Jackie Mason Quotes

Anybody who's in favor of gun control is a fucking moron.

My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.

They call it football, but the object of the game is to bash the other guy so hard that he's eventually carried off the field on a stretcher. I can't watch football anymore. My psychiatrist said it's better that way. I used to watch a game, see the players in a huddle - and think they were talking about me.

I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

Would you put a pastrami in your mouth if you didn't want to eat it?

By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting; in whose name; in whose strength; in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions?

I've got another friend who is half-German and half-Polish. He hates Jews but can't remember why!

Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible.

Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.

While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami.

I always thought music was more important than sex - then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.

Prostitutes go to jail. Their customers go home and read the New York Times. In this country you're allowed to buy anything. If you need a shirt, you have a right to buy it. If you need sex, you don't. What's more important, sex or a shirt?

I didn't think it was fair to pretend to give of myself when I was so selfishly consumed with my own drives.

I am excited about getting back to what I do best and what my audience likes best, I am writing new jokes every day and soon Ill be telling them every night. Just me, one Jew talking and that's it.

If an Englishman gets run down by a truck he apologizes to the truck.

I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

Predictions are preposterous.

Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one?

I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, Give me a gun, I'll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes. He said, You're crazy! I said, Write it down!

I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world. It would be a much better world, a much more peaceful and non-violent world if we lived by Jewish values.

Jews are the best dressers in the world. They buy the best clothes, the best homes, the best cars. The best of everything. The only thing is, they get it for less.