Humor Hats Quotes

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana? ~ Henny Youngman

It is always cruel to laugh at people, of course, although sometimes if they are wearing an ugly hat it is hard to control yourself. ~ Lemony Snicket

The great thing about knowing stuff is that anyone can do it. ~ Ken Jennings

Present company excluded, this looked to be the most pleasant detention ever experienced by mankind. Further proof that librarians should run the world-or a least be in charge of detention at Bathory High. ~ Heather Brewer

I respect your right to hold your religious beliefs, and if they help you, I think that's great. I would, however, like to inform you that you are a raving kook. ~ Scott Dikkers

I was a poster child ... for birth control! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I'm a Christian first, and a mean-spirited, bigoted conservative second, and don't you ever forget it. You know who else was kind of "divisive" in terms of challenging the status quo and the powers-that-be of his day? Jesus Christ. ~ Ann Coulter

And what would you like, Sharie?" asked Miss Mush.
"What do you have?" asked Sharie.
"Potato salad".
"What else is there?" asked Sharie.
"Nothing" said Miss Mush.
"Okay" said Sharie. "I'll have that."
"Potato salad?" asked Miss Mush.
"No,nothing." said Sharie. ~ Louis Sachar

Some of the best sex I can barely remember. ~ Chelsea Handler

In Joey's neighborhood the blocks were short and there were stop signs on every corner. It was hard to get going more than fifteen miles an hour, and on those lazy streets Joey's refurbished 1973 El Dorado convertible got about eight blocks to the gallon. ~ Laurence Shames

If you invited a hedge wizard to a party, he would spend half the evening talking to your potted plant. And he would spend the other half listening. ~ Terry Pratchett

It is very fascinating to observe one Ngwa politician who is dreaming of becoming the future governor of Abia State Nigeria, yet he/she does not know what he/she doesn't know. ~ Charles Nwosu

She swept away, putting an extra kink into her walk. I would not have thought that a woman with an ass that bony could make it wiggle so much but she proved me wrong. ~ Ilona Andrews

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck ~ George Carlin

I like to see an angry Englishman," said Poirot. "They are very amusing. The more emotional they feel the less command they have of language. ~ Agatha Christie

I collect hats. That's what you do when you're bald. ~ James Taylor

We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call 'misdirected rage'. I believe the technical term is being an ass. ~ Natsuki Takaya

Come humans, fulfill your evolutionary purpose adn build your hound a fire. Oberon ~ Kevin Hearne

Luce blushed. "Then what kind of angel are you?"
"I'm sort of in between gigs right now," Daniel said. ~ Lauren Kate

All a publisher has to do is write cheques at intervals, while a lot of deserving and industrious chappies rally round and do the real work. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

Swinging the door open, I took a sip. All of the coffee in the world wouldn't help if more visitors showed up at my door this early in the morning but the caffeine fortification was a bonus. The delivery guy pushed his clipboard at me. I held up my cup and raided my eyebrows.
We had an entire conversation in the next seven seconds with our eyes and eyebrows.
I told him that I wasn't giving up my coffee for his delivery. He told me that if I'd just sign on the damned dotted line he would get the hell out of here.
I replied in turn that if he'd hold the clipboard instead of shoving it at me (I threw in a nod here for good measure), I'd sign the damned line.
He finally sighed, turned the clipboard around and held the pen out.
I braced the door with my hip, grabbed the pen and scrawled Wilma Flinstone on the paper. ~ Nicole Hamlett

Well, come back and have tea with us," saidMoon-Face. "Silky's got some Pop Biscuits -andI've made some Google Buns. I don't often makethem-and I tell you they're a treat! ~ Enid Blyton

Well, excuse the hell out of me for trying to help. I heard a crash and thought someone was hurt. You could've fallen. On a pair of Scissors. Slit your jugular. How was I to know? Next time you're in need of life saving action, don't come to me…'Dan, help me, I've broken my spleen,' because you know what I'm going to say? 'Sorry about the spleen, dude, I have to stay in the back room for all of eternity. ~ Leah Rae Miller

Do not pollute my perfectly acceptable figurative speech with irrelevant facts! ~ Courtney Milan

'Why are you yelling at the television when you know they cannot hear you?'

'You wouldn't understand,' said Asher, his gaze locked on the screen. 'It's a human thing.' ~ Rowan McBride

Do you expect to learn anything at Shiz?" he asked. "I have already learned not to speak to strangers." "Then I will introduce myself and we will be strangers no longer. I am Dillamond." "I am disinclined to know you. ~ Gregory Maguire

It's called the FATLOSE trail. FATLOSE stands for 'Fecal Administration To LOSE weight,' an example of PLEASE -  Pretty Lame Excuse for an Acronym, Scientists and Experimenters. ~ Mary Roach

Age is always advancing and I'm fairly sure it's up to no good. ~ Jim Butcher

What are you?" she asked. "A monster," said Kell hoarsely. "You'd better let me go." The girl gave a small, mocking laugh. "Monsters don't faint in the presence of ladies." "Ladies don't dress like men and pick pockets," retorted Kell. Her smile only sharpened. "What are you really?" "Tied to your bed," said Kell matter-of-factly. "And?" His brow furrowed. "And in trouble. ~ Victoria Schwab

Along with Coach Edge, who was still so charged with adrenaline that every time the ship hit turbulence, he swung his bat and yelled, Die! ~ Rick Riordan

Don't panic. Don't panic.
Someone opens the door.
Do not panic.
"Hi."
I'm smiling, but I find myself leaning awkwardly to my chair. Crap, I am panicked. ~ Rea Lidde

A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself. ~ Jessamyn West

May the words come easy, the doubt be weak, and the coffee strong enough to eat through steel. (I don't drink coffee...but I understand most authors do, and they like it with a bit of fight in it.) Now, let us boot up, sit down, and accrue those daily page counts! ~ G. Allen Cook

Every day was filled with surprises. What a change from the network affiliate. Her new boss was an undead automaton from hell, true, but no job was perfect. ~ Daniel Suarez