Lit Humor Quotes

In my opinion, kissing a lady's hand is a fine tradition. After all, a man must start somewhere. ~ Lois Greiman

People who don't get excited about receiving gifts are tired of life. ~ Anna Maxted

In the movie business, the ones we call Lucky are usually those idiots who are just too damn stubborn to take no for an answer. Come to think of it, the movie business is kind of like life. ~ Lois Greiman

You know... It's been a long time since I've been that nervous."
"You were nervous?" I ask. "Why?"
"I'm making love to a romance author," he explains with a grin. "Your standards are high."
"My standards are fictional. ~ Jacqueline E. Smith

Men have two outstanding features--their brains and their genitalia. Unfortunately, both rarely function simultaneously. ~ Lois Greiman

I don't care what Cosmo says about exercise improving sex. Some things aren't worth the cost. ~ Lois Greiman

Some people say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. In actuality, you have to make an incision through his skin, both dermis and epidermis, then carefully sever and separate the sternum. Only upon viewing the exposed thoracic cavity can you reach the heart--if indeed the male of the species actually possesses such an organ. ~ Lois Greiman

In this town, a successful marriage is one that lasts longer than ice. ~ Lois Greiman

Maybe in fairytales you're only as old as you feel, but here in L. A. you're every second as old as your pores. ~ Lois Greiman

Lust and love. They both put a fire in your damn shorts. ~ Lois Greiman

I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister. ~ Lois Greiman

Today's problems are yesterday's mistakes coming back to bite you in the ass. ~ Lois Greiman

And thanks to Christina McMullen, who has taught me that common sense and intelligence need not have any correlation whatsoever. ~ Lois Greiman

Friends are nice. You can tell' 'em stuff, but you can swear like a gangster at an enemy. And that's all right, too. ~ Lois Greiman

Yeah, world peace would be all right, but what about a day off in a slab of ham the size of my head. ~ Lois Greiman

Sometimes stupid is crime enough. ~ Lois Greiman

Let us talk about oxymoron, common sense, for instance. ~ Lois Greiman

You lose a couple of pounds and get a guy good and drunk, you could have a hell of a good time even if you are not smart. ~ Lois Greiman

You don't need to be smarter; you just need dumber friends. ~ Lois Greiman

You are a perfect woman, a magical blend of beauty, intelligence, and spirit. Without you, my life is nothing. ~ Lois Greiman

Honey, that man would do anything to keep you. Lie, steal, cheat, kill, clean up after himself, and do laundry. ~ Alisa Sheckley

If they really wanted us to resist temptation, they shouldn't a made it so damn tempting. ~ Lois Greiman

The TV screen switched back to a picture of the crime scene, just in time to capture footage of my bod being police escorted out of the building, my shirt unbuttoned sufficiently for the entire State of Israel to know that I wear pick lace, push-up bras. ~ Kate McVaugh

Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation'll knock down the damn door and drag you out by the hair. ~ Lois Greiman

He's an undersized pissant with delusions of adequacy. ~ Lois Greiman

Sometimes you have to pretend to be feeling better to actually feel better. It's why new workout clothes make you feel like you want to work out. ~ Alice Clayton

Jealousy. It's a terrible thing. Unless it's someone else's. ~ Lois Greiman

It's not as if I don't like men, I just have more respect for my washing machine. ~ Lois Greiman

Fair play is all well and good. But knowing how to kick 'em in the balls can get you out of a jam 9 times out of 10. ~ Lois Greiman

I fear that someday you will abandon the joys we share and find another not worthy of your charms. ~ Lois Greiman

I ain't taking no more rides on the stupid train. ~ Lois Greiman

Norman picked up a sketch, glanced at it, then put it back down on the table. "I saw Bea Williamson this morning," he said in a low voice. "Lurking about looking for cut glass."
"Oh, of course," Mira said with a sigh. "Did she have it with her?"
Norman nodded solemnly. "Yep. I swear, I think it's almost gotten ... bigger."
Mira shook her head. "Not possible."
"I'm serious," Norman said. "It's way big."
I kept waiting for someone to expand on this, but since neither of them seemed about to, I asked, "What are you talking about?"
They looked at each other.
Then, Mira took a breath. "Bea Williamson's baby," she said quietly, as if someone could hear us, "has the biggest head you have ever seen."
Norman nodded, seconding this.
"A baby?" I said.
"A big-headed baby," Mira corrected me. "You should see the cranium on this kid. It's mind-boggling. ~ Sarah Dessen

Vibrizzio? You named it! Okay, this isn't even close to healthy. ~ Nicki Elson

There are lots of fish in the sea. Some are sharks, some are angels, and some are bottom feeders. ~ Lois Greiman

Beauty is only skin deep, but who gives a shit what's under their skin anyway? ~ Lois Greiman

If you're a disheveled, easily distracted person, it's always scary when someone asks what your plan is for the day. We don't know our plans.
Distracted people make plans in transit. ~ Lisa Smartt

Men are like beer. Some are bold and some are smooth. But every damn one of 'em has a big-ass head full of air. ~ Lois Greiman

I'm never going to believe a Poirot mystery again. Never. All those witnesses going, "Yes, I remember it was 3:06 p.m. exactly, because I glanced at the clock as I reached for the sugar tongs, and Lady Favisham was quite clearly sitting on the right-hand side of the fireplace."
Bollocks. They have no idea where Lady Favisham was, they just don't want to admit it in front of Poirot. I'm amazed he gets anywhere. ~ Sophie Kinsella

Love is like skydiving without a parachute. ~ Lois Greiman

I always wished for a life like the movies. I should have been more specific in my prayers for a romantic drama, not a slapstick comedy. ~ Jiji Tharayil

A friend is someone who will bike to the ice cream shop with you, even when you don't look so good. ~ Lois Greiman

My eyelashes tickled the peephole. from Fogged Up Fairy Tale (Summer 2014) ~ Denise Baer

All's well so long-as you don't get shot in the hind end with a twenty gauge. ~ Lois Greiman

Life has a whimsical way of kicking you in the throat. I find it to
be one huge cosmic joke at our expense, only nobody is laughing
but the forces that be - given that they are even a wee bit human. ~ Lori Goldson

The trouble with insanity is it can flare up at the most inconvenient moments. ~ Lois Greiman

A pigs and pain, until you really get to know 'em. Then he's a paid with the soul. ~ Lois Greiman

Maybe knowledge is power, but it's damned hard to think a burglar to death. ~ Lois Greiman

Tequila--a sure cure for monogamy. ~ Lois Greiman

If I want to catch the damn worm I get outta bed. ~ Lois Greiman

Expect stupid. It's everywhere. ~ Lois Greiman

(I resent people who use phrases like "my first," so the person they're speaking to is practically obliged to imagine them having sex to complete the sentence. It's not nice.) ~ Anna Maxted

I don't need no PMS. I can bitch under my own steam. ~ Lois Greiman

Matrimony and firefighting. They ain't for cowards. ~ Lois Greiman

Just remember this, Missy, escargot ain't nothin' but snails with their noses stuck in the air. ~ Lois Greiman

If you don't like your teeth; keep your mouth shut. ~ Lois Greiman

He's just a flash in the pants. ~ Lois Greiman

I was grinding away to the climactic moan backtrack when I caught my reflection in the club's mirror, hips rotating, booty shaking. Years later, Grace described my smooth moves as a sad epileptic white girl's imitation of a twerk. Harsh. Could anyone look sexy dancing to lyrics that include "Sucky, sucky. Me sucky, sucky"? I don't think so. ~ Leah Marie Brown

Solberg; nature's greatest argument against cloning. ~ Lois Greiman

There is no surer road to perdition than the ledger glands dictate your direction. ~ Lois Greiman

What I have been asking myself for years is: WHY?!
Why kill yourself in the gym? Why try to avoid a little bit of a gut? Why feel bad for eating half of a cake? This doesn't mean that I killed somebody, plus I left the other half of the cake for tomorrow, I didn't finish all of it! ~ Sara Anzellotti

It's not who you know, it's who you sleep with. ~ Lois Greiman

He fits me without a flaw. At the beginning, I was apprehensive that he might swallow me whole and I'd disappear for having him. After the time spent together, I'm certain that Colton is the day to my night. And we both have the same value, power, control, individuality and independency. No one disappears. We are like an equinox. Just like the day moves into the night and then night into day, we both complete each other and build a partnership. We are two different entities co-existing superbly, letting each other be but never leaving each other's side. ~ Kristina Steiner

Excuses are like butt holes everyone has 'em and they all stink. ~ Lois Greiman

Marriage is like a toothbrush. It starts out smooth and gets kind of prickly towards the end. ~ Lois Greiman

She nodded and smiled, but I could feel that she was slightly disappointed in me. Like Ms Parker when I answer every question in English with 'It's a metaphor for desire. ~ Chloe Seager

Life's funny. Sometimes it's your oyster, and sometimes you're it's bitch-slapped man-whore. ~ Lois Greiman

Booze and boys, ain't nothing in the universe that'll make a girl stupid faster. ~ Lois Greiman

The theory of relativity doesn't amount to a hill of beans when there's a bonfire in your shorts. ~ Lois Greiman

You really don't know a person until you spend some time in their panties. ~ Lois Greiman

Suffering is my teacher. If I pay attention to it instead of trying to numb it out, maybe it can lead me to its root. ~ Michelle Colston

The urge to change my mind and not go at all is enormous. I'm absolutely terrified to leave on that boat. But, if I don't go, there'll be one more broken person in this world who gave up a dream to sit in a chair, pick up the TV remote and shrink. ~ Lexis De Rothschild

I don't trust nobody that don't have my name tattooed on her ass, and then it's iffy. ~ Lois Greiman

False hope is better than no hope at all. ~ Lois Greiman

If you don't scare the neighbors while copulating, I'm afraid you're doing something terribly wrong. ~ Lois Greiman

I'd trade every last one of you for a moment's peace and a dog that didn't P on the carpet ~ Lois Greiman

I knew it," she snapped. "You're no different from all men. You're just another jerk pretending to be single! I didn't wanna wrap a lie into a Christmas present anyway. ~ Maha Erwin

If men were necessary in the procreation process, they'd have gone the way of the dodo bird long ago. ~ Lois Greiman

So", says Jack at at last ... "you broke up with Connor".
Wow. So we're straight to the point.
"So", I reply defiantly. "You decided to stay".
"Yes, well ... ", "I thought I might take a closer look at some of the European subsidiaries." He looks up. "How about you?"
"Same reason." I nod. "European subsidiaries". ~ Sophie Kinsella

A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there's nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system. ~ Lois Greiman

You don't know many friends you have till you buy a big-ass house on the beach. ~ Lois Greiman

Almost sneezing is like almost having an orgasm. Sure it tickles getting there, but if you don't get the release you were hoping for at the end, then what's the point? ~ Karyn Bosnak

A person without regrets is called a corpse. ~ Lois Greiman

Celibacy sucks, no pun intended. ~ Lois Greiman

Feelings, rationale and values are the top qualities that make a person exceedingly human. ~ Janvier Chouteu-Chando

I died. I died and someone made a clerical error and I am in Heaven. ~ Jim Butcher

If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs. ~ Tina Fey

William leaned forward and pointed at the river. "I don't know why you rolled in spaghetti sauce," he said in a confidential voice. "I don't really care. But that water over there won't hurt you. Try washing it off."
She stuck her tongue out.
"Maybe after you're clean," he said.
Her eyes widened. She stared at him for a long moment. A little crazy spark lit up in her dark irises.
She raised her finger, licked it, and rubbed some dirt off her forehead.
Now what?
The girl showed him her stained finger and reached toward him slowly, aiming for his face.
"No," William said. "Bad hobo. ~ Ilona Andrews

I swore I'd never be the girlfriend who spies on her boyfriend's phone, but tough shit. I'm her today. ~ Allie Everhart

There are two ways to look at life. The first view is that nothing stays the same and that nothing is inherently connected, and that the only driving force in anyone's life is entropy. The second is that everything pretty much stays the same (more or less) and that everything is completely connected, even if we don't realize it. ~ Chuck Klosterman

Deciding whether or not to trust a person is like deciding whether or not to climb a tree because you might get a wonderful view from the highest branch or you might simply get covered in sap and for this reason many people choose to spend their time alone and indoors where it is harder to get a splinter. ~ Lemony Snicket

Never back the Praesi in a corner, son. That's when the devil-summoning starts, and it's all downhill from there."
-King Jehan of Callow, addressing the future King Pater the Unheeding ~ ErraticErrata

Maybe you're sleepwalking. And sleeptexting. And sleepprimping."
"What's next?" I grumbled to myself. Things were getting more out of control by the minute.
"I don't know," she said, straightening up and tucking her phone into the waistband of her leggings. "Just don't start sleepfucking. ~ Karina Halle

I looked to the ceiling and told God, God, next time I want an adventure, strike me with lightning. You have my permission. ~ Kristen Ashley

Literature has the same impact as a match lit in the middle of a field in the middle of the night. The match illuminates relatively little, but it enables us to see how much darkness surrounds it. ~ William Faulkner

It felt like the first time - twelve years old - hidden beneath a makeshift bed sheet tent and the astonishment (and not a little fear) that something came out of this fleshy joystick. ~ Katrina Monroe

Everything which originates from pure love is lit with the radiance of beauty. ~ Simone Weil

Comics know that time plus pain equals humor and that we can redeem even awful moments from the past by translating them into a shared experience. ~ Gina Barreca

Taylor," Nathan said, "Why didn't you take the rest of us?"
"I didn't want to put you in danger," she said.
"Gee, thanks," I said.
"Hey, I brought Jayden, remember? He insisted on bringing you."
"Gee, thanks," Jayden crossed his arms and frowned. ~ Embee

The cost of living is going up while the chances of living are going down. ~ Flip Wilson

I suddenly saw how each life's joy and pain were made just exactly right for that life so that they fit that life perfectly like its own skin. And so no other body could possibly get in and try it on for itself because every other body had its own perfect skin too.

And the more you could stand the more you'd be given, so you were always filled right up to your own personal limit where one more drop, which you could count on, would push it over the edge. And so you would somehow have to find the way to contain it too, that one drop too many, and maybe just to see how much you could actually bear. And whether your capacity be a thimbleful or the whole damn ocean, the well of your precious collected humor be it tears today or your life's blood tomorrow will surely drown the fragile flame of your existence given the addition of that inevitable next drop. Unless you grow. Unless you become big enough to still hold it all.

And so like it or not, you would learn what you were given the breath of life to learn. You would learn what you unknowingly came here to learn. And your sorrow and grief and your joys and pleasures too would teach you your lessons in a curriculum devised just precisely for you. ~ Joe Henry