Religous Humor Quotes

Live your life true.,
That way the preacher won't have to lie at your funneral. ~ Unknown - Saw On A Bumper Sticker

We heard the army before we saw it.
The noise was like a cannon barrage combined with a football stadium crowd- like every Patriots fan in New England was charging us with bazookas. ~ Rick Riordan

And it really pisses Peter and Micky off when I get onto one of those tangents where I start to do humor. ~ Davy Jones

I shall not attempt here to describe my marriage. Some impression of it will doubtless emerge. For the present story, its general nature rather than its detail is important. It was not a success. At first I saw her as a life-bringer. Then I saw her as a death-bringer. Some women are like that. There is a sort of energy which seems to reveal the world: then one day you find you are being devoured. Fellow victims will know what I mean. Possibly I am a natural bachelor. ~ Iris Murdoch

Do you smoke, Herr Cabal?"
"Only to be antisocial," replied Cabal, making no move. ~ Jonathan L. Howard

Can't say what impresses me most about my followers – their good looks, their incredible intellects, or their immunity to cheap flattery. ~ David Burge

There is a species of primate in South America more gregarious than most other mammals, with a curious behavior.The members of this species often gather in groups, large and small, and in the course of their mutual chattering , under a wide variety of circumstances, they are induced to engage in bouts of involuntary, convulsive respiration, a sort of loud, helpless, mutually reinforcing group panting that sometimes is so severe as to incapacitate them. Far from being aversive,however, these attacks seem to be sought out by most members of the species, some of whom even appear to be addicted to them.

...the species in Homo sapiens (which does indeed inhabit South America, among other places), and the behavior is laughter. ~ Daniel C. Dennett

It's Professor Emerson, and I went to Harvard. Where did you go, an anti–oral sex college?"
"Darling." Julia placed a restraining hand on his arm. "Dr. Rubio is trying to help us and the baby. We want to be healthy."
"Cunnilingus is healthy," he huffed. "I can prove it. ~ Sylvain Reynard

Pushed times make a monkey chew pepper.~ Creole proverb. (challenging times inspire unique actions) ~ Myra Jolivet

Yet curiosity grabbed stubbornness by the throat and pimp-slapped it a few times. ~ Cecy Robson

People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They're pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn't it? ~ Jim Gaffigan

And yet still she watched him ... he wondered why. One possibility, and by far his favorite, was that she was planning his murder. ~ Anne Stuart

Faced with an exciting question, science tended to provide the dullest possible answer. ~ David Sedaris

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, Got any shoes you're not using? ~ Steven Wright

I'm going to speak to professor Madoc about this."
"OK," said Patrick. Mick seemed disappointed that he wasn't more worried by the prospect.
"All right, you can get out now."
"OK," said Patrick and didn't go. ~ Belinda Bauer

No one can be right all the time, but it helps to be right most of the time. ~ Robert Half

Which is like saying the sun can get hotter, or the ocean deeper, or reality shows more annoying. ~ Wendy Mills

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.. ~ Steven Wright

This advice from a college freshman carrying a cane?"

"It's a walking stick, I'll have you know."

"Same difference."

"Hardly. It's fashion. ~ Danika Stone

I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak. ~ Chelsea Handler

You're being reasonable again!" snapped Angua. "You're deliberately seeing everyone's point of view! Can't you try to be unfair even once? ~ Terry Pratchett

I relaxed back into the mattress as other elements in the room began to filter though my senses, namely the extraordinary warmth at my back. The air was filled with the smell of masculine skin and hints of cologne, soap, and dryer sheets.

Hank was back. And his scent wasn't the only thing surrounding me; his arm was thrown over my hip and my back was tucked nicely against his front. ...

It was nice. Good. Right, even. And then another feeling struck me in a novel way. Protected. I felt protected. A disbelieving laugh bubbled in my throat as I lay there, a small smile parked on my face.

I was always the one out there protecting people. And after Will and I had split, I'd had no one to go to for comfort, to let all my guards down, to take a rest from being the caregiver, provider, guard, and detective. To let someone else be tough for a while.

Had to admit, I liked it. And I never thought in a gazillion years I'd find this feeling with an off-worlder. I liked Hank's strength, his power, his quirky humor, even the badass attitude he caught sometimes.

I was in so much trouble. ~ Kelly Gay

...I love to drive fast. It's a rush. ~ Stephen Few

Logan leaned over and whispered, Or as I like to call it, the tutorial guide on how to mindfuck entire groups. ~ Tijan

Been a pleasure, Don Gato. Have a sexy evening."
The cat looked dryly at him before hopping down to the floor and sauntering out of the house.
Ken's face showed genuine surprise as the cat left. He looked curiously at Jin.
Guessing that Ken was wondering if he'd just used his telepathy on the cat, Jin beamed. "Oh, yeah," he lied. "Not just human minds I'm the master of. I get cows to dance in musicals. ~ Claire Cray

... Dexter the sofa spud ... ~ Jeff Lindsay

There are two kinds of people in life: those who like crude dualities and those who do not. ~ Ben Orlin

In fact, you couldn't even be sure that everything you had assumed to be an expression of your black, unfettered self
the humor, the song, the behind-the-back pass
had been freely chosen by you. At best, these things were a refuge; at worst, a trap. Following this maddening logic, the only thing you could choose as your own was withdrawal into a smaller and smaller coil of rage, until being black meant only the knowledge of your own powerlessness, of your own defeat. And the final irony: Should you refuse this defeat and lash out at your captors, they would have a name for that, too, a name that could cage you just as good. Paranoid. Militant. Violent. Nigger. ~ Barack Obama

It is my joy to share with present and future generations these stories so full of humor, warmth, and adventure – and so rich in the rural culture of the early 1900's. ~ Linda Boynton Pedersen

I knew you'd be late," Zane commented as Ty walked past him.
"And I knew you'd still have that stick up your ass," Ty responded
with a shake of his head, not slowing as Zane spoke to him. ~ Abigail Roux

I don't know what a carbuncle is, but it doesn't sound pleasant. I wish one upon Rachel's nose. ~ Emily Giffin

Not long ago Congress voted, with much patriotic rhetoric, for the imposition of severe penalties upon anyone presuming to burn the flag of the United States. Yet the very Congressmen who passed this law are responsible, by acts of commission or omission, for burning, polluting, and plundering the territory that the flag is supposed to represent. Therein, they exemplified the peculiar and
perhaps fatal fallacy of civilization: the confusion of symbol with reality. ~ Alan W. Watts

During World War II, when combat rations were tinned, meat hashes were a common entrée because they worked well with the filling machines. "But the men wanted something they could chew, something into which they could 'sink their teeth,'" wrote food scientist Samuel Lepkovsky in a 1964 paper making the case against a liquid diet for the Gemini astronauts. He summed up the soldiers' take on potted meat: "We could undoubtedly survive on these rations a lot longer than we'd care to live." (NASA went ahead and tested an all-milkshake meal plan on groups of college students living in a simulated space capsule at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in 1964. A significant portion of it ended up beneath the floorboards.) ~ Mary Roach

Nevertheless, he had, on a certain star-lit evening, said wonderingly and quite reverently: Deh moon looks like hell, don't it? ~ Stephen Crane

He sent Eliza a small smile before turning to Lawrence. "What say you and I return to the hotel for a bit? I need to check on my daughter, and you need some time away from my sister." Not giving Lawrence an opportunity to reply, Grayson took him by the arm and hurried him out of the room.
It was lovely to have a big brother again. ~ Jen Turano

I may be no idiot, but I do know stupidity when I see it. ~ Matthew Keefer