Bom Humor Quotes

Eu só sonho horrores hilários. ~ Filipe Russo

Just remember, when you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed. ~ Charles M. Schulz

In South Africa today, black is the new black, bra. ~ Zukiswa Wanner

Oh, darlin', it has nothing to do with how often you mention him. It's the moony way you do it. ~ Erik Bundy

Norway ... looked to Roosevelt as funny a kingdom as was ever imagined outside of opera bouffe ... It is much as if Vermont should offhand try the experiment of having a king. ~ Edmund Morris

Each party has a platform
a pre-fixed menu of beliefs making up its worldview. The candidate can choose one of the two platforms, but remember: no substitutions.
For example, do you support healthcare? Then you must also want a ban on assault weapons. Pro limited government? Congratulations, you are also anti-abortion.
Luckily, all human opinion falls neatly into one of the two clearly defined camps. Thus, the two-party system elegantly represents the bi-chromatic rainbow that is American political thought. ~ Jon Stewart

Never run after a man or a bus, there's always another one in five minutes. ~ Cherry Adair

When one thing takes another away, what do we call that?" she asked my class. "Homicide!" I called out ~ Chris Colfer

Do you know, sire, I think that if we live to tell our grandchildren about this war, they will accuse us of making it up.'
-Marielle ~ Tamora Pierce

Echo lived her life according to two rules, the first of which was simple: don't get caught.
........ Some rules it would seam were meant to be broken..........
Rule number two, Echo thought snagging a pork bun from a food stall as she sailed past it. If you do get caught, run. ~ Melissa Grey

Zane Smith is a guy who can shut you out as well as look at you. ~ Jerry Coleman

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up. ~ George Carlin

I'm your worst nightmare!' said Teatime cheerfully.
The man shuddered.
'You mean ... the one with the giant cabbage and the sort of whirring knife thing?'
'Sorry?' Teatime looked momentarily nonplussed.
'Then you're the one where I'm falling, only instead of the ground underneath it's all --'
'No. In fact I'm --'
The guard sagged. 'Awww, not the one where there's all this kind of, you know, mud and then everything goes blue --'
'No, I'm --'
'Oh, shit, then you're the one where there's this door only there's no floor beyond it and then there's these claws --'
'No,' said Teatime. 'Not that one.' He withdrew a dagger from his sleeve. 'I'm the one where this man comes out of nowhere and kills you, stone dead. ~ Terry Pratchett

Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car. ~ George Carlin

You'll fail, but try anyways, that's how everything began. ~ Saroj Aryal

If the world is dead, at least it took Applebee's with it. ~ Sean Platt

Stand right there. If your ass loses contact with that wall, you are going to lose contact with life as you have always known it. You understand?
Roland ~ Stephen King

Even those who die in terrorist attacks, and have thus had the bad luck to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, are described as "heroes", though given a choice most of them would no doubt have preferred to be somewhere else when the blow was struck. ~ Michael Korda

Stupid English."
"English isn't stupid," I say.
"Well, my English teacher is." He makes a face. "Mr. Franklin assigned an essay about our favorite subject, and I wanted to write about lunch, but he won't let me."
"Why not?"
"He says lunch isn't a subject."
I glance at him. "It isn't."
"Well," Jacob says, "it's not a predicate, either. Shouldn't he know that? ~ Jodi Picoult

In Ruth's view, they looked 'like a couple' because they seemed to possess some terrible secret between them - they appeared stricken with remorse when they saw her. Only a novelist could ever imagine such nonsense. (In part, it was because of her perverse ability to imagine anything that in this instance Ruth failed to imagine the obvious) ~ John Irving

So, what do you go for in a girl?"
He crows, lifting a lager to his lips
Gestures where his mate sits
Downs his glass
"He prefers tits I prefer ass. What do you go for in a girl?"
I don't feel comfortable
The air left the room a long time ago
All eyes are on me
Well, if you must know I want a girl who reads
Yeah. Reads.
I'm not trying to call you a chauvinist
Cos I know you're not alone in this but…
I want a girl who reads
Who needs the written word & uses the added vocabulary
She gleans from novels and poetry
To hold lively conversation In a range of social situations
I want a girl who reads
Who's heart bleeds at the words of Graham Greene Or even Heat magazine
Who'll tie back her hair while reading Jane Eyre
And goes cover to cover with each water stones three for two offer but
I want a girl who doesn't stop there
I want a girl who reads
Who feeds her addiction for fiction
With unusual poems and plays
That she hunts out in crooked bookshops for days and days and days
She'll sit addicted at breakfast, soaking up the back of the cornflakes box
And the information she gets from what she reads makes her a total fox
Cos she's interesting & unique & her theories make me go weak at the knees
I want a girl who reads
A girl who's eyes will analyze
The menu over dinner
Who'll use what she learn ~ Mark Grist

He had kissed me. Put his demon tongue in my mouth. I had kissed him back. Yet I had a boyfriend. Adam. Who I believe I've mentioned. More than once.
Boyfriend named Adam, demon named Levi kissing me - that pretty much meant I had cheated on my boyfriend, didn't it?
Didn't mean to do that. Yikes.
I bit my fingernails and knocked on Brandon's door and tried to rationalize my way around it. It hadn't been a premeditated kiss. It hadn't been initiated by me. Did that really make it cheating? Or just a sort of accidental meeting of the mouths?
Shouldn't there be like a five-second rule, anyway? Like dropping food on the floor.
If you retrieve it immediately, you can still eat it. If the kiss lasted less than say, a minute, it didn't count. Right? ~ Erin Lynn

I'd be very happy if someone remembered that there are no capitals in my name. (Sigh)
cj petterson ~ C.J. Petterson

Of what benefit is size to the elephant when though, being the largest jungle animal is not king of the jungle; not even uncle of the jungle? ~ Vincent Okay Nwachukwu

When your're both finished trying to frighten each other away with the sordidness of your pasts, can you help me, please? ~ Melina Marchetta

THE MOCKINGBIRD All summer the mockingbird in his pearl-gray coat and his white-windowed wings flies from the hedge to the top of the pine and begins to sing, but it's neither lilting nor lovely, for he is the thief of other sounds - whistles and truck brakes and dry hinges plus all the songs of other birds in his neighborhood; mimicking and elaborating, he sings with humor and bravado, so I have to wait a long time for the softer voice of his own life to come through. He begins by giving up all his usual flutter and settling down on the pine's forelock then looking around as though to make sure he's alone; then he slaps each wing against his breast, where his heart is, and, copying nothing, begins easing into it as though it was not half so easy as rollicking, as though his subject now was his true self, which of course was as dark and secret as anyone else's, and it was too hard - perhaps you understand - to speak or to sing it to anything or anyone but the sky. ~ Mary Oliver

I do not believe in any religion, I will have nothing to do with immortality. We are miserable enough in this life without speculating upon another. ~ George Gordon Byron

It was time to leave. He was insufferable, had toilet problems, looked demented to begin with, and now he was the accomplice to a cat killer. Yet did I leave? No, I sat there. And I thought, What has happened to me? Why am I not rising up off the sofa? Why am I not leaving? ~ Augusten Burroughs

Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character. ~ David Sedaris

It is not in the power of every one to taste humor, however he may wish it; it is the gift of God! and a true feeler always brings half the entertainment along with him. ~ Laurence Sterne

Don't start doing that."

"What?"

"Agreeing with me," said Jesper. "Sure path to destruction. ~ Leigh Bardugo

Cassius couldn't take any more. "Okay, that's enough. We're done here." His heart hammered, his palms were sweating, and his knees felt wobbly. "We've changed our minds. Just put it back. ~ Gabrielle Evans

Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast. ~ Mitch Hedberg

Are you guys busy?" Juniper asked.
"Well," I said, "we're in the middle of this game against a bunch of monsters and we're trying not to die."
"We're not busy," Annabeth said. ~ Rick Riordan

I feel like I've been ironing all day in high heels and no brassiere. ~Tizzy Donovan, Laid Out and Candle Lit ~ Ann Everett

If you lie there much longer, I'll be tempted to tie you to the table legs and try buttering your ass instead of the toast. ~ Cari Silverwood

Romance should never begin with sentiment. It should begin with science and end with a settlement. ~ Oscar Wilde

Don't panic. Are you sitting? You probably don't need to sit. Well, possibly. At least lean on something. ~ Maggie Stiefvater

I don't want to alarm anyone, but everywhere we go I see Alec Baldwin. It's like he's following us. ~ Olivia Sudjic

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar! ~ Rodney Dangerfield