Humor Hawaii Quotes

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? ~ Steven Wright

Dance of the Sugar Plum Bikey. Yes, that's got a nice ring to it. ~ Louise Rennison

Now, when any vicious simpleton excites my disgust by his paltry ribaldry ... ~ Charlotte Bronte

Whoa!" I jerked my hand up to stop him. "Wait, what?" I asked as sick horror shot through me. "You mean, like when the bodies get cut open?"
Delight lit his face. "Yes, you'll be helping with the autopsies. You didn't know that? ~ Diana Rowland

I think if Jesus would have been alive today, he would have been all about the pot. I think he would have really grooved on it, and that's why he would've gone to jail today. ~ Laura Moriarty

'It's not you, it's me.'
'Oh God. That's exactly what my last three boyfriends said when they dumped me. Is it in the Y-Chromosome User's Manual or something?'
He grinned. 'On page five. But, you know, don't tell anyone I told you.' ~ Kim Fielding

Some honest people think it is better to know the ways of the devil without being evil. ~ Janvier Chouteu-Chando

Alas, my being the James Bond of vampires isn't the whole issue. Vanity must wait. ~ Anne Rice

Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired. ~ Mark Twain

Mrs. Palmer is a teacher so naturally I assumed she would never do anything good for me. ~ Jim Benton

There was also a great absence of people, including behind the mahogany-topped reception desk. Now, there's a time when an unlocked premises is a positive boon to a police officer as in – I was just looking to ascertain the whereabouts of the proprietor when I stumbled across the Class A controlled substances which were in plain sight in the bottom drawer of a locked desk in an upstairs office, M'lord. ~ Ben Aaronovitch

We didn't have rehab back in the Seventies. Back in the Seventies, rehab meant you stopped doing coke, but you kept smoking pot and drinking for a couple more weeks. ~ Denis Leary

He who laughs last laughs the laughiest. ~ Louise Rennison

Leave me alone, or I will shoot," a woman's husky voice rang out through the broken window. "I'm not too afraid to blow your ass right back to whatever hell you come from. ~ Rose Wynters

You learn timing on the road. You learn structure and how to read an audience. You learn so much about the business of laughter that you can't learn on a set, because it's all on you. Sometimes you bomb, and you know not to tell that joke again ... You just hope people find the humor in the awkwardness. ~ Marlon Wayans

Carl Reiner. He had an entrenched sense of glee; he used humor as a gentle way of speaking difficult truths; ~ Steve Martin

Sophie held the [hand]cuffs higher, hopint to instill some sense of shame, if not in him, then at least in herself. One look at him and she wanted him again. "I found them in the bed."
"That makes sense," Phin said. "That's where I lost them."
"I'd ask what you were doing with them," Sophie said, trying not to sound bitchy, "but I probably don't want to know, do I?"
"Sure you do. It was exciting and different and depraved." Phin nodded toward the stairs. "Go put them someplace we can find them, and I'll show you later. ~ Jennifer Crusie

This was, he told the King, a femfatalatron, an erotifying device stochastic, elastic and orgiastic, and with plenty of feedback; whoever was placed inside the apparatus instantaneously experienced all the charms, lures, wiles, winks and witchery of all the fairer sex in the Universe at once. The femfatalatron operated on a power of forty megamors, with a maximum attainable efficiency - given a constant concupiscence coefficient - of ninety-six percent, while the system's libidinous lubricity, measured of course in kilocupids, produced up to six units for every remote-control caress. This marvelous mechanism, moreover, was equipped with reversible ardor dampers, omnidirectional consummation amplifiers, absorption philters, paphian peripherals, and "first-sight" flip-flop circuits, since Trurl held here to the position of Dr. Yentzicus, creator of the famous oculo-oscular feel theory.
There were also all sorts of auxiliary components, like a high-frequency titillizer, an alternating tantalator, plus an entire set of lecherons and debaucheraries; on the outside, in a special glass case, were enormous dials, on which one could carefully follow the course of the whole decaptivation process. Statistical analysis revealed that the femfatalatron gave positive, permanent results in ninety-eight cases of unrequited amatorial superfixation out of a hundred. ~ Stanisław Lem

I wasn't sure if I was charmed by his reluctance to share a bed with a girl or insulted that, apparently, I wasn't hot enough for him to charge the mattress like a bull. ~ Maggie Stiefvater

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? ~ James Thurber

The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, I want to love, I want to live ... ~ David Sedaris

Well, there it is. That's Jeeves. Where others merely smite the brow and clutch the hair, he acts. Napoleon was the same. ~ P.G. Wodehouse

She washed he hands,then looked at my side. "you haven't even had it stitched?" She said incredulously.
"I've been rather busy," I said. "With the running like hell and hiding all night. ~ Patrick Rothfuss

Shayna wasn't so lucky. She waved as she passed her. "Looking good, Mrs. Mancuso."
No. She wasn't. Mrs. Mancuso's neck skin dragged a path between the tulips. "Go to church and get some morals, hussy! ~ Cecy Robson

Joke in book:
You know the difference between a brownnoser and a shithead, right? Depth perception. ~ Elisabeth Naughton

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth. ~ George Bernard Shaw

This guy's testimony is awesome. I hate my testimony. I wish I was addicted to heroin. But no. I had to grow up in a somewhat functional family situation. It's just not fair. Why can't I be a crack addict who robbed Fort Knox using nothing but a can of hairspray and a plastic ice cream scoop? Thanks a lot, God. ~ Tim Hawkins

Humor, to be comprehensible to anybody, must be built upon a foundation with which he is familiar. If he can't see the foundation the superstructure is to him merely a freak
like the Flatiron building without any visible means of support
something that ought to be arrested. ~ Mark Twain

Humor is the only thing I've got left. Humor and determination. ~ Brandon Sanderson

Miss Allison realised with a slight sinking of the heart that she was to be made the recipient of confidences. ~ Georgette Heyer

I'm growing fonder of my staff;
I'm growing dimmer in my eyes;
I'm growing fainter in my laugh;
I'm growing deeper in my sighs;
I'm growing careless of my dress;
I'm growing frugal of my gold;
I'm growing wise; I'm growing
yes,
I'm growing old. ~ John Godfrey Saxe

Suddenly, he wanted some credit for it. He wanted someone to thank him for not crapping on the institution of love. He wanted someone to thank him for not being yet another dilettante. He wanted someone to thank him for quitting poetry. He wanted some great poet to thank him for quitting poetry instead of desecrating it with his amateurishness. He wanted some unborn child to thank him for not conceiving her and not leaving her a hope chest full of mawkish villanelles. He wanted some sort of organization of martyrs to give him an award. He wanted to be decorated for not putting up a fuss. He wanted to be the president of forgettable people. He wanted there to be a competition for the least competitive person, and he wanted to win that competition. He wanted some sort of badge or outfit or medal or key or hat. He wanted to be asked to stand. He wanted to be considered. He wanted to be considered in earnest before being ignored. He wanted all the insane and beautiful and passionate people in the world to take one moment of silence in gratitude for the ones who had ceded them the stage-- he, the unread poet, the sacrifice, the schoolteacher-- he wanted one goddamned moment of appreciation. ~ Amity Gaige

Well, the first reaction was, What smoke? When I looked and saw it, and we all ran to the back where we were far away from the flames-cowards as we are, you know-all sat around the emergency door and even tested the emergency door, ready to jump out. Of course, I said, Beatles and children first. ~ Larry Kane

I think life should be more like TV. I think all of life's problems ought to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothing, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don't you think? ... Then again, if real life was like that, what would we watch on television? ~ Bill Watterson