Justin Halpern Quotes

My mind was quickly consumed with thoughts of my girlfriend and all the good times we had had, like one of those cheesy montages ni eighties movies, when the angsty protagonist envisions himself and his ex holding hands on the beach, feeding a small puppy, getting into some kind of zany wrestling match with whipped cream. I interrupted my cliché memories by saying aloud: "Ugh, I'm feeling pretty low about this whole thing."

"You just gotta try to put it out of your head," he said, folding the paper halfway down to look at me.

"I know, it's just hard. I mean, I still have stuff at her place. What am I going to do about that? I still have a TV...," I said.

"Fuck the TV. Leave the TV. Cut your ties."

"It's a fifteen-hundred-dollar TV," I insisted.

"Go get that fucking TV. ~ Justin Halpern

The worst thing you can be is a liar ... Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two. ~ Justin Halpern

Eventually my dad got home from work and set his briefcase down.
'So. How was practice?' he asked
'It was good. Why? Did you hear it wasn't?' I said, trying to keep my cool.
'Son, no offense, but you play Little League. It's not the Yankees. I don't get daily reports about who's hitting the shit out of the ball ~ Justin Halpern

On Receiving Straight As on My Report Card Hot damn! You're a smart kid - I don't care what people say about you! ... I'm kidding, nobody says you're not smart. They say other stuff, but not that. ~ Justin Halpern

On Accidentally Eating Dog Treats
Snausages? I've been eating dog treats? Why the fuck would you put them on the counter where the rest of the food is? Fuck it, they're delicious. I will not be shamed by this. ~ Justin Halpern

On Being Afraid to Use the Elementary School Bathrooms to Defecate
Son, you're complaining to the wrong man. I can shit anywhere, at any time. It's one of my finer qualities. Some might say my finest. ~ Justin Halpern

The Internet has really democratized ideas. There are no real gatekeepers any more, because if you have a great idea, and you put it online, people will find it and it will get in front of who it needs to get in front of. ~ Justin Halpern

On My Trip to Europe I know you think you're going to get all kinds of laid. It's not a magic place, it's the same as here. Don't be stupid. ~ Justin Halpern

Justin Halpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter out of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching
and does it all seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a really, really funny book. ~ Laurie Notaro

It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumb shit. He knows how it works. ~ Justin Halpern

No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry.. ~ Justin Halpern

Writing a book is incredibly pleasurable, but very solitary. You have total control, but sometimes that can drive you insane. ~ Justin Halpern

We aint a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that. ~ Justin Halpern

I was an angst-y journal writing kid. ~ Justin Halpern

What Im trying to say is that what makes you up, its always been around, and it always will be around. So really the only thing you should worry about is the part you're at right now. Where you got a body and a head and all that bullshit. Just worry about living, dying is the easy part. ~ Justin Halpern

On the SATs Remember, it's just a test. If you fuck up, it doesn't mean you're a fuckup. That said, try not to fuck this up. It's pretty important. ~ Justin Halpern

Do people your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking. ~ Justin Halpern

You say you're sick, huh? Well, it looks like you've come down with a case of bullshit. ~ Justin Halpern

On My Eighth-Grade Graduation Ceremony They're celebrating you graduating from eighth grade? We just went to your sixth-grade graduation two goddamned years ago! Jesus Christ, why don't they just throw a fucking party every time you properly wipe your ass? ~ Justin Halpern

My instructor was a skinny guy in his midtwenties who had a shaved head that was always peeling from sunburns and who could only have smelled more like marijuana if he'd been made of it. The training vehicle was a mid- '80s tan Nissan that had working breaks on the passenger side; He often got his jollies slamming them on for no reason and then between wheezing laughs saying 'You were all like 'I'm in control of the car' and then I hit the brakes and shit and you were all like 'whaaaat? ~ Justin Halpern

Self-administering oral sex is not my cup of tea, but you have to hand it to him for his ruthless determination to enjoy himself. ~ Justin Halpern

On Sharing
I'm sorry, but if your brother doesn't want you to play with his shit, then you can't play with it. It's his shit. If he wants to be an asshole and not share, then that's his right. You always have the right to be an asshole - you just shouldn't use that right very often. ~ Justin Halpern

You can do what you want. But I can also do what I want. And what I'll be doing is telling everyone how fucking stupid your tattoo is. ~ Justin Halpern

See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested. ~ Justin Halpern

On Breaking the Neighbor's Window for the Third Time in a Year: 'What in the hell is the matter with you? This is the third time! You know, at this point I think it's the neighbor's fault....No, not really, it's your fucking fault, I'm just in denial right now that my DNA was somehow involved in something this stupid'. ~ Justin Halpern

I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving this shit. ~ Justin Halpern

Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom. ~ Justin Halpern

Listen up, if someone is being nice to you, and you don't know them, run away. No one is nice to you just to be nice to you, and if they are, well, they can go take their pleasant ass somewhere else. ~ Justin Halpern

I just wanted to compile these stories about growing up with my father and I wanted people to be able to enjoy them individually, but also the entire book as a whole. ~ Justin Halpern

The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out. ~ Justin Halpern

How the fuck should I know if it's still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn't good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes. ~ Justin Halpern

On Packing My Own Lunch
You have to pack a sandwich. It can't just be cookies and bullshit ... No, I said if you packed it yourself, you could pack it how you want it, not pack it like a moron. ~ Justin Halpern

My parents had irrational fears of Mexico and assumed that once you crossed the border, drug runners made you swallow a heroin balloon and then within the hour you were in a bathtub full of ice and they were harvesting your kidneys. ~ Justin Halpern

On Furnishing One's Home
Pick your furniture like you pick a wife; it should make you feel comfortable and look nice, but not so nice that if someone walks past it they want to steal it. ~ Justin Halpern

If it's not bourbon or sweatpants, it's going in the garbage ... No, don't get creative. Now is not a creative time. Now is a bourbon and sweatpants time. ~ Justin Halpern

The dog is not bored. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking Rubik's Cube. He's a goddamned dog. ~ Justin Halpern

Nobody likes practice, but whats worse: practicing or sucking at something? ... Oh give me a fucking break, practicing is NOT worse than sucking. ~ Justin Halpern

Seeing someone you used to date is a lot like watching highlights of your favorite team losing in the Super Bowl: just the sight of it hits you like a punch in the gut and makes you remember how upset you were when it all went down in flames. ~ Justin Halpern

Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens. ~ Justin Halpern

My dad is awesome. ~ Justin Halpern

On the Baseball Steroids Scandal People are surprised Mark McGwire did steroids? Look at him! He looks like they should have him in a stall on display at the fair with some poor son of a bitch cleaning up his shit. ~ Justin Halpern

You're ten years old now, you have to take a shower every day ... I don't give a shit if you hate it. People hate smelly fuckers. I will not have a smelly fucker for a son. ~ Justin Halpern

People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen. I don't know what will happen with your lady friend. I think she's a nice person, and I hope you get what you want. But do me a favor: Listen, and don't ignore what you hear. ~ Justin Halpern

Even though I grew up two hours south, I had rarely ventured to Los Angeles. I soon learned that my dad wasn't totally off base when he said, "Los Angeles is like San Diego's older, uglier sister that has herpes." ... "Remember. Family," he said. "Also, how do I get back to I-5? I hate this fucking city. ~ Justin Halpern

Human beings do dumb shit. You do dumb shit. She does dumb shit. Everyone does dumb shit. Then, every once in a while, we have a moment where we don't do dumb shit, and then we throw a goddamned parade and we forget all the dumb shit we did. So what I'm saying to you is, don't do something, or not do something, to punish someone because you think they did something dumb. Do what you want to do, because it's what you want to do. Also, bring me a grapefruit from the kitchen and some salt and pepper. ~ Justin Halpern

Listen, I don't give a fuck if you forget my birthday. I don't need people reminding me I'm closer to death. ~ Justin Halpern

I'm not a guy who curses very much in my personal life. When I curse it sounds like a kid trying to be cool. But I think there are quite a few people, my father being one of them, who use curse words rather eloquently. ~ Justin Halpern

Joey looked confused and horrified, like a stripper bursting out of a cake only to realize she's been accidentally delivered to a baby shower. ~ Justin Halpern

There is no definitive guidebook on how to pick the right partner, and even if there were, I'm way too dumb to write it. ~ Justin Halpern

If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you're a fuckup ~ Justin Halpern

Don't ever say stuff just because you think you should. That's the definition of an asshole. ~ Justin Halpern

On Talking to Strangers "Listen up, if someone is being nice to you, and you don't know them, run away. No one is nice to you just to be nice to you, and if they are, well, they can go take their pleasant ass somewhere else." On ~ Justin Halpern

On My Last-Place Finish in the 50-Yard Dash During Little League Tryouts It kinda looked like you were being attacked by a bunch of bees or something. Then when I saw the fat kid with the watch who was timing you start laughing ... . Well, I'll just say it's never a good sign when a fat kid laughs at you. ~ Justin Halpern

So, how's it going? You seeing some art and history or you too busy trying to slap your pecker against anything with a wet spot?" "No, I saw some art. We spent like two hours in the Louvre." "Nice. Two thousand years of priceless works of art and you bust through it in two hours. Eat shit, da Vinci," he said. "Where you heading next? ~ Justin Halpern

On My Interest in Smoking Cigars You're not a cigar guy ... . Well, the first reason that jumps out at me is that you hold it like you're jerking off a mouse. ~ Justin Halpern

Los Angeles is like San Diego's older, uglier sister that has herpes. ~ Justin Halpern

The thing with Bill Shatner is he brings something unique to everything he does. He's not the obvious choice for anything, but he always brings something special to it. ~ Justin Halpern

Before I proposed to my now-wife, I was understandably nervous. My father suggested that I take stock of all of my experiences and relationships with women, from my earliest memories to present day, and see if I had learned anything that might inform my decision. ~ Justin Halpern

You are four years old. You have to shit in the toilet. This is not one of those negotiations where we'll go back and forth and find a middle ground. This ends with you shitting in a toilet. ~ Justin Halpern

I feel like if I'm going to give you a book about my dad, then I really want to give you my dad, because he is interesting and he is funny and if you're buying a book about him, I don't want you to have to sit through stuff that's not him. ~ Justin Halpern

That woman was sexy ... Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them. ~ Justin Halpern

On Friendship
You got good friends. I like them. I don't think they would fuck your girlfriend, if you had one. ~ Justin Halpern

I just want silence ... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more. ~ Justin Halpern

Why would you throw a ball in someone's face? ... Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good. ~ Justin Halpern

All right. Here's the deal. You're eight," he said. "I'm nine," I said. "Do I look like I carry an abacus with your name on it? Cut me some slack here, son. ~ Justin Halpern

On my seventh birthday party:
No, you can't have a bouncy house at your birthday party ... What do you mean, why? Have you ever thought to yourself, where would I put a god-damned bouncy house in our backyard? ... Yeah, that's right, that's the kind of shit I think about , that you just think magically appears. ~ Justin Halpern

In the fall of 1998, I began my freshman year at San Diego State University, which my dad commonly referred to as 'Harvard, without all the smart people. ~ Justin Halpern

On My Response to Having My Tires Slashed Oh, don't go to the goddamned cops. They're busy with real shit. I don't want my tax dollars going to figuring out who thinks you're an asshole. ~ Justin Halpern

On Proper Etiquette for Borrowing His Car You borrowed the car, and now it smells like shit. I don't care if you smell like shit, that's your business. But when you shit up my car, then that's my business. Take it somewhere and un-shit that smell. ~ Justin Halpern

Not that bad? This ain't fucking MIT, this is ninth grade! Look at this shit!' he said, holding the progress report up. 'You got a fucking C in ninth grade journalism? How does that even happen? You work for the New York fucking Times? Couldn't break that big corruption story? Jesus Christ. Unbelievable. ~ Justin Halpern

Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later it's because it fucked you. ~ Justin Halpern

I love touring, I love making records, but eventually all I want ... I want to score. I want people to ask me to score their film or use my songs in cinematic ways. I think the ultimate media is a story that you can watch and feel and have a musical moment to. I think it's my favorite. I love watching something when music is creating motion within the motion. ~ Justin Vernon

I came up with a new reason
To write your name today
I plagiarized each letter
From a love note you wrote me.
The scent of ink was sacred to me
In that relapsed moment…
For a minute I could pretend
The paper reminded me of your skin;
I could pretend the glimmering ink
Was the moonlit lake
Of our summer night.
But the pretending crumpled with paper
And I threw us into the trash can
For the bridge between us is long burned
And it's time I accepted that. ~ Justin Wetch

If Pelagius had solved the problem of sin and human responsibility by arguing that humans are perfectly capable of doing whatever they want, Augustine solved it by saying that humans deliberately act against the good ideals that they don't know and are selfish, greedy, lustful, stubborn, and proud. In his words, people are non posse non peccare, "not able not to sin," because even the good things that we do are not out of love for God but for some lesser purpose. ~ Justin S. Holcomb

People don't believe that any politician is any different from any other one. ~ Justin Trudeau

I wish I could see butterflies burst from cocoons
Without tempering my amazement
Knowing all beauty eventually dies. ~ Justin Wetch

Better to lose a little rest now than a great of deal of it later. ~ Justin Hopson

Nashville's like any other hometown - after a while, it's stifling. ~ Justin Townes Earle

The shot was so precise that the bullet went out his forehead and shattered a whisky bottle against the wall behind the counter. ~ Justin Bienvenue

I just understand ... I mean this may sound kind of bigheaded, bullheaded, or cumbersome, but when people say they've had a really deep experience with the record, like it caused a divorce or it like ... I've gotten all these stories. ~ Justin Vernon

For me, I'm lucky to have a lot of close friends - through football or through my family. ~ Justin Tuck

I turned down a contract with a major network in New York my senior year of college in order to move to Los Angeles and pursue my acting career. But so far it's working out. ~ Justin Hires

I've really grown to love film, but I think occasionally you need to get up on a stage and see what's going on. ~ Justin Kirk

It's everyone's own decision to [be gay]. It doesn't affect me and shouldn't affect anyone else. ~ Justin Bieber

Towers' is the name of the dormitory that I lived in in college; it's made up of these two towers – North and South – my girlfriend lived in one and I lived in the other. It's about falling in love, but also about what happens when you've long fallen out of love and those reminders are still there. You drive by them, these two buildings, and you look, and you realise that we really built that up. That we really built that love into these things, and for a long time afterward looking at them really made me feel sad; to see these empty buildings that I don't go in to anymore. But then, as time goes on, they start to become kind of joyous in their own way: you can look at them and think 'that love was great and these buildings still stand tall'. But there's also an element of the fact that they're just buildings – they're gonna fall down one day, and they're not that important because there's new love in your life and you've got to break things down that get built up. ~ Justin Vernon

We'll never solve the problems we don't talk about. ~ Justin Young

Whatever mistakes her son might make in life, Cindy was sure God would have mercy on him. The church, she feared, might not. ~ Justin Lee

As far as the press is concerned, they're going to say what they want to say. Probably about 10-15 percent of the time It's accurate. ~ Justin Timberlake

I used to write songs that mimicked other songs that I would hear as a kid, cos I was 12 years old when I was writing those, right. And you hear a radio so all I'd write about was [sings] "hey girl, look at you", you know what I mean. I think that even doing that made it easier for me to write non-personal songs because, from a kid, I never wrote personal songs, they were always like mimicking. And now I'm just trying to understand my writing and where it's coming from. ~ Justin Nozuka

The guy could sell sunlamps in a cancer ward. ~ Justin Cronin

I had been thinking for a while about how bored and tired I was of playing straight-down-the-middle everymanish characters that have what I call white guy problems. And I missed playing characters who lacked dignity and more importantly, lacked social skills. ~ Justin Long

I got out of bed and opened the door. I was still naked, still sweaty and disheveled and glowing from all the love and passion and eating of buttholes. ~ Justin Grimbol

Kittredge had obviously misjudged her, but he had learned that was the way with most people. The story was never the story, and it surprised you, how much another person could carry. ~ Justin Cronin

My mother was being hounded by a debt collector over a debt that she didn't owe, and she eventually just paid it because she wanted the calls to stop. I was very surprised. It sounded so strange. I started poking around on the Internet and found this was extremely common. ~ Jake Halpern

A beautiful person is not defined by a hair style, a pair of shoes, it's not the logos on the T-shirt, the sport's team on a hat, the designer's name on a hand bag, or even how you smell.

Instead, beauty lies in who you are when no one is watching, the person you are when there's nothing to hide behind. No amount of concealer can cover up a cantankerous heart, but all the make-up in the world can't add a single lumen to the brightness of a beautiful soul. ~ Justin Young

To the ordinary, opposite, means hatred. Every person sees themselves as love. To the extraordinary, opposite means opportunity. ~ Justin K. McFarlane Beau

Evidence is of no longer consequence when hope enters the fray, and this is
where faith is born - a seemingly abundant commodity certain powerful
organizations feed on fervently, if not lavishly. ~ Justin Villanueva

Your actions speak to your beliefs and strengthen them. Submodalities and Changing the Meaning of the Past ~ Justin Albert

Hey, tell me, when did this conversation go completely whoosh? ~ Justin Richards

Do we still hang people?" Henry asks, philosophically. When he doesn't get an answer, he adds, "If not, I'm bringing hanging back."
So that's what Justin Timberlake would sound like if he were a serial killer. ~ Emma Chase