Moe The Bartender Quotes

Here's the weird part: even when I was in the darkest and most despairing times of my depression, I still found depression funny. It was funny to me that the illness distorted my view of the real world like a funhouse mirror. It was funny that I could be immobilized by something that had no basis in a broken bone or bacteria or any tangible factor. And when other people, especially comedians and writers, shared their experiences with depression and those experiences were resonant with my own, I could laugh because we were all getting fooled together. I laughed in the same way an audience laughs at a particularly good trick pulled off by a magician. "We've all been deceived, but we don't know how! ~ John Moe

I gave examples from my clinical practice of how love was not wholly a thought or feeling. I told of how that very evening there would be some man sitting at a bar in the local village, crying into his beer and sputtering to the bartender how much he loved his wife and children while at the same time he was wasting his family's money and depriving them of his attention. We recounted how this man was thinking love and feeling love
were they not real tears in his eyes?
but he was not in truth behaving with love. ~ M. Scott Peck

His body was tubby but his arms apparently couldn't understand that, for they were long and scrawny. From his brow to an inch below his eyes, his nose turned up; from there on, down. His short upper lip slanted sharply toward his tonsils, which had the effect of making his chinlessness positively jut.
( ... )
The bartender was fascinated by the way the teardrops proceeded down Biddiver's amazing nose. One drop would dash almost halfway, and then hesitate, daunted by the hump. Then it would be joined by another teardrop, and the two, merging, would surmount the obstacle and slip down to hang glittering over the disappearing lip until a sob came along to shake them off. ~ Theodore Sturgeon

And finally
the glass that contains and spills this stuff continually
while the drinker hunches before it, while the bartender gathers
up empties, gives back the drinker's own face. Who knows what it looks like;
who cares whether or not it was young once, or ever lovely,
who gives a shit about some drunk rising to stagger toward
the bathroom, some man or woman or even lost
angel who recklessly threw it all over - heaven, the ether,
the celestial works - and said, Fuck it, I want to be human? ~ Kim Addonizio

The guitar is just a wonderful instrument. It's everything: a bartender, a psychiatrist, a housewife. It's everything, but it's elusive ~ Les Paul

You speak French and Italian?" Moe lounged back, crossing long legs. "Having been acquainted for years with that beautiful creature known as Latin, I try to savor its ornate, loquacious offspring. Yet the French accent eludes me." Karl smiled. Somehow this big guy with an easy, sliding smile and precise diction made you like him. Presence, that's it. "My wife can help you with that. Have dinner with us." Moe Berg ~ Gregory Benford

Americanomics works, and I won't argue that is true.
But if the economy is getting better, getting better for who?
Well, if you ask me, I'm doing much worse than before,
With the welfare cuts, I don't eat no more.
So if I did wanna go out, I couldn't go nowhere,
Cause I ate every last one of them reindeer.
Rudolph first, I went down the list,
I got so hungry, I just couldn't resist.
I ate Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Dixon,
Fried them up and then started to mix them.
And before you knew it, they were all gone,
I wonder what y'all gonna do about my reindeer song! ~ Kool Moe Dee

It's true though: time moves in its own special way in the middle of the night," the bartender says, loudly striking a book match and lighting a cigarette. "You can't fight it. ~ Haruki Murakami

I'm as bouge as the next person. My mother was a waitress and my father was a bartender. People think I went to Yale and shit, because I have a vocabulary and I wear a suit. I wear a suit because I aspire to wear a fuckin' suit. I didn't work my whole fuckin' life to wear a Hello Kitty fuckin' wifebeater up here. ~ Greg Proops

When I reached the bar, I ordered a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster from the female Klingon bartender and downed half of it. ~ Ernest Cline

Now that I have created moe, men of the world will never know peace as they struggle with the pitfalls of 3D. ~ Satoshi Kon

He thought of the Englishman at the bar in the lobby again. That's what had brought it all back - the Englishman remarking to the bartender that he'd just come from New Orleans, and that certainly was a haunted city. ~ Anne Rice

~Posters with torn edges hanging from rotten walls~

The doctor told me something once
she said
STOP DRINKING
I slapped her across the face with this
NO
I walked right out of that office
went right down to the hole
I told the bartender
WHISKEY, MOTHERFUCKER
he poured and he poured
and I slapped my money down on that bar
the man I had been driving around with
he just sort of sat there next to this hooker
she probably had something rotten
way down there between her legs
her eyes told of no soul
I emptied the bottle down my throat
and ordered some chips
the bartender told me
THEY'RE STALE
and I give him a
I DON'T FUCKIN' CARE,
GIVE ME SOMETHIN'
He slid me a ham sandwich dripping with cheap low-fat mayo and said
ENJOY
I went back to my room
and talked all night
so much conversation
it turned the toilet bowl pale ~ Dave Matthes

It takes a lot of effort for an obsessive mind to accept the fact that everything is in order except itself. ~ Moe Cidaly

A fish walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What will it be?" The fish croaks, "Water. ~ Various

The honky-tonk bartender, who doubled as bouncer, waiter, and cashier, was in no mood to compromise. Mercy was not in him. He came out around the open end of the long counter, waddled threatening across the floor in a sullen, red-faced fury and began to shake the inanimate figure lying across the table with its head bedded on its arms. "Hey, you! Do your sleeping in the gutter!"

If you gave these bums an inch; they took a yard. And this one was a particularly glaring example of the genus bar-fly. He was in here all the time like this, inhaling smoke and then doing a sunset across the table. He'd been in here since four this afternoon. The boss and he, who were partners in the joint - the bartender called it jernt - would have been the last ones to claim they were running a Rainbow Room, but at least they were trying to give the place a little class, keep it above the level of a Bowery smoke-house; they even paid a guy to pound the piano and a canary to warble three times a week. And then bums like this had to show up and give the place a bad look!

He shook the recumbent figure again, more roughly than the first time. Shook him so violently that the whole reedy table under him rattled and threatened to collapse. "Come on, clear out, I said! Pay me for what you had and get outa here!" ("I'm Dangerous Tonight") ~ Cornell Woolrich

From 1965 to 1974, I served the best possible apprenticeship for an actor. I learned firsthand how a truck driver lives, what a bartender does, how a salesman thinks. I had to make a life inside those jobs, not just pretend. ~ Brian Dennehy

You know you're in trouble, when the bartender cries. ~ Michael Peterson

Your mother, my mother, and mother of pearl walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hello, dad, you look more like whiskey than I remember. Have you been tanning?" To which all three mothers respond, "The French Revolution was the best thing to ever happen inside a croissant the shape of the Fertile Crescent, with a flaky crust like a politician with dandruff." Of course, when Orafoura told me this joke, I didn't laugh, because I don't like jokes involving politics, religion, or mother of pearl. ~ Jarod Kintz

Standing at the bar, he watched the bartender pour another shot. He downed it in a single gulp. The alcohol scalded his oesophagus and landed like a fireball in his belly. He'd never developed a taste for even the top-shelf whiskies, but this wasn't about pleasure. It was about getting through another day without blowing his brains out....
He knew mixing prescription drugs with alcohol was stupid and pathetic and that some day Fate would make him pay. Sooner or later, she always got her due. But he didn't think that cruel bitch could do anything worse than what she'd already done. In some sick way, it was a comforting thought. ~ Linda Castillo

A cocktail can be made by the bartender. But the cocktail also can be made by the chef. ~ Jose Andres

What I told you is the truth." "Really? You want to keep heading down that path? Because I went to the pub." Pope drummed his fingers on the tabletop. "They don't even have a female bartender on staff, and nobody saw you there four nights ago." "Somebody's lying." "So what I'm wondering is ... why'd you really come to ~ Blake Crouch

Concentrated unaccountable economic power threatens the common good. ~ Cynthia Moe-Lobeda

An Irishman walks into a pub," she begins and the bar went silent. "The bartender asks him, 'What'll you have?'" Her Irish accent was spot on. "The man says, 'Give me three pints of Guinness, please.' The bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

"The bartender says, 'Sir, no need to order as many at a time. I'll keep an eye on it and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh one.' The man replies, 'You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, me brothers have three Guinness stouts too, and we're drinking together.'

"The bartender thought this a wonderful tradition and every week the man came in and ordered three beers." January's playing and voice became more solemn, dramatic. "But one week, he ordered only two." The crowd oohed and ahhed. "He slowly drank them," she continued darkly, "and then ordered two more. The bartender looked at him sadly. 'Sir, I know your tradition, and, agh, I'd just like to say that I'm sorry for your loss.'

"The man looked on him strangely before it finally dawned on him. 'Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking. ~ Fisher Amelie

Finish your beer," he says then nods to the bartender. "Jack. Neat. ~ M. Leighton

As I turned around to receive my injection,
I said, 'Next time I'll use some protection.'
If I see another girl and I get an erection ...
I'm walking in the other direction! ~ Kool Moe Dee

I'll squeeze the cider out of your adam's apple. ~ Moe Howard

What's that there Slivovitz like?" Helmholtz asked the bartender, squinting at a dusty bottle on the bottom row. He had just finished a sloe gin rickey. "I didn't even know we had it," said the bartender. He put the bottle on the bar, tilting it away from himself so he could read the label. "Prune brandy," he said. "Believe I'll try that next," said Helmholtz. ~ Kurt Vonnegut

Two applesauce shots, please."
I gaped at her. "Shots? God, what are we, in college?"
She moved her wavy brown hair out of her eyes. "No, we don't have to be in college to have what I'm sure"- she looked at the bartender- "will be a fantastically prepared, perhaps overflowing shot."
He laughed with a shake of his head. "You got it."
"It's delicious," she said to me, "Goldschlager and something else. I don't remember. But it totally tastes like applesauce."
"Why would anyone want to drink applesauce?" But I was already wondering if it could be reduced to a glaze for pork chops, and made a mental note to find out what was in it. ~ Beth Harbison

He said science was going to discover the basic secret of life some day,' the bartender put in. He scratched his head and frowned. 'Didn't I read in the paper the other day where they'd finally found out what it was?'

'I missed that,' I murmured.

' I saw that,' said Sandra. 'About two days ago.'

'That's right,' said the bartender.

'What is the secret of life?' I asked.

'I forget,' said Sandra.

'Protein,' the bartender declared. 'They found out something about protein.'

'Yeah,' said Sandra, 'that's it. ~ Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

But your old life doesn't just fall away from you like a snake shedding its skin. You carry it with you everywhere you go. Whenever I walk into a bar for a show, I still know how to talk to the bartender to get free drinks all night after only buying a couple of rounds. I know who's got coke or who knows someone who can get it and I know who would take me home. ~ Mishka Shubaly