Satirist Bierce Quotes

PIG, n. An animal ("Porcus omnivorus") closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig. ~ Ambrose Bierce

A rabbit's foot may bring good luck to you, but it brought none to the rabbit. ~ Ambrose Bierce

What a woman most admires in a man is distinction among men. What a man most admires in a woman is devotion to himself. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers. ~ Ambrose Bierce

PRISON, n. A place of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us that - stone walls do not a prison make. ~ Ambrose Bierce

PERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic. ~ Ambrose Bierce

I love Washington. I have an affection for the place. For a satirist, I think it's sort of Disneyland. I mean, you know, there's always some inspiration in the morning's headlines. ~ Christopher Buckley

The satirist isn't just looking at things ironically but militantly - he wants to change them, and intends to have an effect on the world. ~ Martin Amis

ADAM'S APPLE, n. A protuberance on the throat of a man, thoughtfully provided by Nature to keep the rope in place. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Grim grey-cloud morning . . . brightened up, for me at least, by the first review of my new novel, 'Billionaires' Banquet'. A tad early, but the Scottish Review of Books clearly just couldn't wait to share the glad tidings! Phew! Quote: 'Brilliant! . . . a suavely compelling, ceaselessly inventive entertainment . . . delivered with delirious aplomb . . . Butlin is both a master farceur and a merciless satirist.' Will be giving it a nervous first airing tomorrow at the Aye Write festival (treading the boards with the great Carl MacDougall). Fingers crossed, please! ~ Ron Butlin

REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it. ~ Ambrose Bierce

UNITARIAN, n. One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian. ~ Ambrose Bierce

RIMER, n. A poet regarded with indifference or disesteem. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Aim, n. The task we set our wishes to. ~ Ambrose Bierce

PLATONIC, adj. Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a frost. ~ Ambrose Bierce

The slightest acquaintance with history shows that powerful republics are the most warlike and unscrupulous of nations. ~ Ambrose Bierce

ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of death by injection. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Incompatibility. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. ~ Ambrose Bierce

LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with. The liver is heaven's best gift to the goose; without it that bird would be unable to supply us with the Strasbourg "pate". ~ Ambrose Bierce

Democracy is defended in 3 stages. Ballot Box, Jury Box, Cartridge Box. ~ Ambrose Bierce

PIGMY, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians - who are Hogmies. ~ Ambrose Bierce

ORTHODOX, n. An ox wearing the popular religious joke. ~ Ambrose Bierce

PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another. ~ Ambrose Bierce

PLAGIARIZE, v. To take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never, never read. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Mammon, n. The god of the world's leading religion. His chief temple is in the city of New York ~ Ambrose Bierce

OBLIVION, n. Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet their works without pride and their betters without envy. A dormitory without an alarm clock. ~ Ambrose Bierce

A man is known by the company he organizes. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Immoral is the judgment of the stalled ox on the gamboling lamb. ~ Ambrose Bierce

TALK, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an impulse without purpose. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Funeral: a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Phoenix, n.
The classical prototype of the modern 'small hot bird.' ~ Ambrose Bierce

PILGRIM, n. A traveler that is taken seriously. A Pilgrim Father was one who [was] not permitted to sing psalms through his nose [in Europe], followed it to Massachusetts, where he could personate God according to the dictates of his conscience. ~ Ambrose Bierce