Melody Beattie Quotes

Today I will practice healthy giving, understanding that caretaking and compulsive giving don't work. I choose what I want to give, to whom, when, and how much. It takes time to learn how to give in healthy ways. It takes time to learn to receive. Balance will come. ~ Melody Beattie

We cannot change others, but when we change ourselves, we may end up changing the world. ~ Melody Beattie

People and things don't stop our pain or heal us. In recovery, we learn that this is our job, and we can do it by using our resources: ourselves, our Higher Power, our support systems, and our recovery program. ~ Melody Beattie

Today, I will understand that I hold the key to my freedom. I will stop participating in my oppression and victimization. I will take responsibility for myself, and let others do as they may. ~ Melody Beattie

Everything comes at its appointed moment. - Joseph R. Sizoo ~ Melody Beattie

Letting go helps us to to live in a more peaceful state of mind and helps restore our balance. It allows others to be responsible for themselves and for us to take our hands off situations that do not belong to us. This frees us from unnecessary stress. ~ Melody Beattie

Accept yourself. Love yourself just as you are. Your finest work, your best moments, your joy, peace, and healing come when you love yourself. You give a great gift to the world when you do that. You give others permission to do the same: to love themselves. Revel in self love. Roll in it. Bask in it, as you would the sunshine. ~ Melody Beattie

I saw people who had gotten so absorbed in other people's problems they didn't have time to identify or solve their own. These were people who had cared so deeply, and often destructively, about other people that they had forgotten how to care about themselves. The codependents felt responsible for so much because the people around them felt responsible for so little; they were just taking up the slack. ~ Melody Beattie

Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, lives, and behaviors of others. They react to their own problems, pains, and behaviors. ~ Melody Beattie

Today, I will focus on having a good relationship with myself. ~ Melody Beattie

Caring works. Caretaking doesn't. We can learn to walk the line between the two. ~ Melody Beattie

We can trust ourselves to know when our boundaries are being violated. ~ Melody Beattie

If we are unhappy without a relationship, we'll probably be unhappy with one as well. A relationship doesn't begin our life; a relationship doesn't become our life. A relationship is a continuation of life. ~ Melody Beattie

We need to build downtime into our lives, so that we can have solitude without feeling overcome with guilt. ~ Melody Beattie

We decided that sooner or later you had to learn to live without almost everybody, at least for a while. Even people you didn't think you could live without. p 167
love always found itself again. ~ Melody Beattie

Today, God, help me practice the concept of acceptance in my life. Help me accept myself, others, and my circumstances. Take me one step further, and help me feel grateful. ~ Melody Beattie

Who you are is love. What love does is heal. ~ Melody Beattie

A friend, Scott Egleston, who is a professional in the mental health field, told me a therapy fable. He heard it from someone, who heard it from someone else. It goes:
Once upon a time, a woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a guru. She wanted, she said, to learn everything there was to know. The guru supplied her with stacks of books and left her alone so she could study. Every morning, the guru returned to the cave to monitor the woman's progress. In his hand, he carried a heavy wooden cane. Each morning, he asked her the same question: " Have you learned everything there is to know yet?" Each morning, her answer was the same. "No." she said, " I haven't." The guru would then strike her over the head with its cane.
This scenario repeated itself for months. One day the guru entered the cave, asked the same question, heard the same answer, and raised his cane to hit her in the same way, but the woman grabbed the cane from the guru, stopping his assault in midair.
Relieved to end the daily batterings but fearing reprisal, the woman looked up at the guru. To her surprise, the guru smiled. " Congragulations." he said, " you have graduated ". You know now everything you need to know."
" How's that"? the woman asked.
" You have learned that you will never learn everything there is to know," he replied. " And you have learned how to stop the pain". ~ Melody Beattie

This moment, we are right where we need to be, right where we are meant to be. ~ Melody Beattie

Learn the words: I feel. Let others say those words and learn to listen - not fix - when they do. ~ Melody Beattie

Today I will stop trying to control my relationships. I will participate at a reasonable level and let the other person do the same. I can let go, knowing that the relationship will find its own life-or not-and that I don't have to do all the work, only my share. ~ Melody Beattie

Except for normal human emotions we would be feeling anyway, and twinges of discomfort as we begin to behave differently, recovery from codependency is exciting. It is liberating. It lets us be who we are. It lets other people be who they are. ~ Melody Beattie

Are you balanced? Do you share your time, your energy, your life, as much with yourself as you do with those around you? ... Know your limits. You are one of the most important people you need to look after and love. Balance your time, your energy, your life with those around you. You'll be able to give more freely and joyfully as a result, and you'll be more open to the gifts of the universe. It's not wrong to give to others. But it's okay to say yes to ourselves, too. ~ Melody Beattie

The plan will happen in spite of us, not because of us. ~ Melody Beattie

Rest when you're tired. Take a break when life stales. Take time to recharge your battery. Energy isn't something you have - it's something you are. To give and give and give, to put out without taking in, depletes your battery. It drains you, runs you down. ~ Melody Beattie

If somebody rejects you or your choices, you are still real, and you are still worth every bit as much as you would be if you had not been rejected. ~ Melody Beattie

Today, I will trust that God will do for me what I cannot do for myself. I will do my part - working the Twelve Steps and letting God do the rest. ~ Melody Beattie

Today I will honor, cherish, and love myself. When I get confused about what to do, I just have to remember that I need to be true to myself. I will break free of the hold that others-and their expectations-ha ve on me. ~ Melody Beattie

I know when to say no and when to say yes. I take responsibility for my choices. The victim? She went somewhere else. The only one who can truly victimize me is myself, and 99 percent of the time I choose to do that no more. But I need to continue to remember the key principles: boundaries, letting go, forgiveness after feeling my feelings - not before, self-expression, loving others but loving myself, too. ~ Melody Beattie

We call it keeping up with the Joneses. They buy a boat and we buy a bigger one. They get a new TV and we get a big screen. They start a business and we start planning our articles of incorporation and the first stock release. And while we're so busy keeping up, we ignore our soul, the inner voice, that's telling us that it really wants to teach children to read. While it helps to identify with each other, we're not the same. So why compare ourselves on the basis of material things? Are you walking a path with heart in your own life, regardless of what others have? ~ Melody Beattie

Today, God, help me to know that it is okay to allow myself to be human. Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when I need to "fall apart. ~ Melody Beattie

Today, I will apply the concept of detachment, to the best of my ability, in my relationships. If I can't let go completely, I'll try to "hang on loose. ~ Melody Beattie

Codependents make great employees. They don't complain; they do more than their share; they do whatever is asked of them; they please people; and they try to do their work perfectly - at least for a while, until they become angry and resentful. ~ Melody Beattie

A man went to Istanbul, his first visit there. On his way to a business meeting, this man lost his way. He began raging at himself for getting lost, until a realization allowed him to transcend his ire. "How can I be lost? I've never been here before?" pp 104-105 ~ Melody Beattie

If we want to change what happens, we change what we believe and expect. ~ Melody Beattie

Denial can be confusing because it resembles sleeping. We're not really aware we're doing it until we're done doing it. Forcing ourselves - or anyone else - to face the truth usually doesn't help. We won't face the facts until we are ready. Neither, it seems, will anyone else. We may admit to the truth for a moment, but we won't let ourselves know what we know until we feel safe, secure, and prepared enough to deal and cope with it. ~ Melody Beattie

No - simple to pronounce, hard to say. ~ Melody Beattie

Let your mind and soul be at ease. Don't grasp and grab for the magic and miracles. When you reside in that place of stillness, the joy, miracles, and magic you're seeking will find you. ~ Melody Beattie

Don't give up hope. It took many of us twenty years or more to acquire these protective behaviors we umbrella with the word codependency. It may take as much time as that to let go of them. ~ Melody Beattie

Don't violate your own code of values and ethics, but don't waste energy trying to make other people violate theirs. ~ Melody Beattie

For each of us, there comes a time to let go. You will know when that time has come. When you have done all that you can do, it is time to detach. Deal with your feelings. Face your fears about losing control. Gain control of yourself and your responsibilities. Free others to be who they are. In so doing, you will set yourself free. ACTIVITY Is there an event or person in your life that you are trying to control? Why? Write a few paragraphs about it. ~ Melody Beattie

And gratitude is the solution. Being grateful for what we have today doesn't mean we have to have that forever. It means we acknowledge that what we have today is what we're supposed to have today. There is enough, we're enough, and all we need will come to us. We don't have to be desperate, fearful, jealous, resentful, or miserly. We don't have to worry about what someone else has; they don't have ours. All we need to do is appreciate and take care of what we have today. The trick is, we need to be grateful first - before we get anything else, not afterward. ~ Melody Beattie

Real power comes when we stop holding others responsible for our pain, and we take responsibility for all our feelings. ~ Melody Beattie

Detaching does not mean we don't care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. ~ Melody Beattie

Detachment also involves accepting reality - the facts. It requires faith - in ourselves, in God, in other people, and in the natural order and destiny of things in this world. We believe in the rightness and appropriateness of each moment. We release our burdens and cares, and give ourselves the freedom to enjoy life in spite of our unsolved problems. We trust that all is well in spite of the conflicts. We trust that Someone greater than ourselves knows, has ordained, and cares about what is happening. We understand that this Someone can do much more to solve the problem than we can. So we try to stay out of His way and let Him do it. In time, we know that all is well because we see how the strangest (and sometimes most painful) things work out for the best and for the benefit of everyone. ~ Melody Beattie

According to some Eastern religion, there is a belt that goes across the world, and I've heard that Minnesota is right in the heart of this spiritual-creative belt of energy. ~ Melody Beattie

I've learned that I have many, many soul mates here, and they come to me at the right time and in the right place. They come to help me when I'm lost, and each comes with different sets of lessons for me
usually, always, my most intense lessons
the ones my soul came here to learn. ~ Melody Beattie

We can stop picking on ourselves for picking on ourselvesWe can cherish ourselves and our lives. We can nuture ourselves and love ourselves. We can accept our wonderful selves, with all our faults, foibles, strong points, weak points, feelings, thoughts, and everything else. It's the best thing we've got going for us. It's who we are, and who we were meant to be. And it's not a mistake. We are the greatest thing that will ever happen to us. Believe it. It makes life much easier. ~ Melody Beattie

Set boundaries even when you're scared, and when it doesn't feel comfortable to do. Eventually setting boundaries will happen naturally for you, ~ Melody Beattie

Surrendering to a Power greater than ourselves is how we become empowered. ~ Melody Beattie

I'd like to make a motion that we face reality. - BOB NEWHART, FROM THE BOB NEWHART SHOW ~ Melody Beattie

I reacted to other people's feelings, behaviors, problems, and thoughts. I reacted to what they might by feeling, thinking, or doing. I reacted to my own feelings, my own thoughts, my own problems. My strong point seemed to be reacting to crises - I thought almost everything was a crisis. I overreacted. ~ Melody Beattie

Start today to follow your heart.
Map out your own journey.
Have the adventure of a lifetime. ~ Melody Beattie

It's hard to give up the self-esteem connected to being codependent and appearing 'right,' which is probably a survival behavior learned from growing up in a crazy family. It feels like you will actually disappear. ~ Melody Beattie

are experts at taking care of everybody around us, do we doubt our ability to take care of ourselves? What is it about us? Many of us learned these things because when we were children, someone very important to us was unable to give us the love, approval, and emotional security we needed. So we've gone about our lives the best way we could, still looking vaguely or desperately for something we never got. Some of us are still beating our heads against the cement trying to get this love from people who, like Mother or Father, are unable to give what we need. The cycle repeats itself until it is interrupted and stopped. It's called unfinished business. ~ Melody Beattie

react is important here. However you approach codependency, however you define it, and from whatever frame of reference you choose to diagnose and treat it, codependency is primarily a reactionary process. Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. But rarely do they act. They react to the problems, pains, ~ Melody Beattie

Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable ... ~ Melody Beattie

We can let ourselves enjoy life. If we want something and can afford it, buy it. If we want to do something that is legal and harmless, do it. When we're actually involved with doing something that is recreational, don't find ways to feel bad. Let go and enjoy life. ~ Melody Beattie

[Reactionaries] Just feeling urgent and compulsive is enough to hurt us. We keep ourselves in a crisis state ... ready to react to emergencies that aren't really emergencies. Someone does something, so we must do something back. Someone says something, so we must say something. Someone feels a certain way, so we must feel a certain way. WE JUMP INTO THE FIRST FEELING THAT COMES OUR WAY AND THEN WALLOW IN IT. ~ Melody Beattie

God, help me pay attention to my behaviors during the process of initiating relationships. Help me take responsibility for myself and learn what I need to learn. I will trust that the people I want and need will come into my life. I understand that if a relationship is not good for me, I have the right and ability to refuse to enter into it - even though the other person thinks it may be good for him or her. ~ Melody Beattie

Do we really have the right to take care of ourselves? Do we really have the right to set boundaries? Do we really have the right to be direct and say what we need to say? You bet we do. ~ Melody Beattie

Seek healing, a refilling of energy and spirit, as soon as you see that you need it. You don't have to push yourself to give, do, or perform when what your body, mind, soul and emotions need is to heal. ~ Melody Beattie

We don't have to take rejection as a reflection of our self-worth. If somebody who is important (or even someone unimportant) to you rejects you or your choices, you are still real, and you are still worth every bit as much as you would be if you had not been rejected. Feel any feelings that go with rejection; talk about your thoughts; but don't forfeit your self-esteem to another's disapproval or rejection of who you are or what you have done. Even if the most important person in your world rejects you, you are still real, and you are still okay. If you have done something inappropriate or you need to solve a problem or change a behavior, then take appropriate steps to take care of yourself. But don't reject yourself, and don't give so much power to other people's rejection of you. It isn't necessary ~ Melody Beattie

We need to set goals for ourselves. Start today ... if you don't have any goals, make your first goal getting some goals. You probably won't start living happily ever after, but you may start living happily, purposefully, and with gratitude ... Goals are gratitude in action. They give us the opportunity to build on what we already have. While achieving goals can be a lengthy process, we can learn to be grateful for each stage in the process of setting and meeting goals. ~ Melody Beattie

Few things can frustrate us more than trying to make a person someone he or she isn't; we feel crazy when we try to pretend that person is someone he or she is not. ~ Melody Beattie

The greatest gift we can bring to any relationship wherever we go is being who we are. ~ Melody Beattie

We learn the magical lesson that making the most of what we have turns it into more. ~ Melody Beattie

Going home means getting comfortable being who you are and who your soul really wants to be. There is no strain with that. The strain and tension come when we're not being who our soul wants to be and we're someplace where our soul doesn't feel at home. ~ Melody Beattie

Taking time to rest, renew, and refresh yourself isn't wasted time. Recharge. Choose what energizes you. ~ Melody Beattie

The vocation of putting people straight, of tearing off their masks, of forcing them to face the repressed truth, is a highly dangerous and destructive calling, ~ Melody Beattie

Map Your Own Journey Go on your own journey. Don't let others hold you back; don't hold them back. Don't judge their journey, and don't let them judge yours. All persons are free to have the experiences their souls lead them to. ~ Melody Beattie

Like it or not, i was already learning that in the worst and darkest time, I would find specks of light, moments of joy. What I didn't want to learn was the other, harsher lesson - that in life's brightest moments there would also be unbearable pain. p 87 ~ Melody Beattie

Ever since people first existed, they have been doing all the things we label "codependent." They have worried themselves sick about other people. They have tried to help in ways that didn't help. They have said yes when they meant no. They have tried to make other people see things their way. They have bent over backwards avoiding hurting people's feelings and, in so doing, have hurt themselves. They have been afraid to trust their feelings. They have believed lies and then felt betrayed. They have wanted to get even and punish others. They have felt so angry they wanted to kill. They have struggled for their rights while other people said they didn't have any. They have worn sackcloth because they didn't believe they deserved silk. ~ Melody Beattie

Embrace and love all of yourself - past, present, and future. Forgive yourself quickly and as often as necessary. Encourage yourself. Tell yourself good things about yourself. ~ Melody Beattie

Some therapists have proclaimed: 'Co-dependency is anything, and everyone is co-dependent.' ~ Melody Beattie

Gratitude turns negative energy into positive energy. There is no situation or circumstance so small or large that it is not susceptible to gratitude's power. ~ Melody Beattie

Today, I will watch myself and listen to myself as I go through my day. I will not judge myself for what I'm feeling; I will accept myself. ~ Melody Beattie

When our heart is broken, we can't hear it. And when we can't hear our heart, we can't hear God. ~ Melody Beattie

We do not lead others into the Light by stepping into the darkness with them. ~ Melody Beattie

Today I will refuse to jump into the middle of others' affairs, issues, and relationships. I will trust others to work out their own problems, including the ideas and feelings they want to communicate to each other. ~ Melody Beattie

Codependents: don't trust themselves. don't trust their feelings. don't trust their decisions. don't trust other people. try to trust untrustworthy people. ~ Melody Beattie

We see and understand more about our behaviors. We come aware. And aware. And aware ... Often, we feel uncertain about what to do with all this awareness. ~ Melody Beattie

Today I will surrender to discipline. I realize that sometimes it takes time to see the fruits of my labors, yet I still need to practice discipline. Help me to remember, God, that I'm moving forward, and that I'm learning the very important art of discipline. ~ Melody Beattie

Of all the judgments that we pass in life, none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves, for that judgment touches the very center of our existence. ... No significant aspect of our thinking, motivation, feelings, or behavior is unaffected by our self-evaluation ... . ~ Melody Beattie

Today, I will know that I don't have to worry about anything. If I do worry, I will do it with the understanding that I am choosing to worry, and it is not necessary. ~ Melody Beattie

Acceptance is the magic that makes change possible. It is not forever, it is for the present moment ~ Melody Beattie

Today, I will focus on what's right about me. I will give myself some of the caring I've extended to the world. ~ Melody Beattie

God, help me remember that when I admit and accept the truth, I'll be given the power and guidance to change. ~ Melody Beattie

It's easy to see and notice what we like in other people. Sometimes, it's not as easy to see the attributes and beauty in ourselves. It's good to see the beauty in others. But sometimes, take a moment and get excited when you notice what's beautiful in yourself, too. ~ Melody Beattie

We can ask for information and use words to forge a closer connection, but we don't have to take people around the block with our conversations. We don't have to listen to, or participate in, nonsense. We can say what we want and stop when we're done. ~ Melody Beattie

There are almost as many definitions of co-dependency as there are experiences that represent it. ~ Melody Beattie

Speak your truth.
Listen when others speak theirs, too.
When you let go of fear, you will learn to love others,
and you will let them love you.
Do not be afraid of dying.
But do not be afraid to live.
Ask yourself what that means.
Open your heart to love, for that is why you are here.
And know that you are, and always have been One
with Me and all who live. ~ Melody Beattie

All endings are inexorably tied to new beginnings. That's the
nature of the journey. It continues to unfold. It builds on
itself. It can't help itself from doing that. Cherish the moments,
all of them. You have seen and felt much in life so far. But still,
the best is yet to come. ~ Melody Beattie

I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction. Other people's lives, problems, and wants set the course for my life. Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify what I wanted, remarkable things began to take place in my life. ~ Melody Beattie

The test, the mark, of a person that's on a spiritual path is whether they can live in harmony. ~ Melody Beattie

Control is an illusion ... ~ Melody Beattie

Be patient. Relax and trust. Let go. Then, let go some more. ~ Melody Beattie

Recovery is not only fun, it is simple. It is not always easy, but it is simple. It is based on a premise many of us have forgotten or never learned: Each person is responsible for him- or herself. It involves learning one new behavior that we will devote ourselves to: taking care of ourselves. ~ Melody Beattie

Whatever we try to control does have control over us and our life. ~ Melody Beattie

A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior. ~ Melody Beattie