Divorce Humour Quotes

Divorce is not always a doorway to happiness. The same can be said about marriage. ~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Contrary to popular belief, people always say "It was a pleasure doing business with you". It is the only thing that has stayed with me after an assignment. Always mix business with pleasure. That is a secret they don't want you to know. BUT never mix pleasure with business. Then you might just end up in a divorce. ~ Nikhil Sharda

Fozzy was slowly realising his mistake of not having taken his friends words of warning more serious all those years ago. 'She's an expensive filly, with double standards,' he had said. Fozzy had not listened. ~ Tanya Thistleton

It won't be whiskey, won't be meth
It'll be your name on my last breath
If divorce or death ever do us part
The coroner will call it a broken heart ~ The Band Perry

You are old and grey," she teased.
"And you're never too immortal for a spanking," he shot back ... ~ Dianna Hardy

Unlike a disappointing marriage, disappointing motherhood cannot be terminated by divorce. ~ Betty Rollin

HIBERNATE, v. i. To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of various animals. Many believe that the bear hibernates during the whole winter and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws. It is admitted that it comes out of its retirement in the spring so lean that it has to try twice before it can cast a shadow. ~ Ambrose Bierce

Most women outlive their spouses. Divorce remains at record rates. It's important for a woman to be able to control her finances. ~ Maria Bartiromo

I fell in love with her for her sense of humour. If she ever lost her sense of humour, I would have to dump her. Then I'd kill myself because I couldn't live without her. ~ Dean Koontz

Our friend Chewy doesn't speak much, but he chews a lot of tobacco so we call him Chewbacco. ~ Michael Diack

The gods damn you, look what you've done! If I want to grow this back, I'll have to endure the most terrifying sex imaginable! Gaahhhhhhh! ~ Kevin Hearne

Edward lives as if there is no tomorrow, Richard as if he wants no tomorrow, and George as though someone should give it to him for free. ~ Philippa Gregory

Humour in its highest reach mingles with pathos: it voices sorrow for our human lot and reconciliation with it. ~ Stephen Leacock

Yefgenii said, "The Americans spent millions of dollars designing a pen that would work in space. What did we do?" Gevorkian's head was down, his eyes were down. "What did we do?"
Gevorkian lifted his head "We used pencils."
"We used pencils. ~ Jed Mercurio

A homemade cupcake deserves a homemade icing. ~ Kim Knott

I am a step mother, so how children deal with divorce is something I've witnessed first hand and thought about a lot. ~ Ann Hood

Love, laugh, live. ~ Natalia Zurawska

At first I assumed he was a Mexican, but slowly began to realise that a real Mexican probably wouldn't be wearing a sombrero in a London nightclub. And he'd probably have a real moustache, not a stick-on one. A Mexican with a stick-on moustache would be like a Super-Mexican, because he'd have two moustaches, and that'd be cool, because a Super-Mexican could probably use his poncho as a cape, and then I realised I was saying all this to the man's face. ~ Danny Wallace

Yes. THANK YOU. And say hello to Judas Iscariot. ~ Suzanne Finnamore

Difficulty relaxing Insomnia Impatience Taking on too much responsibility Recent major life change (marriage, divorce, birth of child, death of close relative, purchase of home, new job, loss of job, etc.) Irritability Tension headaches Sense of isolation from others Difficulty delegating ~ Hyla Cass

What I say is, if a witch can't look after herself, she's got no business calling herself a witch. ~ Terry Pratchett

At the zoo, I stood in front of the primate cage listening to a woman marvel at how "presidential" the four-hundred-pound gorilla looked sitting astride a shorn oaken limb, keeping a watchful eye over his caged brood. When her boyfriend, his finger tapping the informational placard, pointed out the "presidential" silverback's name coincidentally was Baraka, the woman laughed aloud, until she saw me, the other four-hundred-pound gorilla in the room, stuffing something that might have been the last of a Big Stick Popsicle or a Chiquita banana in my mouth. ~ Paul Beatty

Like water leaking through a dam," said Piper.
"Yeah," smiled Percy. "We've got a dam hole."
"What?" Piper asked.
"Nothing," he said. "Inside joke. ~ Rick Riordan

Where death gives you a sense of humour, life gives you a sense of love. ~ Athan Fletcher

Christ and The Church: If he were to apply for a divorce on the grounds of cruelty, adultery and desertion, he would probably get one. ~ Samuel Butler

- Where is Polonius?
- In heaven; send hither to see: if your messenger find him not there, seek him i' the other place yourself. ~ William Shakespeare

But I still read Shaw on a regular basis. What I love is the nakedness of the polemic and the irresistible good humour. For me, 'Major Barbara' is the greatest of all the plays in that it starts from the rational and proceeds to the ecstatic in a spectacular way, and leaves you very confused if you cling to Euclidean logic. ~ Tony Kushner

I am not ready to think of him as either insane or evil, to consider in full how I could love and have a child with such a person. I am not ready to think about anything, except ways in which this may still be averted. ~ Suzanne Finnamore

At some point I was a Happy African Feminist Who Does Not Hate Men and Who Likes to Wear Lip Gloss and High Heels for Herself and Not For Men. ~ Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Years ago I wanted to buy an apartment in New York City. I was a single female - I had gone through my divorce - I had three children, I was in show business and black. It was, like, impossible. ~ Diana Ross

In some cases, we first need to disappoint or enrage someone, or to break their heart, for them to finally show us their true colours. ~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Either spit it out or swallow it don't chew on it all night ~ Karen Rose

Oh! And they read English novels! David! Did you ever look into an English novel? Well, do not trouble yourself. It is nothing but a lot of nonsense about girls with fanciful names getting married. ~ Susanna Clarke

Life is like playing the violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on. ~ Samuel Butler

The night before, a whole day could have shape and design. But when it was upon you, it could vanish tragically to air. ~ Lorrie Moore

I have worked and earned all my life and have found that divorce is an expensive process. Whichever way you look at it, you are going to halve your wealth. If you can avoid it, do. It is an awful process. ~ Anthea Turner

Humour is our 'default mode', if you like: we do not have to switch it on deliberately, and we cannot switch it off. ~ Kate Fox

You promised me you would never cheat on me, that you'd love me forever and we would never get a divorce." "I still love you, and I hate that I cheated on you, and I wish we'd never gotten divorced. ~ Terry McMillan

Cling tight to your sense of humour. You will need it every day. ~ T.E. Lawrence

I'm tired of the anonymity of being an unpublished author. I crave the anonymity of being self-published. ~ Tristan Durie

They were small, brightly coloured, happy little creatures who secreted some of the nastiest toxins in the world, which is why the job of looking after the large vivarium where they happily passed their days was given to first-year students, on the basis that if they got things wrong there wouldn't be too much education wasted. ~ Terry Pratchett

Some glory in their birth, some in their skill,
Some in their wealth, some in their bodies' force,
Some in their garments though new-fangled ill;
Some in their hawks and hounds, some in their horse;
And every humour hath his adjunct pleasure,
Wherein it finds a joy above the rest:
But these particulars are not my measure,
All these I better in one general best.
Thy love is better than high birth to me,
Richer than wealth, prouder than garments' cost,
Of more delight than hawks and horses be;
And having thee, of all men's pride I boast:
Wretched in this alone, that thou mayst take
All this away, and me most wretched make. ~ William Shakespeare

Michael: "Thing is, I'd like to go out with you. What are you doing on Saturday?"
Siobhan: "Committing suicide."
Michael: "Alright then, what are you doing on Friday?"
(from Stormling, 2014) ~ John Hennessy

Would you really have ... ?" said Julien.
"Almost certainly," I said. "I have deep-seated problems with authority figures."
"But you are one!"
"I know! I can only assume the universe has a really mean sense of humour. ~ Simon R. Green

Hey, the ubiquitous Leak-Cam is to 2010 as the bottom-of-the-screen news ticker was to late 2001: What you're seeing beneath the news anchor or talking head may not actually include any new information, but you feel like you're watching something dramatic. ~ Jim Geraghty

Get back in my cot, girl," said Gilsa. "You're sickly."
No, I'm not," said Ani.
Oh, no? Well, maybe stubbornness is a sickness, did you ever think of that? ~ Shannon Hale

Get away from me," she cried. "What are you?"

"Death," Lok answered menacingly.

Brooke looked at him in horror.

"Haha, just kidding. ~ Will Collins

The Chocolate Chip Cookie makes it healthy. Obviously. ~ Anonymous Rachel

(But he could not bring himself to say he loved her; not in so many words.) ~ Virginia Woolf

There are two kinds of books in the world
the boring kind they make you read in school and the interesting kind that they won't let you read in school because then they would have to talk about real stuff like sex and divorce and is there a God and if there isn't then what happens when you die, and how come the history books have so many lies in them. ~ LouAnne Johnson