett says irritably.

"Horses?" Logan and Fitzy echo in unison.

"Like, horses in general?" Morris asks in confusion.

"As in, domesticating them," he grumbles. "They belong in the wild. End of story."

"Babe," Hannah hedges in, "are you just saying that because you're scared of horses?"

His jaw drops. "I'm not scared of horses."

She ignores the denial. "Oh my God, it's all coming together. That's why you wouldn't go to the Thanksgiving fair in Philly." She glances at the rest of us. "My aunt and uncle wanted to take us to this festival thing with all these cool booths and a petting zoo…and horseback riding. He said his stomach hurt."

Garrett visibly clenches his teeth. "My stomach did hurt. I ate too much fucking turkey, Wellsy. Anyway, I don't like this. ~ Elle Kennedy

Do I worry about overly retouched photos giving women unrealistic expectations and body image issues? I do. I think that we will soon see a rise in anorexia in women over seventy. Because only people over seventy are fooled by Photoshop. Only your great-aunt forwards you an image of Sarah Palin holding a rifle and wearing an American-flag bikini and thinks it's real. Only your uncle Vic sends a photo of Barack Obama wearing a hammer and sickle T-shirt and has to have it explained to him that somebody faked that with the computer. ~ Tina Fey

Do you understand the theory of that affair? replied my father.
Not I, quoth my uncle.
- But you have some ideas, said my father, of what you talk about.
No more than my horse, replied my uncle Toby. ~ Laurence Sterne

My Uncle, of course, would have been pleased to see someone with brown skin holding the office of president. ~ Alveda King

Nixon's the kind of guy that if you were drowning fifty feet off shore, he'd throw you a thirty foot rope. Then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way. ~ Mort Sahl

[Moses] is obsessed with hip-hop and wanted a gold chain like his uncle Jay-Z. ~ Gwyneth Paltrow

Cookie's cousin Lucille, for example. Or her second cousins. Or her uncle on her mother's side. Her whole family, in fact, was a Harvard study waiting to happen. ~ Darynda Jones

So I pulled the ridiculously small, unwrapped, box from the sleeve of my yukata (as they don't have pockets) and rather overly self-consciously handed it to her. She took the pitiful little box, held it up to her ear and gave it a cautious little rattling shake. -You didn't just put a couple of dried old beans in here, as a joke, did you? She suddenly glared at me suspiciously.
I heard a stifled bark from Yumi at that, and a deep gasp from Uncle Suzuki and Aunt Anda, followed by a moment of silence. -Of course not, you silly old goose, I snapped back, -just open it and you'll see what's inside! ~ Andrew James Pritchard

No front porches. My uncle says there used to be front porches. And people sat there sometimes at night, talking when they wanted to talk, rocking, and not talking when they didn't want to talk. Sometimes they just sat there and thought about things, turned things over. My uncle says the architects got rid of the front porches because they didn't look well. But my uncle says that was merely rationalizing it; the real reason, hidden underneath, might be they didn't want people sitting like that, doing nothing, rocking, talking; that was the wrong KIND of social life. People talked too much. And they had time to think. So they ran off with the porches. ~ Ray Bradbury

Wouldn't you like to make sure all those millions you give to Uncle Sam went to schools and hospitals instead of nuclear warheads?'
As a matter of fact, he would. Playgrounds for big kids, preschool programs to little ones, and mandatory LASIK surgery for NFL refs. ~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

What happened to your foot?"
"I had a little disagreement with an eagle
stupid birds, eagles. He couldn't tell the difference between a hawk and a pigeon. I had to educate him. He bit me while I was tearing out a sizable number of his wing feathers."
"Uncle," Polgara said reproachfully.
"He started it. ~ David Eddings

The anger that Uncle Junior has comes from my background. My father was the son of an Italian immigrant, and I've seen the fire of the Italian temperament. It can be explosive sometimes in ways that are both funny and tragic. ~ Dominic Chianese

When I draw, I rule the world. ~ Mort Walker

Ministry of magic?' bellowed Uncle Vernon. 'People like you in government? Oh this explains everything, everything, no wonder the country's going to the dogs ... ~ J.K. Rowling

Of course, in a novel, people's hearts break, and they die, and that is the end of it; and in a story this is very convenient. But in real life we do not die when all that makes life bright dies to us. There is a most busy and important round of eating, drinking, dressing, walking, visiting, buying, selling, talking, reading, and all that makes up what is commonly called living, yet to be gone through ... ~ Harriet Beecher Stowe

When he was gone, they were certain at least of receiving constant information of what was going on, and their uncle promised, at parting, to prevail on Mr. Bennet to return to Longbourn, as soon as he could, to the great consolation of his sister, who considered it as the only security for her husband's not being killed in a duel. ~ Jane Austen

Do you hurt uncle Kisten', he asked.( ... ) but Kisten beat me to it. "Only my heart, Audric," he said. "Ms. Rachel is like the sun. See her sparkling there with the wind in her hair and fire in her eyes? You can't catch the sun. You can only feel its touch on your face. And if you get too much of it, it burns you. ~ Kim Harrison

Marx wrote about finance and industry all his life but he only knew two people connected with financial and industrial processes. One was his uncle in Holland, Lion Philips, a successful businessman who created what eventually became the vast Philips Electric Company. Uncle Philips' views on the whole capitalist process would have been well-informed and interesting, had Marx troubled to explore them. But he only once consulted him, on a technical matter of high finance, and though he visited Philips four times, these concerned purely personal mattes of family money. The other knowledgeable man was Engels himself. But Marx declined Engel's invitation to accompany him on a visit to a cotton mill, and so far as we know Marx never set foot in a mill, factory, mine or other industrial workplace in the whole of his life. ~ Paul Johnson

Alex Robichek had survived their Italian exile; that Uncle Richard and Aunt Roszi were safe in Sacramento. ~ Edith Hahn Beer

You think that nothing matters as long as you're together, that nothing can harm you two or come between you because you're somehow protected by your feelings for one another.
-Uncle Antonio ~ Jessica Khoury

There are Russian spies here now. And if we're lucky, they'll steal some of our secrets and they'll be two years behind. ~ Mort Sahl

Uncle Jace says we will kill all the demins," he reported with joy. "All the demins!"
"Well, have you considered that your uncle Jace is a hurtful person?" said the demon. "Always rudely stabbing everyone, and sarcastic."
Max scowled. "Love Uncle Jace. Hate demins. ~ Cassandra Clare

In other words, science tells us that Adam and Eve are fictions. That Saint Paul or Uncle Tom Cobley and all thought otherwise is irrelevant. They were wrong. ~ Michael Ruse

I remember we all cried like the Missouri
when my Uncle Sol's coffin lurched because
somebody pressed a button
(and down went
my uncle
Sol
and started a worm farm) ~ E. E. Cummings

To be frank, I thought you were going to marry the princess.'
Mort blushed. 'We talked about it,' he said. 'Then we thought, just because you happen to rescue a princess, you shouldn't rush into things.'
'Very wise. Too many young women leap into the arms of the first young man to wake them after a hundred years' sleep, for example. ~ Terry Pratchett