Marshall B. Rosenberg Quotes

I have tried to integrate the spirituality into the training in a way that meets my need not to destroy the beauty of it through abstract philosophizing.

We know the speaker has received adequate empathy when a. we sense a release of tension, or b. the flow of words comes to a halt.

All that has been integrated into NVC has been known for centuries about consciousness, language, communication skills, and use of power that enable us to maintain a perspective of empathy for ourselves and others, even under trying conditions.

We want to take action out of the desire to contribute to life rather than out of fear, guilt, shame, or obligation.

Let's shine the light of consciousness on places where we can hope to find what we are seeking.

We can never make anyone do anything against their will without enormous consequences.

It may be most difficult to empathize with those we are closest to.

Social change involves helping people see new options for making life wonderful that are less costly to get needs met.

What all the basic religions are saying is this: Don't do anything that isn't play.

Don't hate the circumstance, you may miss the blessing

Power-Over leads to punishment and violence. Power-With leads to compassion and understanding, and to learning motivated by reverence for life rather than fear, guilt, shame, or anger.

To practice NVC, it's critical for me to be able to slow down, take my time, to come from an energy I choose, the one I believe that we were meant to come from, not the one I was programmed into.

Anger, depression, guilt, and shame are the product of the thinking that is at the base of violence on our planet.

The intention behind the protective use of force is to prevent injury, never to punish or to cause individuals to suffer, repent or change.

Always listen to what people need rather than what they are thinking about us.

In NVC, no matter what words others may use to express themselves, we simply listen for their observations, feelings, needs, and requests.

The number one rule of our training is empathy before education.

I recommend allowing others the opportunity to fully express themselves before turning our attention to solutions or requests for relief. When we proceed too quickly to what people might be requesting, we may not convey our genuine interest in their feelings and needs; instead, they may get the impression that we're in a hurry to either be free of them or to fix their problem. Furthermore, an initial message is often like the tip of an iceberg; it may be followed by yet unexpressed, but related - and often more powerful - feelings.

If the other persons behavior is not in harmony with my own needs, the more I empathize with them and their needs, the more likely I am to get me own needs met.

People do not hear our pain when they believe they are at fault.

They have most likely said it because they have an unmet need.

If you have an image of someone cutting off a relationship, it's the cutting off that will lead to your suffering. If you see the action as their need being expressed, then the message is within them, not you. Any interpretation you put onto another person's message (such as passive-aggressive, withholding, etc.), you will pay for because of how you took it.

If you are a jackal, you will try to reassure. Jackals try to fix people in pain. They can't stand pain, but make matters worse by trying to get rid of it. Put on giraffe ears. Try to hear what they are feeling and needing.

Fear of punishment diminishes self-esteem and goodwill.

What bores the listener bores the speaker too.

You're going to lose it when you follow the world "feel" with the words "because I think". Any time you are thinking, your chance of getting what you need is greatly decreased, especially when you follow the word "think" with the word "you". I predict you won't only not get heard, but I predict a defensive aggressive reaction.

We need empathy to give empathy. When we sense ourselves being defensive or unable to empathize, we need to (a) stop, breathe, give ourselves empathy, (b) scream nonviolently, or (c) take time out.

Any evaluation which implies rightness or wrongness is a tragic, suicidal expression of an unmet need. Tragic, first because it decreases our likelihood of getting our need met! Even if we think it. And secondly, because it increases the likelihood of violence. That's why I'm suggesting any evaluation which implies rightness or wrongness is a tragic, suicidal expression of an unmet need. Say the need! Learn a need-consciousness.

A respectful understanding of another's experience.

People heal from their pain when they have an authentic connection with another human being.

Anger tells us we've disconnected from life. The purpose in anger is to use it to come back to life.

If we want to make meetings productive, we need to keep track of those whose requests are on the table.

NVC can be effectively applied at all levels of communication and in diverse situations: intimate relationships, families, schools, organizations and institutions, therapy and counseling, diplomatic and business negotiations, disputes and conflicts of any nature.

A need is life seeking expression within us.

All moralistic judgments, whether positive or negative, are tragic expressions of unmet needs.

Anger can be a wonderful wake up call to help you understand what you need and what you value.

Not getting our needs fulfilled is painful - but it's a sweet pain, not suffering, which is what comes from life-alienated thinking and interpretation.

If we don't tell people about our needs, it is much less likely they will be met.

To do this, you can bring in nothing from the past. So the more psychology you've studied, the harder it will be to empathize. The more you know the person, the harder it will be to empathize. Diagnoses and past experiences can instantly knock you off the board. This doesn't mean denying the past. Past experiences can stimulate what's alive in this moment. But are you present to what was alive then or what the person is feeling and needing in this moment?

Imagine connecting with the human spirit in each person in any situation at any time. Imagine interacting with others in a way that allows everyone's need to be equally valued. Imagine creating organizations and life-serving systems responsive to our needs and the needs of our environment.

Unless we as social change agents come from a certain kind of spirituality, we're likely to create more harm than good.

When you need empathy, you cannot give empathy.

Fix-it jackals can't wait to fix it, because they don't know how to enjoy pain. And until you learn how to enjoy pain, you can't enjoy intimacy.

The more we talk about the past, the less we heal from it.

Never question the beauty of what you are saying because someone reacts with pain, judgment, criticism. It just means they have not heard you.

With every choice you make, be conscious of what need it serves.

We want people to change because they see better ways of meeting their needs at less cost, not because of fear that we're going to punish them, or 'guilt' them if they don't. This applies to ourselves as well.

Expressing our vulnerability can help resolve conflicts.

This language is from the head. It is a way of mentally classifying people into varying shades of good and bad, right and wrong. Ultimately, it provokes defensiveness, resistance, and counterattack. It is a language of demands.

Judgments of others contribute to self-fulfilling prophecies.

Always hear the 'Yes' in the 'No'.

Punishment is the root of violence on our planet.

Conventional compliments often take the form of judgments however positive, and are sometimes offered to manipulate the behavior of others. NVC encourages the expression of appreciation solely for celebration.

When we express our needs indirectly through the use of evaluations, interpretations, and images, others are likely to hear criticism. When people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack. It's important that when we address somebody that we're clear what we want back.

Public education for some time has been heavily focused on what curricula we believe will be helpful to students. Life-Enriching Education is based on the premise that the relationship between teachers and students, the relationships of students with one another, and the relationships of students to what they are learning are equally important in preparing students for the future.

Miracles can happen when we can keep our consciousness away from analyzing and classifying one another.

To practice the process of conflict resolution, we must completely abandon the goal of getting people to do what we want.

Anger is a signal that you're distracted by judgmental or punitive thinking, and that some precious need of yours is being ignored.

Empathize with silence by listening for the feelings and needs behind it.

Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need.

Children need far more than basic skills in reading, writing, and math, as important as those might be. Children also need to learn how to think for themselves, how to find meaning in what they learn, and how to work and live together.

As we learn to speak from the heart we are changing the habits of a lifetime.

Punishment also includes judgmental labeling and the withholding of privileges.

We give empathy to others for our own benefit.

Keep in mind that other people's actions can never 'make' you feel any certain way. Feelings are your warning indicators.

Please do as I requested, only if you can do so with the joy of a little child feeding a hungry duck. Please do not do as I request if there is any taint of fear of punishment if you don't. Please do not do as I request to buy my love, that, is hoping that I will love you more if you do. Please do not do as I request if you will feel guilty if you don't. Please do not do as I request if you will feel shameful. And certainly do not do as I request out of any sense of duty or obligation.

in a more loving manner, and those two things you said provide the direction I was looking for.

I think that there is a problem with rewards and consequences because in the long run, they rarely work in the ways we hope. In fact, they are likely to backfire.

When we have our consciousness on needs, images come to us, naturally, of how to meet those needs.

Tragically, one of the rarest commodities in our culture is empathy. People are hungry for empathy, They don't know how to ask for it.

Get very clear about the kind of world we would like and then start living that way.

I wouldn't expect someone who's been injured to hear my side until they felt that I had fully understood the depth of their pain.

When we judge others we contribute to violence.

We're not taught to think in terms of needs. We don't make nice dead people when we're in touch with needs. Domination structures cannot maintain themselves when citizens are educated to be alive.

People don't make us angry, how we think makes us angry.

With empathy, I'm fully with them, and not full of them - that's sympathy.

When you are in a jackal environment, never give them the power to submit or rebel. We want to teach this to children very early: Never lose track that you are always free to choose. Don't allow institutions to determine what you do.

When we listen for their feelings and needs, we no longer see people as monsters.

In a Giraffe institution, the head nurse job would be to serve the nurses, not to control them. Teachers are there to serve the students, not control them.

Two questions help us see why we are unlikely to get what we want by using punishment ... The first question is: What do I want this person to do that's different from what he or she is currently doing? If we ask only this first question, punishment may seem effective because the threat or exercise of punitive force may well influence the person's behavior. However, with the second question, it becomes evident that punishment isn't likely to work: What do I want this person's reasons to be for doing what I'm asking?

Classifying and judging people promotes violence.

Self-empathy in NVC means checking in with your own feelings and needs.

When you ride the wave, the thrill is so exhilarating that you forget everything else. You live in the moment where nothing else matters, so intent on riding the wave perfectly that you and the wave become one. Pain and worry disappear, replaced by euphoria, akin to flow. Similarly, when giving empathy, you want to strive for this kind of total presence for the person you are listening to.

This objective of getting what we want from other people-or getting them to do what we want them to do-threatens the autonomy of people, their right to choose what they want to do. And whenever people feel that they're not free to choose what they want to do, they are likely to resist, even if they see the purpose in what we are asking and would ordinarily want to do it.

Four D's of Disconnection: 1. Diagnosis (judgment, analysis, criticism, comparison); 2. Denial of Responsibility; 3. Demand; 4. 'Deserve' oriented language.

Empathy allows us to re-perceive our world in a new way and move forward.

NVC is interested in learning that is motivated by reverence for life, by a desire to learn skills, to contribute better to our own well-being and the well-being of others.

I try never to hear what another person thinks of me. I enjoy life a lot more when I spend as little time as possible hearing or thinking about what other people think about me. I go to the needs behind the thoughts. Then I'm in a different world.

The only time a message (label) can scare us is if we think there is such a thing, and that such a thing is a disgrace.

If you are a czar or a king or a president or someone that wants to control those below them you do not want people to have a consciousness of life, of their needs. Because people do not make good slaves when they're connected to life ... That's why in the public schools the primary objective is obedience to authority.

In nonviolent communication, no matter what words others may use to express themselves, we simply listen for their observations, feelings, needs, and requests. Then we may wish to reflect back, paraphrasing what we have understood. We stay with empathy, allowing others the opportunity to fully express themselves before we turn our attention to solutions or requests for relief.

People have been trained to criticize, insult, and otherwise communicate in ways that create distance among people.

Understanding the other persons' needs does not mean you have to give up on your own needs.

Anger is a result of life-alienating thinking that is disconnected from needs. It indicates that we have moved up to our head to analyze and judge somebody rather than focus on what we are needing and not getting.

NVC enhances inner communication by helping us translate negative internal messages into feelings and needs. Our ability to distinguish our own feelings and needs and to empathize with them can free us from depression.

We do not look for compromise; rather, we seek to resolve the conflict to everyone's complete satisfaction.

Interpretations, criticisms, diagnoses, and judgments of others are actually alienated expressions of our unmet needs.

NVC requires us to be continually conscious of the beauty within ourselves and other people.

Clinical training in psychoanalysis has a deficit. It teaches how to sit and think about what a person is saying and how to interpret it intellectually, but not how to be fully present to this person.

Instead of playing the game "Making Life Wonderful", we often play the game called "Who's Right". Do you know that game? It's a game where everybody loses.